What's in it for our SOs?

[Eryn]

I haven't heard of a CDer yet who doesn't want their SO to be accepting. We'd love for them to share our adventure and perhaps even assist us down the path we have chosen.

This is all well and good, but let's step back for a moment and look at it from our SOs' points of view. They obviously care about us, but we've dropped bombs of large proportion on our relationships. Do they see further life with us as an existence catering to our narcissistic whims? After all, each of our SOs married a man and probably could care less about having yet another girlfriend with whom to go shopping!

If we want a happy, continuing relationship, we as CDers should be asking ourselves a question: What's in it for our SOs? If they are to accept our CDing they should also perceive benefits for themselves.

I recently had a pleasant afternoon conversation with my wife and we discussed this concept as it applies to our relationship. Let me share that with you:

The first thing that we noted is that I'm calmer and more pleasant to be around since we had “the talk.” This change didn't happen overnight and there were some rough spots and regressions, but I was eventually able to better come to grips with myself and my frustration level dropped. This has made things much better for our relationship.

The second item is that our communication has improved. Rather than holding things inside and hoping that my wife would somehow read my mind I realized that it is much better to just discuss whatever is bothering me. Again, this reduces both our frustration levels and makes life calmer.

Third, I've consciously tried to make my SO's life easier. I was more self-centered before we had “the talk” and suffered from a bout of pink fog afterward, but now that I am (mostly) beyond that I try to find things that will make her life more pleasant, such as chores that can be shared.

Now, please don't interpret this post as advocating a “tit for tat” relationship. There should be no adolescent expectation of “if you do this for me I will do that for you.” One should do thoughtful acts out of love and respect for one's spouse without expectation of a specific reward.

Now I'll throw it open to discussion. What do you think of this concept?

[2SpeedTranny]

Little simpler than that here.

My gal is a bit... shall we say... bi.

I'm her lipstick lezzie girlfriend


Communication, blah, blah, blah... that stuff is for Cosmo.

[Shananigans]

^^^ Ditto to 2Speed hahaha...

But, also because of things like this (in no specific order of importance)...

1. It's fun in the bedroom...especially if you are bisexual. You get the best of both worlds.
2. You have a life-sized Barbie doll that is only too happy to be made over.
3. Your SO can understand things like razor rash, leg pain from high heels, and barbaric terms of hair removal. You can also get advice on clothing.
4. You can share clothes.
5. Camie tends to be a lot sweeter and more affectionate.
6. Inside jokes that make your friends really question what the hell is going on between you two.
7. It's always awesome to watch my SO be amazed by the small things in life...like painted nails. I made her day by painting her nails and it made me feel great too.
8. Shopping IS fun. I seriously don't think you can have too many shopping partners.
9. Adrenaline rush. Driving around town with Camie and picking up food was so crazy for both of us. We always get like giddy little school girls when we take Camie out in public.
10. It's fun to have the couple dynamic and also the two girlfriend dynamic (but, maybe girlfriends with benefits).

[Bernadina]

Not quite sure what concept you are proposing.

Personally, if I'm going to ask her to accept my feminization, I'm going to go out of my way to treat her like a Princess, whatever that means, with real not just perceived benefits.

I also think that things like improved communications, helping with chores etc., should be addressed anyway in every relationship, not just as a part of CDing.

[ReineD]

In the beginning I used to think it was fun having "another girlfriend", and I guess it is fun to have someone who doesn't mind watching a chick flick. (My SO actually agreed to watch Tangled with me, lol). But, I've seen one of my sons watch a chick flick with his girlfriend, so maybe this is not so rare. Also my SO and I are past the stage of painting each other's toe nails just for the sake of being girly, although if she asked me to paint hers I would, and I've no doubt she'd return the favor for me. Couples do things for one another whether the things are girly or not. As to the shopping, I much prefer going on my own if I need something. I've always been that way. Get in, hunt for what I want, and get out. It's much more efficient that way and I hate to think there is someone waiting for me while I am trying things on.

So fundamentally, it's much deeper than that.

We are two human beings with different needs and issues, and it's nice to know we are there for each other through thick and thin. We each shift our lives to accomodate the other. It's what we both want to do, out of love and caring. I don't see either of us making any greater "sacrifice" than the other.

[VioletJourney]

I'd like to think it would be reassuring to know that we understand women much better than the average guy.

[2SpeedTranny]

I'd like to think it would be reassuring to know that we understand women much better than the average guy.

Bwahahahaaaaaa! You funny!!!!

[sometimes_miss]

What's in it for our SOs?

Not much. I was already doing a lot of housework, tried to be supporting as much as possible, was already working 7 days a week to support us, went shopping with her a lot, so there wasn't much more I could offer her in return for her accepting my crossdressing (and hey, I like chick flicks and romantic dramas). I did offer to do ALL the housework if she let me dress as a maid, but that didn't fly. Basically, if you've damaged her sexual attraction to you by introducing into the relationship the image of you as a female, there isn't much to make up for that.

[Noortje]

I think a perceived benefit is a bonus, but not a necessity. After all, everybody has qualities their SO doesn't like, but also doesn't mind. Suppose someone has a scar, does their SO have to perceive a benefit of that somehow? Or can they just say: "I was not looking for a person with a scar, but I found one, and it's OK".

I just want to emphasise that your statement "If they are to accept our CDing they should also perceive benefits for themselves." is not correct. My girlfriend has many flaws of all kinds, and I love (almost) all of them, because they are hers.

[Gillian Gigs]

There is an expression that goes like this, " never critisize some one until you walked a mile in there shoes". Having a greater understanding for your SO is good no matter if you are a CD, or not. It is always good to share things in common.

[Chrissy.Sexton]

I can never tell my SO. Not because of how she'd react but because this is very much "my thing" and I don't want to share it.

[FAVORITE HEELS]

Eryn,
I agree with you 100%.Must be because we are both So.Cal Gurls or something.I have been reading alot of yours and your wifes posts and find that agree with most of what you both have to say.It looks like we have the same values and both have accepting SO's.I like to see that your wife is involved with this site.My wife asks me about my dressing and our talks are getting more productive.I dont think she will ever want to see me dressed.She does however like the ability for me to be a better listener and are more patient with the kids as a result of being able to dress up.We like to shop(for her so far) and I have been doing more chores(dressed if possible) and she appreciated the help.I need to dress often I have the house to myself all week 8-5 and that means I am calmer more often.I am really lucky to have her be accepting of me as a CD'r.Just wish i was able to shave my legs and arms chest.Just are able to shave my feet ankles and upper chest(neck/bra line for now).As it turns out my body hair is one of her favorite things.I will give in to that for her enjoyment.I just want to know HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS PINK FOG GOING TO ROLL IN ??THERES WORK TO BE DONE AND I DONT WANT TO SOIL MY DRESS AND HOSERY!!

[Katesback]

I cannot see any benefit in having a man that is a CD. If I date a man I want a man. Spare me the "Katie your not accepting". I am the first person to encourage you to be who you are. I just don't want anything to do with the CD stuff in MY personal life.

Katie

[suchacutie]

Since my wife and I discovered Tina AFTER 34 years of marriage and my age 55, we started from the beginning with sharing everything about Tina, and my wife is completely supportive. We have talked about everything, and I do mean everything! So...

1) Just talking is important: My wife desires the intimacy of conversation between the two of us. To quote, "I'm honored that you trusted me enough to share this part of you and didn't hide it when it came about. I understand how vulnerable this could make you feel!"

2) I suddenly realized that I didn't know what it was like growing up as a girl: My wife realized quickly that Tina was, effectively, born in August of 2005, and that Tina had to go through a lot of the growing pains that every girl does as she grows into adulthood. Some of the trivial items are experimenting with makeup, finding your "style" in clothes, learning to walk in heels, learning how to dress, learning what feminine clothes are!, learning the vocabulary (what the devil are "doleman" sleeves, for example). Then there are the more difficulty things like socialization, psychology, expectations, and desires! That got my wife and I discussing very private feelings about growing up as a girl or as a boy. We suddenly were sharing experiences we both had not thought of in years, but clearly experiences that had shaped each of us. We began to uncover snippits of "Tina" in my past and my wife related to Tina just how girls should act and think. Those discussions were very intimate, and many were deeply buried in our psychies in places we thought we would never return. Very intimate.

3) There are some (possibly triavial to some) outcomes of having your husband "thinking" like a girl. For the last 5.5 years, my wife has never been "late" once. Why is that? It's because I know just how long it will take her to do anything feminine! I understand her daily life so much better! We share moisturizer. We share a daily skin regimine. We have conversations about feminine issues that most males couldn't have because they don't want to or they don't even understand the words! They sure can't share the experiences! Oh, and this is all in male mode!

4) Tina is my wife's girlfriend. Tina is completely intereseted in anything and everything my wife has to say and what she wants to do. I hate chick flicks, Tina loves them! It's just the way it is and that's just the tip of the iceberg! They have a great time together.

All in all, Tina has brought my wife and I closer together on any number of levels. My wife loves the openness that has resulted in our lives and, frankly, so do I!!!

[Barbra P]

Hi Eryn

Very interesting post, I envy your ability to sit down and have a discussion with your wife, mine isn’t amendable to doing that. She met me at a party and I was dressed en femme, she has seen me en femme literally every October, and not just on Halloween but for a good deal of the month. She has come home unexpectedly from work and caught me en femme countless times. But we are both retired now, both home pretty much all the time together. We go to the Doctor’s together, even into the examining room- not many if any secrets; about the only place I don’t go with my wife is when she goes for a haircut, and even then depending on where she is going I sometimes tag along – she goes to one hairdresser’s home and I like to go with her.

I can’t say that she gets anything tangible out of my CD’ing, but the man she loves and married is the man who has been a CD’er since childhood. My cross-dressing is an integral part of me, it is part of my makeup, part of my personality, if she loves me then she also loves the part of me that was/is shaped and molded by my CD’ing. I can’t just stop, I have tried that and it doesn’t work for me. I sometimes get a little tired of hearing about what is in it for our SO’s or how they feel and very little about how we feel about being denied a big part of our existence.

I love my Wife dearly, we have been married 40 years, and I’m extremely hurt by her inability to cope with whom I am or even try to understand, or even listen. I bought “My Husband Wears My Clothes” hoping that maybe she would at least get an inkling of what I feel and what CD’ing means to me. I wrote a three page letter to go with the book attempting to explain what I feel and that I have been this way since childhood. She hid both the book and the letter and has not read either.

The only way I can meet my CD needs seems to be by hurting my wife, and I think that is as painful for me as it for her, maybe more so. The only alternative that I see is to stop doing something that has been an important part of my being for 60 years; I’ve tied that and I was miserable and difficult to live with. I didn’t give a damn about anybody, I didn’t care to be intimate, I was hard on the grandchildren, and I was a real macho sob. I got interested and started CD’ing again a short time ago and we have been intimate more in that short time than in the last 8 or 9 years. I actually enjoy being with my wife in the bedroom again and look forward to every opportunity when we will be alone in the home. I’m more relaxed for days after dressing, I’m probably the most forgiving and loving person in the house with the Grandkids after I have dressed. So maybe those qualities are tangible things that my Wife and family benefit from my CD’ing.

We are not in a financial position to get a divorce and while her pension, and my IRA and a couple small insurance policies (if something were to happen to me) would be enough for her to live on, my $1000 a month SS surely isn’t enough for me to live on. I understand that a helium balloon kit from Party Town, a piece of tubing, and a plastic bag is a very quick and painlessly solution for me, probably not for my Wife though.

[ReineD]

I cannot see any benefit in having a man that is a CD. If I date a man I want a man. Spare me the "Katie your not accepting". I am the first person to encourage you to be who you are. I just don't want anything to do with the CD stuff in MY personal life.

Sorry Kate, but I cannot stop shaking my head in wonderment at the paradox you represent. Who other than a transsexual can best look beyond someone's external gender to see the essence of the soul within? I don't want to say that your comment is hypocritical, but I do believe it is rather harsh and limited. Are you saying this to make a point, or would you ever purposely not love someone because he CDs?

[JulieK1980]

I'm sure this depends mostly on the individual, and the individual relationship. Being transgendered has influenced who I am as a person, and apparently my wife is happy (for the most part lol) with who I am as a person considering she willingly married me. Thus there is an inherent benefit for her in that.

I cannot see any benefit in having a man that is a CD. If I date a man I want a man. Spare me the "Katie your not accepting". I am the first person to encourage you to be who you are. I just don't want anything to do with the CD stuff in MY personal life.

I find a bit of irony in this. To each their own I suppose.

[Stephanie47]

There is absolutely nothing in it for my wife. She married a guy. I have and would do all the domestic chores now that I am retired. We shared the domestic chores when we both worked. That is the only fair way to work a marriage. She does not approve of cross-dressing. If she were head over high heels about my cross dressing, maybe it would be fun for me and maybe both of us. While she is at work, I can and do dress in pretty dresses, all appropriate undergarments, heels and a wig. I think cross dressing makes my life fuller. I think most spouses would rather have their guy 24/7.

[Katesback]

After having worked with countless trans people I can say that in general CDs exhibit traits listed below.

1. Ever escalating drive for freedom of expression.
2. Many are really TS but wont admit it (if I marry a man I want a man)
3. Many exhibit increasing fetisistic behaviors (not my thing sorry)
4. Many when in girl mode will do things to satisfy thier sexual desires (I dont want my guy cheating on me)
5. Many increasingly expect thier wives to be "accepting" (really this means participatory in thier behaviors)
6. Constant reminders of trans related activities (I lived through this and now days it is behind me, not interested in reliving this)

Because of the constant pushing to express themselves, I have NO desire to impose any restriction upon anyone (it is wrong) hence I refuse to date a CD.

Sorry Kate, but I cannot stop shaking my head in wonderment at the paradox you represent. Who other than a transsexual can best look beyond someone's external gender to see the essence of the soul within? I don't want to say that your comment is hypocritical, but I do believe it is rather harsh and limited. Are you saying this to make a point, or would you ever purposely not love someone because he CDs?

[ReineD]

Kate, you're meeting all the wrong CDers! My SO and many others like him aren't the way you describe at all!

And I, for one, place absolutely no restrictions on him. I can't, really. No one gave me that power.

[Nigella]

Kate

Sorry to say this but you need to get a smaller paint brush.

[Katesback]

Absolutely there are exceptions but hey it is a risk just like dating an addict. Am I willing to take that risk? Nope. I would rather be single. Finally another reason I would not date a CD is because of the assumed understanding I would have. Who says I have to be understanding or accepting? Hell I am just as critical of gay men that act like fames. I myself respect men that act like men regardless of thier sexual preference.

Kate, you're meeting all the wrong CDers! My SO and many others like him aren't the way you describe at all!

And I, for one, place absolutely no restrictions on him. I can't, really. No one gave me that power.

[sissystephanie]

Kate, I guess it is good that you will never meet my late wife!! She would have a number of things to say to you that would probably change your mind!! I told her that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me anyway!! I have always assumed that one of the main reasons was that I have never had any desire to actually be a woman! I just like to dress like one, but under the satin and lace I am still all MAN!! And that is true of a great many of the MTF CD's on this forum!!

My late wife and I had almost 50 years of happy married life before cancer took her. What did she get out of our life? A husband who loved her in very many ways, and a special girl friend when she wanted her!! I never pushed her to let me be Stephanie, because I did not need to!! Sometimes she would tell me to go dress as Stephanie because she wanted to go shopping, and wanted Stephanie's help. In fact, I probably picked out at least 75% of her clothes!! My color sense is not all that good, but my sense of what would look good on her body was very good!! I still do that for my lady friends, of which I have many!! I don't know if that is my feminine or male side that gives me that ability!!

[kendra_gurl]

Whats in it for my SO? She now understands why I have the traits she fell in love with. Why I am not the asshole so many other SO's of friends she works with seem to be. She tells me all the time about the girl talk at work and how glad she is I am not one of those type of husbands.

Other than this there not a lot for her as a benifit and I'm sure there are a lot of negatives but we seem to dealing with all of it

[Rianna Humble]

Who other than a transsexual can best look beyond someone's external gender to see the essence of the soul within?

Reine, you are right that a TS ought to be best placed to do this, but we each have our own limitations. I believe that in order to be able to look beyond the exterior to what makes a person tick, we have to be interested in other people and humble enough to want to see them progress.

It is unfortunate that some members appear only to post for the purpose of self-aggrandizement and seem to dismiss true support as prolonging dysfunctional behaviour. Such people express the kind of negativity upon which you commented.