Lost

[stephanie1000]

having serious issues as of late, have come to the realization that i have wanted to become a women since a very young age, but have been masking my feelings for what i thought my role should be (provider, protector and father to my children). Just recently found out my SO has been lying to me about her feelings towards my CD'ing and failed to let me know that my dressing bothered her. My only issues that i have towards our marriage is that i have 2 children and that they are by far the MOST important thing in my life, in fact wife and i are simply coexisting with one another, no intimacy for nearly 9 months. Checked a Transgendered suicide prevention website and realized i fell under nearly 9 of the 10 symptoms of High risk and frankly scared me to death. At this point my marriage means nothing to me and want nothing to do with her but i would lose my girls if ever left her. Need advice and or solution "I am Lost"

[Karren H]

That's a tough one. I was th product of a divorce (started crossdressing before they split) but I swore that I would never put my kids through that. And sex has never been a big part of our relationship so the lack of intimacy wouldn't bother me. I also would do anything for my kids so I tend lean towards the "keeping the marriage together for the kids sake". but that said I have never been a depressed person at all... so I'd say you really need to seek professional help for your depression and maybe marriage counseling to boot!

[Natalie D]

Exelent advice Karren!

Why do you say you'd lose your girls?

I split with my sons mother when he was 4. Yes it was hard not being there living in the same house. But time is a great healer. My boy is now 21 and we have a fantastic relationship. Its not the end of the world living apart from your kids. Looking back now it was for the best although at the time I wouldn't have said that. You learn to adapt and enjoy your time spent with your kids. As you say your kids are the most important thing

i hope this helps a little

[kimdl93]

I think you need to have some serious conversations with your wife about the future. Living separate lives and enduring a marriage without intimacy - well I suppose its possible, but maybe you can find an alternative that doesn't short change you, your wife or your kids.

[docrobbysherry]

Stephanie, listen to Karren! Don't expect to be able to make rational decisions in your state of mind!

Find an experience, qualified counselor IMMEDIATELY! U've no idea how much help they can be!

Lastly, MANY people stay in loveless, sexless marriages! Some don't even do it for their children! A therapist will help u both find out if u two can, too!

[stephanie1000]

Thank you so much ladies your advice is appreciated, talked with wife and researched some therapists in my area. Wife just says to me do what you want as if it is all my issue that i am the one bringing the walls down around us and right in front of daughter says "So what do you want daddy to do live alone or with us". lol stress is just too much to bare so i will be homeless without kids and seeking counceling (sp). what a wonderful year and life i give up.

[Karren H]

Yeah... All our fault... When my wife found out 4 years ago, we went through some rough times. Lucky our kids were older and she did not want them to know. For me I can not blame my wife one bit because she didn't sign up for this... And after 30 years of marriage she had no clue... So if she would of kicked me out I would have gone... It was close but we just passed our 35th anniversary. So I don't know.... Maybe its better for her to keep the one she has with all my baggage than it is to start over? I wonder some time. But the love is still there in my case... I still get everything blamed on my genetics once in a while. Like a vent or a dump of all the pressure ion my secret put on her shoulders and I take it like a man! Lol. But I truly hope you can work things out...

[SuzanneBender]

Dear giving up is not an option. Find a therapist now and stop hanging your self worth on your wife's acceptance of you.

Seperation and divorce does not mean you will loose your children. I have a daughter by a previous marriage. We are a significant part of each others life. In fact, I think I was a better parent to her then if I had not been divorced. Clouds do have silver linings but you have to find them and that cetainly wont happen if you give up.

Hang in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[JustWendy]

I think a marriage without sex can still succeed as long as it's not an issue for either partner, but there still needs to be a caring, loving relationship. One day three years ago, my wife said to me, "If I'm going to feel this alone, I might as well be alone." We had grown distant for reasons that went beyond crossdressing. I felt totally disconnected for awhile, living in long-term hotels for the first couple of months. I was also unemployed. Eventually I found a job and was able to rent a furnished apartment. After a year, I put the minimum amount down and bought a small condo, which I share at least part-time with both my children. No matter how bleak today is, it doesn't have to predict tomorrow. I hope your research will lead to a good therapist who can help you through this.

Wendy

[Cynthia Anne]

I respect the fact that you are thinking of your kids first! I'm sure there will be rough times for you! I think you are on the right tract for asking for advice and or a solution! A solution is never easy! But the great advice from Karen and others is free! Hopeing the best for you! Hugs!

[stephanie1000]

Thank you ladies for your sound advice, 1 i am moving out and 2 i just recieved my counceltation with a therapist i go in tomarrow love you all and always know that i can depend on you all for love and support, you all are wonderful Thank you.

[Natalie D]

Well best of luck with the therapist. I think its the right way for you to go and let us know how it goes.

[GingerLeigh]

Keeping the marriage together for the sake of the kids is a mistake. Your kids ARE the most important thing in your life. I put mine in front of all my needs. Unfortunately CDing is not a need I can ignore so I live with this threat of discovery hanging over me. I love my wife, but if my crossdressing became a sticky issue, I would not think twice about calling it quits to save the kids. A hostile home is no home at all.

Suicide? Well, that's a no-brainer. Seriously you should be scared. If you start thinking about it, remember that your kids need you alive no matter what you're wearing or what is between your legs. You need to transition? Do it. Yeah sure your family will go through some tough times with your decision, but that's nothing compared to attending your funeral. STOP and get help. Once you start on that path you are in need of intervention from a professional, it is difficult to get out of that mindset alone.

We all NEED to do what we do, it is not a choice. Don't fault yourself, do what you have to do but be there for your kids NO MATTER WHAT! Better to have two moms than a single one, remember that.

Ginger

[CaitlynRenee]

Hmmmm............... I've known kids whose parent stayed together for their sake and who made their kids lives totally miserable. Sometimes lack of intimacy can be due to work, age (the big 'M'), or another person. MY SO has known since the beginning and has been supportive though not too active in my CDing. My youngest daughter is TG and BI so is in full support. We both know her mother's lack of interest in intimacy is due to not only the big 'M', but to being up at 4 a.m. and working 12-14 hour days as a matter of course. She's just too damn tired for much else but eating and sleeping and working. Being Type II diabetic is another factor to be considered. Is it hard on me?? Oh yeah, but it's probably equally as hard on my SO. Just for different reasons.

ME, I've always been extremely active in the intimacy arena, and find it hard to NOT look at good looking folks. Never stepped out though, not even when 'it' was within arms reach and 'it' was more than willing. What to do?? A lot of intimacy can be had just from being near another and talking together about shared dreams and ideas, wants, needs and desires.

As for the physical gratification we all need, it can be awfully hard to be denied or to have to do without. Rejection is bitter fruit.

[TG-Taru]

Ah, it's most been said and things are happening I see.

Just adding a bit from personal experience.

My parents divorced and moved apart when I was young. I didn't know or understand everything going on at the time, it took some years before they did finally split. I was old enough to not even think about "forcing" them to stay together for my sake though. And it would have been better if they had faced their situation, come to terms and have gone their separate ways sooner without dragging it out and generating more bad feelings. Because I wasn't aware of the whys I resented my mother for a time, and still get very easily annoyed with her for small, meaningless things really. Other people too for the same things. I guess I got the dislike from that time. I do actually like her though ever since I found out more about what had happened, like her better as a person than my father. I'm fine with him too though. I didn't see his faults back then, but he's gotten better as well. When they moved apart I stayed with mom, mainly because dad moved further away from the town, not because there was any problem with me and either of the parents. Still see him weekly. My brother and his one time spouse are also separated, on good terms, and my niece spends weekends and some random days with him. Don't see real problems there.

So I see you are separating. Doesn't have to mean losing the kids, quite possibly will work out better.

One household with bad athmosphere is worse for the kids (and everyone) than two separate ones with a happier parent. As long as the kids know it's not because of them, between the parents (and, possibly, not their fault either), and what's best for all.

Good luck.

[TGMarla]

I agree that professional help is in order here, more for your own well-being than for your marriage. I'd say that despite the fact that you have realized that you've wanted to be a woman most of your life, your primary responsibility is for your children. They should become the primary motivator for any actions you take. Sometimes, in order to come to grips with transgenderism, one needs to find a focus. Your choice is to redirect that focus either towards your family, or towards yourself. If you choose yourself, you'll lose your wife, and risk losing your children, but perhaps gain the womanhood you've always desired. If you choose the children, you'll always lament not having chosen womanhood, and may still lose your wife, but you'll get the reward of many happy moments with your kids, and spare yourself the potential pain and misery of transition.

You should also consider that saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. If you decide to transition, you may well find that it is not what you hoped it would be. And there will be no going back. I don't know the ages of your two children, but transitioning might be something they cannot grasp or get their minds around. You could also consider divorcing your wife on your own terms, taking charge of the situation, and demanding partial custody of the children. Many couples resort to this. It is unfortunate for the children, but sometimes necessary for the sake of the failed couple.

Any path you choose, you need to take control of your situation, make a decision, and abide by it. Take the weight off your shoulders and thus stop allowing it to heap misery upon you. There are many blessings in your life you cannot see or enjoy simply because your transgender issues are crowding them out.

[Gaby2]

Keep on going Stephanie!
The therapy should help to stabilise you and isolate your difficulties with the situation.
That (and moving out) should give both you and your wife a little more breathing-space.
Thanks for sharing and keep posting, Gaby

[docrobbysherry]

So I see you are separating. Doesn't have to mean losing the kids, quite possibly will work out better.

One household with bad athmosphere is worse for the kids (and everyone) than two separate ones with a happier parent. As long as the kids know it's not because of them, between the parents (and, possibly, not their fault either), and what's best for all.
Good luck.

This was SO TRU in my case! As soon as my ex and I separated, we immediately starting getting along BETTER! To the benefit of our KIDS, mostly!

--------------- And after 30 years of marriage she had no clue... So if she would of kicked me out I would have gone... It was close but we just passed our 35th anniversary. ---------------

U R INCREDIBLE, Karren! ANYONE that can stay with and still care for their partner after all that time, I have ultimate respect for!
It goes WAY beyond the issue of dressing to accomplish what u and your SO have!