Hi everyone,
Every once in awhile we get a question from one of our GGs that she wishes to post here anonymously. So without further ado, here it is:
Originally Posted by Anonymous GG
EDIT
Folks, the GG in question has requested that I add the following. Note that we are now up to post #12, so anyone answering after that, please keep this in mind:
Last edited by ReineD; 06-03-2011 at 12:24 AM.
Reine
I would not. That would be blatantly disrespectful. My SO has my best interests at heart and if she isn't comfortable there must be a good reason behind that discomfort. If I don't understand the reason she'll explain it.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Nope, the relationship with my wife is more important to me than any other relationship. I would use the statement of her request to dig deeper as to why she felt that way. Hope that helps.
Colleen
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Feeling pretty on the inside.
Would you meet a girlfriend even if your husband was uncomfortable with the idea?
I would call a husband who controlled his wife to that extent a bit over the top.
I suppose the issue is trust -- what the husband would do with that person? Or where they would go?
If trust is the real issue, that is what needs addressing, imo. There are SOB TV's who lie and cheat on their spouses, and there are wives/GF's who are so hostile to the whole thing that they want to imprison their mates.
Either situation is bad. If there's no trust or loyalty, there's not much of a relationship, in my view.
-- Diane
If a person feels the need to socialize then a comfortable environment for all parties should be considered.
It is natural to socialize and natural to worry.
If there was no hope of me ever socializing then yes, i would eventually snap (after years.)
If there was an outlet to socialize, maybe even just hanging out with friends, then no.
Everyone should be made to feel as comfortable as possible.
"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
I don't even let ME (Stephanie) visit me when she doesn't want her to. So why would I visit an outsider?
Respect for each other ( as well as respect for her mean upercut) has helped us make it for 35 years.
It depends on the context. I would think it would be okay to scope out the local CDing club where you have no previous or post history, for example. But, I would not join such a club unless I told my wife, mostly for the same reason I would tell her I joined a photograhy club or something. For an individual, they would have to be accepted by my wife in much the same way any friend would have to be. Overall though, it is trust.... I guess if its anything she wouldn't feel comfortable with you doing with someone else, if she was present, then its off limits.
Chickie
YES I WOULD. Now would I meet that cd for a romantic rendezvous? Absolutely not. That is the key now in'it?
Now an SO limiting their SO in the manner suggested is just way over controlling and as eluded to a man could not control his wife in this way without facing a whole heck of a lot of grief. Those that are saying the marriage is more important than having friends, how much do you like your gilded cage? You marriage should not EVER be threatened by the acquiring of a friend.
"I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.
No. I can't think of anything I'd want to do bad enough that I would ignore her discomfort to do it.
I would never want to intentionally do anything that made my wife uncomfortable. So i would respecet her wishes, and im sure it would work the same for her.
[SIZE="3"]"The Girl with no name now has a name,... Farrah Rose" [/SIZE]
It depends on the circumstances. If it's someone I have chatted to on-line and my wife knows all about it, then yes I would meet but only as friends, nothing else. It's the same way that my wife would not meet up with someone who she just met.
No. I would offer for my SO to come along. If she was still uncomfortable, I would not go. Its not a cage, its respect.
If my wife was about to get herself into a situation where she might be in danger I would certainly let her know that I was uncomfortable with the idea and I believe that my wife would respect that. It has nothing to do with control. Part of trust is understanding that sometimes one of us sees danger in a situation that the other does not. She's my safety net and I am hers.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Yes I would, I don't pick my wifes friends, and I'm not ready for her or anyone else make mine. Now I would never meet for anything other than conversation, and drinks, but that would be the same wither it was a women, or a CD.
Tina B.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
I can see both sides. Meeting another CD would make your SO happy, but you would be uncomfortable. Not meeting another CD would make you comfortable, but your SO would be unhappy. Which is more important? Your comfort or your partners happiness? Unfortunately, either outcome will serve the interest of only one party.
One the one hand, she probably "shouldn't" because it makes you uncomfortable. On the other hand, she probably "could" because you didn't say that she "couldn't."
Assuming the goal is to support and strengthen the relationship bond, not weaken it...
No, I would not go under those circumstances. I would recognize it as an issue that will likely arise again. That would be a flag telling me that the issue needs to be discussed together until my SO & I arrived at some resolution that both of us could live comfortably with.
Both parties bring emotional "baggage" into a relationship. If one or both had some bad experiences in the past, they might be more sensitive to such scenarios. It is not about the way somebody "should or should not be", it is about the way they are. Support is just that, supporting your SO. Whether it "makes sense" to you is irrelevant. The fact that it makes sense to your SO is what matters. You either adapt to the needs of your partner, and support them, or you don't. It depends on how serious you take a relationship, and how long you want it to last.
~You are "all in" or you are not.~
If you want to do things your way all the time you should be single.(or will be eventually if you are married now
So, no...going out in that scenario would not be worth the trade-off, which would be upsetting my SO.
Just my thoughts...
Last edited by eluuzion; 06-03-2011 at 02:52 AM.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
First reaction was to say yes, with reassuring and offering to take the SO with, and go somewhere safe, as many times as it took to get more comfortable (-even if the motivation would be to be able to talk/get support without the SO present, that could be done at a future meeting after a comfort level was reached). But then... it would depend on just how uncomfortable and why. Maybe not that time, or the next, or the one after that, but it couldn't be left like that forever - at least not without talking it properly over and agreeing. So I guess what I'm saying is, there is no absolute yes or no answer, without knowing the full situation and all involved (at the/each time). My advice would be, make sure to tell just how uncomfortable it feels and why, and take it from there.
In my situation I would not go see another Cd if my wife was uncomfortable. If I want my wife to accept my dressing then I think I should cater to her feelings. Some times we just have to be the bigger person. Feelings and sentiment can run strong in this type of relationship.
No, I would not go.
To go would be an act if selfishness.
I agree with Pythos - yes I would go meet them, but certainly not for any kind of romantic rendezvous.
When I told my wife years and years and years (*deep breath*) and years ago, it soon became evident that it wasn't fair to drop such an emotional load on her and then expect that SHE can't speak to anyone and must keep her own emotions, misgivings, and concerns all bottled up. Telling her eased my emotional load at the expense of putting a heavy load on her, and giving her the freedom to speak to others eases that load.
My point is that WE sometimes need to be able to talk to others. WE need to know that we aren't alone and that there are others just like us. After a lifetime of hiding and keeping secrets, it is a wonderful thing to speak to someone who understands where you have been and how you feel. Would I forgo that just because my wife was "uncomfortable" at the idea? Probably not . . .
If it's for sex, absolutely not. But to hang out, or be with a bunch of other ladies for a social gathering I would still do it. And now that I do go out to these functions, the next step is for my wife to come along which we've discussed doing. My
I would because in the end, it's my call what I do and don't do.
My former wife, while supportive, had concerns about where I was going and who I was meeting sometimes. But, I met people all the time who were strangers (or, strange) due to work assignments, accidental encounters, house parties, etc. My wife wasn't my mother, or, my guardian angle (she may be now) and there are points in life everyday where you have to use your own good sense to do what you're doing and get back home safely.
This was about twenty years ago, and I had to put my foot down on going out on my own at all. My sense was that these were outing I needed to make and that would, in the end, turn out to actually be good for us. Rather than resent her for keeping me at home, or, fretting that I was missing out on something, it made more sense to go than to not. Since I handled myself well, and we could talk about how things went, it did turn out to be a positive thing all around.
This all reminds me of people's concerns about someone else going off and "having sex" while crossdressed, etc. A bit ridiculous, the "power" of worry...
First, when you say, "I'll be gone about five hours" what's to keep your spouse from cheating on YOU?
Second, particularly when it comes to gay sex, your odds are much better if you DON'T dress as a woman; women are not their "thing."
Third, a cheater is a cheater - they aren't going to tell you what they're going to do because they lie as part of what they do.
Last, if someone has to have sex, or, wants to try it, they will find a way. (Didn't you?) That there are laws, rules, and boundaries doesn't dictate behavior, it only lets people know what the punishments will be when they get caught. These people who worry needlessly - worry after everything that needs to be said and done, has already been said and done.
If your SO does what you don't like and it turns out to have been as bad as you thought, THEN kick them to the curb. They'll go... because they knew what not to do and did it anyway - and getting kicked to the curb is on them and they know it.
So, to the GG who asked... If you love well, understand that they may be finding their way in life and you'll just have to trust that some things need to be experienced before things can proceed in other areas. My wife used to say, "You can try that... But, if you do "a, b, or, c" just don't come home." Fair enough.
If you're sending your CD off into that big world, prepare them for that world by giving them the words to say, "Nah, my wife wouldn't like that" and hope that's enough to ward off trouble. If it isn't, well, you'll have to deal with it later, just like you do everything else that comes up in life.
First, you have to talk about her feelings of being "uncomfortable." Are they reasonable feelings, or unreasonable? If they are unreasonable feelings, based on irrational imaginings, then I don't think a partner is obliged to shape his life and actions around them. And if these irrational feelings bubble up every time you go out, then (for your own peace of mind) you don't always have to tell her where you're going. Yet feelings, however irrational, must be acknowledged and discussed as part of your fundamental relationship to your SO.
Dawn
No if my SO was uncomfortable with it then I definitely would not go and make the meeting, but my SO only tolerates me dressing, she doesn't partake in it with me so going to a meet against her wishes would send out the wrong message to her in my mind
We talk a lot about our SO being accepting and how great that is. I think this has to be a two way street, If my SO stated that she was uncomfortable with a situation, what ever it maybe, then I would have to respect her thoughts and either try ease her troubled feelings about it , if that did not work, then I would not do it because she has been already accommodating to my dressing. There has to be some give and take not just me me me.
Posting Permissions
