Need to be Normal

[AKAMichelle]

I have thought about this for a long time. We hide being TG from our friends, SO's, co-workers and the public in general in the hope of being normal. As a consequence we hide ourselves from everyone important, but are we really being normal. If being a liar and a deceiver is normal then we fit the description, but why would we want to.

I recently setup a profile for Michelle and clearly noted that I was a cd'er. I posted a picture of Michelle for the profile. I did this out of curiousity mostly. I had an email today from a woman that told me good for you, but that she wasn't interested in dating a cd'er. The rejection got me to thinking. I remember hiding myself from everyone around me because I didn't want people to reject me. Now this woman doesn't mean anything to me because I wasn't that interested in her profile in the first place, but she would have been nice to do a few things with.

How important is it to you to appear to be normal to the rest of the world? Does this affect your going out or not?

[Debra Russell]

Very few of us can function as normal females when presenting as one and although is is more acceptable to most as long as it doesn't get too close it is still considered a little off beat and uncomfortable. It would be Soooo nice to be able to appear (function) as a normal female , but alas the accepting female chums are hard to come by. It would be more fun to share the expierence with accepting females and would probably go out more if I could ......Oh well I go out anyway.!!

[AKAMichelle]

Very few of us can function as normal females when presenting as one and although is is more acceptable to most as long as it doesn't get too close it is still considered a little off beat and uncomfortable. It would be Soooo nice to be able to appear (function) as a normal female , but alas the accepting female chums are hard to come by. It would be more fun to share the expierence with accepting females and would probably go out more if I could ......Oh well I go out anyway.!!

I was mostly thinking of how we act as males. We hide the female sides in the hope that we will remain normal to others.

[suzy1]

I think you have to define what the word normal is first. The meaning is different to different people.
I think I am normal. But most people out there in the big wide world would say I am not because I dress as a woman.
If you are saying that you want to be accepted as normal to the world in general then that’s not going to happen.
The reason some of us hide is because the consequences of coming out are just not worth it.
So I don’t go out. And it’s not important for me to appear normal to the rest of the world because I know it’s not possible.

SUZY

[kimdl93]

Good question - I find that I present different faces to different people. As I have mentioned before, at home I'm out and dressed 24/7 (except when the adult step daughters are around), but while I am out in public among strangers, I'll wear at least a few items of feminine attire and make up. Among co-workers and casual friends, I am closeted. So, I'm really quite deceitful, I guess.

[Dana921]

I am not convinced that by virtue of "NON disclosure" it is lying or really deceitful. Now with the exception of your companion or SO, then I do believe you should tell that person. But others? I do not run around shouting my sexual orientation nor do I disclose to just anybody things personal about myself. Just as I did not announce I was very active in the shooting sports in the 1994 time frame because of all of the negativity surrounding that subject in this country, I do not feel the need to tell everyone I crossdress! Now I am out and about enough that others will know anyway but still keeping personal things personal is not lying or being deceitful! So from that perspective I am "Normal" in the sense of talking to others and sharing with them an appropriate amount of myself given the situation such as work or other venues where I see folks that I simply only know because of one common interest.

So Yes I go out! But I do remember that some battles are not worth my time to get involved in and must pick and choose those that I share certain parts or all of myself with and those I choose not too.

Remember that when you are trying to convince others to see things your way then you are, or should be talking to those in the center or undecided on the subject because those furthest to the left or right are adament that their position is the right one!

Dana

[BRANDYJ]

I am very normal. No mental illnesses or anti-social behaviors that I know of. I don't have to tell everyone that I am a CD. Some things are personal and private. I am not a liar or deceiver for not telling everything there is to know about me. The only ones that need to know are those that I share my life with. However, I have told some close friends after knowing them and how they might react. But I am still not a liar or deceiver for not telling other friends, co-workers, or my employer. I mean, do we have to tell everyone everything? Do we go around and share our sexual likes and dislikes, or our bad habits or anything else other normal people just keep to themselves.
Michelle, you ask if trying to be normal effects my going out or not. My response is no it doesn't. What effects that is the fact that I don't think I am passable other then in a dark nightclub. I do care what others think of me. I do not care to be laughed at or humiliated, so I only go out to places out of the eyes of the general public, where being a TG is normal and acceptable. More power to those that don't care what others think. It's just not me to be that way.

[Anne2345]

If being a liar and a deceiver is normal then we fit the description, but why would we want to.

Although I understand your point, I disagree with your use of the negative terms "liar" and "deceiver." Such terms suggest that there is a certain inherent "wrongness" in what we do, and who we are. Given Frederique's eloquent post on "wrongness" recently, there is no need to go into that in this post.

As for the truth, I personally owe the truth about myself to only two people - myself and my wife. My wife accepts me as a crossdresser, and I accept myself. Until the unreasonable and ignorant tide of negative perception and discrimination turns, this is enough for me.

It is society in general that causes those of us who are in the closet to be in the closet. In my case, the risks attendant with divulging who I am to the public far outweigh the benefits.

This, however, does not mean I am lying to or deceiving those around me, it merely is self-preservation in so far as my career, livelihood, and standing in the community are concerned. Just as others do not inform me of every aspect of their lives, I do not inform them of all of mine. There is no obligation or responsibility imparted on any of us to inform others of such things, with the exception of one's SO.

I make no apologies for being a crossdresser. Even if I could stop, and otherwise be "normal," I would not. It is society that should apologize to me for causing me to be in the closet.

[suchacutie]

Hmmm, there are a lot of things that I hide from the world rit large. I bet no one in my office group can tell you what brand of gin I prefer! Ok, that's a silly example, but I am trying to point out that my bi-gendered nature is just one of many things that I don't think is anyone else's business. Likewise, they don't share the details of their sex lives with me, for example...or their salaries, or their net worth, or their favorite color, for that matter.

We are not obligated to share our personal lives with anyone else, and that includes the choices of our gender presentations. Furthermore, why should I share that detail with them? What good would it do? Heaven's, none of them know what I had for dinner yesterday either!

On the other hand, it is important for my spouse to know everything about my transgendered self, and she does. She also knows what I had for dinner yesterday .

tina

p.s. our lives don't need to be a Facebook page where every waking moment is announced to the world!

[Persephone]

Hi Michelle!

I have my own personal mantra - "Nobody is normal after 5 p.m." It reminds me that the macho jock standing at the water cooler jabbering about sports goes out after work to troll the gay bars, that the boss in the power suit goes home to a wife who calls him "baby chops" and "boopsie," that the cable guy gets drunk and beats his wife, that the executive lady in the pencil skirt and heels has a collection of marine hardware at home and loves to be "all tied up in a project."

Hmmmmm, maybe I should change it to "everybody is normal after 5 p.m."?

You lead a complex life, Michelle, and that's normal. Do you think your friends and neighbors live all of their lives as an open book? The couple next door to you, the ones who just bought the new BMW, do you know that she stays up all night worrying because they're really on the verge of bankruptcy? Or when the lovely lady you say "Hi" to at church tells you that her husband didn't come because he "wasn't feeling well this morning," are you sure she's not covering up the fact that he's hung over?

"Normal" is as normal appears.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[JamieTG]

I've always had "fear of rejection" issues driven by low self esteem. I still struggle with the issue that I'm considered different by society but at least for the most part its harmless. I don't care so much about rejection by a stranger so I do go out in public weariing women's clothes.

[Ineta]

It has been very important to me to appear "normal" (whatever you understand by "normal"). However, people have found out about my crossdressing. But I still keep appearing male in many ways.

As for the gender roles, almost everybody is playing (one). There are few people, in my opinion, to whom that role comes naturally. Most of us stick to clichees. When I made my outings as a woman, I played too. I consider myself bigender.

[vikki2020]

I have to agree with Persephone, in that most people have a little something in their closet too! I'd say that we are being more honest than most, by going out dressed, for the world to see! The definition of "normal" seems to change every day. It evolves into new shapes. The old guy working at the hardware store, wearing an earing in each ear--perfectly normal today. When he was young, it would be unheard of, but today, guys wear earings to be "normal"! A few hundred years ago, men wearing wigs, make-up, and frilly coats was to be expected. We are just ahead of the "normal" curve--trendsetters actually!!

[Kate Simmons]

Michelle, Our personal grid program (nature) determines who we are. Regardless of what others may think, how we choose to modify that is totally up to us. I've found the best thing for me is to just be "myself".

[GaleWarning]

I have thought about this for a long time. We hide being TG from our friends, SO's, co-workers and the public in general in the hope of being normal. As a consequence we hide ourselves from everyone important, but are we really being normal. If being a liar and a deceiver is normal then we fit the description, but why would we want to.

Firstly, Michelle, what some people don't know won't hurt them. It is not necessary for me to tell my family because my CDing does not impact on their lives. If I were to tell them, .... mmmm ..... no, I can't think of one good reason why they need to know. I am quite happy to CD in the comfort and privacy of my own home. It's my joy and choice. I do not need or appreciate it when someone tells me I HAVE to be out and about, in order to support "the cause". There are other ways of being supportive.

How important is it to you to appear to be normal to the rest of the world? Does this affect your going out or not?

I am normal. I don't suffer from depression or anxiety attacks. I am perfectly happy and content to be who I am. I don't need the affirmation of anyone else. My self-esteem does not need propping up.

Do I appear normal to the rest of the world? Who cares? As Alfred E Neuman said "Why be normal?" There are countless ways in which I am not normal, in a normal kind of way. I am left-handed (only 15% of the population is!); my IQ is in the top 5%; I am a kiwi (only 4 million of us world-wide) .... the list goes on and on.

I choose not to go out. Again, there is no compelling reason for me to inflict on the wider world, my bad dress sense. Why scare the natives?

I have to type at least 20 characters for this to post, so I will type a whole lot of meaningless tripe until I think I have typed more than 20 characters. My maths is not good. That is normal!

[Maria Blackwood]

I have no desire to be normal. I revel in the fact that I'm out on the Gaussian tail [yeah, I'm *good* at math, too. ;-) ] somewhere. I keep it hidden simply because people do not react well to the not normal. I know they would not understand, and decades of societal conditioning would run over any glimmer of open minded and rational thinking like a freight train. Of course I'm an enormous cynic as well. :-P

I guess working in jobs with sensitive information trained me for this to some extent. I compartmentalize well. Friends, family and co-workers (other than my CDing best friend) have no "need to know." We're allowed to have secrets and things we keep private. As I said in another post, we are many faceted puzzle boxes, and some facets are for ourselves only.

[AKAMichelle]

I know that most people have no business knowing that we are TG, but we go to a lot of lengths to prevent people from finding out about us. Even the people who should know. Our parents when we were little. We hid it from them so we would appear like every other boy our age. We played sports and hid our softer side behind a macho fascade. As we get older we hid it from our GF's because we wanted sex. There is just no other way to spell it out. We develop interests in certain things because that is what boys do. It is often easier to be normal like other guys than it is to deal with the feelings inside. So we act like little robotic men. Following the dumb sucker in front of us who setting that macho standard for all of us to follow.

[TGMarla]

I don't think that keeping to myself what I consider my private doings a matter of deceit or lying to others. It's none of their business. I am quite genuine to all of my friends and loved ones despite the fact that I don't share this part of me with them.

[eluuzion]

With the understanding that the word "you" is used as a general reference and not to any one specific person...

I think the answer here depends upon the degree to which we feel our TG experience defines us a person. In other words, how do you define your TG experience to yourself?
Is it something "you ARE" or is it something "you DO"? Or is it both... and what percentage would you attribute to each one in terms of the role they play in your TG experience?

It is logical for me to assume that the more you perceive your TG behavior as something "you ARE", the more cognitive dissonance (inner conflict) you will feel. This perception would be more inclined to view personal concealment and deception behaviors as acts of self betrayal. (You feel you are deliberately portraying yourself to others as a person you are not).

This "you ARE" perception places greater significance on the concept of "normal" because it is accepting "defined standards of social norms" as a measure of cognitive, emotional and social "stability". This would consequently influence your sense of self-worth.
**********

The "you DO" perception may also have a strong mental attachment to CD behavior. You may be a "true CD", a "fetish CD", a future TS, a woman trapped in wrong body, (or whatever "term" you use to describe yourself). But you perceive it more as something "you Do", rather than something that defines what "you ARE" in relationship to societal "normalcy". It is simply one aspect of being you. It is one of many other aspects, not the ONLY one that exists, lol.

Hence, "normal" is simply a set of socially defined behaviors with limits and boundaries that define acceptable behavior. Unless you can change them or work around them...failing to adhere to these "social norms" means facing negative societal consequences...emotional, financial, physical etc.

It has nothing to do with the concept of fairness, right/wrong or what should/should not exist. What does matter is reality. "It is what it is". You simply decide what is worth the risk and consequences and what is not...

My answer to your final two questions:

How important is it to me to appear to be normal to the rest of the world?
I will admit that there where a few (rare) occasions during my lifetime where I genuinely made that my primary goal. I quickly found that goal to be unrealistic.
I believe a goal must be realistic and attainable. My goal is for people to first consider that I might be “creative” before they consider thinking I might be crazy...

Does this affect your going out or not?
No, it has no effect on any decisions I make about anything. I am like you in that aspect of my life. Some people have wish lists. I have to-do lists and goals.

[AKAMichelle]

Does this affect your going out or not?
No, it has no effect on any decisions I make about anything. I am like you in that aspect of my life. Some people have wish lists. I have to-do lists and goals.

So when are we going to dinner?

[Kate Lynn]

We are normal,my wife used to catch a lot of flak when we used to visit the MSN CD chat,she would tell them that we are normal,that the men who don't dress in womens clothes were abnormal...LOL

In 1987 I met John Bradshaw in Ocala Florida,a friend took me to meet him,and the way I dress was the subject,and Mr. Bradshaw told me,normal is what suits the individual,we are not supposed to all alike,that when God made people like us,he did so to offset the balance.

Some of you might want to google John Bradshaw and learn about him,he makes a lot of sense.