"Not in my backyard"

[Briana90802]

For those of you in the closet and who have come out help me to understand the frame of mind. I was reading a post recently about testing the weather with the fiancée and I was wondering why full disclosure wasn't sooner. I'm not completely insensitive, I told my gf soon to be wife near the beginning of our relationship and I must say it was the hardest thing I ever did(she being the first person I ever told). I can say this I'm glad I didn't wait. The reason you should tell her sooner rather than later is as follows.

My thinking is this: if you live in city and they want to build a nuclear power plant everyone's like "not in my backyard." however, you might be more accepting of a nuclear plant if it were built there before moved to that city.

I'm not unsympathetic, I understand how hard it is to tell a loved one because of the possible consequences. But think about how much you have to gain. Honestly I think most of time they're upset not because we dressed but because we didn't tell them to begin with.

There are so many great ways to find out how receptive a SO is on this site it's a wonder why we haven't all come out.

[Persephone]

Great post, Briana!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[kimdl93]

alas many of the people on this site couldn't come out early to an SO, because to a great extent, they didn't know what to think of themselves. Cross dressing - at least the recongnition and aceptance of ourselves as cross dressers - is an evoluntionary process. We may start out as curious about women's undies, then expiriment with panty hose, and later start underdressing on a regular basis. One day you want to dress completely, and pretty soon, you want to be able to live a larger percentage of your life en femme. I know we often repress or deny this part of ourselves, but over time our understanding and definition of "self" changes. Its hard to come out if you don't know you are in a closet.

[juno]

I don't really think of it that way. It is not the panic of being slammed with something serious after you are in a committed relationship. It is that this revelation is followed by total destruction of any trust in you. For a women, dishonesty is one of the worst relationship destroyers. If you can keep that huge secret, how does she know you didn't have sex with her sister just last night? When a woman has zero trust in a man, it is over.

Whenever you tell them, there is a chance of the relationship ending. The longer you wait, the chance of disaster just goes up, and the level of devastation is that much worse.

[Gerrijerry]

It is only now. with the onset of computers and the net. that we are starting to realize that there are many of us out there.
Before that. most CD or TS girls didn't even know what they were and all they understood was that something was different in them then most others. Comming out to anyone was simple not done especially wives and GF. You hid what you felt. Today we understand more get support from each other and realized that none of it is bad just not fully understood yet. So many still have a hard time telling others due to fear. One day I don't know how far in the future. Everyone will simply not care what you wear. Each year more and more come out of the closet at an earlier age things are changing. until then, our love ones will mostly see us as an embarresment. Change is always scary and we all represent a major change in past norms.

[VioletJourney]

I agree. It seems to me that most of the problems with coming out arise from the fact that they thought they knew you but find out this big secret and don't know who you are anymore. In fact that's exactly what my brother said.

[Deanna B]

hi honey . yes i do agree with you but i was married for 9 years and when i worked out what i was . then i told my wife luckily she was ok a bit with it as i sit here with my new today dress on and my wife next to me . have fun take care love deanna b xx

[sissystephanie]

Congratulations, Brianna, you did exactly what needed to be done! I told my late wife when I proposed to her, and we had almost 50 happy years together.

The problem that I think many crossdressers have is that they haven't accepted the fact that they are crossdressers!! It would really be hard to tell someone you love that you are a CD when you don't really believe that you don't really believe that you are!!

I think Deanna's post says just what I am talkling about. It apparently took Deanna 9 year to decide that he was a crossdresser!! The question is, WHY??

[Briana90802]

I understand the dilemma of being confused about the whole sexuality and finding out who you are inside, but we have loved ones that know us best and given the opportunity I think our SO's could help us on our path to self discovery. Every person has a skeleton in their closet which he or she chooses to forget whether through embarrassment or guilt, but to allow that secret to eat you alive and tear down the relationship you've worked hard to establish isn't being fair to yourself.

The bottom line becomes do you let your secret bring you and SO closer together or tear you apart?

how to test the water

The "Fairness" discussion
We all know this one. Ask her what her thoughts are on if it's fair that a woman can wear men's clothes and it's considered sexy, but if a man wears women's clothes he's considered a pervert. (or worse)

The "Proud Parent" technique
When I was 8 my sister and I played dress up and I wore a leotard and leggings and went downstairs where my dad was watching tv. I prances around for a bit before he called me over and sat me down and said, "son, no matter what you do in life I will always love you and you will always be my son."
Ask your SO if the two of you should ever have a child and that child was gay, lesbian, cd or what ever, would you love them any less?

The "Guy stuff is soooo boring" comparative
We've all had this thought. Why not tell our SO? Just say, "guys clothes are boring." women's clothes has color, great variety, and best of all feel so soft. I'm sure they will agree with you because it's so true. Then just casually mention you wish you had clothes that where like that.

The "these pants are chafing my testicles" complaint
Kinda self explanatory there. Then mention that maybe a skirt is conducive to balls than raw ham and eggs.

The "I'm worried I'm not gay" talk
No offense to those who are gay, but go to your SO and tell her you're worried that you might be straight. She'll laugh and ask why, and bam! You tell her you're a crossdresser. Everybody wins!

The "I'm a real man" announcement
Ask her if she thinks you are a real man. Tell her a real man could wear women's clothes and not let it phase him because you ARE a real man. Then prove it to her.

[Karren H]

NIMBY is more like NIMBR..... Not in my Bed Room... She doesn't care if anyone else crossdresses. Just not me.

[juno]

Obviously, you can only share with your wife what you actually know about yourself.

I am different than most. When I married, I was openly interested in feminine things, but not crossdressing. The first time I put on a bra, I showed my wife. The first time I put on makeup, I showed my wife. That is before I got on the internet and learned anything about the transgender community. I just approach marriage with the idea that you are supposed to share EVERYTHING and then you will be able to work through anything together.

[joandher]

When I realized I was different than all the other lads, I thought I was the only person in the world that felt like this,it was also illegal, and if found out you were branded a pervert and put in a mental institute, it wasn't until the internet age that I found out there are millions of us.
How could I tell my wife to be 42 years ago ???, she now excepts my under dressing and does my washing and ironing but even that's taken 8 yrs to develop (baby steps )
She used to say they fascinate me cross dressers until I started she has never said it since (NOT IN MY BACK YARD)


Hugs

J-JAY

[Kaz]

Great advice to the younger of us... sadly many of us on this forum are time challenged and years ago as a teenager when I now realise this all started, I had no idea what a CD or TG was... the internet is a wonderful thing, but it has not been here that long?

Me starting over... yes I agree.. but me at my age and with all the complex relationships I have in my family, social and business lives... I am sorry, I am one of those...

[Briana90802]

Sometimes I read posts and I'm confounded by some actions. People are always asking us why we crossdress when shouldn't the real question be, "what do you have against crossdressers?" Afterall we all have the right to the pursuit o happiness. I'd be curious to hear why the SO don't want us to be happy. It's like the whole gay marriage thing. I've heard people say "I think gay people should have the same rights as everyone else, but they can't get married." what are the preconceived reasons why!?

My parents told me that "Because" is not a reason. What are they hiding from?

[Cynthia Anne]

Nicely said! Too bad the innernet wasn't available 40 YEARS AGO!

[Eryn]

Wow, I've never been compared to a nuclear power plant before. I'm flattered!

I agree with Cynthia Anne. I would have avoided a couple of decades of self-doubt/loathing/whatever!

As far as testing the waters, those are all good techniques, but don't use all of them or your spouse will think that you are trying to manipulate her! I think that most of us know our spouses pretty well even without testing the waters but of course there are always surprises, some pleasant and some unpleasant.

[Maria 60]

I think i said this before in another thread but i'll tell it again. When i got married i thought i was never going to wear another piece of woman's cloths again but it was hard when there were drawers full of pantyhose's and slips and dresses and slips everywhere. The first chance i had, i put on her pantyhose and at that point i knew that i could not go on without woman's clothing. So i came clean to her,and she had a few questions but she was very cool about. 25 years later she's still cool about it. It was hard but i'am glade i came clean when i did.

[suchacutie]

At the moment life is wonderful, my feminine side took shape in the presence of my wife after many years of marriage and NO inclination to crossdress before that.

So, if I put myself in the position of being single (said from this comfy vantage point of wedded blis!), I would have no problem talking about my femme self just as would have not trouble talking about anything else that defines me...but....

Right now my gendered selves are completely separate. Only my wife knows both sides of me. The one fear the I can see that could await me in that situation is if I misjudge a potential spouse, tell her about Tina, and she freaks in a way that she goes around telling everyone else. That would certainly end the relationship, but it would change my life in a way that I would not be able to control. So, it seems that the only logical way to come out to a potential spouse is to be ready to come out to everyone!

Very interesting topic!

tina

[xErica]

yes i replayed there i wish i could have told my wife before we got married but was still hiding it from myself at the time. now 5 years later and the fear of loss is poopy way easer to just get it out there i thank not to mention its never good to start a marriage with lies and secrets.

[Rainie Ford]

When I started dating my wife (GF then) I hadn't crossdressed for several years and didn't even think about it, ok most of the time I didn't think about it. It all started coming back after playing a joke on my wife I had bought a maids out fit and was wearing it when she got home from work, well that started bringing back all the old feelings. I havent come out completly to her but she has seen a few hints of Rainie, shaved legs, hints of makeup, painted nails. I'm not sure how she would react if I came out completly to her.

[t-girlxsophie]

The best decision I made was to disclose everything to my then gf,of course she knew from first time we spoke online that I was a crossdresser,but subsequently I laid everything on the line,didn't miss a thing out as I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.I guess I just became older and wiser,My first marriage ended mostly (but not totally) due to my dressing,and my Inability or was it just sheer refusal to give it up,I was an insensitive jerk and I vowed that I would never put another woman through turmoil like that,no prizes for guessing what approach I would advise anyone to use.

Sophie

[AmyGaleRT]

I was reading a post recently about testing the weather with the fiancée and I was wondering why full disclosure wasn't sooner. I'm not completely insensitive, I told my gf soon to be wife near the beginning of our relationship and I must say it was the hardest thing I ever did(she being the first person I ever told)...

That was me, Briana, and you're quite right, of course. The issue here is with me; I think I'd be less scared of walking into that nuclear plant without a radiation suit than I am of telling her. I added a reply to that thread that covers it a little more.

[erickka]

Right on Bri. Honesty is the best policy right from the get-go. The sooner the better so that the trust factor can manifest itself into a great relationship.

[Briana90802]

That was me, Briana, and you're quite right, of course. The issue here is with me; I think I'd be less scared of walking into that nuclear plant without a radiation suit than I am of telling her. I added a reply to that thread that covers it a little more.

Hang on. I didn't say the issues was your fault. We all have that feeling, the "I can stop dressing" but a few years later the pink fog returns. But what happened to unconditional love?! What happened to "in sickness and in health"? Because metaphorically this is our sickness(well to them it might be, but not to us). Hey we love them even with all the mood swings and menopause, the little white lies about size, the endless conversations with their gf when we just wannna goooo, the constant hunting for gray hair, the fussiness over fuzziness when we could care less, the over exaggeration of the size of a spider, I could go on but you get the picture. Can't they just accept us for who we are?

[kimdl93]

I've also related this before too...but as a cross dresser from childhood, I knew that this "bad" thing lurked inside me. I had worn my sisters pantyhose and panties as a teen - with her knowledge - but hoped that after a stint in the Army that feeling was gone for good. I first married at 21, still in hiatus from dressing when one night, my new wife encouraged me to put on a bra, panties and nylons as a little lesbian fantasy. She knew from my reaction that this was more than a game to me, but she was accepting and we continued to have fun with it through most of our marriage. (CDing really had no part in the divorce...the persistant self hate, repression and associated bouts of anger did). I really didn't learn to understand and accept myself until the divorce forced me into counseling. So, I came out to my new gf (now wife) and enjoy being much more open and honest about who I am. Its better for me and better for her.