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Thread: Lying

  1. #1
    the happy camper
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    Lying

    A lot is being said about lying in some of the other threads, and the popular consensus is that CDs should tell the entire truth about their crossdressing to their SO's before they get married. Is that how it normally works with issues other than CDing? It seems to me that people keep a lot more things hidden from prospective spouses. For example, here are a few things that women typically don't tell men...

    "I'm not really interested in this whole sex thing, but I understand it's what I have to do in order to attract a mate. Just realize that after we get married the frequency is going to drop to about a third of what you consider minimally necessary for your survival."

    "I've had some really bad experiences with men, and you're a man, so that makes you responsible for them."

    "I don't really agree with your stupid political and philosophical beliefs, but I know that men aren't attracted to argumentative women, so I'll just save the details for after we're married."

    "I sometimes poop, and it smells really bad." (Seriously, I've heard of women who won't poop within a mile of their boyfriend.)

    "During my period, I can be as bitchy as I like, and you're supposed to just say 'yes ma'am,' and bring me chocolate."

    "I have no sense of humor and generally hate life until sometime after lunch."

    "I'm maintaining this svelte figure by living on caffeine, air, and a high degree of anxiety. Later, when I feel truly loved, I will relax and start to eat until I'm roughly twice my current size. Then, I'll demand constant affirmation that you love my new figure as much as you ever loved that earlier one."

    And then there are the things that even non-CD men don't tell women...

    "I realize that, logistically speaking, it's not possible for us to have sex every waking moment while we're dating. When we're living in the same house together, though, I expect the frequency to dramatically improve."

    "I masturbate. A lot. Even if we do start having sex more often, I'll probably still find it convenient to masturbate on occasion. I just like it that much."

    "I have done some crazy shit to get off. If you ask me for details, I'm going to lie."

    "I'm a very tolerant, laid back person, except when people disagree with my political and philosophical beliefs."

    "I've had some really bad experiences with women, and you're a woman, so that makes you responsible."

    "I'm at my wittiest and most cheerful first thing in the morning."

    "Yes, your ass is kind of large. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but objectively speaking, it's a little on the big side."

    ----

    So yeah, lying... There are a lot of things you don't find out about your spouse until you've been married for awhile. Crossdressing is just one more item on the list, and it can be dealt with just like the others are.

  2. #2
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    You just described my wife. It was all fun and games in the begining. Now, shes not only the member of the prudes but the president. At one time she was polisung my toe nails and putting bras on me and we'd have a few laughs and now that is sick and gross. Everything is gross.

  3. #3
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    This list IMO exemplifies why so many marriages fail. (Albeit in a funny and amusing way.) Personally I would have no interest in someone that lies, (It's my biggest pet-peeve.) I'd rather be with someone that I can be honest with and is honest with me. I know a lot of people call me an idealist, and think that's unrealistic, but I've been together with my wife for a total of 8 years (including the time we were dating) and to the best of my knowledge there have been no lies. Life's too short for me to have the slightest interest in lying.

  4. #4
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    There are "givens" and there are "Expectations". Many may be blind or ignorant of the "Givens" when they date and marry but they are just part of life in general. Some of these are covered in the dating era, more are covered in the "let's live together" era. Things like bodily functions are givens. Most of us are educated enough now to know that some women have changes during certain times of the month. We are also theoretically smart enough to know that what happens during dating stays in dating (my personal favorite is when a man says "I do" she thinks "Not anymore you won't").

    But when it is something that will greatly affect how you get along things need to be out in the open before you make a commitment. I am all for living together before marriage. Things that fall under the "expectations" category should be addressed. It is expected that men will act and dress like men. Not that I agree with the premise but seems 99% of the world does. It is expected that a marriage will result in children. Again that wasn't in my plan but 99% of the world expects that and if you don't want children, it is probably a good idea to tell your spouse before you tie the knot. You may expect your spouse to have a job or stay home. You may expect you spouse to cook. Things that you expect should be discussed. dressing is in that category. If you expect to be accepted as a TG in the relationship, you should bring that up before teh wedding. Just courtesy in my opinion so that she (or he) doesn't invest a lot to find that their expectations are not going to be part of the deal.

    Stupid things you did growing up are "givens" after all the male chromosome tends to drive stupid things. You don't need to discuss what has passed and won't likely occur again, but that dress in the closet needs some 'splanin' early on.
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  5. #5
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    Uh oh! I'm not going near this one!

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  6. #6
    Member AnnaCalliope's Avatar
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    This is why I dated my SO for almost 4 years, most of that time spent living together, before I proposed. We got to air out all our dirty laundry, figured out each others quirks and personality defects, and realized that we couldn't see our respective futures without the other included.

    Of course, she actually ended up marrying a good friend of mine. But that was after I realized that in order to be truly happy, I had to get on the path to transition, and although we love each other dearly, a pseudo-lesbian relationship is not something either of us is seeking. I still consider her my SO and BFF, regardless of our relationship status.

  7. #7
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    "Lying" is generally frowned upon. However, the truth is that society is unable to function without several forms, types of lying. A few people have brains that make them tell the blunt truth at all times. These people have a very difficult time functioning in society or maintaing relationships.

    The "bad news" is that you can spend many years with and do much talking with a person and still will find out at sometime that all that you believed to be true about this person, is not.
    Hugs, Carole

  8. #8
    Senior Age Member sissystephanie's Avatar
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    I have said it before and will say it again. If you really don't know who you are marrying, you should not get married!! And knowing means not lying, by either party!! I totally disagree with Carole since I very rarely, if ever, tell a lie!! I was raised to always tell the truth, and strive to do so. And I have no problem functioning in society or maintaining relationships. If you spend many years with and do much talking with a person and then find out that what you believed was not true, you did not do a very good job of learning about the person!! Just my opinion, but I think many will agree!!
    Stephanie

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  9. #9
    Momarie GG Momarie's Avatar
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    Spoken like a bitter angry little man.
    Why is this kind of woman/wife bashing allowed on here?
    [SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]

  10. #10
    ADMINISTRATOR Sandra's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sophie86 View Post
    So yeah, lying... There are a lot of things you don't find out about your spouse until you've been married for awhile. Crossdressing is just one more item on the list, and it can be dealt with just like the others are.


    .....and crossdressing is a hell of a lot more serious item than those that you listed.
    Sandra
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  11. #11
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO View Post
    Spoken like a bitter angry little man.
    Why is this kind of woman/wife bashing allowed on here?
    I don't think the OP meant it in any way as "bashing" of the woman/wife. But, I think it does illustrate a problem with many relationships. So often it seems that society has accepted lying as a necessary evil. So many of my friends, and family, and coworkers, and just people I meet in general think it's perfectly okay to lie to their spouse to "protect" them. This is apparently true of men and women. But, where does one cross the line between a little white lie, and something dangerous to the relationship? In my humble opinion there is no such thing as a harmless lie. it alienates the other, and of course they never actually know who the person they are with is.

    A few months ago, I had a conversation with a coworker, who is married. This person, repeatedly has extra-marital affairs with other people. She spent the entire conversation justifying to (I think herself more than to me) how it's completely okay, and understandable. Her justification being that because he didn't know about the affairs it didn't hurt him. The reality is, she obviously doesn't respect her spouse in any way, (and how can you respect someone that is ignorant of your ways?) she developed over time this feeling of pity for her husband. Pity, because she created this idea in her mind that he was simple for not discovering her repeated affairs.

    Ultimately lying, whether they be simple little lies, or (like my example here) big bad ugly ones, all take a toll on a relationship. Eventually it leads to disrespect and sometimes even a complete loathing of the person being lied to. How can anyone honestly say they have a good relationship, if they can't event tell their spouse about their lives? Then we wonder why 60% or so of marriages end in divorce.

    As for the "bluntly" honest people having trouble "functioning" in everyday life, Don't believe it. I have no troubles with functioning in society, or with personal relationships. Having tact means I can be brutally honest without offending the person I'm talking to. It's a skill worth having.

  12. #12
    Former Member
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    This doesn't describe my experience at all. I got pretty much what I expected, and so did she.

  13. #13
    Junior Member Raylene's Avatar
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    I know some are not going to agree with me on this, but I don't think not telling your wife about your crossdressing is lying. Lying is when you are asked a question about something and you do not tell the truth or in some cases there are idiots who tell something that's not true just because they want attention. Alot of crossdressers decide not to tell their so's because they are scared to do so, or they are one of the millon who feel now they are married they will simply quit. We all know now that's not going to happen, but it was a great idea at the time. Had my wife asked me if I was a cd, I would have told her I liked wearing womens clothes. I would have never let crossdressing come between me and my wife and still won't. Yes she knows now. After 30 years of a wonderful marriage and I felt like she loved me enough not to allow the fact that I was a crossdresser destroy our marriage, I told her. She didn't bust at the seams with joy, but she didn't get mad and call me a liar either. We progessed very slowly and now when at home I wear only women clothes. No dresses, high heels, wigs, makeup, etc, but I wear shorts, capris, nice tops and blouses and women shoes. I wear women tennis shoes, jeans and panties, full time regardless were I am. I do not own a pair of men jeans or men's underwear. I'm satisfied with what she allows me to do. If I want to do the makeup, heels and all out full get up, I wait until she is not there and I do it. She always gives me her opinion on something I want to buy because she dresses so nice, and she knows what looks good and what looks tacky, even if I'm only wearing it inside. She just bought me a new tankini with the skirted bottom for when we get in the hot tub. I guess what I'm trying to say, is some people think those who do not tell their SO's everything before marriage is a liar. My wife didn't consider me a liar so I really don't care if some else thinks I'm a liar.

  14. #14
    Isn't Life Grand? AllieSF's Avatar
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    JaimeTG's-SO, I also do not think this is bashing. It is humor and you did see the CD lying examples, right? It seems that the CD's lying is always a topic here for obvious reasons. But make no mistake about it, both sides lie and I would guess that it is pretty much a 50/50 share in most normal relationships. She buys something she doesn't need and says nothing when they are on a tight budget, he does the same. Then we run into the issue of what really is a lie, or are all lies truly bad? White lies, incomplete answers, undisclosed information? Lying to me is defined as not telling the truth. So, when a CD does not tell the spouse or SO about the hidden hobby is that a lie, or a hidden activity. Lies always seem to have such a bad and evil connotation, where something that is undisclosed or hidden is and should be treated differently. If someone asks someone what is bothering you and the other replies, "nothing", that is lying pure and simple when something is bothering that person, or is it? Sometimes both parties, but in my experience mostly woman, expect their male partner to "understand" what is meant by "nothing" and other vague answers. Well, I never was someone who could read between the lines of vague answers, so why should I be expected to "understand" what my partner doesn't say? My partner has the same obligation to clearly and frankly explain/answer a direct question like "What is the matter Hon?" as I do.

  15. #15
    FAB Moderator/ Eryn's GG Mimi's Avatar
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    From reading this forum and from listening to my SO, it would seem that a number of CDers didn't fully realize their needs until well into their marriages. Perhaps at a young age they thought about dressing, experimented with it, and considered it a passing fantasy or phase, or felt so guilty about it they completely submerged their urges for years. I wouldn't expect my SO to divulge this to me before getting married--this is something that would be very personal, and if he thought that he'd "gotten rid" of the desires and would have no more need to dress or think about dressing, then why would he tell me about it? I don't consider it lying or deceitful. When my SO did tell me about the dressing, it was before she joined this forum and before she started purchasing things. I felt unhappy about the fact that she'd been thinking about these things (and occasionally acting on them) before telling me, but I did not feel betrayed or lied to. It was more that I felt bad that she felt guilty and had kept this pain to herself.

  16. #16
    Aspiring Member Philipa Jane's Avatar
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    As one famous character said " Life is like a box of chocolates" Forrest Gump.

    Now IMHO no one tells the whole truth about there little idiosyncrasies let alone things that are a deep dark secret from the get go.
    These are things you find out as you grow as a couple.
    I do agree with the others that some of the things on the list pale in comparison to announcing that you have strong fem tendencies.
    I don't believe that we should have this sort of poor comment thrust upon where it appears to be very critical of your wife, but I will defend your right to say it .
    It did raise some interesting replies though.
    PJ


    Philipa Jane

  17. #17
    New Member tammi ogles's Avatar
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    WOW! I can only wish my SO felt as you do. She let me express myself for a while, but she doesn't. She's aware that I dress, but will not be part of my crossdressing.

    Seems like YOU have a great SO. My wife knows of my tendency to wear women's clothes. She purchases some things with me, but I also have do the full blown works when she's not around.

    Love your dress! May I borrow it?

    I'm in the same marriage. My wife and I used to make-up and dress in lingerie, together. Now, she's VP of the prudes and my femme side is grossly disgusting.
    Last edited by Nigella; 06-05-2011 at 02:41 AM. Reason: Merged consecutive posts

  18. #18
    Aussie girl Tasha McIntyre's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Raylene View Post
    I know some are not going to agree with me on this, but I don't think not telling your wife about your crossdressing is lying
    Whether we like it or not, Raylene speaks the undeniable truth.

    I don't think (and my wife agrees) that the failure to disclose CDing is not a lie, but rather a deception. No question this deceit is deeply significant and may have the same effect as a lie. A play on words you might think, and maybe so, but a lie is when you are asked outright and you reply with an untruth.

    I am one of those who was guilty of not fessing up to my wife when I should have and I do wish I could turn back the sands of time and do things over slightly different. I was deceptive, but definitely not a liar.

    Quote Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO View Post
    Spoken like a bitter angry little man.
    Why is this kind of woman/wife bashing allowed on here?
    Read the entire OP and you'll see genuine examples of both genders concealing possible downsides (and home truths) to their personality, all put in quite a humorous manner.

  19. #19
    Senior Member Kate Lynn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Valerie1973 View Post
    You just described my wife. It was all fun and games in the begining. Now, shes not only the member of the prudes but the president. At one time she was polisung my toe nails and putting bras on me and we'd have a few laughs and now that is sick and gross. Everything is gross.

    I think she describes about 99% of the GG's in the human race.
    Drink up me heartys,yo ho!

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  20. #20
    The Girl will Out! Kaz's Avatar
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    I think... therefore I lie. When will people get there heads around the fact that we do not know what is true and what is not... we interpret... sometimes we get it wrong... this is NOT lying... the only possible extrapolation is that we are all liers... so then it is all about relativity.. i.e. "you are a lier" in my world of whatever I choose to believe as true! One day a lier, the next a prophet... such is life...
    Kaz xx

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  21. #21
    Momarie GG Momarie's Avatar
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    "I sometimes poop, and it smells really bad." (Seriously, I've heard of women who won't poop within a mile of their boyfriend.)

    "During my period, I can be as bitchy as I like, and you're supposed to just say 'yes ma'am,' and bring me chocolate."

    "I have no sense of humor and generally hate life until sometime after lunch."

    "I'm maintaining this svelte figure by living on caffeine, air, and a high degree of anxiety. Later, when I feel truly loved, I will relax and start to eat until I'm roughly twice my current size. Then, I'll demand constant affirmation that you love my new figure as much as you ever loved that earlier one."



    Silly silly me.....
    You are all right of course, this is exactly how all woman are.
    How could I ever read this and think it was bashing women and wives?

    I must have been distracted by the breeze blowing up my skirt on my freshly shaven legs.

    Silly silly women, how could you accuse your man (oops, sorry LADY ) of lying!

    Come on girls fess up, you know all we ever talk about, all we ever think about in our pretty silly heads is how pretty our panties are (Pantie Threads WHOOO-HOOOO ) and who among us has the biggest nipples!

    Sorry, I have to go and shave my back now.
    Toodles!
    [SIZE="4"]Momarie[/SIZE]

  22. #22
    Haydée (pronounced Heidi) silhouette's Avatar
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    If you used to cross dress, and you don't anymore.. I don't think that needs to be brought up.
    It's in the past and that's where it can stay.

    If you're going to actively go around erasing evidence, that's different. Don't you think so?
    Or when they ask you what you did last night, and you start back trying in your thoughts, trying to put together an answer bc you can't actually tell her. that's different too..


    I've been lied to in a relationship. It sucked.. it felt like i got tricked.
    This girl pretended to have a lot of will power.. it gained my respect. She lost all this weight and was working out...

    Well, turns out she was just bulimic! That's not power, it's a disease.
    She tricked me into gaining my respect, and she wasn't the woman that I thought I loved. No, she was just another weak minded bitch like the rest of them.

    Moving on... I tell you one thing I hate.. i hate when ppl get married and then immediately let themselves go.

    Yeah a lot of ppl do it, but I wouldn't stay with someone like that. It's disgusting.
    I understand getting old is one thing, but taking someone for granted is another.

    You know what I don't understand?

    Why would any of you want to be with someone that doesn't accept you, or cross dressers to begin with????
    You come on here, complaining about bigotry, then you go home and sleep with a bigot??? Makes me roll my eyes.

    If someone cannot love and accept me for who I am, then they're not worth my time.
    Maybe I just have some actual self esteem?? I don't understand some of you girls at all
    Last edited by Nigella; 06-05-2011 at 02:43 AM.

  23. #23
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    Ahh, the single life.
    I am not fibbing when I say it is peaceful. No one there razzing me about how I dress, sleep, live, etc.

    I think sometimes, the very act of getting married is a lie. You think you want to spend the rest of your life with this ONE person but sooner or later, people decide they want their lives back. My ex and I both did.

    And yeah people do often BS their way into situations. I mean who among us has not "embellished" a resume or interview to get a job? Who has not polished their appearance or act to get in bed with someone? Who hasn't told their kids "Santa is watching"....

    And with the CD thing - gyod it is NOT that big a deal! First time I told my wife about it, she liked freaked out and was acting like we needed to see a preacher or whatever.. course a few months later when it came up again she was not so weird about it but that is a story for another day...

    Marriage is a bad idea in general. Young men are pressured into it, then when it fails, the state liberally gives the ex wife most of the money, the kids, the house, ex, and the ex husband is expected to pay for a lot of it, depending on his income.
    It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.

  24. #24
    Aspiring Member JulieK1980's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JamieTG's~SO View Post
    and who among us has the biggest nipples!
    "I have nipples Gregg, could you milk me?" -Jack Burns (Meet the Parents)

  25. #25
    Silver Member BRANDYJ's Avatar
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    I think we are sometimes confusing being 100% open about ourselves with what some would call lying. Count me as one of those that thought by getting married my desire to crossdress would go away. WRONG. But throughout my 5 year marriage I kept it hidden and for the most part, repressed. My first wife never knew I was a CD. My second wife was the first person I ever shared that deep dark secret with. She died after 10 good years together. I do not lie to my present SO and never will. I know with her feelings about lying, it would be the end of our relationship. Fortunately, I have no secrets from her.

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