Are you Gay?

[Nigella]

No, this is not a re-hash of a perennial question. It is an attempt to understand the perennial question (lol) that is asked of the TG community when we come out to everyone, not just SOs, but family, friends and colleagues.

Invariably we are asked “Are you gay?”, if not the first question, certainly within the first 5.

This is stereotypical of the public perception of the TG community, where this idea comes from originally is a matter of debate, however, as a community it is one that we perpetuate. Here is the latest example of our community saying, “yes some of us are gay” http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...t-are-into-Men.

You may ask how this perpetuates a common question, well it is posted on a forum for crossdressers, it is posted in a section of the forum that is visible to the whole web, it is our own words. So what does the public see, a bunch of “men” saying I like to wear women’s clothes, I am Gay/Bi/hetro (unless I am wearing women’s clothing).

This is not a critique of those who have answered the above thread, it is an attempt to understand just one of the reasons that the general public ask “are you gay?”

[Badtranny]

I'll tell ya what I find interesting;

The straight CD'rs who comment on how they would like to date some of the prettier CD's.

Few things are more fascinating than denial and situational justification.

I just love to hear people's stories.

[Sedona]

:-/ I dunno, I guess Joe/Jane Q. Public clicking around this site would find plenty of other threads featuring those of us who are straight, and prefer women 100 of the time, dressed or in drab.

If someone ever asked me if I were gay, I wouldn't be offended at all, as being gay isn't an offense to me. I'm just not, and if they have a problem with that, they have a problem with themselves.

[VioletJourney]

If someone ever asked me if I were gay, I wouldn't be offended at all, as being gay isn't an offense to me. I'm just not, and if they have a problem with that, they have a problem with themselves.

This.

I think it's really funny how people like to associate totally unrelated things with homosexuality (the "gay ear", etc) - I thought the only thing that made someone homosexual was a sexual attraction to their gender?

[Barbara Dugan]

Only one person has asked me that question before... my doctor and my answer was yes I am...now when people assume that I am gay but don't ask about I like to leave it that way

[LilSissyStevie]

After a lifetime of not being able to pin down my sexuality, I would have to say that essentially yes, I am gay. But in real life I'm not attracted to males. I'm attracted to what is referred to in the queer community as girlfags. I don't think there's a name for a guy who's gay for girlfags. Lucky for me they are not as rare as you would think. This doesn't have much, if anything, to do with crossdressing, BTW. My sexuallity doesn't depend on what I'm wearing.

[sissystephanie]

In the almost 70 years that I have been a CD, no one has ever asked me that question!! At least not in those words! Yes, I do wear feminine clothing, as often as I can. But I am very much a MAN, and am no at all "Gay" or homosexual!! I will add that I was married for almost 50 years to a very supportive and devoted lady who has now passed on. Other than family members, there is one other lady whom I do love, but she is already married!! So I can't have her!! Oh well, that is life!!

[Karren H]

I think that me being straight make me less of a pervert.

Being a parent of a gay child changes your perspective on orientation! It sure did me.

[jazz]

I'm Bi, where does that figure in this equation?

[prene]

I'm Bi, i always love women. Even if I was one. lol

[danielle40I]

Interesting question Nigella.

Yes I've been asked if I was gay. Yet I first had to determine the individual asking the question...were they asking because they really wanted to know, or were they looking to promote a commentary on their own morality issues. For the later, it's a no-win situation. they have their own preconceived notions and merely want to procelitize. The former, however, are coming from a position of wanting to know who I am to then make a more informed decission on their own as to whether or not I was a positive factor in their lives, or not.

For the former, I make it clear that there is a definitive difference between GENDER orientation and SEXUAL orientation. The two are mutually exclusive. I for one am not gay. And make it clear to those that ask (yes I've been approached dressed as a very "male" male) in the most gracious way possible that I'm not.

I believe that when en femme, I have a responsibility as an ambassador(ess) of the TG community to educate rather than be combative. Society has been bombarded with enough stereotypical cowsqueeze regarding sexual orientation. If I am presented with the opportunity to bring greater understanding to society at large then I'll do so.

Some will merely hear, while others will truly listen. It now becomes anothers' resposibility to accept or condemn the message.

[Engendered]

In the almost 70 years that I have been a CD, no one has ever asked me that question!!

I find this very surprising, as it's probably the most common question I get in relation to my CDing from the people I've met. I am very open with my CDing though (but as are you!), and encourage questions, so I guess it's not too surprising that it comes up. Also, if it's a girl that has caught my eye, or someone I'm interested in getting to know a lot better, I do try to volunteer the information if I can, as soon as possible. Step 1 in avoiding instant friendzoning.

[Princess Chantal]

I wonder how many crossdressers answered the question posed by the SO or person asking with
"only when I'm dressed enfemme"
or
"no, but I do have a curiousity of being treated like a woman"
or
"actually I tend to have bisexual thoughts, but I do prefer women"
or
"I see myself as a woman, so I'm your lesbian lover"
or
"does being attracted to another crossdresser count?"

[SweetIonis]

There seem to be quite a few threads centered on this "straight/gay" notion.

What's up with that?

[Jason+]

The last time I was asked if I was gay I did have a skirt on. My reply was they are totally separate issues. While I have to confess to curiosity, my wife gave the best answer. "You obviously like women, the furthest you could be is bi."

I'll tell ya what I find interesting;

The straight CD'rs who comment on how they would like to date some of the prettier CD's.

Few things are more fascinating than denial and situational justification.

I just love to hear people's stories.

BTW. My sexuallity doesn't depend on what I'm wearing.

If I am deep down honest with myself then the answer to whether or not I would like any sort of sexual activity with another man doesn't really have much to do with what either of us is wearing. At the end of the evening it doesn't matter how prettily you wrap a package it's still the same inside.

In order for the general public to figure out that cross dressing and homosexuality are neither hand-in-hand linked nor mutually exclusive we have to figure it out too and be very careful about using one as a catalyst for the other.

[BLUE ORCHID]

I'm not Gay and have no thoughts about changing but I do have some Gay friends.

Orchid

[NicoleScott]

Really? Are we allowed to answer this question "no, I'm not gay" without being accused of homophobia?

[Annie D]

If you present yourself as a woman then I think that most normal thinking people would assume that your sexual preference is the same as a woman; men. Therefore if you are a male and dress like a woman then it follows that you prefer men as well. I think that this is the logical order of thinking of your average public. This is the mental anguish that I faced growing up as a young crossdresser in my own mind when I kept wondering if I was gay but OMG I liked women and they turned me on sexually like I was turned on when I dressed in women's clothing.

The more we all become public, only then will the general public not make assumptions about our sexual preference. Thank goodness that most people really don't care, only the ones who we are closest to; wives, girlfriends, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, people we work with, neighbors. Oh I just about named everyone who we interact with, talk to, share a meal, a story. Wow, I guess that just about covers everyone.

Tell me, are you gay?

[L'eggs n' heels]

I'm not Gay and have no thoughts about changing but I do have some Gay friends.

Orchid

I have gay friends too, and they never wear dresses.

[PretzelGirl]

Only one person has asked me that question before... my doctor and my answer was yes I am...now when people assume that I am gay but don't ask about I like to leave it that way

I have the same experience. For all of the people I have come out to, I have only been asked if I am gay or planning to transition by my doctor. He then proceeded to run a complete hormone screening on me. It was an interesting discussion to say the least (for the record, I have a great doctor).

[Tina Leigh]

Yes been asked by wife, repeatedly when I step out of closet and get caught. but Gay does not fit the range of expression possible I like feminine creatures and maybe some day I'll know how appearances the "equipment package" relate to those thoughts of interest. realisticaly bi lesbian is as far as I would be labled. But again I would rather be on an island with someone who is sincere in whatever they desire than someone who is the straight guy getting whatever from whomever when he can and denies it make him anything but normal. Tina

[ReineD]

The general public needs to understand there is the same mix of sexual preferences among crossdressers as there is in the general population. It's unreasonable to expect all CDs to be straight. There are thousands of active members, yet in comparison, only a small percentage of people who posted in that thread and said they are into men. And even among those, it was to go out on a date with a man in order to experience an evening as a woman, and not to have sex.

So, I think we're good .

[Eryn]

The general public has very simplistic concept of sexuality and gender. From their perspective the norm is manly men and feminine women. Anyone who does not fit this norm is put into their "gay" pidgeonhole.

Feeding this is the stereotype of the gay male who exhibits exaggerated feminine mannerisms. The connection made by Joe Public is that if a person is male and shows feminine traits then that person must be gay.

[LilSissyStevie]

The general public needs to understand there is the same mix of sexual preferences among crossdressers as there is in the general population.

That was my original prejudice but my observation is that while the majority is hetero, the percentage that would identify as bi is much higher than the general population, also the % that would identify as asexual is probably higher, too. The % that identifies as exclusively gay is probably lower. It's hard to say, though, because most forums like this tend to discourage sex talk and many people don't participate in these discussions because they don't want to be put into a box.

[Frédérique]

Are you Gay? No, this is not a re-hash of a perennial question. It is an attempt to understand the perennial question (lol) that is asked of the TG community when we come out to everyone, not just SOs, but family, friends and colleagues.
You may ask how this perpetuates a common question, well it is posted on a forum for crossdressers, it is posted in a section of the forum that is visible to the whole web, it is our own words. So what does the public see, a bunch of “men” saying I like to wear women’s clothes, I am Gay/Bi/hetro (unless I am wearing women’s clothing).
This is not a critique of those who have answered the above thread, it is an attempt to understand just one of the reasons that the general public ask “are you gay?”

[SIZE="2"]Where, might I ask, are you "coming from"? Are you for us or against us?

The public asks “Are you GAY?” because we MtF crossdressers are tossed into the “deviant” pile, along with every other practitioner of "perversion," purely out of laziness. When you look up transvestite in the dictionary, you'll find that sexual deviancy, as outlined by society, is part of the definition. So, to the world at large, we are all deviants, perverts and GAY (or queer) by association. Add to this the fact that even here, where support for all facets of an alternative “community” is inferred, some individuals seek to disassociate themselves from certain corners of the membership, looking down upon males who wear female clothing purely for pleasure. I get the feeling we aren’t supposed to exist, and it hurts…


What the public “sees” is what the media allows them to see, and the “face” of MtF crossdressing is DRAG, done mainly by gay males for the benefit of other gay males, or done purely for laughs (and entertainment). The public only sees this side of the coin, looking no further, but the obverse, namely the tactile, hetero MtF crossdresser, is dismissed by other transvestites, other crossdressers, and even so-called “supporters” of the community. I gave up a long time ago, right after the 15th discussion on this topic went nowhere. You win. I’m GAY. I submit to your reality. No where’s that support I was promised? Can we get on with the tolerance, please?
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