My heels, my clothes, my lingerie, even my makeup. All of it, in the trash. And I just feel awful now. I just...I don't want to do this anymore. Or maybe...well, I don't WANT to want to do this anymore! I want to go back to the way things were, but I don't know if I can.
I just wanna cry.
Leyna, we all go through purges. At least we all do until we learn that what we're doing is not wrong. Until we can let go of the guilt.
We are who we are, Leyna. Accept that. Learn to love yourself for who and what you are. Is it easy? Heck no! Nothing that is worthwhile ever is.
Part of me wants to tell you to go out to the trash can and retrieve all of your stuff to be put away for when you're ready, but that is a decision you must make on your own. Until then, we're here to help.
Kathi
Leyna, I too have done the same thing, and I miss my stuff. That was allot of money I threw away. Heels, outfits, wigs, yes make-up and brand new hose in the packages. I only went right back to dressing and spent more money to rebuild my collection. These purges are normal. But just breath my friend, as Kathi said we are all here for you. One step at a time and when you ready to move forward nothing can stop you. BTW, next time you throw away stuff, send it to me. I'll save it for you and when you want it back.
Thanks Kathi. I know what you're saying is true, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't bear the thought of my wife finding out. She would NOT understand this AT ALL. She would think it was because she was somehow inadequate, that this was her fault.
And I know this is something that a lot of you have gone through. Usually, that helps. But not right now.
I've done it many times myself. I did it because I felt that doing this made me a pervert.
I'm not comfortable with this part of me yet, and I don’t know if I ever will. For decades, I thought I was the only one with this problem and if I got rid of all my pervert stuff it would be easier to stop thinking this way.
I've come to realize, with the help of the people at this sight, that I am not a pervert. What we do harms no one.
We are told by society that what we are is wrong. But society at one time or another has told other groups of people that they should be ashamed of themselves. Like being a Jew, or Christian, or having dark skin, or being a women, or not being born from the right family. The list is very lengthy
There is nothing wrong with you.
You are a good person. Whether you dress again or not isn't important. Follow you heart and find what makes you happy. Its ok to cry and work through the frustration. Take all the time you need and do what you need to do to be happy.
And as Kathi said, we are here to help. Talk all you want. We understand and we will listen.
Samantha
When a woman dresses like a man, it's ok. But when a man dresses like a woman, you think it's degrading. Because you think being a woman is degrading. -Madonna-
every one of us goes through those stages but I think after you done the feelimgs come back stronger to dress
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has both masculine and feminine qualities in their personalities in proportions that span the entire range from 1F/99M to 99F/1M. The message that most of our 'civilization' wants to convey is that expressing your femininity makes you less of a man. That is dead wrong. Allowing yourself to become whoever you are makes you more of a complete human being, not "less of a man". I sincerely hope you can find your peace within that.
Leyna,
Kathi is right on the money. The guilt makes us purge, and the desire overcomes the guilt in time, and we regret that decision to toss out the special items which are part of who we are.
Best wishes and hugs,
Colleen
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Feeling pretty on the inside.
Better to put it all in a box, tape it up securely, and put the box in the deepest, darkest corner you have. After a year goes by you will be sure that you can do without them and you will be able to throw it away without doubt.
Otherwise, you risk the double guilt of "slipping back" and having to spend money to replace all those clothes.
The road to self-acceptance is a long and weary one and it's littered with purges and self-loathing. Even I once tried to quit over 25 years ago, and it turned out to be one of the most ridiculously futile things I ever tried to do.
Don't ever feel bad about being who you are and the way you express yourself. You have just as much right to share this planet as anyone else. Remember, a crossdresser who doesn't dress is like a bird that doesn't fly. Denying yourself the right to do what nature intended you to do is harmful not only to you but also to nature.
Yes, you will eventually have to deal with your spouse over your cding and that could get rough, but life is filled with problems just like these to overcome. Problems you can overcome, but how can you live your life as half a person?
Leyna
I am sure you feel you have done the right thing
Most if not all of us have thrown things in the trash and given up. Unfortunately those of us who grew up in pre internet days had no idea that its not something thats easy to stop. I gave up for a few years due to guilt and thinking it was just a phase I was going through. I was sure wrong about that. I soon realised this was part of who I am and nothing was going to change that. Accepting this is part of you will help. It might only be a small part but only you will know how much.
I suggest you read the link in my signature on telling your partner as at some point you may decide to tell her.
Having said all that I do wish you the best of luck in your choices.
I have done the same many times in the past. A few weeks ago, my deepest fear came to fruition. My wife found everything! At first, it was a pretty rough road. She had all the typical thoughts...fear that I was gay, thoughts of being inadequit (sp?), and thinking that I had serious mental issues. We didn't talk for almost a week. Now, things are MUCH better. She has done some reading on the subject, and I explained everything to her as truthfully as possible. She can see (and has stated many times) how much happier I am. She did set some boundries (for now), which I can easily honor. She washes all my panties, and is OK with me wearing them. Sports bras are no problem. She is also fine with my colorful toenails. At this point, she does not want to see me in a skirt, and doesn't want to see me walking around in satin panties. I really found out that she does love me no matter what, and our relationship has never been better. We have been married for 28 years.
My advice to you is to try to tell her. It would be much easier than the way my wife found out. If she really does love you, she would understand. Explain to her how good it makes you feel. Good luck!
A classic purge! We've all been there, and gone through it. Most of us have regretted it, and got to work on replacing the things we tossed. Good luck.
Any money found in the laundry is MINE!
"This is no social crisis....this is me having fun!"
www.flickr.com/photos/tgmarla/
If I had a dollar for every purge our members have done...I'd have enough to replace all the stuff I toss when I purged! DOUBLE!
Em
Living with a heel in each world.
Leyna,
I can understand how you feel. It is like betraying your wife's trust. I was in that situation before.
However, purging was never my choice. I have to purge 2 times over the last few years before because my wife found out accidentally. Recently, I came out to her again, yet again she does not accept. At least this time, she did not force me to purge. I tried to stop for one month and it sucks. It does not feel right. Everytime I see girls dressed in pantyhose and stocking at work, in shopping mall,... everywhere it keep reminding me of Cassandra. I get very frustrated at times. Then, I quit stopping. Now, I still underdress to work daily and dressed occassionally head to toe. I think she knows I still dress and we are in a don't ask don't tell situation. I think she just does not want to say she allow me to dress and at the same time she knows I cannot change.
In the meantime, we are building our relationship stronger than ever. I know, I have to keep assuring her my love for her in any way I can. I will keep telling and showing I love her and is her man. She knows that, and has been more tolerant of other issues we have. She knows Cassandra's closet is still somewhere in the house. In the meantime, it is my duty to educate her in small baby steps until she understand and accept. It is a long road up the hill, but I know to climb the hill I have to take baby steps. Eventually, I hope I would be there.
Well, its all good and fine if you can really stop. You won't find anyone that stop over here because, if they can they would not be here in this forum.
Why I am telling you this is because I want to let you know that you are not wrong being what you are. You are not wrong by not telling her because of your love for her and the fear of losing her or rejection. And I salute you if you really can stop.
You know what is best for you and the choice is in your hands. I wish you both all the best.
Cassandra
where did you through it.
Sorry about the way you feel But it is a classic purge I give you a month at the most before yourback at it. Get some help See a therapist, You are not nuts or perverted. It is just part of you Good luck
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Sallee
Thank you for sharing, Cassandra, that was very helpful.
This isn't as much about me accepting myself as it is about her. She has had a very bad year, and I don't want to dump more stuff on her. I love her dearly, and she needs a strong man right now, not a girlfriend. And I'm going to do my best to be that.
We have all been there and throwing away the clothes doesn't solve the problem. The only thing that I have found that does helps is understand and accept yourself. I have packed Michelle up several times when I needed to be there for someone. The comfort of knowing that Michelle was able to come back made those times bareable. I hope you will get through these times and find a better of dealing with them in the future.
Michelle
Leyna,
Like so many girls before me, I have been where you are now, and thank goodness I have progressed past that point with love and understanding from my wife.
I know you said that you fear how your wife will not understand and that she will feel it is her fault, but you must have faith in your love for each other. I am so pleased to tell you that I also had those same feelings and fears, but the happiest day of my life was the day that my wife and I finally DID have that heart to heart chat about Jenny.
I did feel very nervous, and she did have some questions that were very scary to answer, but as the saying goes, "The truth will set you free!"
Wish you the best, have faith and being different is not wrong....it is just different.
My wife says the same thing and always has.Originally Posted by suzanne
Good luck, and here is a hug.
Sweetie I hate to say we have all done what you have and most have made it for awhile but It comes back and haunts you in so many ways. Sure you don't have clothes but can you shop for male clothes and not wish you were buying cute girl clothes? Can you ever forget what you gave up for your spouse and want her to do the same for you? See how it goes but know it is part of you and managing it like any other disease or long term issue is the best. I have tried and am with a spouse who hates just the thought of it, i don't dress much , I hate keeping secrets but I also don't want to kill our love over MY issue for my own selfish reasons. Get some help on how to handle this within your self if she does not want to help. Tina
I've been thinking about throwing some of my stuff out also, but am hesitant. Dresses and skirts usually make me feel better when I'm down in the dumps. Lately dressing in skirts or dresses dosen't seem to help. I might just take everything out of the closet (no pun intended) and out of the dresser and store in a box just in case.
lmildcd is now known as Lennette Lost.
Although I personally purged all of my things about a year ago and have not had to go out and buy new.... I think you are receiving some very good advise here. If possible, go get your things and then just box them away. Purging is an expensive habit, as most CDs never really want to give it up. Most CDs purge due to feelings of guilt over being caught or shame. Some unfortunately have SOs that just can't tolerate any level of dressing and give the CDer an ultimatum and force the CDer to choose between the SO and their things. (Not much of a choice there, if you love your spouse)
Sorry to hear you made the plunge...I did it myself about 2 years ago and threw out about $750 worth of perfectly good clothes, shoes, etc.....I will always follow the advice of Eryn by putting it into a box, sealing it and storing in the deep corner of the attic for at least 2 years in the future. I go back and forth all the time on whether this is right for me. I guess like everything in my life, I need to go all in to figure it out....the problem is I can always justify not doing it...wrong time of year-someone may see my shaved legs, my wife (who is accepting but not turned on by my CD ways)-may not love me, and then things like th catholic guilt....any way, I hope you are able to get to a place that you are happy with!
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