What am I doing here?

[Casey]

I have to ask the question “what am I doing here?” Seriously, what are we doing here? We are all crossdressers at various stages of involvement and are dealing with how that impacts our lives. I get the impression that a lot of us come here for acceptance and to get a feeling of belonging. I know I come here to try and feel normal about what I do. I come here because I enjoy crossdressing and I just can’t seem to resolve that with the fact that I really don’t like what it is doing to my life. The longer I dress, the more I want to dress and the more it begins to push other things out of my life. I started with very random occurrences of opportunity and progressed to wearing panties. From there it has escalated to bras and lingerie; skirts, dresses and blouses. I have gone shopping for myself with increasing lack of concern for being discovered. We call those success stories, right? I am not so sure. I find myself looking for opportunities to isolate myself from the people I most love; I can’t wait for my wife to leave town or for the kids to go off to school. I fear when they come home; all because I want to dress. When I dress, I hide in the back of the house with the blinds drawn lest someone see me. The fact is I hate the way I look when I get dressed. I would be devastated if anyone, especially my beautiful wife were to ever see me like that. I just like the way it feels and I love the way I feel. Quite the contradiction, wouldn’t you agree? How narcissistic can I get? I am very torn because I truly enjoy Casey, and I am scared to death of what I am doing to myself and those I love. I come here looking for understanding and ideas on how to deal with it. I find support and great people who understand me and my compulsion. How could that be bad, right? I share intimate details of my life with people I don’t know in the hopes that I will be accepted into this virtual community all the while the very real community I live in every day is in danger because I like to dress. All the while, my comfort level with my crossdressing grows and my disregard for its impact diminishes. So again I ask, “What am I doing here? “ I have told my wife about my dressing and have shared that story with you. It did not go well and maybe that is the wakeup call I needed. While I am glad to finally share this part of myself with the woman I love, I hate what it has done to our marriage. I hate the lack of trust. I hate that I hurt her in a way that may not be able to be repaired. I hate that we both now live in fear of tomorrow instead of with excitement for what it will bring. Worst of all is I don’t like who I am becoming. By definition, Casey is a secretive, deceitful loner. She is very relaxed and comfortable, but she lives in the shadows of my life and can never come out into the daylight. Those are not the things I want to be. And that is not how I want to live. So to answer my own question, I do not belong here. I thank each and every one of you that have reached out to me. I thank you for sharing your stories and for sharing mine. This is a very special place for many people, but I must admit, not for me.

[Kate's at home]

Hi Casey,
To respond to your intial question, I'm here to find knowledge, understanding, and support of shared experience. I find this site to be a "safe place" to do that, and to learn from the quite varied "stories" of others here who have been down this road, side trips and all.
There does seem to be an arc of development or progression to the experience of dressing over time, including the understanding and acceptance that goes with it. I have found, and many others here have echoed, the need for honesty, patience, acceptance, and understanding to keep a life balanced and in perspective. And this is true for one's self and in relation to others as we live our lives with them. Obviously, not always easy...
I would gently encourage you to take a deep breath, step back, and ask yourself how you can incorporate this aspect of you safely into your life, setting healthy and responsible limits in this aspect, just as I'm sure you do with the other areas.
If you can keep a balanced perspective (and approach) now, in time this may be able to enrich other areas of your life that you can't imagine now.
I wish you well in (this part) of your journey.
Kate

[Karren H]

I only come here so people can tell me ow pretty I am!! . And is entertaining.. And I like to hear myself talk... Fine.... I have no clue but I keep coming back... And back... And back....

[deebra]

Kate said it extremenly well, your desire to CD isn't going away, if your wife had been accepting and thought it was really cool you would be on an all time high, so take Kate's advise and take it slow and discrete but don't torcher your self by stopping, it would be like trying to live without oxygen.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are not narcissistic ...you are transgendered...you crossdress...this is a fundamental human "variant"...and there are many like you...

there is absolutely nothing wrong with crossdressing...other people not liking it does not make it wrong...

your best bet is to learn everything you can about your feelings, and try to shed all the internal baggage that the world imposes on crossdressing and transsexuality... being honest in your marriage is good thing..your wife doesnt have to like it, but she does have to deal with a man that has your internal feelings..honesty will work this out...if she says crossdress and you are out...then you have to understand these feelings will never go away, and repressing them will only harm you...it doesnt mean you have to indulge them everyday btw...

you are here to communicate and relate to people that share your situation...it's a fundamental need to feel "included"..

[Cynthia Anne]

I gave this some thought after reading it! I'm here for the support! I love helping others! If I can help one person feel better a day then I've made two persons feel better! Living by myself I may go many days without seeing or talking to anyone! So being here helps me from going the rest of the way crazy! I feel like I'm among friends, others that I can relate to! I could rumble on but if I do I may come up with a good reason for being here! Hugs!

[Emily Ann Brown]

I come to hear from friends and be any help I can to younger sisters. I made it you can to!

Em

[Lisa X]

I come here to learn, to share and for support. I remember growing up (before the internet) wondering what is wrong with me. Why do I want to wear woman's clothes and pretend to be a girl. Am I the only person who does this and what does this all mean. The internet provided me the resources to learn about cross dressing and help me figure out who I am. I am a cross dresser and CD will always be a part of me. Yes there are many negative aspects associated with CD, but there are also many positive aspects. I used to see my CD as a curse but I have changed my perspective over the years and see it as a gift now. I hope you can change your perspective and embrace the good parts of CD and accept yourself for who you are.

Lisa,

[TGMarla]

I find the OP to be a very honest and well-articulated assessment of what it's like to be a closet crossdresser. And I could well be in that same situation if I didn't force myself to put away the clothing from time to time in order to make sure that my real life gets the attention it needs and deserves. I don't go out much, and I really don't care to share this part of myself with my friends, neighbors, and my wife. She's not real wild about the fact that I crossdress, so I don't force it upon her. But it makes me into a bit of a loner when I'm dressed, and the inclination to dress is always present. But there are times I need to go out and be with friends, or take care of real life situations that don't allow for being all dressed up. This is where the balance comes in. It's amusing, in a way, that balance is something we have to force upon ourselves, lest the crossdressing take over and dictate the pace of our lives. It can become consuming, and for those of us who protect and guard this little secret part of our lives, it can lead to bad habits of deceit and dishonesty. Then, for those of us who fancy ourselves as good, decent people, this places us in a conundrum where our lives are pulled in two directions that are incongruent with each other.

I don't know that there is any one answer to this, other than to cut down on the dressing in order to actually get out and live life as normally as possible. We are not the ones who place crossdressing in the bad light in which people view it. But we are responsible for leaving it there and doing little or nothing to change the common perspective. Not all of us are gender warriors. We fear that what we stand to lose by outing ourselves is too great a cost to risk by proclaiming ourselves to the outside world. Casey exhibits shame at her crossdressing activities, keeping to back rooms with the curtains drawn. Others boldly get on airplanes and throw such cautions to the wind. All in all, the clothing has little to do with it, as the stigma lies not in the clothing, but in crossing the gender barrier.

Perhaps that is why many of us are here. Here we are accepted for who we are, while the rest of the world taunts us, laughs at us, and pours unwarranted derision upon us for something they don't understand, and don't bother to try to understand. Here we have refuge. Here we are safe. Here we have understanding even when we don't understand ourselves.

[Jenny Doolittle]

HI Casey,

I so understand what you are saying, I had went through many of the same thoughts and struggles you have mentioned. I think the difference between us is that I have accepted who I am and that there is nothing wrong with being who we are as individuals. I found the courage to tell my wife and family and was so surprised to find she already knew and had been waiting to hear it from me. (Yes, there was certainly some long discussions between us, but they just had us grow even closer) I know it is difficult to open up to your loved ones, but isn't that why we love them, because we feel we can trust them.

I wish you the very best. I hope that some time soon you will have the resolve in your life to bring you closer to your wife.

I think the one think that is most important about this room to me is the support we receive and offer to others.

Good luck my dear


Jenny

[BeckyAnderson]

Casey,

We all go through strangely similar thoughts of confusion, self-hate, discovery, acceptance and experiences as we discover this aspect of who we are. I think you will find, over time, that this has always been a part of who you are. Although it is a lengthy read, I think you might find my Bio and Diary of some help to you. It's on my web site Becky's World at: http://home.comcast.net/~iamacd/enter.htm.

I wish you well.

Hugs,
Becky

[NathalieX66]

I agree with Becky.

If society didn't look down on crossdressers and transgender folk, there would be no forums as crossdressers.com

I came on this forum two years ago. It made me figure myself out. I could have gone to a counselor or psychiatrist,but I didn't. Not that I won't....it's just that I'm happily internally.

[Gocaps14]

Casey, I am going through the exact same thing. I am at a point where I am not ready for my dressing to negatively affect my family and marriage, so I keep it to myself. I don't feel ashamed or even all that closeted, its just nobody's business right now. I so wish my wife was supportive and I could share this part of me but that is not my life. So I need to be at a place where, I enjoy what I can, and then be the husband/father part of our family unit. Maybe later I can explore myself more openly, but for now its a part-time thing when I am alone. Not sure what would happen if I got caught. Take stock of what's important to you, and then take appropriate actions.

[TGMarla]

This is a very special place for many people, but I must admit, not for me.

Casey has not been back.

[Debglam]

I thought this was a Crossfit website.

I read some of Karren's posts, threw out all my jeans and bought a dress, and here I am.

Seriously. . .

Debby

[lori m crawford]

i have seen you an you look great

[docrobbysherry]

From YOUR PERSPECTIVE, it could be MUCH WORSE!!!!

I was where u r about 15 years ago. Then, I got separated. (NOT because of CDing). Suddenly, I had the house to MYSELF for days at a time!

I dressed. I shopped. I tried hormone herbs. I dressed some more.
Then, I began to HATE the "man in a dress" I saw in my mirror! Ring any bells yet, Casey? Then, I tried on a mask and suddenly the image of a lovely female appeared in my mirror!

Next came coming out on line here. And, meeting other CDs on line! THAT is the best part! (More about them later!)
Shortly followed by: traveling to CD conventions, meeting other dressers where I live in person, buying a semi full of fem clothing, then female silicone forms and suits, blowing off all my family and old friends to dress and spend time with my NEW friends here!

Sounds HORRIBLE doesn't it? Until u spend time with some of the exceptional folks here, maybe IT IS! And, I may have agreed, until I met some of them in person! And, now?

I WOULDN'T CHANGE A THING I'VE DONE!
And, the same may be in store for U! If you're NOT SO lucky!

[Jeannie]

I only come here so people can tell me ow pretty I am!! . And is entertaining.. And I like to hear myself talk... Fine.... I have no clue but I keep coming back... And back... And back....

Oh come on Karren you know you love us. It's OK you can admit it and besides you know we love you to.

Well first off dear I came here completely by accident now I can't leave, They are holding me hostage in the basement of a Wal Mart in East Pocatello, Idaho guarded by Lupa Lupas, they are mean little *******s. LOL LOL LOL!! After I found this site I found that there was a lot of very good advise on here but one must be extremely careful when it comes to the wife. There is no set in stone rule that applies to everyone. Women are not the same. As for looking in the mirror I see a man in womens clothing looking back at me and that is it. I am not pretty and I am not passable and all of those other things that many here seem to be, but I still like the feeling of dressing in womens clothing. I do know that if my wife suddenly developed a problem with my dressing then it would stop immediately and I would have to deal with it and that I would do for her. It would not be easy for me but it probably has not been easy for her to accept Jeannie and she does it out of love for me. I would stop doing it out of love for her if she asks me to with no regrets or hard feelings. I understand how you feel and I wish you happiness.

[busker]

I have to ask the question “what am I doing here?” Seriously, what are we doing here? We are all crossdressers at various stages of involvement and are dealing with how that impacts our lives. I get the impression that a lot of us come here for acceptance and to get a feeling of belonging. I know I come here to try and feel normal about what I do. I come here because I enjoy crossdressing and I just can’t seem to resolve that with the fact that I really don’t like what it is doing to my life. The longer I dress, the more I want to dress and the more it begins to push other things out of my life. I started with very random occurrences of opportunity and progressed to wearing panties. From there it has escalated to bras and lingerie; skirts, dresses and blouses. I have gone shopping for myself with increasing lack of concern for being discovered. We call those success stories, right? I am not so sure. I find myself looking for opportunities to isolate myself from the people I most love; I can’t wait for my wife to leave town or for the kids to go off to school. I fear when they come home; all because I want to dress. When I dress, I hide in the back of the house with the blinds drawn lest someone see me. The fact is I hate the way I look when I get dressed. I would be devastated if anyone, especially my beautiful wife were to ever see me like that. I just like the way it feels and I love the way I feel. Quite the contradiction, wouldn’t you agree? How narcissistic can I get? I am very torn because I truly enjoy Casey, and I am scared to death of what I am doing to myself and those I love. I come here looking for understanding and ideas on how to deal with it. I find support and great people who understand me and my compulsion. How could that be bad, right? I share intimate details of my life with people I don’t know in the hopes that I will be accepted into this virtual community all the while the very real community I live in every day is in danger because I like to dress. All the while, my comfort level with my crossdressing grows and my disregard for its impact diminishes. So again I ask, “What am I doing here? “ I have told my wife about my dressing and have shared that story with you. It did not go well and maybe that is the wakeup call I needed. While I am glad to finally share this part of myself with the woman I love, I hate what it has done to our marriage. I hate the lack of trust. I hate that I hurt her in a way that may not be able to be repaired. I hate that we both now live in fear of tomorrow instead of with excitement for what it will bring. Worst of all is I don’t like who I am becoming. By definition, Casey is a secretive, deceitful loner. She is very relaxed and comfortable, but she lives in the shadows of my life and can never come out into the daylight. Those are not the things I want to be. And that is not how I want to live. So to answer my own question, I do not belong here. I thank each and every one of you that have reached out to me. I thank you for sharing your stories and for sharing mine. This is a very special place for many people, but I must admit, not for me.

It is actually OK to leave. We do discover some things that are not good for us. For some people it's alcohol, some people it's drugs, etc. While the interest in dressing may never leave you, you can actually NOT DO IT ANY MORE. AA works for many former alcoholics and you can not dress one day at a time if you so desire. It may be hard going for a while but the urge will become less. I used to smoke but now I don't do it anymore. I've never quit--I just don't do it each and every day and the urge is nil now , so it possible to stop dressing if it harms your relationship with your family. If you do come back for a last look at these responses, I do wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

[michelle64]

i think the first step you need is to be honest..seriously-coming here as a means of support i will never understand..first step is hoensty,,hiding this from you wife is only going to make you more miserable..only you can decide and only you know her best..i rarely respond here anymore..only reason i stop by is to read the wacky travels of that wacky tejas traveler we all know...

[Pythos]

I'm here to convey ideas, and get ideas. I am here to get feed back on my styles, and to give feedback for others. I really like some of the discussions, and find commonality with other ones. I do think if crossdressing was not as disdained as it is, this site would not be necessary. But it is.

I am reinforced by seeing there are many like me that don't want to be women, but like the styles. I would like to be able to meet some here in person, and hopefully next monday or so I will.

[Alice B]

Wow! You have hit the nail on the head for most of us as we have gone through the same things. But, the desire is not going to go away no matter how hard you might try. At least here you can find friends, ideas and a place to express yourself, as you have so well done. All I can say is - good luck.

[Elsa]

I do not blame you and I understand where you are. I would like to share you all my feelings, but they will not be different of what Alice B just said. Good luck.