Is it worth the risk?

[CharlotteSomers]

I just read Karren's thread about her wife finding out. It seems like everything is going to work out for them and I truly hope that it does.

However, Its funny how priorities change like that (all of the sudden, the family is more important than dressing up) when someone important finds out. I'm single so I don't have to deal with that yet. Someday I want to get married though.

I see stories like this all the time and most don't have a happy endning. It makes me wonder if it's worth the risk. If I find the love of my life, I would do everthing I can to make sure there is nothing to find out. I'm not saying I would try to hide it. I'm saying I think I would stop being Charlotte if it ever came down to that. I just would not want to risk loosing the perfect woman just so I can wear girls clothing. Not only that, but I don't think I could handle hurting someone so deeply that I love so much. If she were to have the typical reaction of wanting to leave, thinking I'm not the same person she loves, etc, etc, even if she were to eventually accept it I'm sure there would always be some amount of distrust in the relationship.

I know some of us girls say that if she can't accept me being Charlotte, then she is not the girl I should be with anyway. After reading lots of posts from some of the GGs on here, I believe that it's not right for me to expect a girl to accept crossdressing in the man she loves. Most girls like guys to be guys. I know how I would feel if I had a wonderful, beautiful woman and she told me she wants to look and act like a guy.

Now I'm not saying this is how everybody should feel, it's just how I feel.

Any other thoughts on this?

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Well a big part of the problems for many SOs is often that the crossdressing was hidden from them. I'll defer to the GGs, but my sense is that hiding a secret (regardless of "good" intentions) is something many GGs have real problems with -- more so than we do as men. After all when growing up girls form friendships by sharing secrets in a way that boys don't do. (If anything we usually avoid disclosing too much to other boys out of fear out secrets will be used against us.)

It's true that some women can't handle crossdressing in their man and that many women probably would have a don't-ask-don't-tell policy -- but there are women who are accepting, even actively supportive. You just need to find one.

[GypsyKaren]

I know I took a giant risk throughout the years of losing everything, but it's not like I could help it. I tried my best to suppress myself, almost to the point of a breakdown, yet I still continued dressing. You are what you are, I know that I had no choice in being who I was.

I'm very lucky by having such a wonderful wife who took the time and trouble to see the real me. I know she didn't sign up for a life-long tour with someone so confused, if I had the strength to tell her years ago I would have. Whether I'm Karen or Gypsy, I'm the same person inside that she fell in love with, and she realizes this.

I'm lucky that she's so open minded and not afraid of my weaknesses. I tried to quit so many times for her over the years so as not to hurt her. I tried to be a man, but that's not who I am inside, so I always failed. I just couldn't help it, I had no choice, and I always went back to being Karen. I know that I hurt her by being deceptive and caused her pain, and I'll always add more hate to myself for doing that. I wish things had been different for me in life, but I'm playing the hand I was dealt with.

GypsyKaren

[Deidra Cowen]

Charolette,

Find a GG thats into Tgirls if you can...best of both worlds that way. I see you live in Tampa. I know theres a great Tgirl scene down there that revolves around Club Z109. I would bet there are GGs that hang around that club and the Tgirls. We have them here in atlanta...now granted they are rare...but you can find them.

Good luck!

[Mitzi]

Charlotte...

Many, if not most of us married cd's either thought we could stop, or that the desire to dress would go away, once we married the "perfect girl". Of course, you can stop dressing, but the urge wiill never go away. For me, it got worse, since I could no longer dress whenever I wanted. When the desire becomes so strong, we revert to secretly stashing stuff away, and dress when the family goes away, then purging, except for a favorite item, in my case a pair of heels. Then the sense of guilt, not because of the dressing itself, but of hiding this secret from your wife...what happens if she finds out...

It's far better that she knows of your dressing before you marry. So you have to find someone who you feel is open enough to at least tolerate it.

Mitzi

[racquel]

I need to agree with Darla that honesty up front is the way to go.In my case I tried to stop,kept it secret until the relationship was very serious and then lost it, mostly because she was upset that I was not able to be open about who I was, and the deceit in keeping a secret after swearing I was being open and honest.
I promised myself that the next time I would bring the subject forward early in the relationship and if she was opposed to it the loss would be minimised.
We have been together twenty-one years now.

[Olivia]

She ain't the "perfect woman" if she doesn't accept you for what you are. Olivia.
damn.

[Sharon]

It's been my experience that it is best, and easiest, to tell someone about yourself as early in the relationship as possible, but only after that person has gotten to know and appreciate you first.

I told my future wife about myself shortly after meeting her, when I found myself thinking about a future with her. In my way of thinking, I figured that if she ran away screaming because of my dressing, then it would be less traumatic for me than if she found out about me later in our relationship when our emotions were even more intertwined.

We had a dozen good years together before she passed almost eleven years ago now. It wasn't always easy as she seemed to know I was more than just someone who enjoyed wearing feminine clothing (I was in heavy denial), but she accepted me remarkably well. She was also the only person I ever told about myself until a year ago when I finally came to terms with who and what I am.

I am currently seeing someone off-and-on who also knows about me, although she initially found out about me in a less than ideal manner (reported in length early this year). She is totally accepting of me and even encourages and prods me to be more open about myself, but, acceptance alone does not a future together make.

I can't imagine not telling someone about myself, not if I want a life free of deceit, concealment, and the ever-present fear of discovery. In my opinion, SO's who are secure in themselves and in our sincerity of emotions towards them, will be more accepting of us, no matter what clothing we choose to don.

[Olivia]

It's been my experience that it is best, and easiest, to tell someone about yourself as early in the relationship as possible, but only after that person has gotten to know and appreciate you first.


I can't imagine not telling someone about myself, not if I want a life free of deceit, concealment, and the ever-present fear of discovery. In my opinion, SO's who are secure in themselves and in our sincerity of emotions towards them, will be more accepting of us, no matter what clothing we choose to don.

Hear, Hear!! Thank you Sharon for validating how I feel as well. Olivia

[KatieZ]

I went through my early years thinking this was just a phase, a passing little quirk that would just go away some day. However it became increasingly more a part of me and I didn't understand it. I, as many others, thought that marriage to the perfect woman would "cure" me and that would be that. Don't fall into that trap. The desire to dress will never go away. And marriage only complicates things wen the desire comes roaring back. Marriage is most likely goint to produce children. And that complicates it even more. If/when your wife finds out and possibly turns out to be one of the many that can't handle it, you not only ruin your marriage but also the joy of raising your kids. There is way too much to sacrifice thinking that you are stronger than what is deep down inside yourself. Be honest with yourself and let a prospective mate know just who you are, or your perfect marriage just might not be so perfect after all. Been there, done that, f'ed it all up. Ruined a good womans dream of happily ever after and missed so much of my childs youth. It wasn't worth keeping "the secret".
Hugs

[Tiffy]

It may be a risk. But I could never stop being who I am. I tried that already. It was not pretty.

April

[Wendy me]

Charlotte i seen your pics... it's clear that you enjoy being your fem side ...to give that up won't work trust me when i got marryed i tryed to stop this cding and could not do it shame, fear of getting cought , fear of loseing my wife and family...through it all hideing it ....she (wendy) was banging on the closet door to come out... even now my wife knows and i struggle for her to come to terms with it ...even though today we crossed a lot of bridges just a fab... day in our progress still a lot to go...i so love my wife and don't want to hurt or lose her but girlfreind this part of who we are is not just a fadeing thingy ...if i could go back and do things over i would tell her from the start we might not have gotton marryed but god the pain and guilt it could have saved us would be worth it .... now sticking it out .. in this for the long run....

[MsEva]

Charlotte, speaking as one of the more senior girls here..ok I am only 48, but timing in everything..now with the internet it is easier to know that you are not alone or a freak of nature or a monster. I got married in 1981. I know I should have been up front with my dear wife, but there is an ebb and flow with dressing with me and there is dressing for entirely different reasons. Back then it was more or less an erotic experience. . now it is just a part of my personna. But that being said, today, knowing that there are many of us girls in the world..makes it somewhat easier to come clean and come out to our loved ones..MHO

[kathy gg]

Charlotte, I am going to throw in a gg view piont here, hope that is okay.

I think that when two people enter into a long term relationship or marriage that each person brings with them not only what we see, but all that you dont' see. Some would say that past sexual relationships with ex boyfriends and lovers not be worth talking about, but what if one became sterile from an std from an ex lover? Most people would expect someone to disclose something that could lay a role in that a family might not be possible. But fear of judgement, fear of being thought of as 'easy' or fear that this could harm a current relationship might keep a woman from revealing this important peice of information.

Disclosing if one came from an abusive home? Should one share that or not? What about a history of mental health problems, should that be out in the open? There are so many things that make each person the whole human they are at this moment. When does being honest about one's past become necessary to share and when does it become a skelelton in a closet that one day might decide to pop back out.? For all the love and kindness and all things beautiful does not a history erase.

The woman who might have been abused as a child might find herself ten years down the road unable to be have normal sexual relations because she never confronted her abuse issues. Now something that she attepted to hide and conceal can no longer stay tucked away quietly.

Our pasts, our desires, our wants, our deep inner needs have a way of resurfacing just when we think that we have left them in the past and laid then to rest. And that euphoria of a new love and future and that want to please a partner and be everything to them can give us a sense of 'love can concur all'.....but

Our false sense of security believing that we can concur and overcome things which have plagued us for better or worse always seems to reveal in time. It is easy to make promises when you are in love. BUt five years, ten years, twenty.....time has a way of becoming suffocating if that closet it left unaired.

Maybe you have some special willpower or are equipt with something that no other crossdresser has? I dont' know. Surely if the love of a 'good woman' was enough why would we even need so many support places? Because so many cd's before you have tried to quit and many acomplished that for many years. But what resulted was some half exsistence of living, the unnamed need bubbeling to the surface which at some time exploded and needed to be fed. And then came the secretiveness, the downplaying of its importance, and eventually the realization that this was a vital personlatiy trait and something which willpower alone could not be rid of.

I think the key here is not secrecy, not getting rid of this femme self, not thinking that love or willpower will beat this need into submission. I think the key is balance, support, and love. To stifle one's core self day in and day out sounds dreary and miserable in the long term. If something brings you a sense of happiness and joy why try to change that? Why try to crush your femme self. WHy not be honest about your needs. I think if you really did meet a nice girl and things got seriious that sharing all of yourself with her is going to make the long haul alot easier.

Everyone seems to miss the point that wives get mad because they have been left out of the equation which is the 'whole' person. They find out there is almost a whole other side (idenity) they have been living and loving that they dont' even know about. It is crushing to think that you could not be trusted enough and loved enough. So the guy you married had to lie/hide/and decieve you. That is what causes harm, not the dressing. In most cases the dressing is secondary. The bond of trust is usually what causes the biggest damage to the marriage.

I have to concur, if a person cannot accept the whole you, present, past, and future then they are probably not the perfect match.

[nancy58]

Charlotte,

I believe you have the right attitude, but I think you may overestimate your willpower. I've only read a little about crossdressers, but what I have read has been depressing for the ones who want to quit -- which included me until earlier this year. I've read that crossdressers usually return to the practice sooner or later. I guess we need something like Alcoholics Anonymous if we're serious about it. But the thing is, it is generally accepted that recovering alcoholics have to forego alcohol, because consuming it is a trigger to return to the old habits. Since seeing attractive women and/or attractive women's clothing is one of the triggers for me, it would mean I would have to forego enjoying some of the things I enjoy as a man, things that I would enjoy even if I were "normal". So if you're able to turn this on and off, and are willing to turn it off forever once you meet the right woman, I congratulate you and wish you all the best.

I think Kathy GG's post was most in-depth. What women don't want is for you to keep part of yourself secret from them. When you give yourself to your mate, your mate wants -- and deserves -- complete access to your innermost being -- good, bad, or in-between. Those words typically in the marriage vows, about sticking together in sickness and health, richer or poorer, etc., are not -- or should not be -- empty fluff and filler. She gets all of you, and you get all of her. If you hide anything, then she'll wonder what else is being hidden, and the worry of it may well be bigger and uglier than the thing that was hidden. The only secret you should have is what you're getting her for her next birthday.

When I proposed to my wife, she accepted, and then several hours later, she offered me the chance to back out, after she told me some things that had been troubling to her in the past. I didn't know CD-ing was a part of me, and I cannot truthfully say I would have had the courage to tell her, but I know that my wife did the right thing, and I love her all the more for having the courage that I lacked. Thankfully, our love for each other, and some marriage counseling when we hit bumps several years into the marriage, has helped us accept the various stresses that have been imposed on our relationship.

Now, I know I've just been very unfair to you. I've said you should be up-front about your crossdressing to your future mate, when I didn't do that myself. But from everything I've seen, breaking up is harder for married people than unmarried people, and harder still when there are children involved. A marriage license costs under a hundred bucks, most places. Getting a divorce costs hundreds or thousands, and even marriage counseling can be expensive. Be proactive and take preventive measures -- when you are serious about a woman, and before you have announced your engagement to your family and/or friends, get some "marriage counseling" beforehand. Clergymen know this is needed and generally require a little bit of counseling before they will agree to perform a ceremony, but even the good ones may not be able to spend enough time with you, and if the counselor in question is the priest who knew you all through childhood, you may be tempted to hold back from him, so seek out a professional marriage counselor and pay the fees. This is a good time to come out and explain about this and any other quirks you have that may be a problem in the future. In the long run, you'll have a good foundation for your relationship, and when you stand to say "I do", you won't be shaking in fear the way so many grooms or brides do.

I really, truly hope you meet the right woman.

Nancy

[darcyann]

Hello

I know the feeling, me and my soon to be ex are going through this. I told her I dressed and for you all that have read my post she freaked out, and the first thing she ask if I was Gay, for it took me a long time and I told her I was not, and later on I found out I was. So I have talked to many people and most women would not except thier husbands or boyfriends to be CD's. I do still believe if they truely love you that nothing should stop them from dressing, but that is just me.


Love


Darcy Ann

[Tara Beth]

I'm having doubts like Charlotte. If I find "The One" would I scare her away with this little quirk of mine? Granted, if she's "The One" she should accept me as is, but I don't want to take that risk when CDing is really a small part of my life that I could give up. There's this really cute waitress where I live, with whom I've been trying to start something. I can't imagine trying to explain this to her, and keeping a secret this big isn't an option to me either. (We can't all hope to be as lucky as Karren Hutton.) If we were to get serious and I thought she wouldn't accept a CDer I would try my damnedest to turn it off and put it away forever. I believe can live without it.

Of course before the waitress and I get to that point, I'll have to figure out a way to get my stupid mouth to say all the words that are in my clever brain.

[JoannaDees]

I wonder if it is possible to stop? For any reason. I wonder if I could. I always assumed I could/would stop when in a relationship, but I never dressed in the past so had nothing to hide. But now Pandora's box is open.

Perhaps those that plan to quit all of it when finding "the one" should quit now? Test the waters?

[Tara Beth]

I will concede that "saying" and "doing" are two entirely different things.

[ladyfydiana]

Charlotte its you life to do with it what you will.Only you can decide how you want to live it.If CD makes you happy then do it but if you feel that a relationship is more important than go for it.

Diana

[fionablack]

You have to figure out what the best path is for you. I have been living with my wife for nearly three years now. I am so happy with my life and we are starting to talk about having a family.

Prior to meeting my wife I lived alone in my own flat and I cross dressed every day and as much as I could. I loved it so much that i would put off going to bed at night so i could keep my women's clothes on as long as possible and enjoy every lovely second of being dressed.

Since we got serious, moved in together and ultimately got married, I have not cross dressed fully. I will admit that i can count on one hand the few times in the last three years when i was alone in our house and simply could not resist slipping into one of my wives skirts for twenty minutes or so. Although i love all things girly, skirts have alway been my weakness. I love wearing them.

In a nutshell, I decided that the woman of my dreams, and potential future family was a hundred times more important than my need to dress and I decided I would stop. Three years later, I admit i find it difficult. I think about dressing multiple times of every single day and wish I could do it. I still do not regret my decision thus far though.

I am intelligent enough to realise that this may change one day, and i will be unable to stop myself from dressing again, but for the time being, the desire to dress is manageable. I have always had strong will power, and i actually find that something that helps me greatly is that I allow myself to fantasize on pretty much a daily basis about being dressed. As with many things in life, the thought of dressing is almost as powerful and exciting as actually doing it.

At the end of the day, i decided i had to make a choice. My life with my wife, and hopefully kids, or my cross dressing. So far, it has been a difficult choice in many ways, but the correct one.

I do believe that we all have to find the right path for ourselves though. I admire all those girls who have told their partners. They have my utmost respect. I especially envy those who have told their partners, and been accepted and even encouraged. You are truly lucky.

Hope you find the right way for you!

[CharlotteSomers]

Fiona and Tara, you helped describe exactly what I am thinking. Tara, you said it's possible that the love of your like 'might' accept this but you still don't know if it's worth the risk.

Fiona, you, at least at this point in your life, fell that losing your family is definatley not worth the risk. What suprises me is that so many responses here think that losing everything actually [I]is[I] worth the risk of crossdressing.

I can't believe that so many of us girls would rather risk loosing everything for the sake of dressing up. I'm not judging anybody or trying to say that I'm right and everybody that risks it is wrong. I would never presume to say that. At the end of the day, I would just have to ask myself, would I rather dress up like a woman in the privacy of my own home every now and then or would I rather build a long and meaningful relationship with someone who I love. With the divorce rate at 50% or more, most marriages have enough trouble surviving without a burden like this. Love is great, but it's not always easy. Both sides have to make sacrifices. That's what love is. To me, love is summed up by a quote from a move (jack nicholson I think)

"You make me want to be a better man"

[Sarahgurl371]

I agree that hidding it from a spouse is the wrong thing to do. I know from personal experience. Blame it on being young or whatever. I hope that some young person out there reads these posts and can learn from our mistakes. Its always better to be upfront and honest with a SO, before there is too much invested in a relationship. I believe that CDing is a part of me that I cannot deny, so for me my SO's acceptance is pretty important and compromise is essential if she can deal with it at all. I don't know how many times in the last year I've said to her " if I could go back in time and do it again, I would've told you upfront knowing what I know now."

[Penny Dreadful GG]

I am approaching this from the other side of the fence, as it were. I will neither be happy nor contented with anything less than my very own cder/tgurl/transgendered partner. I feel my need to be with such a partner to be as strong as some cders' urge to dress.

To me, the risk of possibly being alone for the rest of my life is outweighed by the ultimately slim chance that I will meet my match. So the search continues. Naturally, I could 'settle' for the easy route. However, it simply will not suffice.

I will echo the sentiments of many in this thread, and reiterate that one's SO must be told as soon as is reasonable. How I could truly love the whole person if I didn't know them? What does it say about what my partner thinks of me if they withold such a crucial part of themselves? What would smart the most is not even being given the opportunity to know and love that side of my partner. Could I love myself if I witheld that much of me from my partner?

There is so much I am struggling to say, and quite poorly at that, that perhaps it is best if I merely leave this as is, rather than muddle on incoherently any longer.

I remain resolute in my albeit often wavering faith that I will somehow overcome!

the warmest of cyber embraces for one and all!

penny

[fionablack]

Losing my family is definitely not worth the risk Charlotte. I agree with Tara that I simply could not imagine concealing what I was doing, nor could i imagine ever telling my wife. The only other option for me was not to do it anymore and not let it interfere with my life

As I said though, merely the thought of doing it is nearly as powerful as actually doing it. I enjoy thinking about it, and this is risk free and harmless.

If you ever find yourself going down the same road as I have, I can recommend a bit of healthy fantasizing about being dressed. It helps me alot.