Hi everyone. I have an urge to share what is happening to me at the moment... and hopefully some of you can relate to it...
As I mentioned in my first post (Confused, lost & seeking directions...) I have only fairly recently started to get very serious about accepting that I am quite probably transsexual.
Two things seem to have massivly accelerated the process; first I was put on antidepressants (prozac) once my counsellor and GP figured out I was fairly badly depressed. A few weeks ago they really started kicking in - I have felt the grey fog lift, and I suddenly feel able to think more clearly about myself and really want to take control of my future. The other key event was my discovery of the full potential for FFS - I had never really realised what it could do before, and some initial possibilities from virtual FFS (a truly wonderful service) have left me even more encouraged - especially after sharing the results with some close friends.
My world viewpoint has shifted. I have gone from being someone in a depressive pit who could see no hope in my future, to someone who wants to take control of her destiny and become the woman I so badly want to be. I spoke with my counsellor yesterday, and she seemed not only fairly unsurprised with this shift, but also highly supportive (although in no way leading of course) - more than I had expected.
Every day I seem to want to transition more and more. I have already -almost subconsciously- started changing my appearance & behaviour; loosing weight, growing nails, growing my hair, talking more softly, being more "bodily mobile" (hand gestures etc).... This run-away effect is both wonderful and terrifying.
However, despite feeling I want it so badly, I am not without doubts. One thing that has been worrying me for example, is that many people considering transition (here included) seem to be quite different to me - I have mostly lost my desire to cross-dress. It just depresses me now; I cannot forget that it is still "that" face & body behind the clothes and makeup (and I am in no way passable anyway). That said, I want to try and get a more androgenous wardrobe. I was never a serious CD'er to begin with either - I have never even really considered going out in public. As I mentioned, the largest part of my expressing my female personality has been via online envionments (games, MSN etc).
Should I be concerned that I seem to be a bit different in that respect? I seem to fit closely with the "definition" of a late-onset TS from this interesting commentary so perhaps not...
*sighs* at the moment I just want to throw all caution to the wind and transition as fast as possible - even that seem like an eternity from here.
Thank you for listening...
Kate.