Depressed and wondering

[Deedee_tv]

I am a 45 yo crossdresser/transgender/who knows what. I have been married to the woman I love for 22 years. She has always known about me but seldom participates in it. I care deeply for her and my two children (age 19 and 15). I have been on anti-depressants for years and I am a heavy drinker as is my wife. We both have high stress jobs and alcohol and other prescribed drugs seem to hide the reality of our situation.
I have grown tired as has my wife. I hide my feelings and emotions as well as my dressing and desires. I have told her i need help and she has agreed to seek some counseling with me.
Any suggestions on where to start? Do we go to a regular couples counselor or find a gender specialist. I don't know what I want and thus I have no idea where to start. I think about being female all the time but I rarely act on it. However, I have a closet full of womens clothes, shoes and underwear. I am too tall and too big to ever get by as a woman. Is there any help for me and my wife?

Help! deedee

[AKAMichelle]

First stop should be to get help with the drinking and prescribed drugs. Those are just part of the issue, but a darn good place to start. The second stop should be at couples counseling. Your issues sound like everything other than cd'ing so the other items are the ones to work on first. AFter you get some of those things under control then you might find some other items needing help and you should work on those items next.

Good luck to you both.

[Alexiz]

First stop should be to get help with the drinking and prescribed drugs. Those are just part of the issue, but a darn good place to start. The second stop should be at couples counseling. Your issues sound like everything other than cd'ing so the other items are the ones to work on first. AFter you get some of those things under control then you might find some other items needing help and you should work on those items next.

Good luck to you both.

I agree with this. Sometimes, jumping to the root of the issue might not be the best thing to do. Take it apart, step by step, and move on slowly. I really think Michelle had laid this out quite nicely.

Biggest thing you can do throughout this ordeal (so to speak) is to try and be optimistic, and believe that there is going to be a positive ending. There is always an option for help, and you will be able to find the help you seek in time. It may be out of line for me to say this, but don't rush to conclusions and try to think things through rationally.

This is the best I could give to you; I hope you will both figure out what works best!

[Bree-asaurus]

I agree with Michelle... you won't be able to properly deal with the real issues if they're being distorted by drugs or alcohol. I'm transexual and I've been transitioning for over a year. I've had a long history of escaping through drugs and alcohol and I've struggled to stop this during my transition. I haven't always done a good job of this and it has made things far more difficult than they should have been.

Either stop the chemical distractions altogether, or make a resolution to moderate it until you have it under control. Then talk with your wife about how the both of you feel once you have your honest, sober emotions back and find a therapist that deals with gender identity. Try to get references from people who are sympathetic to what you're going through.

I wish the both of you well and let us know how things are going!

[Barbra P]

I told our Family Physician that I wanted some counseling concerning a transgender issue and she referred me to one of the Counselors in her module. I had one two-hour-plus session with the Counselor and she referred me to a Therapist in the Psych Department. Both the Counselor and the Therapist told me that I wasn't having a problem with my cross dressing as I appeared to have accepted it and was comfortable with it. My problem stems from my Wife's problem with it. I will continue to see the Therapist, but not for my cross dressing but rather in dealing with my Wife's attitude. Eventually both the Counselor and the Therapist wnat to see my Wife.

Having said all that, I don't think the cross dressing is your major concern; you seem to have more serious problems to deal with. If you have a Family Doctor talk to him/her and say that you think that you and your Wife are in need of some counseling. I'm sure your Doctor can refer you to someone. If your uncomfortable telling your Doctor that you cross dress then don't say anything about it. The Counselor or Therapist is another story, you need to tell them because they are in a much better position to truly say whether it is a factor. Always be honest and up front with your Counselor or Therapist; they need to know all of the facts and there is nothing you can say that they haven't already heard.

I would seek some help right away, Tuesday wouldn't be too soon.

I wish both you and your Wife well and I hope the two of you can get a handle on these problems. We all feel depressed from time to time, it's part of being human, but depression is a terrible thing to live with day in and day out and that sounds exactly like what you two are doing.

[noeleena]

Hi,

You both need to talk with each other & be up front about every thing . Next can you remove you self from your job or relocate to another dept so as to lessen the stressfull part of your job / life. doing that will help, in you both not needing the drink to deaden the stress,

Being on those meds & drink are not good & both will not help together,

First i would recomend you saee your G P . & talk about the drink & meds start there first, sort those two out ,

Then that will start & clear your minds , then look at details & then look at your dressing side of things .

As a word of warning dont try & sort every thing out at once just slow up & work through the details after , then have a chat with a gender person & go through that step by step.

Your kids need to be a part of this as well so dont leave them out in the cold , because there will be details & things they will need to know .

...noeleena...

[Inna]

Hi Deedee dear,

I am so sorry that life has granted you the same condition we all share here but that is already given. I know how important is being accepted especially by those who are close to our hearts. But, if there is any chance on life, one must accept that they absolutely have to embrace the truth, its the only way!
We then become vulnerable to loss of a friendship and love but must also realise that such love or friendship if lost were really never truly real. If someone loves you, they shall remain loving however tough it may be for them, it all takes time.

I am so glad you have mentioned therapy, you should seek out a gender specialist and start your sessions, but you alone should attend at first. First things first, the most important here is establishing of who, how, and why you are the way you are. Certain answers you already know, some shall come as a surprise, but all of them shall be true. Then when you are ready you wife will join in and become aware of real you and will make a choice weather to keep loving you or, well, I hope it never comes to that possibility.

NEVER SAY NEVER!!!!!!!!!
Why I say that, because I was in the same boat, 217lbs, body builder, manly man, conditioned to become more manly that manly is, all because I had to put on this charade.
Now, 167lbs and counting backwards, thin, curvaceous, with breast approaching B cup, and in the most fantastic time of life. But I had to be born again to get here, pain and sorrow, loss and betrayal filled my heart for a while. Such is our life, on the road to heaven one must pass the gates of hell, but it is all worth it and I would do it again if I had too, this time with smile on my face %,,,,~

I hope

[Aprilrain]

The alcohol and drugs are probably not helping the situation. Though marriage counseling may be necessary, I would seek a gender counselor for yourself.

[Hope]

So it sounds to me like you have 3 issues, all of which need to be addressed, none of which can any one here properly guide you through - you will need a professional's help with all 3. And I would bet that it can be the same professional - as I would BET money that at least 2 of them have a similar root - and even f you only addressed those 2 of the 3 the other would clear up on it's own. But I am not a professional therapist. Hell, I don't even have a decent reputation here.

1) Substance abuse. This has it's root in something else. I always does. You probably know what it is.
2) Gender issues. Welcome to the club.
3) Relationship issues.

Please see a professional. We will support you and guide you the best we can, but you owe it to yourself and to your partner to see a professional. Or two.

My advice to you would be to see some one about the gender issues - and to possibly see someone else about your relationship issues - and see if the chemical dependance doesn't clear it self up after a bit. And if not - you can tackle that when you are ready.

[Eryn]

You wouldn't change a flat tire on your car if the engine were on fire, and that is kind of the situation you're facing at the moment. Work on the life-threatening problems first, namely the alcoholism. After that is under control you may find that the relationship and gender issues aren't nearly so daunting as they appear now.

[CharleneT]

Hope's synopsis is spot on, I'll add only that I believe you need to address the substance abuse issues before anything else. I think it is likely you should do so really soon too, that stuff can cause your life to fall apart quickly. There is no way to clear up the other things, without getting cleaned up. Good luck ! I would say that couples counseling would be a very good idea for starters. A sober view point is a valuable thing when dealing with issues as complex as GID or the like.

[Hope]

So... Let me answer your real question - (Ironically I think I was a bit tipsy last night after 1 beer - the hormones seem to have made me a total lightweight).

There is absolutely help for you and your wife.

So you have agreed to go to therapy - with your wife! SPLENDID. Do that. Yesterday. You will want to see a couples councilor for that... but be aware that there is not much research that has gone into understanding what makes a relationship work - so sometimes couples counseling can be spotty - but just having the opportunity to be open and have honest conversations with your spouse can be helpful - and a therapist can help you with any crummy communication patters you may have fallen into. Somehow the presence of a professional makes getting and staying on topic so much more likely to happen. When I was doing couples counseling I always recommended this text as sort of a work-book for couples:

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principl...9889711&sr=8-1

Gottmann is one of the few folks who has actually done research into what makes a relationship work - and can help put one back together. The guy is bad-ass. At the VERY least - get the book and read it with your wife. It has homework sections for the two of you to do together. That will at least put you on the path of getting your marriage back in order. Which you will need. A healthy marriage can survive transition. Mine has.

If I were looking for a couples counselor and I didn't know someone who could recommend a good therapist I would go to the Gottmann site and look for a Dr. in my area who is a certified Gottmann counselor: http://gottman.com/dl/FindATherapist.html#

Now - about the other thing. Dial the stress level down a bit. You don't have to make any life altering go / no go decisions today. Or ever. There is no wrong way to do this - only the way that is right for you. You don't have to plan any surgery. You don't have to make a decision about hormones. You don't have to come out. You don't even have to commit to a purse, or painting your toe nails. Do what feels right, as it feels right. But it sounds like you want more than you have and you don't know how to proceed...

Find a gender therapist. Ask your couples counselor for a referral, or put "Transgender therapist" and the name of your geographical area into google and you will get a ton of links. Not all of them helpful, but that is google. Narrow the field down to the few that seem most promising and send them an email, or give them a call (Email is easier) tell them how you feel and that you want to explore your transgender issues and figure out what this means to you / for you. Feel free to have a consultation with a few of them. None of them will have the answers - but they will all be able to show you how to find your answers. Which should alert you - if you do find someone with all the answers - that is a HUGE red flag. Go - be honest with your therapist. Figure out what you need to be happy and go from there. Do this. Today if you can. It literally will make all the difference in the world for you.

Now - the part about being too big: I'm calling bullshit. It is an excuse you are using to keep from having to confront the idea that what you really want more than anything is to be a woman. I know. I was there. 3 years ago and every year previous to that. When I started down this path I was 6'2" 255#, with a deep bass voice one of my ex-girlfriends likes to refer to as "radio ready." I'm still 6'2" but I weighed myself a few days ago and I am down to 175. I fit into an 8-12 range - larger on top thanks to my huge ribcage, but even that is shrinking. I am going to voice therapy. You can do it too. If you are willing to do the work - and it IS work - you can do it, regardless of size. We will always be big girls (there are other big girls - I work with a girl who is 6'1" and LOVES nothing more than to wear 4" heels and tower over me - well maybe not tower - but...). We will always be big girls - no 2 ways about that - but we will be GIRLS. If that is what you want.