dissapointed

[Aprilrain]

Everyday i imagine killing myself. I have a pistol it's a 40 caliber semi auto. I imagine sliding the magazine into the handle and hearing the click then pulling back the slide, i can see the round being pushed up by the spring at the bottom of the magazine and then being pushed forward by the slide in to the barrel. It's double action so i can **** the hammer or not it makes no difference. putting a gun in your mouth and shooting your self has to be the least feminine way to kill yourself but its pretty much guaranteed to do the trick. I'm so disgusted with life that i just don't care how this sounds. Everyday I get in to some stupid argument with my wife who I deeply regret meeting let alone ****ing, impregnating and marrying. its a life sentence though. Today my five year old tells me out of the blue "your still a boy dad" I yelled at him to get his feet off the seat. I was in a foul mood for the rest of the evening. I'm evermore estranged from my parents because they don't want to see me dressed as a female but thats the only way i dress now. My 13 year old referred to me as "he" when talking to my wife on the phone today. I know its insignificant but it was like a knife in the kidney, I said nothing. I can tell he is totally uncomfortable around me and I'm sure his friend he had over yesterday was too. my wife and her friends are nice to me but they don't treat me like one of the girls, they have a conversation with me then turn to each other and exclude me from the girl talk they don't walk away or anything but the circle closes and im not in it. my female friends are better but still I have been practically sexually assaulted and called a man loudly in a public place by a woman who I thought was my friend! she later apologized and said she didn't know that would be hurtful. No i dress like this and sound like this because i want you to treat me like a man!!!! WTF isn't kinda obvious!!!!! That she thought for even a second that i would want to be called a man is disheartening to say the least. then there is the physical stuff. this is by far the most depressing aspect of my life and the most difficult to over come. My self image and what i see in the mirror DO NOT MATCH AT ALL! my self image is pretty much my avatar picture thats a great picture and i often look at it and think "god i wish i looked like her" that sounds absurd im sure since it is me but it's not its a picture.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Aprilrain, I wish I could say the words that woould make you feel better about yourself and maybe more tolerant of the people in your life that don't/can't/won't accept you. Maybe your kids will come around as they grow up some. Unless they are being poisoned by others in their thinking. I haven't been down that road myself yet. It sscares the crap out of me thinking the worst of things happening. I will be there in the spring time as my plan goes. I can only say they we are here for you tosupport you as you continue your journey. If you haven't yet please get some counseling before you decide to do anything. I know that I have been suicidal and my therapist has been a lot of help to me.

[Steph.TS]

I'm not in your position, I can't know what it's like, but please don't look at suicide as even an option. there have been times I thought about being born as a man is a life sentence, feeling that sense of hopelessness, I wish I could say I put on a bra, wear a sexy dress and it all feels better but that doesn't work for me, I look towards the possibility of hormones and SRS, even though I don't think I can afford them. I sympathize with you about the being excluded from the girl talk, I'm not out at work, but I sit around the corner where the women sit and have lunch and talk, and I wish I could be part of that, truly be one of the girls, but even if I came out I doubt they'd accept me as a woman.

you know what my strategy for dealing with this stuff is? it's going to sound silly and unproductive but it helps me, I jailbreak my ipod touch, or put custom firmware on other devices of mine to give me more functionality, I lose myself in movies and video games, I do activities that distract me from my problems and that mentality of it's a life sentence doesn't hit me for a while, again I don't have a wife or children etc... so I'm not reminded of this.

I hope that things improve for you, that you get more included, one thing I'm about to do is join a transsexual support group that maybe be somehting you could look into, and of course therapy if you aren't already.

[Eileen]

April the world is full of stupid and inconsiderate people. We can not control them. We have to learn to live with them. We all have been down to the point where we thought there was no hope. The good news is we are still here and we want to count you among us. We are here for you as others have been for us. Reach out and together we will look forward to a new and brighter tomorrow.

[Zenith]

Yeah...you're going to have to not think about things that upset you for a while. Easier said than done. And I understand not feeling whole, but you must realize it's a process. It takes time, but you'll get there. I'm still not happy about some aspects of myself (voice, chest), but I feel so much better looking in the mirror than when I started transition...and I know I'll get there eventually...

[morgan51]

always good to hear from you keep yalking and knw that it does get better. Hugs for you!

[Pattie O]

I think the best way to deal with your situation is to focus on something else and even helping someone else who may be having problems themselves and this may even be your own family.Remember how important these people are even if you are not getting along ;everybody has arguments and down times so don't be down on yourself for just wanting to be who you are. (there is nothing wrong with this no matter what peoples views are) .Things always have a way of working themselves out especially if we just let go

[Jay Cee]

Don't go there, April. Please. It's a one way trip.

Sounds like too many rudenesses happening too close together. The kids... well, I can kind of understand their attitude, especially if their mother is not accepting of the real you. The others need to give their head a shake.

Do you have friends / family who do accept you for who you really are? If so, hang out with them, or call them. If not, how about a TG resource /counselling center? While we are all here for you, nothing beats talking to someone in real time.



Jay Cee

[DebbieL]

Children, especially teen-agers, are often not the kindest people in the world. Your 13 year old is going through their own issues of gender identity, gender preference, ranking in the pecking order, and they are desparate to belong. They are afraid that they won't belong, and are suffering from feelings of "I'm not good enough". It's natural for a teen-ager, it's the painful part of puberty. As the parent, you probably need to listen. If you are feeling suicidal as an adult, with all the coping skills of an adult, you can imagine how much harder it is for your child, who wants desparately to be an adult, want to be part of their crowd, and yet still only has the coping skills of a child. If you are in transition, you may want to talk to your gender identity tharapist, and you might even want to talk to a family tharapist.

What you are going through, and what your child is going through, are natural parts of growing up for both of you. It's natural that your child will want to rebel, and if calling you "he" will get your goat, then that's just another form of teen-age rebellion. As a woman, it is natural for you to want to make improvements, to attempt to alter your appearance in ways that make you more acceptable to yourself. This is natural for a woman. Men have very few options for altering their appearance. They can shave, grow a beard, wear baggy clothes to hide the belly and love handles, and wear clothes that cover most of their bodies to hide their hair or lack of it. As a woman, you have many more options, including make-up, plucking, waxing, electrolysis, cosmetic surgery, hair treatments,... Because you want to show off your figure, you want to wear tighter clothes, show more leg, wear heels to get that sculpted butt, and if you've done breast enlargement, you might even want to show cleavage. But all of these require many of the same tricks women use, including foundation garments, knowing where blouse out your blouse, and knowing how long or short your skirt should be for specific situations.

The thing to remember is that even GFs don't do this all the time. They wear the loose baggy shirt, the high cut top, and even long flowing pants when they don't feel like wearing the tight spandex undergarments, the push-up bra, and they want to grow their hair out long enough for a good waxing, or they just don't feel like shaving or depilatories that day.

Being a beautiful woman takes effort, but even the stars have days when they just want to put on the sun-glasses and not bother to glam-out.

There will be times when you get read, or get clocked. You can handle it more effectively if you realize that you are responsible for making THEM feel comfortable with who you are. If they read you, give them a nice smile, and a wink. If they start to laugh, laugh with them. Sometimes I even strike a pose. But I also make it clear that I'm not out to seduce them, or trick them, or hurt them.

If I'm dressed in club-wear, I'd better be willing to act like I'm the life of the party. On the other hand, if I want to dress more normally for a woman, I might wear the pants, the flats, and keep the hear loose and flat, or in a pony tail, or scrunched up, and use very light make-up, just enough to take the edges off, without trying to look "glam". If I've done my job right, I don't get noticed at all. People will look at me and see a not-so-attractive woman, rather than a "guy in a dress".

I also found that doing the Landmark Forum helped me with many of these issues - which are issues of being a human being as much as issues of gender identity, and helped me to deal with them far more powerfully.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

april i deal with my family calling me he all the time... they are incredibly supportive but they have a hard time "remembering"..you are vulnerable now, so you are likely to feel those "hes and hims" as knives but you have ignore them and pick good times to GENTLY remind them that this is really happening.. pls trust me in knowing they will "get it" more and more... they are boys, i had girls so there will be differences...but if they KNOW they can COUNT ON YOU, they will be fine..

Debbie welcome and thnx for your thoughtful post!! you nail it when you say teenagers are cruel...if you were the Queen of America, they would think you were a stupid, lame , awkward useless person...

really feeling that you are the woman in the cute picture is a long process.. i am sorry it's so long.. it's unfair its so long...and it's especially difficult to realize that during this process you will get hit with indignities over and over...the stuff about your GF girlfriends? that's just the way it is...they are going through a process too!! many times i felt i took it on the chin..

the mere fact that you have your gf and that kids are still sharing their lives with you is a huge plus!!

all the above about patience goes to physical stuff too..if you don't think about it all the time, you wouldn't be who you are...

[Badtranny]

Hang in there April.
You've got what 29 years of impersonating a dude? Give yourself and everyone some time.

In the meantime, you've got kick ass tranny friends like me ;-)

[Aprilrain]

1. Your 13 year old is going through their own issues of gender identity, gender preference, ranking in the pecking order, and they are desparate to belong. They are afraid that they won't belong, and are suffering from feelings of "I'm not good enough".

2. If you are feeling suicidal as an adult, with all the coping skills of an adult, you can imagine how much harder it is for your child,

3. who wants desparately to be an adult, want to be part of their crowd, and yet still only has the coping skills of a child.

4. if calling you "he" will get your goat, then that's just another form of teen-age rebellion.

5. The thing to remember is that even GFs don't do this all the time. They wear the loose baggy shirt, the high cut top, and even long flowing pants when they don't feel like wearing the tight spandex undergarments, the push-up bra, and they want to grow their hair out long enough for a good waxing, or they just don't feel like shaving or depilatories that day.

6. Being a beautiful woman takes effort, but even the stars have days when they just want to put on the sun-glasses and not bother to glam-out.

1. are you talking about me or my kid! lol

2. I don't have to imagine i remember quite well wanting to kill myself then too

3. Kids don't want to be adult (read responsible) they just don't want adults telling them what to do.

4. He's not doing it to get my goat he just sees me as a male so uses male pronouns. : (

5. Yes few of my GFs or my wife or her GFs ever dress to impress they are all 30 something moms and wives who could give a shit less about their appearance however no one is mistaking them for male no matter how unkempt they look.

6. It's been weeks since I "glammed out" have no where to go and no one to go there with. Most of the time I'm at home or with my kids and since its hot we have been swimming a lot so no make up. I would be less noticed if i dressed like a male well except for the boobs, but i can't go there. I'd rather get laughed at dressed like a girl than have to pretend to be a boy.

Its a conundrum. thanks for the replies everyone I felt i needed to tell on myself. I hate pretending like every thing is OK when its not but the people i spend the most time with are either kids who wouldn't understand and depend on me or my ex who ask what's wrong then judges me for feeling the way that i do so i just don't tell her anything anymore. plus we constantly bicker over the stupidest shit!

GFs = girlfriends as in my friends who are girls. No girlfriend for me thank you! One ex-wife and several ex-girlfriends are enough lesbian encounters for this hetero girl lol.

Melissa every time I picture the gun scenario I then think how devastated you would be if i left this world so I hold on one more day : P

[Kaitlyn Michele]

welcome to the magical world of transition..

you really seem to be a pretty good place despite your feelings... part of this process is finding out that the day to day life is just that, and all the feelings of finally starting a life, and feeling like the weight is off your shoulders are temporary relief...now is the hard work... the good news is you have people around you, and despite your protestations that is you!! that may be your best pic, but its still your pic.. and soon you will have a new best pic....

what you are doing is like filling up a huge empty cup, one little drop at a time...it will take time...your mind will wander...it really is quite boring and frustrating..and writing things down and getting those feelings out is a good use of your time and energy..

[Inna]

April, so far all you have said was how others are and what you think they want or don't want from you.

Tell us girl, who are you? and what do you want now?

[Kittykitty]

April, honey, you say you have no one to talk to, are you in therapy at all? Please if you're not, get in there. I'm in a very similar position to yours and wouldn't still be there if it wasn't for therapy. She keeps me alive for my kids, and for that I am grateful.

You seem like a sweet, caring individual who is stuck in a hardspot with constant irritations and not a lot of enjoyment. Do something for yourself, even if it's as simple as heading to the park to enjoy a view for a few minutes. You don't even have to get out of the car if you don't want to. Just ease your soul and find some room to breathe.

May peace be with you, sister.

[Aprilrain]

April, honey, you say you have no one to talk to, are you in therapy at all? Please if you're not, get in there. I'm in a very similar position to yours and wouldn't still be there if it wasn't for therapy. She keeps me alive for my kids, and for that I am grateful.

You seem like a sweet, caring individual who is stuck in a hardspot with constant irritations and not a lot of enjoyment. Do something for yourself, even if it's as simple as heading to the park to enjoy a view for a few minutes. You don't even have to get out of the car if you don't want to. Just ease your soul and find some room to breathe.

May peace be with you, sister.

I try to walk as often as i can its hard in this heat either early morning or after 8! this always helps plus i hope its keeping the blood clots away!

Yes I have been in therapy for almost 10 months now and sometimes its helpful and others not so much I never was much for pep talks plus i only go every other week but i see my incredibly annoying wife almost everyday, I truly regret marrying her.

[Kittykitty]

Is there any way around seeing her? If it's a kid thing, can you have them hop out in the driveway or something? Just trying to think of ways to avoid your triggers.

Also, and please don't answer this here, but can you get the gun out of your house for a bit? It would at least take the chance of an impulsive move away.

Find a way to shake up your routine. Give your body and mind some unexpected relief, whatever that might be for you.

[Beth-Lock]

I don't want to lose you either. That would be hard. Hang in there until it gets better. But in the meantime, savour the small pleasures and joys that come along. Like the understanding contacts on this forum. Like trying new make-up or combinations of clothing to put together new outfits. Like books and women's magazines. I find the routine of make-up soothing and comforting.

Gradually with new friends and by your quietly changing the nature of your relationship with your present social contacts, just by being persistent, your social environment will improve. But above all, hang in there, partly to give others time to get sorted out. The ones that don't get sorted out can perhaps just be avoided.

So many of us have gone through and are going through similar things. Transitioning is not for sissies, or perhaps it is espcially for sissies! But in addition to the lows, there are also outstanding big and little highs that await you over the long run.

[Hope]

We have all thought about suicide at one point or another. Every single one of us. 44% of us have tried it. Which is pretty disgusting when you realize that only 1.6% of the general population has attempted suicide.

We all know where you are and that it is a dark and desolate place. We have all been there.

I realized one afternoon in high-school - as I was sitting alone on my bed in the middle of my clothes, sobbing, with a exact-o knife with a fresh blade in my left hand and my right wrist turned up and exposed - that I didn't want to die. What I wanted was for the pain to stop. We all know that there are only 2 ways to make that happen. Die - or be a girl. I didn't know how to be a girl then - I am still learning, but I knew I didn't want to die. And I doubt you do either. You are no doubt in a shitty place right now - but - not to be trite - it DOES get better.

I want you to make a promise to another transgirl. It needs to be another trans girl - cis folks are great but they have their own agendas and don't understand our issues.

Promise her that you will call her before you do anything stupid. You can call me if you want - PM me and I will give you my number. but it is better if you can call someone you know, in person, who lives near by.

[Aprilrain]

What I wanted was for the pain to stop. We all know that there are only 2 ways to make that happen. Die - or be a girl.

there is a third option and i tried it for a long time about 15 years in fact its called active alcoholism and drug addiction. works pretty well especially Oxycontin. i guess it DOES have SOME drawbacks!!!

[Kelsy]

At least your real and alive Just do me a favor and lock the pistol up put the key in a self addressed envelorpe and drop it in the mail and when you start drinking
don't drive OK!

[Aprilrain]

At least your real and alive Just do me a favor and lock the pistol up put the key in a self addressed envelorpe and drop it in the mail and when you start drinking
don't drive OK!

OH! i guess I failed to mention that i don't drink or drug anymore. YEAH! it kinda quit working for me about 7 years ago. GOOD TIMES! while it lasted nothing like sobbing on the floor in the corner of your room with a bottle Jack Daniel's a bag of weed a borrowed sun dress and a hunting knife. still have the scars from that one.

[Laurie Ann]

I like to use this as a pain blocker oxycodone taken with a very dry grey goose martini works very well.

[carolinoakland]

Sweety, you need help. See a counselor, you are clearly frustrated and are holding yourself back. And please, hear the compassion in my words. They come from someone who has felt that very same frustration and how it manifestists itself in anger. And self hurt. Please, do not harm yourself. There is no 'undo' for that choice.

[Melody Moore]

Hi April,

Sorry it took me awhile to finally catch up on your thread.

First of all I am sorry to hear that your kids & others around you are struggling to accept you for who you really are.
I think that many people who have replied here have given you some thoughtful insight what might be going on &
other ways in which to deal with this. But the one thing I urge is patience & that you don't ever give up hope of them
finally accepting you for who you really are. Also understand that people by nature are typically clumsy & forgetful
and they can also have a hard time changing old habits. I have my own ways of dealing with this if people persistently
keep doing it. I will totally ignore them & they won't get any response from me at all if they call me by the wrong name
and/or use the incorrect pronouns when they refer to me. If they want to know why they are getting the cold shoulder
then I will gladly tell them why. if they want to be rude, obnoxious or in any other way sarcastic about it I might just
get up & walk away with my dignity fully intact. But the most important thing is - DON'T ever let this crap get you down.

Now I also see your other thread you posted which is the good news about your change of gender ID, now this is a very
important step in the whole affirmation process not only for you, but everyone else around you, because this is how you
are to be legally identified. Once others know that you have legally changed your name & your gender markers have been
changed, then they really do start to take you a lot more seriously. They will be a lot more accepting of these changes I
think if you are the best person you can be, be a better person than you were before & always set a good example that
they can follow. If your kids have any questions, take the time to teach them about what is going on & why you are the
type of person that you are. But most importantly always show your love for them & let them know you will always be there.

As others have said, stay focused, you are not as bad as you might think. I have faith you will come through this in no time.