My Boyfriend recently told me that he is a crossdresser

[Sara99]

Hi

Please go easy on me as writing this post isn't going to be easy for me. A few weeks ago my boyfriend Scott told me that he likes to crossdress. It's something that took me totally by surprise and well in truth is something that I'm struggling to come to terms with. We've been dating since July 2009, so almost 2 years now, I am 25 and he is 27 next month. Our relationship is very serious, and we recently moved in together. No plans for us to get married just yet, and neither of us have any children.

I love Scott so much, and I know that he loves me. He is a very caring loving guy, so affectionate and sensitive but also a little insecure. I know he is 100% committed to me but it took me a long time to convince him that I was just as committed to him. He's been hurt in the past by girls who have cheated on him and he was scared that I would do the same. I know this because it was something that caused arguments earlier on in our relationship and was frustrating for me because I felt like I was often been accused of something I would never do (cheat on him). Thankfully we overcome his worries and our relationship became so much stronger for it.

So a few months back we moved in together. Both of us had never lived with a partner before so it was something that was a big step for us and we both felt a little nervous and excited at the same time. We didn't have to worry though. Moving in was the best decision we made and its been wonderful.

I remember the night he told me like it was yesterday. It was a weekend and we had both been out in the evening with another couple who are close friends of ours. Scott was really quiet when we were out and it wasn't hard to see that something wasn't right with him. Our friends noticed and commented on it but I couldn't tell them what was wrong as I had no idea. On our way home I asked Scott and he said nothing was wrong. I couldn't accept that so we ended up arguing. I said that Paul and Sophie (the couple we were out with) noticed it and asked me whether he was ok, so that proved that I wasn't just imagining it. Scott just went really quiet. So now all kinds of thoughts were running through my mind. We didn't speak for the rest of our journey home, which lasted about 30 minutes but felt like it lasted forever.

One thought that I couldn't shake off during that time was that Scott was going to leave me. I don't know why I thought that, probably because I'd had a few drinks so wasn't really thinking straight. So when we got home I just blurted it out and asked him if it was me and if he was still happy in our relationship. He grabbed hold of me and told me that it wasn't that at all and that he was really happy with me. He then started crying.

I didn't know what was wrong with him but seeing him like that was just so upsetting for me. We both sat down and I begged him to tell me what was wrong. He was shaking and I felt so scared. Then he told me that he is a crossdresser. Then I did something I'm so ashamed of. I let out a little laugh. Scott got really upset and said that he knew that was how I'd react and stormed off into the bedroom.

I sat there for a while, not knowing what to think, but knew that I'd upset him. I knew my reaction was wrong, but I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to laugh, it just happened. I went into the bedroom and Scott was already in bed so I got in and gave him a cuddle and said let's talk about it. And we did. At least we tried. He was so nervous and was mumbling and I couldn't help but think that he felt ashamed, and this just made me want to grab hold of him and squeeze him so hard. I didn't want my Scott to feel like that. I hated seeing him like that. I told him that I loved him so much and said that its going to be ok. I then asked him if he had any stuff in our flat and he said he had, and I laughed again saying where are you hiding it? It was in a bag that he kept inside one of the suitcases that we had on top of the wardrobe. So I asked him to show me.

I have to honestly say that the clothes and underwear he showed me were really nice. We are both really slim although Scott is taller than me and I joked to him that I wouldn't mind borrowing some of his stuff. I asked him if he wore any of mine and he said that he had. I asked which, and then said go on then, show me. Put something on. He chose a halter-neck blue dress I have and put it on. I laughed again but in a good way and thought to myself "this isn't so bad, it's acutally kind of fun". And he didn't look bad at all. In fact, it looked quite good on him, and me thinking this took me completely by surprise.

The next few days were interesting. Scott didn't dress up during this time, if anything, he didn't really talk about it much. Well, not at all really. I didn't either. The few drinks we had on that Saturday night released our inhibitions, and in the cold light of day it just seemed something difficult to bring up in conversation. It wasn't until the following weekend that it came up again. And again after we'd had a few drinks together while staying in on friday night. I asked Scott to put a fashion show for me. It actually turned into a fashion show for both of us, as we chose clothes for eachother and tried on some of eachothers. It was great fun and I said that we should go shopping the day after.

That's when it started to take a turn for the worse for me. While out shopping, Scott was really quiet and the whole shopping thing wasn't really that much fun. The night before in the safety of our own flat and after a few drinks neither of us had any inhibitions. But in the shops Scott said he felt really self-conscious. I told him he was being silly and that no one else was even looking at us. It wasn't like he was actually trying anything on or anything. To everyone else it would have just looked like we were both shopping for me. This was the first time I noticed a change in Scott. And the thought crossed my mind that the whole crossdressing thing may only be fun if we'd both had a few drinks. That worried me.

A few days later we were in our flat watching TV and Scott asked me if I'd mind if he dressed. I said I didn't mind at all. He came back in the living room wearing a long black skirt and cowl top and sat down on the sofa. But we were both really quiet. We are normally really affectionate with eachother, and always cuddled up on the sofa in the evening when watching TV, but this time, when he was dressed I didn't feel comfortable doing that. Something just didn't feel right. For the first time, seeing Scott dressed like that, it didn't feel like it was just "Scott in a dress". It felt like I was sitting next to a different person. I said to myself "stop being silly it's only clothes" but I couldn't shake that thought. I felt that to Scott it wasn't just clothes, it was a lot more than that. And it made me feel uncomfortable.

Since then I've never stopped Scott from dressing but I've never encouraged it either. The feelings of it being fun for me were no longer there. I keep telling myself that I'm being silly, but every time Scott dresses, I feel distanced from him. Whenever he dresses I dont get a cuddle. Whenever he dresses he isn't as talkative. And because affection and conversation is something that I enjoy and crave so much from our relationship, and his dressing is getting in the way of that, I no longer want him to dress. I love him so much but when he dresses it feels like he is like a different person. It now almost feels like there are three people in our relationship and I only want two.

Im sorry for the length of my post, but this is really getting me down and I wanted to express the best way I could in the hope that someone can help me deal with this. I found this site yesterday and have read some posts before writing this. I just dont know what to do anymore. Please help me.

Sara xx

[Shari]

Hi Sara.
I sense a bit of selfishness in Scott, like he's going to do this with or without your approval. It's almost as if he's decided he's going to come first this time, given his other failed relationships.

You have to communicate or things will only get worse. Do it without the alcohol this time.

And quit beating yourself up.
Hey, if you don't like something, then that's what it is, whether he likes the answer or not.
He has to know that he's not the only one in your relationship and it doesn't revolve around his wishes only.

[Rianna Humble]

Firstly, Sara, to crossdressers.com you have come to the right place to find support and understanding as well as information.

Please don't feel ashamed of anything in the way that you reacted to the unexpected news that your boyfriend cross-dresses. You were expecting something much worse and laughter is a natural way to release tension when you find out the situation is not as bad as you had feared.

I am glad that you had a really positive reaction to the news and that (at least initially) you enjoyed seeing him dressed. I'm sorry that the shopping trip did not go as well as you had planned, but I believe that Scott's nervousness is a sign that he is still having difficulty accepting who he is and what this might mean in your relationship. Neither of you is to blame for this.

Unfortunately, Scott's nervousness is now having a negative impact on how you feel about him dressing and this is something that needs to be brought out in conversation. The very fact that you have come here looking for help and advice proves that you are willing to understand, but you both need to express your feelings to each other. In Scott's case, he has probably spent so much of his life feeling guilty about the fact that he has this extra dimension to his personality that it will be difficult at first for him to talk about it openly.

Usually, we need to caution the cross-dresser to take things slowly, but here it looks like you both need to slow down a little until you find your own comfort levels together.

Thank you for posting, I am sure that you love for Scott will carry you through this time.

[Sara99]

Hi Shari

Thank you for replying to my post.

It's not that I don't like it, it's just that I don't like the change in Scott when he dresses. The first two times we both had fun with it (after having a few drinks) and I really did enjoy it. The other times since then it almost feels like Scott is holding back like he becomes more introverted. It's really hard to explain but he doesnt feel approachable and he isn't talkative. In a way its like he goes into his own world and is just happy that he is dressed and that is enough for him. It makes me feel as though when he's dressed he would be just as happy whether I was there or not. If it didn't feel that way then Id have no problem with him dressing at all.

I know I have to communicate with him, but I feel that what I say would be taken the wrong way, as though its a rejection of his dressing. It isn't. It's a rejection of his attitude towards me when he dresses. When he isn't dressed he's just so adorable and affectionate and we can chat the night away. I just wish it was the same way when he is dressed.

xx

[Joanne f]

Hello Sara,
well the reactions from both of you are about right in many case`s , anxiety from the CD who wants to tell but feels ashamed and worried what the reaction might be, the shock and disbelief from the SO when there has been no hint of it before , the talking to come to some sort of understanding and agreement with it and then the trial run which can be quite a shock to deal with from both sides.
You are both being honest with each other about your feelings and there has been a setback in how you hoped things would go and it will no doubt take a little while for you both to get over that , you will now be wondering what he is doing and why and he will be wondering what you think of him now and that will put you both on edge and CDers are inclined to get very moody for the slightest thing once they feel that their manhood has been tarnished so do not be surprised with the mood swings , the only thing you can do for now is to wait a little while then talk about it when you are both happy to do so as i am sure that there are a lot of questions you would like to ask but you may not understand this there are some questions that the CDer will not have an answer to even some of us that have been doing it for a very long time still do not know all the answers as to why we do it .

[KitCat]

Hi Sara
Good job finding this forum and sharing some pretty big stuff that is very new to you. I am no sage but I will say that you both have a lot to do. Remember nobody has exactly the same experience in life so there is no perfect road map to follow its a lot of following your heart and observing for the clues. Is it all him or all you probably neither. There is a lot of shame and self doubt and feeling very alone in the hiding part of dressing before you tell anyone. He will need to get past that and begin to accept that its ok for him and you. those feelings can be very difficult to leave behind if they have been there most of his life. Does he belong to this forum? there are thousands of threads here on these topics and you both might gain some comfort in reading what others have said and done not as a plan but as a guide. Again good job ask lots of questions get involved and do your best share the burden if its all on one sided its no good. You are wonderful for accepting so far it will get better. My wife of over 20 years would barely give me a kiss at first. How could she when she barely recognized this new person on the outside. (even though the soft gooey center was the same)
best of luck!
Cat

[Sara99]

Hi Rianna

Im sitting here crying after reading your post. Especially after reading what you said about Scotts nervousness and him feeling guilty. I never even considered that could be the reason why he holds back from me when hes dressed. I so dont want him to feel nervous about this with me. I just want him to be the way he is with me every time he isnt dressed. He really is so affectionate and I love this about him so much and I miss it when he isnt like that. Maybe thats my fault. Scott is the assertive one in our relationship but when hes dressed do you think that maybe I should make the first move? To show him that I am accepting and help him get over his nervousness or guilt?

Can I ask you a question? I really dont know much about the whole issue of crossdressing. I understand the nervousness side, but why feelings of guilt? I never even considered that is one thing for crossdressers to overcome and would really like to learn more about it so that it can help me in maybe understanding what Scott has had to go through.

Reading your post has made me want to just grab hold of Scott when he gets home tonight after work, give him a big cuddle and say that everything is ok. It will be ok wont it? I really hope it will be.

xx

[Violetgray]

Hmm.. A couple of thing to consider here..

You are probably the first person he's ever come out to. Please understand how major that is. A HUGE step, hence the crying and stammering. There are many things that he's learned from birth that men are not supposed to do that women take for granted. Like shopping for himself in the women's department. That is another huge step, and it sounds like one that was taken before he was ready. A trans person was beaten badly in public just last week. If he's being a little distant while dressed up it's most likely because he's not comfortable yet. You might be thinking to yourself, "Well he knows I love him, so what's the big deal?" But what you're up against is 27 years of social conditioning.

It's going to take TIME. It will need to be helped along by honest dialog. I think the main issue is that he is still not comfortable with him. Expanding this aspect of himself outside himself to another person is like a hermit having to rejoin society after so many years.

Here are a few things to consider:

1.) You want to be accommodating, but you CAN set your own boundaries too. Sometimes excepting crossdressing can "Open the Floodgates" so to speak and they'll dive headlong into it. Just remember that you have rights too, and if something makes you uncomfortable, say so. Also, if his girl self doesn't turn you on then it doesn't, maybe that just won't be frisky time. Plenty of couples have that.

2.) Not all crossdressers are transsexuals, but many start out that way. If so, that's a whole different ballgame. It could be that he's just a crossdresser, and the "Big Deal" is just him sharing his whole self with another person. Don't want to scare, you just saying that you'll both need to know exactly where you stand.

3.) Saying to him, "Don't dress anymore" might be a BAD thing. But you might want to ask him why it is when he's dressed he acts that way. Or the next time he dresses and he's all sullen, "What are you feeling right now? " I don't know maybe.

Anyway, talk talk talk, that is the most important thing. Being open minded as supportive as you are being right now is a more encouraging thing than many cd's can even dream of. Some keep this from their significant other's for 20 years or more.

[Kate Simmons]

Ask Scott how dressing makes him feel and tell him to be honest. This is the beginning of understanding. CDing is a process but can take on a life of it's own if not controlled. It's really about deep feelings. Problem is, sharing those feelings with others, especially those close to us is sometimes very difficult. In the end it's about who we are as a person not what we are. I wish you both the best.

[Sara99]

Hi Cat

I dont think he belongs to this forum. I honestly dont know. Im a little scared that if we do both come here and he sees my post that he wouldnt like it that Ive written it. Since he told me, Ive not talked about this to anyone. I understand that it isnt my place to tell anyone about Scotts crossdressing. Only Scott can make that decision. But then that makes it impossible for me to talk to my close friends about how Im feeling. To get things off my chest and have a shoulder to cry on. Its made me feel like Im alone in having to deal with this, so I appreciate so much the replies Ive had from all of you so far.

Joanne f, I'd also like to thank you for your reply. Hearing words like anxiety, and understanding more about what a crossdresser goes through emotionally just makes me feel sad. For all of you. And for Scott. Can I give you a big hug?!

I have so many questions. Reading some of the posts here, Ive read that in a lot of cases the first response to finding out someone crossdresses is are they gay? That never even crossed my mind when Scott told me. Just because he likes to dress as a woman doesnt mean that he wants to be with a man. I know he wants to be with me. In Scotts case, I want to know if he wants to just dress in the flat, or if he wants to go out dressed. What compels him to dress. How it makes him feel. I want to be supportive. At the moment, I just dont feel able to talk to him about it, so youre probably right, I will have to wait a while and then talk. Ive thought about us both going out for an evening, having a few drinks and then talking about it, about my own fears his own fears, but I dont want this to only be something that we can talk about when weve had a drink. I want us both to have a clear head, and for us both to be able to talk about it when we haven't had anything to drink.

[kristinacd55]

Hi Sara, and welcome first of all! Your post was excellent, and points out what a lot of couples here are going through. I'll read a post from a CD saying I told my SO and it was WONDERFUL!! Then in the next day or 2, ruh roh, perhaps NOT so wonderful. People need to take things nice and slow. It's a huge adjustment for both of you, and hopefully you can work it out. My wife has known for 4 1/2 years now, and we're still working on it. I don't think she'll ever be comfortable being around me dressed, so I hardly ever am around her. You'll find that the person beneath the dressing is the reason you were attracted in the first place.

[Rianna Humble]

I think that Violet has summed up fairly well why Scott would feel guilty about having this added dimension to his personality because for the last 27 years he has been conditioned to believe that "real men" don't do this.

As for giving him a big cuddle when he gets in, that has got to be a good idea at any time - even without mentioning the cross-dressing. With your positive attitude and the love that you two share, I am sure that it will turn out OK.

Most cross-dressers spend their lives hiding their feelings about cross-dressing so it will take a while for him to really understand that you love all of him and that he can be natural with you.

Violet is also right when she says that if something makes you uncomfortable when Scott is cross-dressing it is OK for you to express that. It is very important for you to both discuss what you feel, perhaps when you have given him the big hug you could bring up the fact that you sense he is still not feeling relaxed about being dressed with you and ask him what he is feeling at those times. Please be prepared for him to find difficulty articulating feelings that he has spent his whole life repressing.

The thing that will bring you both through these difficulties is the love that you share and which shines out from every word you have written.

[Sara99]

Hi Violet

I asked Scott if he had told anyone else and he said he hasn't. I will try to understand how major that is for him. Do you think I should ask him whether he feels totally comfortable with expressing this side in front of me? That thought didnt cross my mind. I was comfortable with him to begin with, but this changed like I said in my first post, so is it like that the reason I no longer feel comfortable is because his own lack of comfort is rubbing off on me?

[kristinacd55]

Hi Violet

I asked Scott if he had told anyone else and he said he hasn't. I will try to understand how major that is for him. Do you think I should ask him whether he feels totally comfortable with expressing this side in front of me? That thought didnt cross my mind. I was comfortable with him to begin with, but this changed like I said in my first post, so is it like that the reason I no longer feel comfortable is because his own lack of comfort is rubbing off on me?

The comfort level for both of you has been changed for sure. Takes time to come to grips with it.

[Tina B.]

Being a crossdresser in this society has always been a hard chore, we are taught as small boys to man up, don't cry and don't act like a wimp. Well that just is not who we are. Along with wearing womens clothing, many of us have what we like to think of as a softer side. I won't even watch certain movies in public, because they make me cry like a little girl, and that's just not manly. But that's the problem, we spend a childhood being told to act manly, then we grow up and want, or need to be something entirely different, You might be surprised at how many relationships crossdressing has destroyed due to lack of understanding, on both sides. It takes most of us many years to except ourselves, and until we do it's hard to accept acceptance from others. Standoffish, probably not, scared, and insecure, not knowing for sure if you still see him as your man. Be patient, let him know what you like, and don't like, and in time things will get much better I would think. We found in my home, love really does conquer all!
Tina B.

[Steph.TS]

you mentioned that he's sensitive, and that he's been hurt in the past, and he's a bit insecure, well he's opened up and it's a topic that I think given any other circumstance he would have left it hidden, I think he's still unsure of the situation much like you are. you could ask him next time he's dressed (and sober) to talk or cuddle, watch a nice movie or something, invite that closeness while he's dressed and that might make him feel more accepted. it seems to me that he's in a bit of an awkward place with his crossdressing, maybe he's had a bad experience with past GF's/family/friends rejecting him for this and this has his guard up.

the other thing is (I can't gauge how likely this is) you mentioned when he's dress he seems like a totally different person it might just be nerves like I said earlier if that's the case ignore what I'm about to say, he might be TS, trying to express his inner femininity. either way I think a nice calm friendly talk let him feel comfortable and be open with each other hopefully things will be at a point where he can dress and show you affection at the same time, and the relationship can grow stronger.

[Josie M]

I was going to make a post along the lines of what Violet posted, but I don't think I could say it any better than she did. Your experience is reminiscent of when I came out to my long-time girlfriend. I knew our relationship was at a point where I wanted her to be part of my life and this is something she had to know. Problem was, I had just come to grips with it myself. I can't tell you how tough it was to tell her about Josie, but I did it because that's how important she was to me.

Sounds like he's still coming to terms with it so, like Violet said, keep communication open and don't be afraid to set the boundaries you need to set.

As for my girlfriend; she eventually became my wife and we've been married for over 10 years.

[Sara99]

Hi kristina

I hope we can work it out, and the messages I've received in this thread have helped me a lot in understanding this, especially in trying to understand it from Scott's side of things. I so want to understand it, and I would accept it without any problem if Scott acted towards me exactly the same way as he does when he isn't dressed. I realise, from what you've all said, that this will take time. I want us both to find the comfort level. It is good to know from you that it is ok for me to say when I don't feel comfortable.

I will give Scott that big hug when he gets home from work today. I was thinking, in light of what you've all said, of maybe going out this afternoon and buying him something nice to give to him as a present when he gets home. Anything that will hopefully make him feel more comfortable in himself towards me. Do you think that is a good idea?

Hi Steph

I am going to ask him for that cuddle next time he's dressed. I am also going to ask him lots of questions, but I don't want to feel as though I am pressurising him. In respect to your comment about it may be that he is TS, by that you mean he wants to be a woman full-time? I hope that isn't the case, because then I would be scared that I would lose him for good. Would you mind if I shared some of his responses here, and perhaps you could gauge from that whether Scott is TS or not?

[kristinacd55]

I will give Scott that big hug when he gets home from work today. I was thinking, in light of what you've all said, of maybe going out this afternoon and buying him something nice to give to him as a present when he gets home. Anything that will hopefully make him feel more comfortable in himself towards me. Do you think that is a good idea?

A big hug yes...don't know about buying anything....yet! Also, does he have a girl name, as you can see most of us do

It's not a requirement for sure! lol

[Sara99]

I don't know if he has a girl name or not. Honestly, I've not even thought of asking him that.

[deebra]

Sara I think I know why he is not as warm, touchy and talkative. He's feeling a lot of unsertanity and guilt about giving up his manhood and entering the weaker female role. He's embarassed about doing this to himself and in front of you, even though the need and desire is there and keeps returning for him to dress. Donot embarass, make fun or laugh at him, but be cool, calm and accepting of his need to dress. Definately keep this personal, you donot have to share this with your girlfriends, it would betray him and put cancer in your relationship. Tell him this is just another step that goes along with his soft, gentle affectionate personality that you love so much about him and women are allowed to express this and in our society men aren't, so you can see where it makes perfect sence for him to enter this new area and enjoy what women are allowed to do including the softness that female clothing represent. Since taking it slow and building his confidence and acceptance is important you might suggest that he start underdressing most of the time and you really enjoy this new found intimacy of sharing fem clothing with him and you like him in it. This will do wonders for his acceptance, confidence and getting rid of the guilt. Believe it or not this could evolve into an even closer closeness between the two of you in this relationship.

[DAVIDA]

Hi Sara!
I will not even try to tell you what to do.
All I can do is relate what I have been through.
My wife was the first person that I ever told. This was before we were married.
I was the insecure one. I was the one that had the self doubts.
It was Jean that helped me to get over the "why" and understand that it "just is"!
Unlike some of the members on here, I didn't ask to be like this and I just didn't understand why I was.
Now, I know that there isn't an explanation. This can be tough to get a grip on.

Being un-accepting of yourself makes it tough to expect anyone else to.
BTW, we are in our 21st year of marriage!
Hang in there!
There are some very smart people on this forum.
Even with the help of Jean, I was helped out tremendously from some of the members when I joined.

[Sara99]

Hi deebra

I definately won't say anything to my girlfriends about this. It's not my place to do that, no matter how much I may need to talk about it. And talking about it here has helped me so much. Your words about this being another step, I will definately say that to him. I hope you are right, I hope it does make us even closer. My worry at this time is that it's coming between us, and that is definately not what I want.

[deebra]

Sara, having experienced what he's feeling I think if you do what I said you will remove the division real,real quick

[darla_g]

Hi Sara, and welcome. I don't agree with Shari on this. I don't think Scott has been selfish i am sure if anything he is more concerned about your reaction is. Maybe that is why he pulled back a bit. It sounds like you are pretty understanding and somewhat accepting. I am pretty sure this is something that he has done for a while so its not like he is putting himself first its just difficult to totally suppress these feelings.

I think this is all about both of you finding your personal comfort level. and the only way you will achieve this is to talk about it. Does he know you joined this web site? if he did that would show him what a huge step you made for him.

i think the things you like about him, sensitive and caring are part of his nature as is his dressing. if you love him it will all come naturally to you

BTW a lot of good advice in here from a variety of people. Take it all in with a grain of salt. some of it may not apply but everyone's experience is slightly different.