When do you say enough is enough

[SweetIonis]

I was thinking about the thread where someone said they had been dressing for 35 years but had to now stop because of their SO.

To me it brings to mind a good question. Is there a point, if you are involved with a GG gf or spouse, where you have to say you just can't go further in the relationship if it means having to give up the feminine part of your life?

I mean if you can give it up fine. That's great. But if being a girl and being pretty and feminine has become so much a part of your life that it creates a substantial psychological trauma, wouldn't that be grounds to say enough is enough, the relationship has to end?

What are your thoughts?

[Karren H]

I haven't successfully quit the last 5 decades so I doubt I would be able the next 5... But if my wife said stop I would try. To me being feminine isn't my whole life!! Not even a big part. There so much more to mine then just that.... Now don't even contemplate asking me to give up ice hockey for my wife!!! I'd help her pack her bags before that's going to happen! Lol.

[Stephanie-L]

I went to counselling for this very issue. The counseller said that to be truely happy I would need a divorce, that was 4 years ago and I am still married, but the thought is in the back of my mind..........Stephanie

[Intertwined]

To me being feminine isn't my whole life!! Not even a big part. There so much more to mine then just that....

WOW, Karen, impressive... it is not my whole life either, but, it is very much a part of who I am, getting rid of Marsha, would be like killing a part of myself, and even tho my wife, who tolerates my Gender Expression, she agrees, some of my better qualities come from my feminine half.

[Stephanie47]

I'm in the Karen camp. Being en femme is a small part of my life. If my wife of forty years were to go from a DADT relationship on cross-dressing and demand that I purge/stop/cease all cross-dressing, I would walk. Why? Because over forty years I have conceded every other part of our lives. We live where see wanted (3,000 miles from my stomping grounds) and effectively did in my employment aspirations; the church we attended; the house we live in;etc. Those concessions did not affect my inner self. For one spouse to demand a total concession from the other is absolutely wrong. My cross-dressing is on my private time. I do not put it in her face, either.

[Intertwined]

I do not put it in her face, either.

Good for you... I have made that mistake...

[docrobbysherry]

If u intend to go out presenting as a woman or living as one, u probably will not compromise.

On the other hand, if u r a part time/closet dresser and it gives u great satisfaction and pleasure? Why should u have to give it up if it DOESN'T interfere with your family and work?

Would u give up model trains or golf on the say so of your SO, if u got the same enjoyment from them?
While there is an arguable difference between dressing and other hobbies, unless it causes a lifestyle change, MUCH of the difference is in your SO's mind!

[Kate Simmons]

It is really a judgment call by each individual Hon. I guess it depends on what is more important to said individual and whether it is a choice to CD or a compulsion has to be brought into overall consideration as well. I personally have made it a total choice of whether to do it or not but my life per se does not depend on dressing one way or the other but more so on who I am as a full spectrum person.

[Raychel]

I would hope that my So would be more important then my CDing. I am fortunate enough that my wife accept this as part of me. I am not sure that she would ever put me in that position. I would hope not, But if at some point she did feel that uncomfortable with it. I would hope that she would tell me, and I would alos hope that we could come to an aggreement that we could both be happy with.

[Cynthia Anne]

Dressing isn't my whole life either! With the choice of give it up or! I am still dressing! Been divorce for 24 years!

[SweetIonis]

I haven't successfully quit the last 5 decades so I doubt I would be able the next 5... But if my wife said stop I would try. To me being feminine isn't my whole life!! Not even a big part. There so much more to mine then just that.... Now don't even contemplate asking me to give up ice hockey for my wife!!! I'd help her pack her bags before that's going to happen! Lol.

I suppose the question is what if she asked you to stop and you tried. Furthermore let's assume that you tried and it was inflicting some substantial psychological conflict. The question is this, do you think that would be sufficient grounds to end the relationship?

[Inna]

It took me 43 years to come to the reveal. About a year previous to that I almost didn't make it and afterwards decided enough is enough. Knowing what I do now, that once you are a transgender person you cannot turn this feeling off, all you can do is apply more pain in already tormented life and that doesn't seem like the answer.

So for me definitely 43 years - 7 years of being just a kid = 36 years of pain and suffering was the boiling point!

[Sara Jessica]

I keep wondering when she is going to say "enough is enough" about me.

[Barbra P]

I’m sort of in that boat right now, my Wife hasn’t told me that I must stop or else, but she isn’t supportive, most of the time, and obviously not happy when I do. But I’m 67 and I have been cross dressing since High School and I have tried in the past to quit without much success. I don’t really have any hobbies anymore, don’t spend my weekends playing golf or fishing, pretty much spend 24/7 with my Wife – something both of my Therapists have told me is not really healthy or in my best interest.

I’ve been told by two Therapists that they seriously doubt that I would survive very long if I tried to stop. Both told me to find some CD’ing friends and go shopping, out to lunch, or just for coffee or a glass of wine – go enjoy being a woman out for a day with the girls and the girl talk that that entails. Currently I don’t have any girl friends that I can do that with, other than my Daughter who wants to go shopping with me this week. Both Therapists feel that my feminine side is far too ingrained for me to ignore and that if I’m to survive I will have to continue to cross dress and live out my fantasy of being a girl part of the time. She surprised me when she told me that I would be happiest if I transitioned but realizes that is impossible financially even with the help that my health plan will cover and she hopes that cross dressing will sufficient.

[Tara D. Rose]

Well if mine gave me such an ultimatum, then she'd have to go. For I can get another wife. They're dime a dozen. You meet them, they lie to you, pretend to be all that they are not, after marriage, they cheat on you ,then you divorce. But my crossdressing, well, becoming Tara is here to stay, regardless of almost anything else. And like the insurance guy on TV, well that's my stand what's yours? But actually there is a long story behind all of this, maybe one day I'll make a thread about it.

[carhill2mn]

"Ultimates" are a big problem. At least one of the parties is going to be disappointed, upset, frustrated, irritated, etc. plus probable changes in the dynamics of feelings in the relationship. Many factors have to be considered before deciding what is the best way forward. Of the responses so far, one can see that the depth of feelings varies. Any decision will be a compromise and the parties involved must determine "cost vs. benefit" of any decision.

The simple answer is that there is no simple answer.

[SweetIonis]

Well I agree, there doesn't seem to be an easy answer to the predicament as framed. It could be framed many ways.

[NicoleScott]

I would hope that my So would be more important then my CDing.

Let's turn it around. If your wife disapproved of your cd-ing, would that be more important to her than you (and your marraige)?
Could/would she give that up for you?
Rule of thumb about ultimatums: don't give people choices you don't want them to take.

[Kerrylee61]

I’m sort of in that boat right now, my Wife hasn’t told me that I must stop or else, but she isn’t supportive, most of the time, and obviously not happy when I do. But I’m 67 and I have been cross dressing since High School and I have tried in the past to quit without much success. I don’t really have any hobbies anymore, don’t spend my weekends playing golf or fishing, pretty much spend 24/7 with my Wife – something both of my Therapists have told me is not really healthy or in my best interest.

I’ve been told by two Therapists that they seriously doubt that I would survive very long if I tried to stop. Both told me to find some CD’ing friends and go shopping, out to lunch, or just for coffee or a glass of wine – go enjoy being a woman out for a day with the girls and the girl talk that that entails. Currently I don’t have any girl friends that I can do that with, other than my Daughter who wants to go shopping with me this week. Both Therapists feel that my feminine side is far too ingrained for me to ignore and that if I’m to survive I will have to continue to cross dress and live out my fantasy of being a girl part of the time. She surprised me when she told me that I would be happiest if I transitioned but realizes that is impossible financially even with the help that my health plan will cover and she hopes that cross dressing will sufficient.

When the heck did I move to FL? Sounds like me and my wife's situation to the Tee. Over the last 8 years or so, she started to seem to be just ok as opposed to being fine with going out together etc. Now it's just ok at home, no letting the new neighbors see Kerry, no going outside in the yard. It's still sort of ok for me to sneak out alone, after dark (11 pm up here at this time of the year). Anyway I've sent my whole life hating the body I was blessed with and nothing will change until I'm in the old furnace.

Just the way it is...

Hugs
Kerry

[Dawn cd]

Tara said: "I can get another wife. They're dime a dozen. You meet them, they lie to you, pretend to be all that they are not, after marriage, they cheat on you ,then you divorce."

Misogynism anyone? Tara, that statement is unworthy of this forum and probably unworthy of you. You aren't angry by any chance, are you?

[sissystephanie]

Fairly early in my marriage, I did completely stop crossdressing! After 5 years, my wife(now late wife), who knew I was a CD when we married, begged me to start dressing again! She missed Stephanie in her life's activities!! Of course, I did start again! But as Karren said so well, being feminine is not my whole life!! In fact, since my dear late wife is no longer around to do my makeup I no longer even try to really look feminine! Sure I wear the clothes, but look like a man! And I have told both my children and my GG friend that I would stop completely if they asked me to!! I know that I can do it!!

Tara, I have to disagree with you in a big way. My late wife and I had almost 50 years of a very happy life together. I have only found one other woman that would come even close to her, and she is already happily married. You just have to be a little choosy in picking women!!

[SweetIonis]

Misogynism anyone? Tara, that statement is unworthy of this forum and probably unworthy of you. You aren't angry by any chance, are you?

Perhaps I am not aware of the relationship you have to the poster, but as far as I can tell, I don't think what was said was so extreme that it merited publicly making someone feel guilty for saying that. It was heavy, but I don't think that was an expression of an extreme amount of animosity. I think your response could have been gentler.

That's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[Ericka2]

Amen to that! After so many years of pretending I'm at a point where I told my wife that I needed to move on and make some serious decisions, now we are separated and in our way to a divorce, I'm not too happy about it since I love her dearly but I could not longer hang on to someone so sweet not knowing the outcome.
At least now she can be free and find someone with no so many issues...

Love, Ericka.

[Melanie R]

After 18 years of marriage, my first wife gave me the ultimatum give up the dressing or the marriage I walked away and she got the divorce I then met my second wife who has accepted Melanie unconditionally for 31 years. 4 years after my second wife and I married my first wife told me how much she missed Melanie and how divorcing me was the biggest mistake of her life. 2 weeks later she died of a heart attack according to our daughters heart broken.

[Kate Simmons]

I suppose one more point to consider is if the CDing itself takes on a life of it's own(which it can and will if left go) who is really in control, yourself or the premise of the CDing?I do not think CDing of itself is grounds to end a relationship though, unless by mutual consent of both parties involved.