I go - as many here seem to do - through varying phases of crossdressing and fantasies. I sometimes fantasize about living my life as a woman.
As this is something that comes and goes I tend to look at myself in a more abstract fashion when I think about it. Here is what recently struck me as a possibly significant clue (on the never ending road to understanding what the nature of my urges is):

I never fantasize about living as a woman in the circle of my friends or my family. I picture myself as a woman at the workplace. "Being treated" as a woman and other such tropes - in my mind they always take place in the world of work and buying/shopping situations (and not to forget my sexual fantasies, but they have no real context at all).

So what I am beginning to wonder is - is this an urge that lives in the business world that has so successfully sucked up my life since I left my parents 25 years ago? Is it a fantasy that - to but it bluntly - is based on the self-misunderstanding as a being that is defined in all respects - as Marx said in the communist manifesto - by means of economical relationships?

I do hope my writing is not too weird here: What I mean is: Is being a transwoman a dream that someone has when he is among his friends? Well, I for one have not. I have it when I am absorbed in actions and relations that are all defined by their economic nature. So I fantasize to be a woman. I would be a woman at the post office, at the hair dresser, and while shopping. On airplanes in buses, in the cinema. But I do not fantasize to be a woman when I am having a coffee with my oldest buddy or when I am playing catch with cousin's son.

Does someone get what I mean? I mean: Is it a result of the fact that my life has been emptied and exchanged for a complete set of duties, actions and transactions none of which mirror my character in any way but all of which reduce me to an economical factor.

Buh. Sorry for that neo-marxist rant. It probably reads like a madman's rambling.

Lilli