Why am I not happy with myself?

[Danni Renee]

[SIZE="3"][/SIZE]Well it is that time again for me – time to pack everything I own and move to a new location. In the Army we do this about every 1-2 years but thankfully that means it is time for me to leave Korea and return to the states. I am spending this weekend cleaning and packing all of my various household items. After cleaning the kitchen I started packing my clothes. The first items of clothing I packed are all my male clothes – I figure I wear those the least now so I can pack them neatly and I will not have to unpack them for a while. As I am packing the various t-shirts, pullovers, football jerseys, ties, and such I became very reflective. I found my clothes to be very manly, something nice and appropriate for my age and profession and it made me very unhappy.

After reflecting some more I figured out what made me so unhappy was the fact I make a good man. I take care of my family the way a father should. I have a manly job, I work hard, and I am successful. I enjoy football and many of the lesser sports (defined as any sport other than football). I am an avid outdoorsman – I love fishing, hunting, hiking, and mountain biking. Being from West Virginia I can in fact skin a buck and run a trot line and this country boy can survive. I asked my girlfriend about this (she knows and supports my dressing) and she thinks I am an awesome man, a manly man (her exact words).

So why can I not be happy being the man I am. Why can I not accept that I am a man and throw this other side of me to the curb? My girlfriend asked me if I have ever been happy being a man and the answer is no, I have not. I play the part well but that is all I am doing – an actor in my own life pretending to be something I am not. But like a good character actor I have been type cast and I cannot break free.

I enjoy my feminine side so much more but I am so poor at playing that part – so inexperienced and so lacking in depth. But it is the part I am dying to play and I just hope I get better with practice. I just want to be the girl that I know lives inside me.[/SIZE]

[Tammy V]

It sounds like you can/do have the best of both worlds! Enjoy.

[Debglam]

[SIZE="3"][/SIZE]So why can I not be happy being the man I am. Why can I not accept that I am a man and throw this other side of me to the curb? My girlfriend asked me if I have ever been happy being a man and the answer is no, I have not. I play the part well but that is all I am doing – an actor in my own life pretending to be something I am not. But like a good character actor I have been type cast and I cannot break free.

I enjoy my feminine side so much more but I am so poor at playing that part – so inexperienced and so lacking in depth. But it is the part I am dying to play and I just hope I get better with practice. I just want to be the girl that I know lives inside me.[/SIZE]

Ah, the joys of PCS'ing. First of all, I hope the move goes smoothly and they only break or steal a mimimum of your stuff.

As to the second part. . . Danni - I've been there and done that!

For what my opinion is worth, happiness comes when we stop resisting and embrace the feminine side that we have. We (I) spend a lifetime denying this side of ourselves, fighting it, burying it. . .it is exhausting. Finally stopping, turning around and embracing Debby was like finally taking a large ALICE pack filled with rocks off of my back after humping it for a lifetime. I feel so much lighter in both body and spirit, happier, etc. And forget about dressing. I think of all the little pleasures that I denied myself because they weren't "macho." It is ridiculous and such a waste.

Not that trying to blend a male and female persona together is any easy task but it certainly, at least for me, seems a lot better than living my life caring what some other shmoes think!

Good luck,
Debby

[Karren H]

I think you need to work at being happy as yourself and don't worry about whether what you do is manly or feminine. As long as you enjoy doing it. That's my outlook on life and its served me well so far.

[Intertwined]

Just be happy with who & what you are.

I don't believe anyones "Gender Identity" is 100% masculine or feminine, ie. a "Gender Binary".

Part of what makes you the good person you are, is your masculine & feminine traits, even though you may not be outwardly expressing your feminine side at the time.

[Lady_Chaos]

I know it takes time to really be who we want to be. Do what you think is best for you! You look at your male clothes and know what kind of man you are, but it sounds as you are empty with it. Your feminine side brightens your mood, let it take its path and grow with the speed you are comfortable with.
I know I am still fairly young and I know I want to be myself more. I know it is hard, it is a battle we are fighting for; a cause we all believe in. I am still unsure about some of the things I do but someday I won't care, someday you won't care how others see you. One day all of us can walk out of our doors wearing that pretty outfit we love so much and be proud about it! Keep fighting to be your best regardless if it is in pants or a dress! Just look at your signature, you can be free to be you, this is your life smile about it and be proud! Smiling helps a lot!

[Angiemead12]

I am searching as well for happiness, as a man I have manged to find it but as a transgendered I am yet to see my purpose. I told the counselor that looking great and going out is a lot of fun but what is next after that? What should I do with my new found life? Im still looking for the answer to that, in the mean time I have to develop my character and personality to make sure Im ready to face the challenges ahead.

[morgan51]

I can so relate I have just tried to follow my heart and see where I land. Its all good just a little confusing a councilor really helped bring it into perspective for me try it perhaps you can get so good guidance/perspective. Best luck to you and thanks for your service!

[JamieTG]

Danni I feel the same way. Sometimes I become very upset and depressed because in the last 10 years I let the man I was completely slip away. For most of my life I was a masculine man who had a lingerie fetish but still felt and acted manly. I used to have many guy friends and enjoyed being one of the guys. My inner feelings and desires started changing and I felt less and less comfortable in my masculine body. Now I feel guilty that I decided to let my feminine side out and free to blossom. I wasn't strong enough to fight it off and stay the way I was. For you, packing these manly clothes that you used to wear triggered some guilt. What triggers it for me is seeing old pictures of myself as a muscular, masculine man. Maybe I should have fought those inner feelings harder. Try not to beat yourself up as much as I do and good luck on your move.

[sissystephanie]

Danni,

You are a man, and unless you have SRS surgery you will always be a man. Saying you are just acting the part is a copout! I have been a CD maybe longer than you have been alive, but I am still the man that I was born! Sure, I love to be in feminine clothes, but that does not mean that I am no longer a man. I have no desire to actually be a woman, and never have had!!

What you really need to do is what Karren said so well! Learn to be yourself, and enjoy being yourself. You are a man, but like the rest of us you have a strong feminine side. Enjoy it, as it makes you a better man!! Good luck in your new posting!

[Debb]

Hi Danni,

I have had the same doubts and unhappiness. Like you, I had a military job that was quite "manly", and I always fell into manly roles easily and readily. I always, too, felt it was an act... that some day, I'd exit stage left and become the real me.

Like you, I am disappointed to be a man. Although I am terrible at being a girl (at least, in stereotypical girly ways), it feels normal.

Honestly, I don't think you need to look at it as if it's so black and white. C'mon over to the gray side, there's plenty of room as they say. Girls can do the same things men can do -- yeah, not exactly true in the military, but they're physically able, just not allowed.

Be proud of being a good soldier. Be proud of being a good dad. Be proud of doing so many things well -- a lot of people never get to say that about a lot of things. Take solace in the fact that you are a person of honor and integrity -- you don't gotta be a man to be honorable.

[t-girlxsophie]

I am quite happy and content with both my male and female self.I try to live an honest life and do my utmost for my family,whether in drab or en femme,some times I feel like im a shockingly bad CDer (bad hair days etc) but I soon snap out of it because I feel so shallow.After all I have a good life with a wonderful family and by god I know how lucky i am.

Sophie

[eileendover]

Danni, please don't get stuck in the notion that you have to choose between the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself. Neither side has to be thrown to the curb. Keep whichever aspects of yourself that you truly enjoy (regardless of which male/female category you think they represent), and try to let go of any that you do just because you feel you OUGHT to. Be the author, not the reader, of the script your character is playing. Then it will be the perfect role for you.

[docrobbysherry]

Am I my man enuff to try and become the women of my dreams?

And, I'm still working on that!

[adrienner99]

"I have a manly job, I work hard, and I am successful. I enjoy football and many of the lesser sports (defined as any sport other than football). I am an avid outdoorsman – I love fishing, hunting, hiking, and mountain biking. Being from West Virginia I can in fact skin a buck and run a trot line and this country..."

Danni-- Not that it will help you, but all the above applies to me 100 percent too. (except WV.) I think happiness is very elusive for many of us. For most people, gender is the most black and white decision there is. Not so easy for us. I am a man because I have to be. One in awhile I enjoy it but mostly I don't. Sometimes I pretend to be a woman, because I HAVE to do that too. I wish I could be more open about that side of me, but I don't want to "throw it to the curb." I just try to find a balance between my two selves. It is hell keeping one a secret but it would be more hellish for my family if I let the secret out. I have read some of your posts before and think you are struggling a lot...Be good to yourself, honey. Because no one else is going to.

[kimdl93]

Its hard to live in two worlds. We're raised as males, and know our way around the male world to a greater or lesser extent. But most of us have only been observers and occassional visitors to the female world. So, its not surprising that we're just not as good at it as the things we were raised to do. That fact need not be cause for sadness. You can learn, develop greater skills and with your supportive girlfriend, I'm sure you get better at it with each passing day. Half the fun is in the practice, really.

But to my real point: there's nothing you described about the male world that isn't also enjoyed by women....parenting, working hard, outdoor sports, etc. (Its arguable that humanity would not have survived if the female hadn't been equally proficient at subsistence skills). So, maybe the key to happiness is allowing your inner feminine nature to participate in your male world to a greater extent. Cabela's has some really cute women's thermal tops

[kendra_gurl]

kimdl93 may have a point and I am sure it has helped some

But to my real point: there's nothing you described about the male world that isn't also enjoyed by women....parenting, working hard, outdoor sports, etc. (Its arguable that humanity would not have survived if the female hadn't been equally proficient at subsistence skills). So, maybe the key to happiness is allowing your inner feminine nature to participate in your male world to a greater extent. Cabela's has some really cute women's thermal tops

I have a little different thought

. I take care of my family the way a father should. I have a manly job, I work hard, and I am successful. I enjoy football and many of the lesser sports (defined as any sport other than football). I am an avid outdoorsman – I love fishing, hunting, hiking, and mountain biking. Being from West Virginia I can in fact skin a buck and run a trot line and this country boy can survive.

Danni we have so much in common. Yes there are a lot of GG's in this world who can also do all these manly things too, but that is not the type of GG you are trying to emulate. I personally feel it is because of all these skills and traits we have and enjoy that makes some of us need to find a more suitable alternative than to crossdress as a tomboyish girl. It's why just underdressing is not enough. It's why we like to shave our bodies. It's why we paint our nails. It's why we enjoy Girly dressing with makeup and wig and stylish Girly clothes. We want to transform ourselves into the total opposite of our maleness. Not just enough to know we are wearing something feminine but complete enough to make us think of ourselves as females for a little while. Doing so gives us a sense of balance.

Just as you spent years developing your abilities to skin a buck and run a trot line it will take years for you to develop the techniques to do your makeup and hair and all the feminine mannerisms your wishing to develop in order to become really comfortable with yourself while you are en-femme

Danni you have a wonderful and accepting girlfriend BUT YOU ARE NOT WITH HER at this time so you still do not have anyone to share this part of yourself with like you really need. In time that will not be an issue when you finally do get to live togeather so just be patient. Stay true to yourself and your relationship as time will change your being apart.

I've read most of your post and I know how frustrating it can be not to have anyone there with you to give advice and help you with the little things plus help build your confidence to the point where you can go out and enjoy expressing your feminine side to others. Once you both are togeather full time that will be a natural progression and your acceptance of yourself will flourish.

[Ally Anne]

Beautifully stated, Intertwined!

[prettytoes]

I can also skin a buck (and have done so on many occasions!). I have taken a record book bear with a bow and arrow. I love 4-wheeling, muddin', scuba diving, spearfishing, etc. I have been in the company of 30-40 sharks with no cage...up to 12' long. I mountain bike, fish, and have several tattoos. I am a custom woodworker with a quickly growing business. All of these are for the most part considered to be very "manly" activities.

Now for the other side...I love denim mini skirts, painting my toenails, wearing nighties to bed, and I feel "right" in a pair of satin panties and a soft cotton bra. I can't stand hair on my back, I like clean shaved armpits, and I shave my legs in the winter. Not very "manly" as considered by society.

My point is that I need all of the above to be a complete person. I don't understand it, and probably never will, but I can only be truly happy when both sides can be expressed. Since my wife found out and I am able to express my feminine side, I have been sleeping better, and have been much happier than ever.

[sherib]

Many times I looked into the mirror when I'm dressed up and ask myself the same question. I've never found the answer but I know I must continue to dress.

[Alexiz]

How is (or rather, was) Korea? I was born there, but had to come to the states when I was 1 year old. I visited for a tour with my parents about 3 years ago and it was beautiful. Part of me wishes that I was raised there, instead of out in the states. Way to ruin the whole patriotic setting right after 4th of July, right? XD

I think you need to work at being happy as yourself and don't worry about whether what you do is manly or feminine. As long as you enjoy doing it. That's my outlook on life and its served me well so far.

I enjoy reading Karren's posts (They're so straight forward and have an impact) and thoroughly agree. It's about doing what makes you happy, in the end. Being mindful of what others perceive you as is another aspect, but ultimately, you should be doing what makes you happy.

Just be happy with who & what you are.

I don't believe anyones "Gender Identity" is 100% masculine or feminine, ie. a "Gender Binary".

Part of what makes you the good person you are, is your masculine & feminine traits, even though you may not be outwardly expressing your feminine side at the time.

Another good point which goes along with what I've said about being happy. Find out what you like and enjoy, and stick with it. Things don't have to be so miserably black and white. Find the fine lines in between it and stick with it. Easier said than done, I understand. It's a common principle that goes along with a large variety of things.

I wish you luck! Things will work out in the end, stay positive! c:

[daywalker1966]

Why am I not happy with myself, that's a good question and I hope my answer is not disturbing. It's just the real me from the inside. I have hated myself for years. I was reminded many times by my mother that she wished I was the one kid she never had. In school I was persecuted without ceasing for being different. In college I was ostracized and on the job I was the guy stuck with the crap no one else wanted because I was the wierdo, the Goth, the freak.

I looked in the mirror with disgust, and once I smashed the mirror. The day I went along with a friend in going to a party dressed as a gal something happened. I looked in the mirror and saw someone attractive, someone different than me, and she was popular and well liked. She had long graceful hair and looked very nice, she was everything I was not. I got into seeing that reflection. Making me vanish and becoming her. I also found out that there were others like me. She got new clothes this week. I will be alone for two weeks, so she will get the weekends. I wish I could trade me for her. She is refreshing. Sorry if that makes no sense. It's just me.

[Noortje]

Ah, you feel you make a good man, and that it would be a waste to throw that away. The problem is that society has taught us that femininity lessens a man. But believe me when I tell you that your manhood is in no way diminished by your feminine side. The fact that you have two very different sides to your personality does not make one or the other less valid. You are a REAL man. And sometimes, a real woman. Your girlfriend knows this!

Why can you not be happy as just a man? Because that is not what you are.

[Danni Renee]

Thank you all for your words of kindness and your sound advice. I struggle really hard to find that middle ground between my masculine and feminine sides and to find that point where I can be comfortable with my new combined identity. Some days I think I am there and other days I am so far away I feel lost. I want my two sides to coexist side by side but every time I start to feel comfortable where I am at something comes along and pulls me back apart.

Kendra had a great point – even though I have an accepting girlfriend I am still 7000 miles away from her encouragement and support. She has never seen me fully dressed in person but she has seen me with my wig in person once. I think this separation and my loneliness has a lot to do with my issues. I get so hyped up about my future and finally being able to be myself and then I realize I cannot get too far ahead of myself and it brings me back to earth. I try to find solace in doing what I can do for now (underdressing and occasional androgynous clothing) but I want more. And then I feel guilty for wanting more. What a crazy cycle!

But regardless of my current issues, I do have hope. I read the posts from those of you with more experience that are able to integrate your dressing in your lives and it helps me to believe in a better future. I just have to keep working through these rough spots. Thanks again for lending a thoughtful ear to my worries and doubts.

8 more days and I will be home……

[DonniDarkness]

Be patient Danni, 8 days left, huh....maybe you can fill your time with some activities to do before you leave? Maybe it will get you out of your own head (so to speak)

Maybe even last minute souvenirs for friends and fam back home? idk just trying to help. idk trying to help lol...

So if your GF hasn't seen you fully femme, maybe a new outfit or look you can put together in the meantime to help pass the time. I plan outfits for evenings when the kids are away at the Grandparents during time i cant dress, it helps to ease the frustration some.

Chin up love,
-Donni-

I wanted to add something.

For me, a balance is a must between my femme and masculine sides. There was a time when i resented my guy side a little, but then i reminded myself that it is both sides of me that make the person everyone loves.
With out one side the other is half empty....Maybe you can find your balance in all this too.