Why crossdressing doesn't work...

[Cristi]

This is just thought I had out of nowhere earlier in the day and am wondering what other people's thoughts are.

First, let me say that this is from my perspective as a crossdresser, and will probably NOT be relevant at all to transgendered people, for whom crossdressing is just one aspect of their gender identification.

So my thought:

As a crossdresser for almost 50 years now (!!) I feel like I've been constantly chasing a level of satisfaction that I can never reach, resulting in my always wanting more, then after getting it needing more still.

For instance, when I first started just putting on a pair of panties was heaven. In a short amount of time, that became 'normal' and I needed more. Throughout the years, I moved on up the ladder that most of us climb. Panties to skirts, to full outfits, breast forms, to makeup.... eventually leading to the urge to be seen by others, to go out in public, to be accepted.

I've achieved most of these goals and it always ends the same. What is new and exciting quickly becomes 'normal', so off I go looking for the next step.

At this point, I underdress 24/7, wear a skirt or dress almost the entire time I'm home with my SO, have gone out in pubic shopping, etc. But now that all feels normal.

I find myself out of rungs on the ladder. I do NOT want to transition or live 24/7 as a woman. I enjoy being a man. But the plateau I've reached with my crossdressing leaves me wondering "Where do I go from here" and even worse... once I find out, what do I do after THAT?

The only step left for me is to go for acceptance from friends and family, but the cost of that would be higher than I can pay right now so it is not a step I'm ready to take (I know that some might latch on to this point and try to say otherwise, but just trust me... it isn't right for ME at this point in my life).

I know I should be perfectly happy with what I have... and believe me I DO appreciate the things I have, but I guess after 50 years of always moving toward the 'next thing' I feel like I'm kind of stalled now that there IS no next thing.

And in the end, I am left wondering if I would have been better off having more control, trying to keep myself at a level where even the little things (a pair of panties, or a skirt for a stolen few minutes once a week) would have been better.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Christi,
Would you be satisfied or happy if the only clothes you ever wore were guys' clothes?
What's the next form of self expression? Space alien clothes?

I often notice that people who are obsessesed with getting tattoos never really seem to reach nirvana, so they just keep getting more tattoos, because one or two is never enough. I outdid them all because I have none, and yet I am still happy. Can this type of reasoning apply with crossdressing?
Anyway, I hope my response wasn't too frank or rude.

I forgot to add that we are all products of our own imagination.
Maybe space alien clothes could be fun too!

[Cristi]

... I hope my response wasn't too frank or rude.

Not at all, I think your point is pretty near the mark. That is why I wonder sometimes if the best move would have been to not 'let myself' start at all, or made more of an effort to keep things simple instead of getting on the path with this endless escalation. I don't think I'm alone on it, I rarely see anybody who is satisfied with just a few simple aspects of crossdressing. Eventually we all need just a bit more... and once it starts, it never ends.

But then I guess we're talking about more than crossdressing. There are limits to anything. There is just so much sex you can have, or so many hours of the day for dressing (or people you can be 'out' to). Eventually in anything you do you'll finish the steep part of the curve and come into a plateau.

Maybe I've just reached that plateau and don't know what happens next. I guess I'll just have to try for the 'happily ever after' thing.

I forgot to add that we are all products of our own imagination.
Maybe space alien clothes could be fun too!

Only FEMALE space alien clothes, thank you!

[AnnaCalliope]

Have you considered doing some kind of drag performance or stage show?

[Cristi]

Have you considered doing some kind of drag performance or stage show?

I've thought of it, but it just doesn't feel like the thing for me (besides being a TERRIBLE performer!) For whatever reason, my personal opinion of drag is that it is on a separate track than crossdressing, not part of the path I've been on. I still might be interested in giving it a try someday, but right now it just doesn't feel like the thing that is next.

[Sarah Doepner]

Cristi, I think I understand your situation. In fact, I've followed a similar path in many ways. Now I too am kind of stuck. I actually know where I'd like to take my dressing next, but in the interest of maintaining family peace that's not going to happen. I've taken that dead-end and tried to find other ways to better understand and experience this situation. Monthly get togethers as part of our Tri-Ess group helps when I can make it, but that's a hit and miss situation. Attempting to integrate some of the feminine into my personality and accept it as a viable alternative to the masculine approach is one way. As for the physical aspect, I'm pretty restrained there. I've polished, epilated, shaved and plucked as much as possible and will have to rely on my collection of Aloha shirts as my refuge from totally male fashion. I can't tell you what to do but I believe the next step will come as a logical extension of everything that has already happened. The timing may be subject to others expectations and needs, but it will happen.

[sissystephanie]

I will start off by saying that I have been a CD over 20 years longer than you!! Yes, I am old!! In that time period I have done just about everything that any crossdresser could do, except anything to do with males or being in a drag show! My late wife always did my makeup and fixed my wig when I went out in public so I could easily pass!! She has been gone for 6 years, but I still go out in public dressed completely enfemme!! But, I wear no wig or makeup!! Just a guy in a skirt! Try that for a difference in your life!! The amazing thing is that in 6 years I have not had one single negative comment made to me. I have had lot of women ask me where I bought the skirt or top, but that is all!! Like I said, try it for a totally different lifestyle!!

[Karren H]

Personally I don't know why we think we have to keep pushing upward and onward. If I never did any more than I do now I'd be happy. Hell if I never crossdressed again id be satisfied that I did so much more than I ever expected to.

[Cynthia Anne]

The definition of human is: NEVER SATISFIED! Don't try to change it because wont be satisfied with the results!

[meri]

Cristi,
What you are describing is ego, it is never satisfied and always wants more, more, more. Take a step aside from that part of your mind and observe it's behavior. Where you go from here is to better understand yourself and your motivations. Once you truly understand, the craving will stop and you can enjoy peace of mind again. Look up an author called "Eckhart Tolle" on Amazon and buy any of his books. He is a bit off the wall at first, but by reading, you will truly understand yourself better and the drive for more, more, more will cease...and it has to cease, because as you pointed out, where do you go from here?

[ilana]

You may just be burned out. Try taking a break.

[Josey]

Based on what has alredy been said your interests towards greater satifaction rest with all of us. Do what you can do, enjoy the moment while being satified where your at at the time.

[Angiemead12]

I know what your going through, I told my therapist and wife that there must be something more than just getting pretty and going out. I think I am starting to look for a purpose now, something with a deeper meaning than just looking pretty and shopping. Yet I still don't know the answer, but I think it would boil down to helping others like us, reaching out and making a difference in our life time.

[CarlaWestin]

I think everything we do is subject to "a path of endless escalation." With any hobby, pastime or driving passion such as cd'ing there's always that boundary to be pushed. My next station on this fascinating train ride is having my SO become my chastity key holder. This ought to be interesting.

[Chickhe]

I think I have the answer. The obsession comes from repression. If you try to deny your thoughts, they come back stronger. If you accept who you are, the obsessive part will go away, but first you also need to explore the activity enough to answer most of your questions. Then, at that point you start asking yourself, what now? You then might still dress, but it is more out of enjoyment or routine and then you can simply stop for a period of time if you want and its not a big deal. That's sort of where I am. I like dressing, it is fun, I don't think of it as big deal, I almost don't care if anyone knows (except to protect my family members) and I'm just about as happy as I have ever been. One thing that did help me (I always had a fear of being in public enfem or not) was to go out in the day time dressed (on my own), but also to come out to anyone who happened to be around me on halloweenn which allowed me to see how little concern they had and it turns out to be a lot of fun. One other thing I did was to never label myself to others and just do it because I could explain it away as an experiment.

[busker]

Cristi, maybe you've just been in the process of "changing uniforms" for 50 years rather than "being". It's like a dog chasing it's tail--the faster it goes the faster the tail goes and it never catches it. It could be that it wasn't meant to be anything more than wearing women's clothes, but you could try going sideways for a while and do things that real women do while dressed. It's that wanting versus having thing. You wanted to dress but in the end there was no reason behind it (maybe). try designing some thing that you would like to wear and can't find in the stores. try cooking? Be the woman that your dressing was meant to express, assuming it wasn't just a sexual thing.
above all, have fun. Life is too short to be down in the dumps.

[SweetIonis]

Food for thought that several threads dedicated to expressing some sort of dissatisfaction with this type of thing have appeared. I especially find the last sentence of the OP pertaining to control to be interesting.

[Kathy4ever]

I think that is your male brain working. In business and in life we usually set goals. Once we meet those goals we set new goals. We are usually wired this way. It might be a learned habit or that is the way men are. I'm not sure. I keep telling my 7 year old to enjoy what he has, because when he is doing something he likes or has wanted to do he is always talking about doing something in the future. Slow down and enjoy what you have and life.

[BLUE ORCHID]

It's only human nature to want to advance.

Orchid

[Valerie1973]

Maybe there is a part of you whereas you are just burned out. I'm only 37 and reached a point to where I too feel burned out. The desire is just not there. I think about it, but it's boring. However, you are right is there a purpose? Could it be just a funk? I'm sure this happens all the time. When the spark comes back, a new avenue must be taken.

[Gillian Gigs]

It could be that a person is never satisified, of it could be that the obsession comes from repression, or it could be something else. I am of the thought that we as individuals have to come to the point where we can accept ourselves, for who we are. I found my balance, and it was about the same time as I started to accept myself. I still do get times of going a little deeper than usual, but I come back to this balance that I now have. I guess that the occasional deeper time reminds we that it does not satisify me more than when I am in my balance. It helps to have an understanding SO. I liked the last paragraph: "And in the end, I am left wondering if I would have been better off having more control, trying to keep myself at a level where even the little things (a pair of panties, or a skirt for a stolen few minutes once a week) would have been better". I try to enjoy the little things in life, and make the most of it. I underdress 24/7, making the most of it, enjoying the lacy and satin with out the hassle of the outer fixings. Only my SO and I know what is under my tee shirt and jeans. That is my balance, and I have comfortably learned to live within my balance. It works for me!

[SweetIonis]

Gilian, that was a nice thoughtful reply. Thanks. I too was drawn to that particular sentence in the OP. Nice to see someone else noticed it also!

[Aprilrain]

Sorry but I have to ask this rather obvious question. What is wrong with normal? By normal do you mean not exciting and CDing is simply a way to get excited? I think your right this definitely does not apply to TG folks for whom like you said dressing in target gender clothing is a step in expressing outwardly the way you feel on the inside. While i can identify with feeling excited about sex as a woman, and having CDing make that more realistic for me I guess i don't get how CDing its self without a sexual component is supposed to be really exciting all the time. I mean its just clothes.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Everyone has raised interesting points. I am in a slightly different position and perhaps that helps me keep up the desire to dress. I don't dress when I can't shave my body. That limits my dressing to when we wear wetsuits to surf. Here in Virginia Beach that's late September until sometime in April. I go on break until then. Come August I am so ready to dress, I can hardly stand it, so by late September I am raring to go.

[Gaby2]

...As a crossdresser for almost 50 years now (!!) I feel like I've been constantly chasing a level of satisfaction that I can never reach, resulting in my always wanting more, then after getting it needing more still...

That's a really intriguing thought, Cristi.

It's only since I live in a context where I can crossdress at will that I'm happy with my CDing.
But it's CDing that has taken on a role in my life rather than it being an element which I can use to attain a certain (unattainable?) "level of satisfaction".
Moreover, I've started to look for opinions about my CDing.

This contrasts with the urge to purge (=wanting or needing less?) which had always confounded me.
That is, until I realised I was only doing this for fear of what others might think.

Gaby