Have you been hit on by guys all of your life? Is it "gaydar"?

[Laurie A]

When I was younger, in my twenties, I would get hit on by gay men quite often. I regretted that I Was not hit upon by more women...?!? I felt somewhat ambivalent about the advances from gay men, But I did find it a bit flattering.
I do think it may be a vibe, that gay men misread. I happened to work in a profession where Many of my colleagues were gay, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

Of course it also depends what your definition of being "hit on" is. I was never (thankfully) put in the position of having to forcefully fight of an unwanted advance.

Now that I'm in my mid 50's nobody hits on me, so enjoy it while you can.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

I don't find that guys hit on me all that often, in male mode or even when I get all done up en femme. Occasionally at some TG friendly spots if I'm in full girl mode there are "admirers" in the room who will politely greet me and chat me up shortly but I think when they get that I'm not really interested in them, they tend to lose interest, there's plenty of girls there who will be.

[eluuzion]

I find this thread fascinating!

OK ... apart from overt sexual advances, how do you know that someone who is being nice to you is hitting on you?

Well my first tip-off is the mirror mounted on the top of their shoe...

My loosely applied definition is more toward identifying the interest and intention, rather than an overt "I like you, do you like me" note, lol.

I focus on what a person's non-verbal cues are saying much more than the words coming out of their mouth. I have studied kinesics/non-verbal cues etc for many years and I am pretty accurate at "reading" people and intentions.

It has not happened enough times to earn me a life sized clone in the CD International Wax Museum of maniacal egomaniacs...lol. But I have been hit on by both male/females. I can feel it and see it in their facial expressions, gestures, word choice and emphasis tags.

If someone feels "everyone" is hitting on them...they are either a rock star, egomaniac, paranoid schizophrenic or my ex wife, lol.

Discussing the issue makes it appear out of proportion in reference to it's actual size and significance. Any time I have experienced this event it automatically makes me think of the difficulty involved in a gay person looking for a gay partner. Every attempt to reach out could be a circus ride if the person does not happen to be interested in gay relationships...

[Megan-Louise]

That's my life in a nutshell too :/ I got chatted up on a bus by a gay man as a teen then frequently chatted up by men throughout my teens!! I have always protested that I am not bi, just special

(hugs)

X x

[ReineD]

I've got to say that up til now, I thought most CDers' lives were charmed! I do read story after story in here about CDers getting hit on by men. This didn't really add up to me, since I've been going merrily along believing that most men are straight. Certainly, most are in relationship with GGs. And also I have to say that I've been hit on a few times in my life, but not to the degree I read about in here from the CDers and this is what gave rise to my earlier question.

So I asked my SO about this. He said that for a lot of men, sex is sex and it doesn't really have much to do with sexual or emotional preference. This is still a concept that I find difficult to understand since as a woman, I can't see myself hitting on another woman, but I think I am finally beginning to believe it.

[sandra-leigh]

Either I am very rarely hit on or I am very bad at noticing it.

I can only recall twice being hit on by males, and one of those was so drunk that he did not know or care what I was.

Someone (Reine?) mentioned being bought a drink, to them counted as being "hit on". I would say that a lot depends upon context and style. I buy people drinks and usually all I mean by it is that I am being sociable. Or that I value their presence or company more than I value my money.

"Sending" someone a drink or walking up to someone and saying, "Hey, can I buy you a drink" is different from "buying the round" or making someone feel welcome or paying for the drink that the person you are already talking to ordered. And sometimes, buying a drink for someone is to give them a socially accepted excuse to spend more time talking to you in the face of competing demands for their time.

[Kaitlyn26]

I've always had guys hit on me, but have never identified as gay or truly bi. When I was in HS my manager hit on me and my Mom wanted me to quit working there. I was quite capable of taking care of myself so I didn't worry a/b it.

Later I was hit on many times by gay men. Do you think there is a vibe put out there or just an acceptance of people in general? I've always heard of "gaydar". When I was in college an older man tried to take advantage of me when I was quite drunk.

We were out on a boat drinking beer and he leered at me as I had to relieve myself and later came into my room (at his home) and proceeded to take advantage of me. I stopped it before it went all the way, but my friends definitely questioned what happened. I wasn't totally averse to it, but it was w/o my consent. If he had asked, I don't know what I would have said.

Since then I have been hit on many times though I'm married. I don't have a big problem with it, and it's flattering whenever anyone finds me attractive.

Is it a vibe or just being accepting?

Now that I think a/b it, I had another manager that was gay who hit on me and a designer that told me I was cute and wanted to know if I was available.

Holy Moly! There was another guy that hit on me right in front of my wife in a furniture store that we frequented...

I don't get hit on that much by gay or straight guys but when they do hit on me it turns into borderline obsession very quickly. If I'm in female attire they seem to get some sort of fantasy in their heads after I tell them my little secret if they're gay.

[StarrOfDelite]

I find this thread fascinating!

[B]OK ... apart from overt sexual advances, how do you know that someone who is being nice to you is hitting on you? People approach me all the time too, men and women, and I never take it that they are hitting on me. I just think they are being nice and I engage in conversations right back at them.

Not talking about creepy aisle stalkers at Walmart like Eluuzion's example, but just people who come up to you and start a conversation or joke around.

I mean, is it me, or isn't it kinda egotistical for people to think that everyone is hitting on them?

[/B]

Reine, often times when I would be hit on by men, me being DRAB at the time, it was touchy feely stuff. Not overt genital or buttock touching, but things like holding onto my arm and feeling my biceps through my suit coat, invading my personal space to speak into my ear from less than a foot away, putting an arm over my shoulder while walking as if we were chums when we'd met half an hour previously, sitting too closely next to me on adjacent bar stools, et cetera. Believe me, it is exactly the same kind of stuff that a gender woman such as you would recognize as unwanted attention which is specifically sexual in nature.

A couple of observations. 1. When I have been overtly propositioned by other males when I've been in DRAB, almost invariably it has been them asking me to be the "Top" partner. 2. I still find a lot of this kind of behavior to be irritating even when I'm in DRAG and actually interested in dating men. It's Creepy no matter what Gender I'm presenting. 3. I'm not sure if this is significant or not, but in some ways the Guys who in the past hit on me in DRAB have been more aggressive and persistent than the Admirers who hit on me at GNO's when I'm doing my best to attract attention. This may have some bearing on discussions we've had on another thread about what Admirers are all about.

[ReineD]

Thanks, Starr.

What do you think of the observation my SO shared with me .. last paragraph, post #30?

[Badtranny]

I really dont get hit on very much by gay guys even when they read me.

Me either Barb, :-(

I've been in bars in the Castro with tight jeans and a tank top and still ended up buying my own drinks. These days (since HRT) I don't get any attention from gay guys at all.

Thankfully most any straight guy is only a few drinks away from experimenting. ;-)

[ReineD]

I really dont get hit on very much by gay guys even when they read me.

Me either Barb, :-(

Huh. Isn't ironic that it is the straight guys who do all the hitting. Gay guys are more puristic that straight guys?

I feel like such a fish out of water with this topic. Honestly, I don't get it. Venus and mars, and all.

Oh well. It's an education.

[Badtranny]

Huh. Isn't ironic that it is the straight guys who do all the hitting. Gay guys are more puristic that straight guys?

I think guys are guys. It's allegedly easier to find sex in the gay community, but that's only because there's no women around to keep things civilized. ;-)

Back when I used to think I was bi, I was with a few guys but I was doing most of the approaching. I used to wonder why, but now I realize that gay men are looking for a masculine quality that I just never had.

[BRANDYJ]

I don't think I've ever been hit on by a gay man while dressed in male mode. But I have been hit on while out in fem mode to places that welcome us that are transgendered. I don't go out dressed fem to other public places. It has even happened while sitting in a club with my then wife!

I guess I don't give off any fem or gay vibes while out and about. And to me... that's a good thing. I have been hit on and or flirted with by women over the years and that is always welcomed. It's good for my male ego.

[GirlieAmanda]

You know, this reminds me. I have been told that I am a good looking guy. I have been told that I am good looking as a girl. Yet as a guy, in the straight world, its tough because I am a little shy and no girls seem to want me even before I went full bore into TG/TS life. A couple of guys hit on me in boy mode in a gay bar on a Monday night but as soon as they heard that I was TG the air went out of the balloon of sorts I guess. When I was out this weekend, one lesbian dom type but cute and small was apparently hitting on me but I didn't realize till later when my friends said she was. Its so curious.

You probably are a little cutie and guys just can't help themselves. You have "it" I guess. I don't know if I have "it" or not. I guess enjoy "it" and just be careful and have fun. You re lucky.

[Kaitlyn26]

You know, this reminds me. I have been told that I am a good looking guy. I have been told that I am good looking as a girl. Yet as a guy, in the straight world, its tough because I am a little shy and no girls seem to want me even before I went full bore into TG/TS life. A couple of guys hit on me in boy mode in a gay bar on a Monday night but as soon as they heard that I was TG the air went out of the balloon of sorts I guess. When I was out this weekend, one lesbian dom type but cute and small was apparently hitting on me but I didn't realize till later when my friends said she was. Its so curious.

You probably are a little cutie and guys just can't help themselves. You have "it" I guess. I don't know if I have "it" or not. I guess enjoy "it" and just be careful and have fun. You re lucky.

Just because no one hits on you does not mean that you don't have "it", unless by "it" you mean having a personality that's easily approachable and an exterior that's not too bad looking. The former is a large reason that people tend to feel comfortable "hitting on" me I think. Maybe it has more to do with your shyness in guy mode that's bleeding over to your female side? I was always a very easy person to flirt with, even as a friend playing around. Also if gay men were hitting on you, it means they want a guy, not a women. If you told them you wanted to be or enjoy presenting as a women it was probably just a massive turn off for them and had nothing to do with your TG/TS status other than the fact that they were uninterested in women.

[StarrOfDelite]

Thanks, Starr.

What do you think of the observation my SO shared with me .. last paragraph, post #30?

I am reminded of Alice Novic's comment about how Males like me are not Straight Men and probably never have thought precisely as a straight man would about sexual matters anytime in our lives, and wonder how qualified I am to comment about your SO's observation. With that caveat in place, I think that I'd agree with him that, "for a lot of men sex is sex and it really doesn't have much to do with sexual or emotional preference." I am absolutely convinced that there are many men out and about who would Top a willing gay person without any emotional or intellectual reflection upon the concept that by engaging in such activity they are themselves engaging in Gayness. To these guys, as long as it is their penis penetrating another person's body it is perfectly acceptable uber masculine behavior.

In particular, I remember one guy against whom I frequently played racquetball and handball saying with an element of pride, during a B.S. session sitting around the locker room, that "he would f**k a snake if he could get it to hold still." He was a good-looking, well-built, not too tall, Italian-American guy who worked in construction, and athletic competitor or not, I'm sure that under the right circumstances he would have accepted oral or anal sex from me, and would have had no second thoughts about the emotional consequences. Using another man would be an affirmation of his own maleness and power.

This was 15-20 years ago, before I learned the truth that I was sharing my psyche and body with a transvestite bottom, and I was still in homophobic self-denial. I don't fantasize about him or his ilk nowadays either, because that's not the type of man who is attractive to me.

Norman Mailer was fascinated by by the concept that it was the "right" of the more powerful male to sexually use other men (e.g. "Ancient Evenings"), and I'm fairly sure that concept is still floating around somewhere in the brains of a lot of American men. Mailer wrote fiction about the victorious Egyptian warriors raping defeated Assyrian opponents after a battle as if it was commonplace, but I don't know if he has any actual valid historical basis for that concept.

Where I think your SO misses the mark, however, is that he is equating th Macho Uber Masculine personality with the personality which wants to hit on other men, and by and large these super macho types are not the ones who hit on me when I was in DRAB. I don't want to stereotype, but my general impression of the guys who did hit on me was that they were persuader and enabler types rather than the Macho Beast types who figure so prominently in Fictionmania and Literotica stories and CD/TV prison rape fantasies. More like an insurance salesman trying to sell an annuity than the bete noire who stops the trembling CD in an alley an says "Down on your knees you faggot!" (apologies to all insurance people on the forum).

I was never hit on in DRAB by anyone like my old racquetball partner, and don't buy into the proposition that such men are themselves just a different shade of Gay. They don't think about it, and they wouldn't have sex with me because I am a transvestite gay male, they'd do it because I have a warm body orifice that they want to penetrate for physical reasons, and emotional reasons that have more to do with male dominance than male attraction.

[lynn_lynn]

2 younger guys yesterday followed me in a gas station. the one giggled the other told on his friend. said "he thought you was a girl" and the other defended himself saying" you do have nice legs" . I had just come from a wave pool and was wearing a skimpy outfit with a long tshirt.. im sure they was straight but open minded dudes. the situation was nice complement and made me feel better after family dumps crap on me. ha, some my make up is crappy too, so it just washes off.

[joannemarie barker]

I can walk into a gay bar and find nobody attractive and then walk into a "straight" bar and see half a dozen men I'd be interested in

[Badtranny]

I can walk into a gay bar and find nobody attractive and then walk into a "straight" bar and see half a dozen men I'd be interested in

Amen sister! After I came out as gay and started openly exploring the "scene", I was devastated to learn that I wasn't attracted to gay men. That was about 4 years ago and it was my first clue that something was still not quite right.

[ReineD]

I was never hit on in DRAB by anyone like my old racquetball partner, and don't buy into the proposition that such men are themselves just a different shade of Gay. They don't think about it, and they wouldn't have sex with me because I am a transvestite gay male, they'd do it because I have a warm body orifice that they want to penetrate for physical reasons, and emotional reasons that have more to do with male dominance than male attraction.

I did paraphrase my SO. But I gather he meant what you so eloquently say above. Thanks for your thoughts!

[Fab Karen]

So I asked my SO about this. He said that for a lot of men, sex is sex and it doesn't really have much to do with sexual or emotional preference. This is still a concept that I find difficult to understand since as a woman, I can't see myself hitting on another woman, but I think I am finally beginning to believe it.

Quentin Crisp joked that: "men aren't heterosexual or homosexual, they're just sexual."