Save the counselling fees. Join a Crossdressing Country Club that has a golf course with only "Red" tees. The Ladies Tees. Also, buy a really good Taser.
Jill, there are some marriages that survive cross-dressing, revealed before or after the wedding vows are exchanged. This site is not representative of the outcomes in society as a whole. This site is a small sample of the general population.
It sounds as if you exceeded the boundaries acceptable by your wife. Counseling may or may not help. If your wife wants you to completely cease and desist, and, you comply, it will not necessarily remedy the problem. Even if you never dress again, she will always have the images of you en femme, real or imaginary, engrained in her mind.
Forget the analogies with golfing. It isn't the same. Everyone is entitled to their separate time and separate interests. Does anyone on this site really expect the same response from a wife of visions of her man playing golf as dressing as a woman? Not, really.
...and this could be the problem. How does she feel about you dressing more, did you talk to her about it?.Originally Posted by jillcutie
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
R.I.P Rianna
well when you do talk to her make sure she knows that when you try to get rid of everything, down the road youll get the erge again and again and you will just be spending more money than before to replace tthe stuff so what would she rather do have u keep the stuff or purge try to stop and fail just to have this happen all over again in the future cause it will . set your boundries when and were and for how long and comprimise dont push it on them and they can be supportive of you even though they dont like it my wife has muttered the same exact words but when she sees something nice , she will ask if i like this or that for my female side , would u be supportive of her if the shoe was on the other foot and she wanted to dress and look like a man, hairy legs and arms and all
This is just a thought, but perhaps you could try this: Tell her that it's impossible for you to quit forever, but that you can quit for a short time while you and her talk and work things out. Name a specific period that you think you could manage, anything from 3-6 months maybe. Stick to the promise while you take some time to focus on your relationship, and get the two of you back on solid ground. Do some special things together, like going away for the weekend, if possible. Towards the end of that time period, talk about what level of crossdressing she can be happy with. Don't negotiate anything so rigid as a contract, but just get a feel for what she is comfortable with, and then try to stay within those bounds. After 3-6 months of crossdressing again, take a one month hiatus to touch base with her and make sure that everything is still good. Make time to do special things together that don't involve you being crossdressed.
I think this will do a couple of things. First, it will show that you're committed to the relationship, and second, it will show that you are not on a continually escalating trajectory of crossdressing that's going to lead to transition or being crossdressed 24/7. Of course, if either of the latter is your ultimate goal, that would be good information for her to have. If not, though, then I think she just needs to know that there is some intermediate level where both of you can be happy.
Jill the change you made is the dressing more frequently. That alone could make her do a 180 about accepting this side of you. Just like Sophie's great analogy, you are playing to much golf and now the wife hates golf! So when your dressing was less frequent, it was OK with your wife. So how often is "dressing more" Is it everyday, every night, all weekend long? My guess is however much it is, it's become to much for your wife. It seems like time to cut back and focus more on your wife's wants and needs. Show her that she is more important then the dressing or is at least as important to you. Just a thought. Hope it works out for you.
If some one had explained it to me like that way back when... I would probably still be married! (Mind, now I don't spend half as much time on the golf cource as I did back then... CDing is far to expensive and now I can't afford the greens fees)You nailed it, Sophie!
Food for thought.
Last edited by sarahNZ; 06-22-2011 at 05:48 AM.
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Sounds like a purge, only involving your hair. A lot of the arguments you had with your SO sound exactly what happens with my wife and I. It's a balancing act for sure, but talking it out and compromise are the best solutions I know of. If the relationship is worth it to you........
IN some rare cases, a wife is totally OK with her husband CD'ing. Reine may be one of those rare ladies.
You did the supposed right thing, you told her before marriage. But now there is some other boundry or something else you didn't do. Where does this end? It is always something the CD did or didn't do. Didn't tell soon enough, dresses too often, takes things too far, broke some unwritten rule...
So you say she might want a divorce but does not want the hassle so here is one avenue -
Find out what the local laws are as far as divorce terms and if you two could do this without an attorney and what your obligations would be under the law. Also be realistic as to what you are willing to give up IF Ontario were to say something crazy like the man has to give up 70% of everything he has to the woman. If you two can do the divorce totally on your own terms, then it might be best to just take a loss. Which is more important, your household junk and money, or your happiness and freedom?
It sounds to me like the divorce has already started. Divorces usually start long before anything is ever filed with the court. First comes the verbal, then the physical and legal (the order of these two may vary).
My experience with this -
My wife was cool with who I was at first. I did tell her after marriage. She slowly rejected it. She said I spent too much time and effort on it. Anyways by the time we divorced, years later, we had a lot of other problems. It was heartbreaking at first that it had come to an end. Thing is, once you divorce and regain your freedom, you won't look back. I told her to take the household junk, I didn't want it, and she could have most of what was left of our healthy tax return after we paid off some mutual things like the lease.
Sometimes when I am having a bad day, or another problem pops up, I will even comfort myself by thinking of the misery I no longer have to deal with that I did when I was married. It is like, "Well at least I don't have to deal with her hypochondria, her complaining, her defending our kid every time he gets kicked out of school, and all our other differences.
Now if CD'ing is the ONLY problem you two face, then I would say see what you can work out but if there are other problems, might be time for a split.
It takes a true Erin to be a pain in the assatar.
In my opinion, this illustrates precisely why it's very important for anyone with gender issues to work them out before getting involved in a serious relationship. And after working out one's gender issues, you need to be totally honest with any potential partners, tell them up front, or ideally, be yourself for the world to see so that you will attract those who like people like you.
Jill, you're turning into someone other than the man that your wife thought she was marrying, and I can't blame her for having trouble with that. You essentially tricked her, assuming that you didn't inform her of the extent of your gender issues prior to getting married.
Another problem in a relationship such as this is that in our society, women get the message from popular media and from those around them to think that it's their duty and right to "fix" their husband. Not all women buy into that, but it's a very common attitude among women to view men as flawed and in need of improving. It's all part of the man/woman BS that is drilled into our collective head when we're growing up. It can cause huge problems in relationships, and not just relationships that involve transgender issues.
Carol
My name is Carol.
Yep. Or fishing. Or any nunmber of activities.
[SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda
Yes, everyone should have all their psychological issues worked out before they get married. Then, in about a 100 yrs when the last human has died, Mother Nature can start over with some new breed of sentient beings.
Really?? So even when a husband tells the wife beforehand that he's a crossdresser, he's still tricking her if he doesn't tell her that in 5-10 years he will want to grow out his hair? C'mon!You essentially tricked her, assuming that you didn't inform her of the extent of your gender issues prior to getting married.
Thanks for your response.
You don't give us a lot of detail, so my response back to you will just be one big guess as to what might be going on and what might help. Also, I am writing in very generic terms here, based on situations I see happening over and over again in other marriages.
First, you need to understand that most GGs don't have it as a goal to marry CDers, and they feel threatened (a better word is "AFRAID") when their husbands want to increasingly live the lifestyle. And depending on how much the husband ramps it up in time, either in terms of changed looks, or frequency, or both, the wife will feel neglected in addition to being scared that she is losing her husband. It is not uncommon for her to begin to see the femme persona as "the other woman" in the relationship, as he wife feels increasingly relegated to second place in her husband's priorities.
All of this happens when there is not a lot of clear communication about the CDing or the husband's goals. If the wife feels as if her husband's life priority is to be femme over and above everything else, then yes, she will feel as if her husband is not the same man she married. It's a delicate balance. Few wives are able to immediately understand that the femme persona has always been there, even when the husband did not express femininity.
Another thing to consider is the "style" of CDing: whether it is just appearing feminine in the same way that ordinary, albeit well dressed GGs do and doing day-to-day things (and keeping an interest in other activities than shopping, grooming, going online or hanging out with other CDers in clubs for example), or if it is a "fetishy" type of approach with a style of clothing that only young women would wear in night clubs.
Also, if the husband changes his look more permanently in guy mode (such as long hair, long nails, plucked eyebrows, complete body shaves in the summer, etc), the wife may feel as if the husband is telling the world that he is a woman internally since he has crossed the line in terms of conventional male appearance and this may reinforce her fear that it is only a question of time before the husband will want to take hormones and transition. It seems to the wife then, that the husband doesn't care at all to be a guy, as that his pride in being a guy has flown out the window. Add to this a husband's attitude during the week that everything he does in guy mode is boring and flat (if he lives to dress on the weekends), and this will reinforce the wife's fears.
You haven't described your full home situation, nor any of the subtle changes in attitude as well as presentation that you've experienced over the years. Maybe the changes have happened so slowly that it is difficult for you to even discern them.
So, I can only guess that your wife is afraid that she is losing her husband. She no longer sees the CDing as something that you do to relieve stress, or a need you have to express yourself occasionally while still thinking of yourself as a guy (and enjoying being that guy) most of the time.
Like I said earlier, the only thing to do is to engage in thorough and honest conversations about your goals, your feelings, and her feelings. If your goal is to go out dressed once in awhile and you want to not appear as a guy in a dress, yet your male identity is still very much present, then it is only a question of educating your wife about what you want and why, and reassure her that you still very much want to be her husband.
If you do need to dress more and more and you dislike yourself as a guy or you feel "flat" as a guy and you are losing interest in the day-to-day things that you and your wife used to do together, then perhaps you need to reevaluate your goals. Perhaps the need to be a man in lessening for you, and if this is true and your wife cannot see herself in a marriage with another woman, then maybe the two of you should go your separate ways. I don't know this since obviously I'm not familiar with your situation, but it is something to think about.
Now ... if your wife has religious or moral objections to even the smallest incidence of femme presentation (while you have established that you do have an interest in being a guy and you do continue to identify as a guy), then it will be difficult for you to CD occasionally and keep your wife happy. In this situation, I can only recommend a marital counselor that will help your wife with the idea that that the two of you are individuals, and that you need the freedom to express yourself occasionally even if she does not participate.
Reine
Crossdressing is a BIG issue in most marriages, and usually a negative factor. We know that gender issues are BIG issues, so yes, it is reasonable to say that we ought to work through them to the point of knowing who we are and what we want before getting married. It's in everyone's best interest. Crossdressing is not a minor thing. It's not like having different tastes in music or some other trivial difference. It's a very big, hairy issue to most people.
You're twisting my words with your example. It all depends on what the couple have agreed on beforehand. Growing one's hair out for crossdressing reasons is a constant reminder to a wife that her husband wants to look female, and may very well be a big deal. And let's face it, hair length probably isn't the main issue. It's probably the straw that broke the camel's back. The OP said that she's gradually increased her dressing over time which may have contributed to making her wife upset. You know how many of us are, give an inch, we take a mile.
Carol
That was a really good summary, Reine. Very fairly stated.
Really? Thanks for the heads up.
I could name some others that are also BIG issues: being bipolar, having obsessive compulsive disorder, having borderline personality disorder, having intimacy issues, having trust issues, having severe sexual hang ups, being co-dependent, having a narcissistic personality, and, umm... what's the scientific name for just generally being a jerk? There seem to be a lot of people who suffer from that one.
You get the point, though, right?
That would be reasonable if we knew that we didn't know. I identified as 100% male when I got married. That little hobby I occasionally indulged was not who I was, as far as I was concerned. (For the record, I still identify as about 80% male, on average. Sometimes it drops lower, but on the whole I'm still a guy.)it is reasonable to say that we ought to work through them to the point of knowing who we are and what we want before getting married.
Trust me, it's small potatoes compared to the issues my father had. There are far worse things than husbands who crossdress. "Anger management issues" sounds like such a polite term, doesn't it? Try living with someone who walks around with a big ball of rage inside him, and very little self-control.It's not like having different tastes in music or some other trivial difference. It's a very big, hairy issue to most people.
My example was drawn from the OP. The word you used was "tricked" which suggests a conscious intention to deceive. Perhaps you would like to withdraw the word though. I won't hold you to it, if it was just a bad word choice.You're twisting my words with your example.
You're taking what I said out of context or perhaps didn't read the whole sentence. I said "You essentially tricked her, assuming that you didn't inform her of the extent of your gender issues prior to getting married." I stand by that statement. It's a qualified statement, and if the OP indeed knew that she had gender issues and did not tell her wife prior to marriage, then yes, in my opinion, she tricked her wife regarding that.
Since MANY marriages have been destroyed due to crossdressing, it is indeed a big issue that should be discussed prior to marriage, if the husband is aware of being a CD at that time. If you don't discover that you have gender issues until after you're married, then there is no deception.
To many wives, having a CD husband is the end of the relationship unless the husband never dresses again, and we know that's not likely. I agree that CD'ing shouldn't be a big issue, but in many marriages, it is one of the biggest problems that the wife can imagine.
Carol
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