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Thread: Husband not a girlfriend

  1. #26
    erica lynn stone erica12b's Avatar
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    maybe a rock and a hard place would describe it better , try and find a balance with her and remember the stress your dressing may cause, excepting wife's are hard to find ,
    I like my femself; it makes me feel more civilized, i think girltime should be a requirment for all kids.

  2. #27
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    My wife has been Tina's mentor, her girlfriend, her confident, and a massive supporter. Tina has become a third person in our marriage, and that is no trivia thing!

    So what have I "given up" for all this incredible support? One: complete openness...Tina and I tell her what we are thinking and she tells us what she is thinking about every subject transgendered. Two: Tina is private between the two of us (and all of you, of course) but if Tina's existence were to be known to others it would be a joint decision. Three: When she wants her man, she gets him!

    Dear Delia, take her on vacation and rock her world! This is what she is asking for! It is clear as a sunny day! How can you possibly pass up that opportunity? I am also sure that she will make it up to your femme self big time in the future! Do it!!!!

    Tina!

  3. #28
    A Lucky Girl Kim_Bitzflick's Avatar
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    My 2 Cents

    I can see both sides of this. I have been on vacation with my wife, some all male, one all female and one mixed.

    But I think we should also look at this WITHOUT the CD issue.

    If it is a "regular" vacation (no CD issues involved), would you do everything your wife wants and nothing you want?

    In my life, we discuss and do things BOTH of us want to do. Sometimes the vacation is a lot of what I want, sometimes it is a lot of what she wants and sometimes it is what we both want.

    I suggest you compromise with her and suggest that if this vacation is all male for her, the next one is your turn to do what you want.
    Kim

    "I just gotta be me"

  4. #29
    Senior Member Barbra P's Avatar
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    Hi Delila

    I think Eryn hit the nail on the proverbial head, you aren’t going to find an answer to this particular problem here, the answer lies with you and your Wife. In the future I would suggest more and better planning, maybe two vacations, one primary vacation with wife and her husband and maybe a shorter vacation with wife and girlfriend Delila – sharing some girl time, shopping, dinner – maybe a night on the town. Maybe your wife would amendable to spending a couple of days during the vacation with Delila and then the rest of the time with her husband. I’d say it is important to get your expectations and your wife’s expectations about this vacation ironed out prior to the vacation, otherwise one of you is going to be sorely disappointed and that could very well have a very negative impact on this vacation for both of you.
    Babs

  5. #30
    Gender adventurer JamieG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kim_Bitzflick View Post
    If it is a "regular" vacation (no CD issues involved), would you do everything your wife wants and nothing you want?

    In my life, we discuss and do things BOTH of us want to do. Sometimes the vacation is a lot of what I want, sometimes it is a lot of what she wants and sometimes it is what we both want.
    Kim makes a good point here, but I think we have to be careful when the couple is in violent disagreement about what to do. If we push too hard, too fast on the CDing angle, it can only serve to push our SOs away. I don't know how along ago you told your wife about CDing and what your history has been like since then, but it sounds to me like forcing her to deal with CDing on the vacation is only going to end badly. Of course, if you don't indulge your femme self, then you'll be unhappy the whole vacation. What to do?

    How about this? Why not spend one day of the vacation apart? Let her spend the day at the spa (or something else she likes to do). You spend the day indulging your femme self. Whatever it is that you want to do: dress to the nines in your room, paint your nails and walk around town in flip flops, etc. Don't go into details about your plans unless she asks for details (she might prefer to be in the dark about what you're up to), but if she does ask, then be completely honest and straight-forward with her.

  6. #31
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    I understand where you are, Delila. I've been there. You so want the chance to get away and to just be you. You've built up an image of exactly what you want to do and how you want to do it. You've planned every detail of your "dream vacation" and feel that your spouse has just shredded it.

    You feel hurt, frustrated, angry and trapped. And I'll bet that now you're feeling like the people who have commented here haven't understood either.

    I'm guessing, of course, but I think I know because I've been there. Yet from what you describe, it sounds like your otherwise understanding spouse is telling you that this time she really needs a real vacation -- not saddled with family -- but some of the time that she dreams about with her spouse.

    I don't know when, or how often, you get a vacation or a weekend, and I don't know what your financial resources are, but if it is possible could you consider doing another, later trip to one of the crossdresser events that occur around the country? So far as I know, many of them are specifically designed as fun times for those who are otherwise normally closeted and who feel that they cannot routinely pass. I think that if you (and your spouse) can attend one of these you will have the time of your life.

    Is that a possibility?

    Hugs,
    Persephone.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  7. #32
    Always be happy Mistybtm's Avatar
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    IMO: it is better to keep your wife happy. then next vacation it will be your turn.
    Mistybtm

  8. #33
    Aspiring Member kendra_gurl's Avatar
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    Delila:

    Convey to her what you just said in your second post. Start a dialog of communication about how you both really feel. If some sort of compromise can be agreed to great. If not its still best to deal with it before the vacation starts or neither of you will enjoy it.
    I have to say from what I read if its all about you being able to wear nail polish and flipflops then I can see her point. My wife would be embarressed to be seen with me in public as my male self but wearing nail polish. It would also serve as a constant reminder to her that I was wishing for more and not content of being her Man. You mention a vacation as a time to potentially stretch your limits. Could be you have already reached her limits so honest communication is the best advice I can give

  9. #34
    What is normal anyway? Rianna Humble's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delila View Post
    I guess maybe I am forgetting about her bounderies which is wrong.
    This is the first thing that I have read in this thread that gives me some hope that you and your wife will be able to communicate with each other about what you are each feeling.

    Your wife married a man, it is not unreasonable for her to want to go on vacation with him. You corss-dress to a limited extent, it is not unreasonable for you to want to do that and perhaps a little more during part of your vacaction.

    Instead of this being all about you or all about her, this needs to be all about communication. You need to listen to and try to understand her feelings, she needs to do the same for you. only then will you be able to work out a compromise where neither of you has to sublimate themself for the other.
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  10. #35
    Member Being Paige's Avatar
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    You need to just go on vacation and be a husband to your wife, bottom line no if's and or but's. It is one week of your life and it means alot to your wife I'm sure. When I go away on vacations with my family everything Paige stays at home. You could always plan a femme vacation with your wife down the road that the both of you can do together for you! You do this vacation for her! Take time to plan out your vacation wish's and she will hopefully except a vacation with you while enfemme.

  11. #36
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    You are very, very lucky you have an accepting wife. I am one of the lucky ones as well. I firmly believe that your wife has the right to set boundaries when she is present and we cross dressers can not impose upon them our desires. Know where the line is through talking and never cross it. If you want girl time on a vacation, take one. Invite your wife to join or not but she will know the condition of the invitation. As for your vacation together, do something different WITH her.

  12. #37
    Member DanaLynn57's Avatar
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    For the past few years my wife and I have been on mini vacations that has all but revolved around me. I did not dress as Dana for all of the time away but when in "Drab" it seemed we were shopping with Dana being shopped for also. Back last Nov. my wife actually went in public with me as Dana Lynn but she would not ever be seen with Dana unless she felt like she would blend in to some degree. Her major stress factor is we will run into someone we know, etc. As crossdressers we dont really think how this would make our spouse look or even the type of looks she would get from people that would make us. Lets face the music guys, no matter how we think we look in the mirror, it is very hard to fit in. I have really been sellfish with my thinking that ever time we went out of town Dana had to come along.

    My opinion and advice to you Delila is to be the man she married for the weekend and enjoy each others company. Its not always about us as crossdressers. If you go on this trip as the man she married, I bet anything she will see how much you care for her and her feelings and then next time Delila is invited she will remember your sacrafice and reward you. Dont make the mistake I have made and now im paying dearly for it. My wife has done alot of things thru the.past 10 years with Dana that she did because of her love cor me. That is now over for me because I kept pushing her, thinking only of Dana, having a facebook acct.with pictures that she didnt know about, not being totally honest with her etc.

    If you put your spouse first and let her know that she is always first and be attentive to her needs, there can and will be room for Delila. If you dont do this, you will wake up one day losing everything you have now with her and you will be left on the outside looking in.

    This has been one of the better post/ comments that I have read in some time. Responses have helped me in my situation.
    DanaLynn

  13. #38
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    You have already had much good advice. I do know how your are feeling. For long term happiness with your wife I would suggest that you follow the advice of one of my daughters: "Happy wife, happy life". A possible compromise would be to see if your wife would be OK with you wearing something feminine at night once in a while.
    Hugs, Carole

  14. #39
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    "Dear Delia, take her on vacation and rock her world! This is what she is asking for! It is clear as a sunny day! How can you possibly pass up that opportunity? I am also sure that she will make it up to your femme self big time in the future! Do it!!!!

    Tina!"


    Dear Delila,

    Listen to Tina. I know this is not what you want to hear as you have been looking forward to this vacation as a time you can spend some "girl" time. But DON'T DO IT!!

    Your wife has made it quite plain what she wants. She wants to go on vacation with her HUSBAND. She wants to spend some time with her MAN. Man up dear and give it to her. As Tina says above, take her out and rock her world.

    This will earn you SO many points dear. Honest.

    If you don't, you will never hear the end of it. She will drag this out every time she wants to needle you about anything.

    She told you exactly what she wants. She didn't hint about it. She didn't beat around the bush. She came right out and said it. Listen to her. Really. I don't think there is any question about this. Give her what she wants. Next time it will be your turn, and you will have all the credit you need to negotiate this.

    You could even start now. Tell her you will and then DO it. Rock her world. Give her the best time you can. Be the man she married. Be the man she wants. Don't you DARE pout or act resentful. Then next time you will be able to say, "Look, remember what I did just for you? I did it because I love you. Now may I please have some time for MY feminine side?" I am willing to bet she will say YES.

    Put yourself aside for now. You will reap ample rewards later.

    Stephie
    Last edited by Stephenie S; 05-17-2011 at 08:06 PM.

  15. #40
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
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    Hi Delila,

    Others have said it already so I will simply say talk this over with your wife plainly and tell her what you are feeling. LISTEN(!!!) to what her feelings on the subject are. While not perfect, you have it pretty good. If this is something that is really upsetting your wife, reasonable or not, let it go.

    Good luck!

    Quote Originally Posted by Shananigans View Post
    Meaning: Is this really worth it? Women never forget. Ever. I hold onto a grudge like it's my job...mess up my vacation and I'll hang it over your head 10 years from now.
    You are becoming one of my favorite posters Shan! You must know all of the GG's in my life!

    Debby
    Last edited by Debglam; 05-17-2011 at 08:41 PM.

  16. #41
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    As others have said, your wife is sending a message......she wants her husband for vacation, not a girlfreind. Only you know your wife best, but in my opinion, if you do not meet your wifes expectation I honestly think you will regret it.

  17. #42
    Member Delila's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noortje View Post
    Is your wife the sort of person who makes very subtle cryptic remarks and expects you to distill messages like this from them? Why don't you just ask her what she thinks and wants?

    By the way, what she meant is that she does not want you to dress up on your vacation.
    To your question. My wife only speaks in cryptic remarks, generally I can read her like a book the only time I have trouble is with the CDing where I am not sure she is always honest. To be clear so that there is no confusion I am not asking to stroll around town in flip flops with painted nails I merely wanted to wear flip flops on the beach and my nails are always painted. The only vacations I have ever been on in my life have been with my wife and her mother and at least one I didn't want to go on at all and I still went. I am not trying to be a selfish person nor am I trying to spoil her vacation I merely wanted a small opportunity to express myself in what I consider a small way. I will communicate this to her I was really just looking for advice here.
    Love like you've never been hurt,
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  18. #43
    FAB Moderator/ Eryn's GG Mimi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delila View Post
    To your question. My wife only speaks in cryptic remarks, generally I can read her like a book the only time I have trouble is with the CDing where I am not sure she is always honest. To be clear so that there is no confusion I am not asking to stroll around town in flip flops with painted nails I merely wanted to wear flip flops on the beach and my nails are always painted. The only vacations I have ever been on in my life have been with my wife and her mother and at least one I didn't want to go on at all and I still went. I am not trying to be a selfish person nor am I trying to spoil her vacation I merely wanted a small opportunity to express myself in what I consider a small way. I will communicate this to her I was really just looking for advice here.
    Since you say that the two of you don't always communicate clearly, she may have heard you say something about nail polish and enjoying yourself, and immediately had a vision of you dressing 24/7, even though it wasn't at all what you had in mind. I will simply chime in along with everybody else and tell you to communicate to your wife what your expectations actually were. She may be quite relieved to find out that was all it was!

  19. #44
    Chickie Chickhe's Avatar
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    Don't forget, your wife also has a certain view about what her vacation should be. Sounds like she wants to spend some time with you, the you she originally married/fell in love with... probably she is glad you two are finally alone. She may be okay with crossdressing, but maybe it is a small added stress for her....something that cuts in to her total relaxation. So, I guess it would be negotiation time, maybe you can add in a day or so of dressing... if I had to do it and keep the vacation atmosphere, depending on your vacation plans, I would go for a transformation service or an event that requires dressing. Since you are competing with fun...you need to notch up the CDing to be fun for her also if you want her buy in to it.
    Chickie

  20. #45
    mini kilted chick t-girlxsophie's Avatar
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    I think it's right that you both sit down and lay your cards on the table.If you talk things over that means there is no doubt what you both want from your Holiday.maybe you will find she may decide that you can have one night dressed.Vacation time is meant to be relaxing,a break from the rat race.the last thing either of you need is friction at a time when you should be having the best possible time together

    Sophie
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  21. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noortje View Post
    Is your wife the sort of person who makes very subtle cryptic remarks and expects you to distill messages like this from them? Why don't you just ask her what she thinks and wants?

    By the way, what she meant is that she does not want you to dress up on your vacation.
    This is so funny....thanks for clearing this up...lol
    She's back

  22. #47
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    do yu really want advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by Delila View Post
    Am I being selfish hoping for some girl time during my time off?
    You continue to ask this question even though several here have basically suggested that the answer is YES-you are starting to sound selfish.. You can always take a vacation alone if you so desire femme time. The vacation will probably be short and a bit of giving in NOW, may get you rewards in the future. Use this as a bargaining chip for another time. LIfe really is about compromise, even though it sucks sometimes.
    Have fun, be a mensch, and give your wife a nice, stressfree vacation.

  23. #48
    Junior Member JenetGG's Avatar
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    This one hits very close to home. My fiance - CD'er and I broke up a couple of months ago over this very similar situation. We were together for 4 years. I was more than accepting of his femme self - I loved her- found her beautiful, in fact, she showed up early in our relationship and was a new discovery for him. I felt so proud and happy that my partner would discover a part of himself that is very important. For the 4 years, we had a beautiful balance - in the bedroom and out and about sometimes. We always discussed when and where she'd show up and he seemed to respect my wishes. Then we had a week long vacation in Mexico with about 30 (straight) friends. He planned to be "her" the entire week because he deserved it. There was no discussion beforehand about it. He didn't even bring many male clothes. I didn't even think we needed a conversation about it, since we've always done it 50:50. The first 4 days were fun, we hung out at the pool, did lunch, got our toes done, went dancing, went shopping - great! The 5th night though, I requested "him". I wanted a turn to be the woman and be treated special by my man. My request did not go over well and we had a big fight. It made me see that he always had to have things go his way and our relationship ended. Given that he just met his femme self, I don't think he realized the jackpot he hit with such an accepting partner.

  24. #49
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    The answer you seek is simple: compromise.
    If you are Christian then you know that you own your wife and your wife owns you. Therefore you should treat each equally and no side should expect to get everything it wants.

  25. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Delila View Post
    To your question. My wife only speaks in cryptic remarks, generally I can read her like a book the only time I have trouble is with the CDing where I am not sure she is always honest. To be clear so that there is no confusion I am not asking to stroll around town in flip flops with painted nails I merely wanted to wear flip flops on the beach and my nails are always painted. The only vacations I have ever been on in my life have been with my wife and her mother and at least one I didn't want to go on at all and I still went. I am not trying to be a selfish person nor am I trying to spoil her vacation I merely wanted a small opportunity to express myself in what I consider a small way. I will communicate this to her I was really just looking for advice here.
    Speaking only in cryptic remarks seems like something to work on. Open and clear communication is very important in a marriage, especially if the marriage involves crossdressing. I'm sorry if I was being blunt, but I was just surprised that you were asking us what your wife thinks.

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