Why have you kept your CD'ing a secret?

[Tamara Croft]

I've decided to ask this in light of what has happened to Karren and something tifftg said in her thread.

So, you're married, or living together and have this secret. As the years go by, it gets harder and harder to tell your wife/partner that you are a crossdresser. Before you know it, 20+ years have gone by and she/he still has no clue what you are secretly doing.

So what drives you to keep this a secret, what do you fear the most happening to you if you ever decide to tell her/him that you crossdress?

Will you ever tell your wife/partner that you are a crossdresser?

This isn't limited to those who have been with their partners a long time, I'd like to hear from anyone who is married or has a partner that has no idea their husband/partner is a CD and the reasons that they don't know.

[MsCorrinne]

I'm sure there are alot of us out there who have not opened up our little pandora's box to our spouses. Mine knows little tidbits..but not the whole story. We just celebrated our 17th year together. So, yes it gets harder and harder to broach this subject with her.
I have a female friend who I've known for many years through work associations. She is the only other person who knows about my alter ego. She is very accepting and supportive. A good friend and nothing more. She has also asked this question. So, are you gonna tell your wife about Corrinne?

Here are my reason's for not telling her, for what it's worth:
First our relationship is turbulent at best. So if our relationship ends, I don't want to provide leverage to her to use in our wonderul justice system.

17 years is a very long time to keep this a secret. So I"m sure there is a boat load of hurt involved. How could I not share "everything" with my life partner? I have not clue how to cover this one..which I'm sure would be a BIGGY! And probably the most painful.

For me, it's only been the last couple of years where I've started purchasing a wardrobe and dressing fully. Previously, I would consider I had a fixation with nylon. Gotta love the internet for opening all of our lives to a new understanding and a host of information. And to some new lovely friendships that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I think there are a host of reasons that we don't share our experiences with our spouses. Embarassment. Shame. Guilt. FEAR of the unknown. Stereotypical reactions. I know I have those feelings at times. I have never purged like some have. I'm very careful about where I put my things. But there's always the chance that someone in the household will stumble upon them...then life will definetly take a turn. Will I ever tell her...probably not. So in the meantime I enjoy my alter ego and share time with my new interesting friends.

So I close this ramble with these parting words...
Clothes do not make the person. Afterall, we are talking about the outside appearance of a person. Not what is truely inside.

MsC

[Wendy me]

wow good question i fit in that 20+ year thingy ...at frist i did not say anything out fear and to tell you the truth i realy did not know who or what i was , haveing been cding for over 40 something years at one time i thought this would pass like it was a scikness or something as the urges grew stronger i did more crazy "him" things to well for not haveing a better way of saying prove to myselfe that i was ok as manly as the next through the boze and drugs i keept it some what hidden oh then the whose are theise ??? your cheating on me ...it almost ruined our marrage ..then more and more i could not hide it she cought on bit by bit she never wanted to deal with it and most likly thought it would go away ...busted so manny times and the pain it caused .. but we are dealing with it now in small steps ...see i wanted so many times to just yell god damit i am a crossdresser but just could not do it out of fear of loseing her or mutch worse hurtting her and thats soo the big one i did not want to hurt her ...if i had realy accpted me for who and what i was in the begining it would have been a lot easyer,,,,i love my wife and altho i am not were i realy want to be with this i know that her feelings need to be watched out for ....after this is not like just something that is all abought me it is also abought our marrage and her....

[urban gypsy]

I kept my cding a secret for a long time. Because I first met my wife while at school and I was what you could call abit of a ring leader and abit of a thug. so I had a tough macho image to maintain, and admitting that I cross dressed then would have caused me a lot of problems, including losing face with my peers.Over the years it just become harder and harder to tell her because I was a night club bouncer, then in the armed forces, pub manager running some of the toughest pubs and bars in the Uk. So again had this very tough image to maintain, also had kids to consider and how they would react about having a fem dad.Then about 8 yrs ago we came out of the pub game and I took up a job that was completely different to anything I had done in the past.And as i was happier with life than I had been in a long time, I started to wear more feminine items more openly but still did not go fully fem in front of my wife.Then one day when I was wear cropped trousers very fem flat shoes and a loose blouse that could be mistaken for a shirt. She asked me if I like wearing womans clothing. And the rest is history.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Tamara
Keeping the secret starts slowly.
I am dressing vey infrequently in underwear only still living at home.
Do I tell her before we get married ( I should have but I thought I was giving up ).
Then when I start dressing again when shes at work I hide it
Its easier when I know I wont be disturbed or likely to get caught.
Then its do I tell her, and how ( so I dont ).
Then the children come along so dressing is reduced and hidden unless its halloween.
I then worry what will happen with the children if she finds out.
I am so scared of the consequences.
Eventually I feel I have to tell her for my sanity and well should she find out by accident and it will be worse if she catches me dressed.
I use a comment about stockings being sexy.
Then I say something about it feeling very sexy when dressed for a fancy dress party
This lead to me confessing my dressing and how it has been since I was around 10

I suppose in the end it all came down to one question
Did I trust my wife.
This sounds very simple but this journey took me eight years.

We are still together after more than 20 years

[Lisa Golightly]

Always* told all my girls the truth before we either hit the sack or visited habitat... Never been a liar, never saw the reason to lie, always respected the people I was with to tell them all about me.

* There was one I didn't tell... she stabbed me when she found out.

[Bonnie D]

I had always thought my crossdressing was quite personal, something that other guys did not do. I was atheletic, into all sports, so had an image to maintain. Very male oriented so had to keep my feminine side totally secret. Started having gay sex in my early 20's and enjoyed it in a passive way. Became more aware that others crossdressed too but without the internet couldn't find out much about it without drawing attention. My male self still wanted the 'normal' life - wife and kids, house, car, etc. So my female self had to stay hidden.

I mentioned to my wife when we were just dating that I had crossdressed when I was younger to see her reaction. She was quite happy that I had told her this deep dark secret but then stated "you don't do this now DO YOU?" "Of course not" was my reply. After we were married I brought up the subject again and admitted that I had a few articles of clothing hidden away. She took a fit and demanded that I throw them out, she didn't even want to see them. I felt degraded and vowed never to bring it up again. I never felt that I was wrong in dressing just that I had to keep it to myself.

If crossdressing is hard enough to tell a spouse how could I tell her that I'm also bisexual.

Bonnie

[Nlenro-nu]

I was afraid of what others would think or say. I was afraid I would wind up in the Mental Psychriatric Ward. I was afraid my sisters wouldn't understand. I also work for the Canadian Mental Health Association which is another reason. Recently A CMHA worker said to be BE TRUE TO YOUR SELF! DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY! Also Dr. Wayne Dyer says" LIFE IS LIKE A ROSE
BUT IT HAS THORNS! Does The ROSE WORRY ABOUT THE THORNS? I think NOT" Just live life and don't let the thorns control you. So I stopped letting the thorns control me. Thanks to this forum I noticed some people on a city transit going to Vernon that have pictures on this forum. I wouldn't have guessed they were crossdressers if I hadn't seen the pictures. Actually there was one that had way too much makeup and was kind of sloppy looking. It was obvious that one was a crossdresser. Probably the 1st for that person. Question: I'm Medically a male that dresses as
female some of the time! Should I call myself male or female? Sorry if I went off topic a bit. I'm 55 and I decided to Live My Life, if some people don't understand or
don't like it so what? I usually end with life is like a Rose
but it has it's thorns. When I seen Dr. Wayne Dyers comments. I did forget about that until Dr. Phil
reminded me! Yes i'm referring to the Dr.Phil that's been on
Oprah! I don't recall exactly what I said. But he did say
something like don't let others be a thorn in your side!
Amon-laylee-Awkqwa Nlenro-nu

[Sarahgurl371]

Been married 14 years now. Told her two years ago about everything. About eight ears ago about just undergarments. Reasons I kept it secret:

1. I know now that I was afraid of the truth myself. I classified it a fetish.
2. I was and am still afraid of rejection by her, my best friend. I've always said i don't care what anyone thinks of me, truth is, I need her acceptance.
3. She was raised very conservatively, I was not. I figured this would be A huge hurdle for us to overcome, but like our marraige conselor stated " neither one of lives with our parents anymore and you are both adults".
4. Scared to death that I will be alone for the rest of my life because I'm a CD.

[Katiegirl]

Hi Tamara,

I kept my Cding secret from my first wife for many years, but of course she found out and after that my marriage gradually broke up. In my divorce, her lawyers put that forward as the main reason for the break up. My wife made sure all my friends knew as well, so I lost most of them, however it proved a 2 edge sword as those friends did not want to get involved with either of us so she lost out as well.

I did marry again but that was a big mistake and it broke up even before I restarted Cding

I now regularly dress as I live alone and do go out to TG meetings, but I have not come out to any of my friends or neighbours so in that respect I'm still in the closit.

I see no reason to come out to them as I dress in private and in my own home and it does not effect them, I also remember what happened when I divorced.

If I ever meet someone again who I wished to live with, I would tell her first.

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

[Daintre]

I have been crossdressing since grade 5, so fairly young. I had always felt that there was something wrong with me to harbor the feelings I had. I tried very hard to stop dressing and told myself that it was time to grow up and be a man, I married the first girl I dated, I was so inexperienced, and I had purged my female clothes. We had a great first year, but the feelings came crashing back, I told my wife and she did try to handle the situation and give support. The problem was that by me dressing I was causing her to lose her self worth and eventually it broke up our marriage. During the divorce, my crossdressing was made public and I was outed to my family and friends. I still punish myself today for not being up-front with my ex before we were married. To this day neither her or I have remarried, and I always wonder and feel guilty that I am the cause of her being single. My advice, be up-front and tell the person you love that you do crossdress, if you do, you both have an important decision to make, lets face it most women will turn and run because they are uneducated in what crossdressing is and who we are.

[TGMarla]

I am secretive of it for simple reasons. First, my wife, who I love very much, doesn't accept it for some reason. Second, my friends wouldn't accept it easily, either, and I don't want the relationship I have with my friends to change. Our neo-religious society looks upon it as an abonination, and shuns those who do not conform. I'm a decent person, but I would be blackballed by a lot of people if all this were to come out.

We who do this live in a microcosm of society where it is accepted. That's why there are so many girls who love this site. Here we are accepted. But I hear all the time from various girls here that we should tell our wives, go shopping, get out, not be so secretive.....it's all crap to some extent. There is a lot to lose by being so open. And all this just to prance around in pantyhose and high heels?

[Stephenie]

I hid all from my wife for almost 24 yrs. I then told her about my CDing and for how long i had been donig it. At first she seemed to take it better than I had though but then she became more and more upset. Though I did not dress in front of her she felt more and more that I was wrong and that it was hurting her.

For all the yrs that I kept it a secret I was never sure that she would accept it and until this yr I wasn't sure how I could accept her knowing. I questioned my self and who and what I was. I took me till I was over 46yrs old to come to terms with it myself. I always felt that others would not be able to understand how a regular guy would like to dress as a woman and that there was a part of me that liked to by pretty and nice. I know all the things I thought about myself and it is easy to see what others would think.

I can fully understand why someone would hide this and why it is so hard to tell after yrs have gone by. All the things that I thought people would think were asked of me by my wife . She has known me for 24yrs and still she asked. To loss the respect that she had for me was very painful, and to loss the trust that I never deserved was also painful.

By tell your SO you put everything on the line. Your betting everything you own, everthing that people think of you and everthing you think of yourself that the person you love the most, the person you what to spend your life with will be able to accept something that you yourself found so hard to accept. It's like playing russain rollet with 5 bullets and one empty chamber.

I don't know how anyone who hasn't had to hid something form the world can understand the fear, the lonilness that goes with this. To live a life that at anytime, just one little slip can cost you eveything, SO, family, friends, job, neighbors, home, future...everything. So why do we hid it from our SO? A better quetion might be how do we ever get the courge to tell and why would we risk so much?

[tifftg]

I don't know how anyone who hasn't had to hid something form the world can understand the fear, the lonilness that goes with this. To live a life that at anytime, just one little slip can cost you eveything, SO, family, friends, job, neighbors, home, future...everything. So why do we hid it from our SO? A better quetion might be how do we ever get the courge to tell and why would we risk so much?

These words really hit a cord. It is that always being so careful of every word you say, how closely you look, how much you know about certain subjects. LOL, my wife told me a month ago about her new MAC mascarra purchase-Zoom Lashes. I had been using them for months, I had to feign disinterest.

I am so thankful for this group, there is at least a little space to share. I am over 50, the years before Prodigy, were awful, so alone, so careful

[GypsyKaren]

Well, I kept my secret for over 40 years before breaking down and telling my wife everything. I guess I didn't think anyone would understand since I really didn't either. I always thought there was no one else out there like me. I was afraid I'd be regarded as a pervert or freak of nature.

After years and years of hiding, it got easy to do. I had built in safeties that kept me from accidently spilling everything. The more time I spent in the closet, the deeper I regressed into it. The whole thing got to be a routine, dressing and covering up.

I also have to say that during most of that time I felt comfortable in the closet. It became my fantasy world, a place where I could be who and whatever I wanted to be. it also was the only place where I felt safe and secure. It was a shelter for me, something I could trust and always rely on.

I feel so much better now that I'm out. It's to bad it took me so long to get where I'm at now, but I'm not looking back because it serves no purpose and does no good. i've replaced it all with the love and trust of my wife.

GypsyKaren

[Katrina]

I never told my ex. She and I discussed it once when I dressed as Britney Spears for Halloween. She said that it bothered her that I enjoyed dressing up as BS so much and told me flat out if I was crossdressed, she would divorce me. That right there told me she would not be cool with it. We divorced for unrelated reasons but I still have not told her. I have told my GF though pretty early on.

[Sophia Rearen]

But I hear all the time from various girls here that we should tell our wives, go shopping, get out, not be so secretive.....it's all crap to some extent.

Marla,
A little elaboration, please.

[Ava Mouse]

My wife now knows, but here's why I kept it a secret for so long.

1) My marriage & family are way more important. Having come from a broken family, divorce was not something I ever wanted to risk. I feared losing my wife & kids. Keeping it a secret ensured family stability.

2) Fear I'd have to stop.

3) Fear that I'd loose friends, who'd reject me.

4) It's my private time, my escape from reality & stress. Having the wife around inhibits the relaxing part.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Loaded question

Im married 14 yrs 2 kids..

finally told my wife and now we are heading down a very bad path i fear.. she is not taking it well..says i betrayed her i lied to her and she cant trust me.. i told her in MARCH!! by the way..we are now talking about separation..

she says i have been "neglecting " her for yrs..i havent been but we've had some issues..now she says crossdressing revolts her and she doesnt love me and the only reason she isnt kicking me out is because she knows i'm a good guy and she doesnt want to hurt our kids (neither do i!!)

i agree with the the girl who said you are betting it all!!.

here's the thing...i have been very very sad for months..last nite i went out on a "business trip" and spent the nite dressing and going out...i have to say all my problems went away. I felt very whole and decided F*&# it...i'm going home and telling my wife to either come around or i'm out of here!!!

that didnt happen..we had a nice dinner and are watching tv hanging out..
but i am thinking more and more (and then some more) about x-dressing...i shaved my chest..i want to shave my legs..i've spent $1000 in the last 3 months on clothes and jewelry..i'm getting bolder and bolder in my dressing as well..(Read my story in another post!)..

its so hard because i was born this way..didnt tell her because i loved her and wanted her to love me..now i have 2 wonderful kids...if i told her, i wonder if we wouldnt have married....

anyway..its very tough to be a crossdresser

-michele

[Laurie Ann]

Tamara,
This is an interestering question I have been married almost thirty years. I have tried to broach this subject (in general nothing specific) over the years with my wife and her response has always been one of disapproval and all the usual questions about why would I ever consider doing something like that was I gay, perverted. I tried to put dressing out of my mind for many years however as I have gotten older the urge has become stronger. I have stepped up my dressing to include my own makeup, bras, panties, forms and several items of clothing including a wig. I know that I should tell her I want to tell her but am very afraid of her reaction. I love my wife and she is my best friend but if she had a very negative reaction I would be devestated, Laurie Ann is out of the bottle and I do not wish for her to be put back and if an ultimatum was given the choice would be to do anything to keep her. If that were to happen I would feel that a part of me had died. I hide my dressing out of fear, basically of rejection and fear of losing the best thing I have in my life. I wish a genie would appear and make everything all right. I have a great life but the only grief I have is this perplexing question and it does cause sleepless nights from time to time and always end up just as confused as when I began.

[Sophia Rearen]

I'm pissed! This is sad. People shouldn't have to feel this way. I believe perception is our biggest problem. Ignorance about CD's keeps the closet closed. Where is the education? The gay community has made great strides toward acceptance, while we haven't even thought about crawling.
Unfortunately, until things change many of us will suffer as evident in these posts.
As for the risk of losing it all, if you are not whole, how much do you lose?
Tamara, good question. Wish it wasn't needed.

[emmicd]

Tamara,

The truth is the secrecy is a form of protecting yourself and in a sense your spouse or girlfriend as well. For me keeping a secret was not intentional it was however necessary. When the secret was discovered it made things a little bit easier. Now that the cats out of the bag it's not really a secret anymore with my wife. She sees my dresses and womens pants in the closet and is not phased by it but does not want me to wear it in front of her or anyone. So I am still and will always be a closet crossdresser.

My secret is still maintained with other family who do not know and friends and work. Only 2 of my closest friends know I crossdress secretly and they are not phased by it as long as I don't go outside in a dress in their company.

The truth is I will never go outside in a dress because I just don't feel comfortable doing so.

Girls jeans is a different story though.

Emmi

[arula]

How bad do you have it? a little? its in a box most of the time. A lot? Its out of the box more than in. I'm a $%#$ girl!! your looking for someone to accept you for who you are. What the hell is this between my legs? Your off to the sex change clinic. Keeping it a secret for most of us keeps peace in the neighborhood. But we have just enough that when we do it, it sends us right to the moon and back! OH Yea!! everytime I do it!! XO Arula

[Michelle Jo]

Been dressing all my life it seams (started when I was 3 or 4) .. been married all my adult life .. out for only the last 10 .. but they have been the happiest and the saddest 10 years all at the same time ...

I came out to the wife and my family because of an very stressful medical condition (totally not related). My theraphist and counsoler both said living this secret (which I told both of them about it right up front) only was adding to the depression and hopeless feelings that living in pain 24/7 and being disabled at the young age of 40 was putting me through.

The wife wasn't happy (infact she HATES it) she said "I married a MAN and that is who I want to live with ... she has zero lesbian tendencies and plans to stay that way!!!" So I guess one could say she accepted it but is not willing to be involved or see Michelle Jo in any way .. we compramised under a "Don't Tell, Don't Ever want to See, Never Bring it Up Again" policy .. she knows I dress when she is not around and says as long as she never has to deal with it she can continue to live with me as my wife .. I do all the laundry so she never has to deal with my feminine clothing and I never flaunt it when she is around (although I do wear many feminine items .. jeans, shorts, and panties 24/7 .. but nothing close to the ultra feminine items I would love to wear ... skirts, dresses, stocking & heels).

My family all said "They never knew and see nothing feminine about me.." and all say this is just a phase and it will pass with time (not sure where they get that after all it has been 40+ years now and the feelings are stronger then ever) but they all just ignor the subject completely.

I wish I had told them all (especially the wife) ealier but I do believe the out come would have been the same (if not worse .. infact the wife most likely would have just left if we had not been married for 18 yrs already).

I know she loves me and I truely LOVE her it is just something she can not deal with on an "Out of the closet" way ... My therapist says I should listen to what she said .. she said "I Can't!!! not I Won't or Don't Want To" and that is a big big difference ... Crossdressing is just something many people (women mostly) just CAN'T deal with because there just ins't enough shared knowledge about it and there is way too many old ideas and opinions to over come ...

Although it may not be the accepted advice but my suggestion would be ... "If you can keep your CDing in check ... and things are going along in a way you can live with it ... and you have any indication she will not be accepting or open to even discuss it ... Then Keep It To YOURSELF if at all possible ... and if it does come out deal with it at that time the best way you can ... " I know this isn't the popular stand and many will say I am wrong ... and it is only my opinion .. but from the majority of what I have read and the stories I have been told ... the out come will probably be the same when and if you do have to tell her ... some one once told me "It is usually easier to say "I am Sorry" than it is to get permission if what you want to do is an unpopular idea" Not the best approach I know but many times the most workable one.

Sorry if this offends or upsets anyone .. please believe that was not my intention.

A Friend & Sister-Cder,
Michelle Jo

[Fiona K]

I'm not sure I qualify as many of you know I told my wife almost a year ago after neary 20 years of marriage.

The reasons I kept the secret so long have already been outlined by many here, I'm not sure I have anything to add form the usual list of fear of not getting married in the first place, the marriage ending, the (vain) hope that by marrying you mght find yourself cured (remember this is over 20 years ago, no internet, almost nowhere to find support, the Gay movement in it's infancy outside major cities like London or New York).

What I found was that I had to "come out" to myself first, the web helped, this place and the people here helped tremendously. I surfed till my fingers ached learning and talking to others and last September I finally sorted out in my head who and what I am. Once that was understood my entire outlook on life changed and, though I was not dressing more than before, I found a greater feeling of contentment. This resulted in a noticible change in my demeanour such that my wife noticed.

I ws feeling my way to trying to figure out how to tell her, how to explain that I had been deciteful and hidden from her. Part of the sheild to throw her off the scent had been an overly masculine attitude- full "walking wallet syndrome" when shopping for clothes for her for example. Anyway, she saw this begin to change and, I found out later, she was terrified I was having an affair.

Unknown to both of us we were both trying to figure out how to raise the subjects that were worring us. Eventually she simply cem out and asked what was wrong with me and then the whole story came out.

She still has moments where she wonders if the affair might not have been easier to take but we have managed to keep together though talking. The issue now is that there are two of us in the closet, our girls don't know (17 and 20) and she wants it to stay that way, at this time her main emotion is acute embarrasment- what will others think of her if the found out.

We have our ups and downs, but I asked her to talk to her best friend about it and she finally did after 2 months, she's had great support from her. This has been very important in keeping us together- so far. I still come online here and at a coupl of other forums and I also occasionally go out and meet other girls face to face whish has been very reassuring though scary the first time.

All I can say is that we've made it though almost a whole year now, we shop together, i am not the arsehole I used to be and she has even picked out clothes or outfits for me, but has met Fiona only once.

It takes time girls, it takes being open to letting other help you and your other half and to those of you who are wondering what it is that scares a GG about trannies I would reccomend reading My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. No one I've met online keeps her feet on the ground like this lady and is perfectly willing to tell us (Trans People) what effect we have on our friends and family- while 110% supporting us at the same time!! Don't let your wife read it straight away though, you must read it first, it is the only hope you will have of really getting an insight into how a GG partner feels. It isn't easy reading at times.

Sorry for the long epistle girls, I won't advise any one to any particular course of action all I can do is tell my story and say where I found support.

Fiona
xx