Let me preface this post by saying that I know it doesn’t apply to everyone here. Now then. There’s much talk about passing, meaning that others perceive you as belonging to the gender as which you’re presenting. But I want to talk about a different kind of passing, closer to the meaning historically used by people of color in the US and by gays and lesbians. In other words, passing as “normal”, whatever normal happens to mean in a particular time and place.
It dawned on me this morning that I’ve been successfully passing as a “normal” cisgender man for several decades now. I conceal and suppress those characteristics and interests that might mark me as effeminate, sissy, or whatever. I hide the fact that I identify with women at least as much as I identify with men. In other words, I hide my transgender identity.
I’m not proud of this. But the fact is, it’s not easy to step up and loudly proclaim who and what you are if it’s not particularly socially acceptable. It can get downright hazardous. I learned early on to suppress my feminine interests and mannerisms in order to avoid getting beaten up and ridiculed by my peers, and to gain approval from my parents and other family. Even now I have little protection under the law if someone decides to discriminate against me because of my gender expression.
I’ve found that over time, as I’ve more fully explored my feminine aspect, that I’ve been able to let more of it leak into my male presentation, but it’s not easy for me. I think it’s this pressure to keep my head down and conform that drives me to maintain two separate identities, one trying to pass as a man, the other trying to pass as a woman.
Anyone else feel this way?