Husband not a girlfriend

[Delila]

I am about to go on a vacation with my wife. The first that we have taken by ourselves the last couple we have been with her mother. The conversation started sort of inocuously talking about nail polish I said that I didn't like the color she recommended and I was thinking of changing it before vacation if that was ok with her. I meant to keep it for vacation which she picked up. Now I viewed this vacation as a time to potentially stretch some of my limits since it would be extremely unlikely that we would encounter anyone that we knew which is my primary fear going out dressed up. She told me that on this vacation she was expecting to go with a husband not a girlfriend. Am I off center here is this a common line to cross? To me a vacation is doing things that you can't do at home and relaxing. I was really excited by the idea of getting to act more femme away from home. Now I feel that I will be imposing my will on her vacation if I do anything that is not normal husband behavior. Am I wrong should I be the good "husband" and act as masculine as I can during our break? I always thought that vacation was a chance to escape from normal life and do something out of the ordinary. Is her statement a way of showing that out of the ordinary is me acting like a man because that would be stressful to me trying to fit something that I am not. Any advice would be very appreciated especially from GGs that may be familiar with this situation. I know that I should just appreciate what my wife is willing to put up with but I guess I am selfish and want some enjoyment for myself.

[tiffanyjo89]

I don't think you crossed a line that many crossdressers haven't crossed themselves.

What I think your wife was saying was that she wants to spend some time with you as husband and wife, not two girl friends. I think she's okay with your dressing, but wants you to be a man sometimes as well. Maybe next time you two are on vacation you can be "two girlfriends hitting the town" or something, but this time it appears that your wife wants to bond with her husband, the man she married (which is perfectly normal).

You mentioned that the last couple vacations was with your mother-in-law. She probably feels that you two need some time as husband and wife to be a normal married couple and spend some time together. But don't be too surprised if she finds she wants a "girlfriend" along after all...but for now, she appears to want to be a woman and you be the man and y'all two just be husband and wife without a lot of extra stuff.

[Karren H]

It sounds like you should consider yourself lucky she lets you do as much as you do..... and it wouldn't hurt you to do something she wants to do... Life isn't all about you ya know... marriage is a partnership... give and take..... IMHO.... My wife wants a husband all the time so I have very little empathy....

[Shananigans]

Well, I can see both sides of the coin. She wants to spend time with YOU. And, to her, you probably act very differently when in femme. But, she should also understand that you want to have some fun too. Why not meet in the middle? On vacations, my SO and I bring Camie along but he also spends time hanging out with me in drab too and knocking back beers. I find that when he dresses, it can be a little stressful for me. Many, many hours (like half a day) is spent removing body hair (he's Polish)...more hours are spent with me shaping eyebrows and doing makeup...more hours spent with pictures. And, all of this is fun, but sometimes I am like, "Damn...I want to be on the beach right now!" So, we meet in the middle. Maybe spend the day with her in drab and the night in femme? Or maybe spend a day or two in femme and the rest in drab?

P

[Intertwined]

It sounds like you should consider yourself lucky she lets you do as much as you do..... and it wouldn't hurt you to do something she wants to do... Life isn't all about you ya know... marriage is a partnership... give and take..... IMHO.... My wife wants a husband all the time so I have very little empathy....

VERY Well said Karren, Thank You...

[Delila]

Well, I can see both sides of the coin. She wants to spend time with YOU. And, to her, you probably act very differently when in femme. But, she should also understand that you want to have some fun too. Why not meet in the middle? On vacations, my SO and I bring Camie along but he also spends time hanging out with me in drab too and knocking back beers. I find that when he dresses, it can be a little stressful for me. Many, many hours (like half a day) is spent removing body hair (he's Polish)...more hours are spent with me shaping eyebrows and doing makeup...more hours spent with pictures. And, all of this is fun, but sometimes I am like, "Damn...I want to be on the beach right now!" So, we meet in the middle. Maybe spend the day with her in drab and the night in femme? Or maybe spend a day or two in femme and the rest in drab?

Plus, I think that we maximize the time he spend in femme and just really have fun with it. But, he knows that I expect to spend time with Ryan too at the end of the day. I love my Camie time, but I also love my Ryan time. So, I see where your wife is coming from with all of this.

It's a relationship and you have to realize that it's her vacation too. But, I understand that it is also YOUR vacation. You got married and you knew with marriage there was going to be compromise. So, make you wife happy by not spending the ENTIRE time in femme and make yourself happy by taking the time to enjoy yourself in femme.

Talk to your wife about this and see if she finds that more reasonable. Tell her that you want to be there for her and connect with her and have fun, but you also want to take a little time to dress. See if you can't find a compromise that will make you BOTH happy in the long run.

I hope that this helps.

I should be clear. I seldom go out fully dressed there have been a literally 3 occasions all of which were halloween. I am not asking to go fully dressed this particular conversation was related specifically to nail polish. I know that I have little right to complain with so many CDers in the closet but in this particular situation I feel as though she has drawn a line in the sand as it were. I was hoping to express some not full but some of my feminine nature while on vacation I didnt ask to wear a bikini or anything so obvious this was about nail polish and flip flops. I am still not brave enough to go full femme in public outside of holidays. I feel like she is asking me to be MAN through the whole vacation I am not MAN I am something else the male part of my persona does show most of the time more than female though that has been less lately. I don't want to spoil her vacation but since the last vacations that I have been on have been for her family is it really too much to hope that this one I might be able to express myself more than is usual. It might help to mention though it will probably make little difference that I have made the point of being male on our previous vacations to the point ot wearing the couple of pairs of boxers that I own rather than panties the whole time. I have spent my only ever vacations full male I would think that I am due one where I am allowed to express myself. Am I wrong?

[Eryn]

I think that you are discussing this with the wrong people. You really need to talk about this with your wife. Let her know specifically what you want to do and then listen carefully to what she wants to do. I'm fairly sure that a compromise can be worked out between two mature people as long as they communicate well.

[Delila]

I think that you are discussing this with the wrong people. You really need to talk about this with your wife. Let her know specifically what you want to do and then listen carefully to what she wants to do. I'm fairly sure that a compromise can be worked out between two mature people as long as they communicate well.

This is a good point and I have discussed this with my wife who answered that she will think about it. My wife's woman speak is more confusing than average woman speak. I would ask my only CD friend but he is so in denial that his denial has denial. I was hoping for some insight hopefully from some that have been in a similar situation. I am very lost at this point.

[Shananigans]

I should be clear. I seldom go out fully dressed there have been a literally 3 occasions all of which were halloween. I am not asking to go fully dressed this particular conversation was related specifically to nail polish. I know that I have little right to complain with so many CDers in the closet but in this particular situation I feel as though she has drawn a line in the sand as it were. I was hoping to express some not full but some of my feminine nature while on vacation I didnt ask to wear a bikini or anything so obvious this was about nail polish and flip flops. I am still not brave enough to go full femme in public outside of holidays. I feel like she is asking me to be MAN through the whole vacation I am not MAN I am something else the male part of my persona does show most of the time more than female though that has been less lately. I don't want to spoil her vacation but since the last vacations that I have been on have been for her family is it really too much to hope that this one I might be able to express myself more than is usual. It might help to mention though it will probably make little difference that I have made the point of being male on our previous vacations to the point ot wearing the couple of pairs of boxers that I own rather than panties the whole time. I have spent my only ever vacations full male I would think that I am due one where I am allowed to express myself. Am I wrong?

The toe nail polish seems like a reasonable request, but I am not your wife. I agree with Eryn in that you ultimately need to begin communication with her. Does her family even know that you are a CD? And, I understand that you aren't just a "MAN" no one is black and white male or female. You will find that most people are in a grey area to where they enjoy expressing both gender characteristics. This is because no one is purely masculine and no one is purely feminine. But, you DO have societal expectations that you are buying into and so is your wife...and I agree...they suck. But, you have to pick your battles. My grandmother always asked me, "Is this something you want to fight 'the big fight' over?" Meaning: Is this really worth it? Women never forget. Ever. I hold onto a grudge like it's my job...mess up my vacation and I'll hang it over your head 10 years from now. Most women are come from the same stock, so I feel like your wife may not be unlike me in that regard. At the end of the day if your male and female dichotomy is internal and not purely External, can you not find something else to remind you of your inner femme if she is adamantly against toe nail polish? Can you get some good smelling body spray, lotion, or hair products? Maybe you can file and clip your nails so that they look nice and manicured?

[Delila]

The toe nail polish seems like a reasonable request, but I am not your wife. I agree with Eryn in that you ultimately need to begin communication with her. Does her family even know that you are a CD? And, I understand that you aren't just a "MAN" no one is black and white male or female. You will find that most people are in a grey area to where they enjoy expressing both gender characteristics. This is because no one is purely masculine and no one is purely feminine. But, you DO have societal expectations that you are buying into and so is your wife...and I agree...they suck. But, you have to pick your battles. My grandmother always asked me, "Is this something you want to fight 'the big fight' over?" Meaning: Is this really worth it? Women never forget. Ever. I hold onto a grudge like it's my job...mess up my vacation and I'll hang it over your head 10 years from now. Most women are come from the same stock, so I feel like your wife may not be unlike me in that regard. At the end of the day if your male and female dichotomy is internal and not purely External, can you not find something else to remind you of your inner femme if she is adamantly against toe nail polish? Can you get some good smelling body spray, lotion, or hair products? Maybe you can file and clip your nails so that they look nice and manicured?

I get what you are saying I really do. But the nail polish is an example really a small part ifof the issue. Can I go a week without polish on my toenails? Sure but what is the next restriction I have to wear men's underwear every day because I could be seen? I can't do the small feminine things that make me feel ok without fear? Really it is a small point in a bigger problem I try to be the husband as often as I can manage and honestly sometimes more than feels right. I know that she has made sacrifices to deal with what and who I am I sometimes wish that I could be the man that she seems to want. Ultimately I was fully honest with her from very early in our relationship there has been very little dishonestly and what there has been has been a result of fear. I had considered this vacation this one small thing to be a chance for me to really relax and be me. Is that really so much to ask? Am I being selfish hoping for some girl time during my time off?

[Shananigans]

I get what you are saying I really do. But the nail polish is an example really a small part ifof the issue. Can I go a week without polish on my toenails? Sure but what is the next restriction I have to wear men's underwear every day because I could be seen? I can't do the small feminine things that make me feel ok without fear? Really it is a small point in a bigger problem I try to be the husband as often as I can manage and honestly sometimes more than feels right. I know that she has made sacrifices to deal with what and who I am I sometimes wish that I could be the man that she seems to want. Ultimately I was fully honest with her from very early in our relationship there has been very little dishonestly and what there has been has been a result of fear. I had considered this vacation this one small thing to be a chance for me to really relax and be me. Is that really so much to ask? Am I being selfish hoping for some girl time during my time off?

The fact that you say it is a small point in a bigger problem just shows that this isn't just about the vacation and the toe nail polish. What you are telling me Right Now is that this vacation isn't enough. What you are saying essentially is that you want more freedom in your every day lives...but, you are using the vacation to test your boundaries.

Is this what is Really going on?

[Delila]

The fact that you say it is a small point in a bigger problem just shows that this isn't just about the vacation and the toe nail polish. What you are telling me Right Now is that this vacation isn't enough. What you are saying essentially is that you want more freedom in your every day lives...but, you are using the vacation to test your boundaries.

Is this what is Really going on?

It may be that I want to use the vacation to test the waters so to speak. I do want more in my daily life and I am honestly afraid to ask for it. The fear is probably self imposed but ultimately it is there. I don't think I want to go out fully dressed I really don't think I have the courage what I really want is to be able to wear more feminine clothes sometimes but really I am concerned about her comfort. She says that she doesnt care but that seems more of a "I care but I don't want to say so in case it hurts you." The times that I have tried to push the lines it has always seemed like it was pushing her comfort. How can you know when "I understand" really means that and is not just a trap to see how far you will push?

[Stephanie47]

Your wife wants a vacation with a husband, not a girl friend. You stated the answer to your question. You stated a vacation is a time to do things you cannot do at home and relax. This sounds like more than wearing nail polish. Dressing en femme would be relaxing for whom? You stated you've been out three times, all at Halloween. Are you easily read? I would love to go out en femme. However, my wife would be mortified if I went en femme in public. I have no illusion about passing- I don't. Do you want to subject your wife to possible uneasy confrontations, glances, etc? I would suggest a separate mini vacation-three day weekend-for yourself. The last thing I would do is to make my wife unhappy on a mutual vacation.

[Shananigans]

It may be that I want to use the vacation to test the waters so to speak. I do want more in my daily life and I am honestly afraid to ask for it. The fear is probably self imposed but ultimately it is there. I don't think I want to go out fully dressed I really don't think I have the courage what I really want is to be able to wear more feminine clothes sometimes but really I am concerned about her comfort. She says that she doesnt care but that seems more of a "I care but I don't want to say so in case it hurts you." The times that I have tried to push the lines it has always seemed like it was pushing her comfort. How can you know when "I understand" really means that and is not just a trap to see how far you will push?

You have to communicate. Now that you know what you are really asking for, you can start this level of communication. It's hard to do and you may have to go to a counselor for it to be really effective on the level that you are hoping for. It doesn't mean y'all are crazy or are having problems...but, sometimes it is nice to have an outside party who can see things that you cannot see and steer the conversations to a more constructive level. Those are just my thoughts..

[ReineD]

I was hoping to express some not full but some of my feminine nature while on vacation I didnt ask to wear a bikini or anything so obvious this was about nail polish and flip flops.

...

I have spent my only ever vacations full male I would think that I am due one where I am allowed to express myself. Am I wrong?

I understand your feelings. I hope I can explain your wife's, even though I don't know her. So what I'm about to say has more to do with me.

I don't know how old you are, or if it is common among your friends for the guys to go out wearing nail polish or femme flip flops, or however you may wish to express your femininity. But where I live, it would be a cause for raised eyebrows, although most people are polite enough not to say anything out loud.

We had a poll years back when we still had polls and asked the GGs to tell what they found most stressful about the CDing. The biggest issue (other than having been lied to) was what other people thought, especially in the beginning. GGs take on the looks, the sneers that are directed against CDers as if they are directed against them. I remember in the beginning feeling horrible when people would read my SO and "stare". One time I don't know what I wanted to do more: sink into the ground, or slap him (the guy who I thought was sneering). We were in an art gallery.

So maybe your wife is looking forward to a stress free vacation and it is not so much about whether she sees you as a man or a woman. It might actually be easier if you could just pick one or two days and dress fully, and then be in guy mode the rest of the time. At least when you are fully dressed you stand a chance of blending in with the crowd better rather than have your wife wonder how many people are noticing your painted nails all week, and what they are thinking.

We all like to believe we don't care what other people think, but it takes time before some people can develop a thick skin.

I also agree with Eryn. Can you ask your wife why she doesn't care to have you express femininity on your vacation? And can you also tell her that you'd like to, since it is your vacation too, and perhaps you can both reach a compromise?

[Delila]

You have to communicate. Now that you know what you are really asking for, you can start this level of communication. It's hard to do and you may have to go to a counselor for it to be really effective on the level that you are hoping for. It doesn't mean y'all are crazy or are having problems...but, sometimes it is nice to have an outside party who can see things that you cannot see and steer the conversations to a more constructive level. Those are just my thoughts..

I hope to respond to two posts with one. I can understand her wanting her own stress free vacation she has had more than one without me. This is a very hard conversation to address I have a hard time discussing such things without some alteration (reads liquor) so I think she doesnt take me seriously. I likely will never go out fully dressed I am very readable too tall with male build. I enjoy the occasional blend I also work to have such blends not be read. I do not trust councelors on any level and refuse to speak with one this is just a personal view on them. I guess this is really making a mountain out of a mole hill but I truly see it as a real limit or a marker that the only time that I have felt comfortable doing and sort of public dressing is when I plan to be on vacation and she shot me down. It makes me think that much of the support over the years has been false or really just saying what I want to hear knowing that I don't have the courage to follow through. This is one of the first times that I am really interested in going beyond the norm and pushing my bounderies. I gues maybe I am forgetting about her bounderies which is wrong.

[Holly]

The fact that you are suspicious of her motives tells me that the two of you have more communicating to do! When we are seeking a solution to a situation and it involves compromise, the nature of the action itself is going to involve stretching some boundaries and likely discomfort for both parties. The key is to do so with the proper attitudes... her, genuinely willing to allow you some latitude in your gender exploration during part of your vacation and you, giving your wife her guy time free of resentment on your part. The sooner you begin a dialog with her, the sooner you both can reach an agreement. And be prepared to continue the conversation after the vacation as well. I hope you both have a great time.

[ReineD]

This is a very hard conversation to address I have a hard time discussing such things without some alteration (reads liquor) so I think she doesnt take me seriously.

That's not good, Delila. If it's important enough for you to post here, then it's important enough to have deeper a heart-to-heart with your wife.

Since you do work hard to have your occasional blends not be read, I'm at a loss to imagine why your wife is unwilling to have you express yourself unless, as you say, she doesn't know how important it is because the two of you have not had serious discussions about this?

I wouldn't go so far as saying that her support over the years was fake though. But if you express yourself only in private with her, then perhaps she doesn't understand why you'd want to do it in public? You do need to ask her.

[Kathy4ever]

In life we have to make choices. I think you have to make the choice of making her happy at this time. That is my problem as well. If you want the relationship to suceed I guess you have to use your inner feminity to please your spouse. It is easy for us to push the envelope but you both might end up having a miserable vacation. It seems to me you need relax and enjoy annd make her happy. On the inside you can hope she surprises you and let's you do something you want. Just becareful because wishing can lead to disappointment. Enjoy your vacation.

[kittypw GG]

Hi Delila,
Since you stated that this is the first vacation in a long time that you two will be alone, I can see why your wife said that she wanted to go on vacation with her husband and not a girlfreind. She wants romance with the man she married. In my marriage I did not like to mix a vacation with my husband with "her" especially since I only marinally enjoyed spending time with "her". Also there is the fear of the unknown. We would take mini vacations that were designated for him to streach his wings as "her". We would go to places that we already checked out as husband and wife. These would be gay clubs that were tolerant of trans people. I did not feel comfortable going out in the general public. Perhaps she is not either.

I would suggest you man it up on this vacation and when the time is right ask for a weekend away to be Delia. That always seemed fair to me. Good luck.

[erickka]

I can see your wife's point of view. You are fortunate in the fact that she is accepting. Bearing that in mind, and since marriage is a two way street ,I think that if I were in your shoes, I would do everything in my power to do what she requests of you. Later on down the road, there is a real good possibility that she may let you have a Delila weekend, since you were able to do for her as she asked on vacation.

[Claire Cook]

If my experience is any guide, be patient and take your time. Keep in mind that this is a mutual vacation, not just yours. You can express your femme side in ways that don't involve dressing -- buy her some roses, surprise her with nice earrings, or other thoughtful touches.

A good relationship takes time to build. Let her take the lead here, and as others have said, communicate.

[Tina B.]

I've read a couple of post here that make Delila sound shellfish, but lets keep in mind there past vacations where spent whit her mother in law, maybe asking the wife to do one her is not such a shellfish thing after all. But Dalila, that's pretty much what my wife would say too.
Tina B.

[sometimes_miss]

Delila, you're kind of caught in a 'catch 22'. If you are allowed to relax and enjoy your female self, your wife will not. If she is allowed to relax and have the relationship with you that she wants, you will have to 'act the part' of a 'standard issue guy', and you will not be able to completely 'relax' and enjoy the vacation. I don't know the solution.

[Noortje]

Is her statement a way of showing that out of the ordinary is me acting like a man because that would be stressful to me trying to fit something that I am not.

Is your wife the sort of person who makes very subtle cryptic remarks and expects you to distill messages like this from them? Why don't you just ask her what she thinks and wants?

By the way, what she meant is that she does not want you to dress up on your vacation.