Blindsided by my wife!

[Alice B]

That is a real bummer, but in my opinion she is only using this as an excuse.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sad as it may be! All I can say is! We are the lucky ones! For having you to fight for our freedom! We all owe you more then we can ever think of repaying! The one thing you can count on is our friendship! For it is a love forever without end! Thank you!
With love,
Your sister
Cynthia!

[GG Kathy]

I'm sorry she feels that way. I do agree with waiting to cool down o talk to her. I hope you can find happiness with or without her. It could also just be she's missing you, angry and needs to vent. Either way I want to thank you for your service.

[TGMarla]

Obviously, she's had a lot of time to think about this. Don't etch it in stone just yet. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. But there's an old saying: The soup is never eaten as hot as it's cooked. I'm sure you're just stewing right now, but let's see what a few days or a week brings. Let us know if we can help.

[Tracy Lynn]

Sorry you have to go through this sweetie You`re not alone here.

[PretzelGirl]

I am with Marla. Can you talk with here about keeping it at a separation for now and for a period of time when you get back? It would be hard to convince anyone that the deployments are not a factor. If you two are still best of friends, a legal separation should not be a big deal. And then you would be back where the two of you will be face to face. That gives you the opportunity to get counseling, talk it out, examine your feelings with each other, whatever. But trying to examine a relationship and working on it from a distance is quite a chore. If you still have strong feelings, talk it out with her and see if you can get a chance to get all the true issues to the surface.

[kittypw GG]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did she say why she wants to start the process now, rather than wait the 2 1/2 months until you get back?

?

Look why is it so hard to believe that it is the crossdressing??? THis life is not for everyone. She has had time to live without this hanging over her head for some time now so she might be experiencing an increase in anxiety of his comming home and living with this "elephant in the living room". Maybe she just wants a clean break and felt it was now or never? Unfortunatly it is not such a good thing to do to you while deployed but perhaps she just can't do it anymore.

Thanks for your service to our country and I hope you can stay safe, come home and resolve these issues. ~hugs~

[giuseppina]

Hello Kitty,

There is more to this story than just the crossdressing. Sure, it's a convenient scapegoat, but there are almost certainly other factors in DennisGTS's relationship that likely contributed to his wife packing it in. One obvious one is long term absences while he's deployed. The military wife's role is not easy even without the crossdressing.

Hello DennisGTS,

Sorry to hear about this. It wasn't necessary, at least in my mind, to tell you this way. Please stay safe and thanks for serving your country.

[dennisGTS]

Thank you everyone for all your support and advice.

There are so many details and dynamics about our relationship that I can only take everyone's advice with a grain of salt. I've seen military marriages fall apart and end in catastrophy. I've known my wife for over 10 years and I think I have a really good handle on her personality and what she is capable of.

I do think that these past 4 deployments have taken a very huge toll on our marriage but I seriously think that my CDing has a very big role in her departure. Almost 3 years after our marriage is when I finally broke the news to her and she didn't take it lightly. Quite a few counseling sessions later and I thought it might have seriously helped our marrage. Little did I know that her unacceptance of my CDing was eating her from the inside and she never felt the need to express to me what she really felt; an now all that pent up frustration has finally reared it's ugly head. I am defending her to a certian extent because she never knew about my CDing until after we got married.

In the end, we both want what's best for each other. Unfortunately for me, she feels it is best if we go our separate ways so that I can further explore my desire to CD and she not hold me back. Right now, I cannot fathom a life without her but I know that I will eventually get over it and find someone else that will be truly accepting to my desire to CD.

Again, thank you everyone for your support!

[Leelou]

Hi Dennis, I understand what you're saying about having to take advice about your wife and the relationship with a grain of salt since you understand the situation better than we ever could.

So I'll just echo everyone else who has thanked you for your service. Hopefully you can find some support and comfort from your friends here. I truly wish you the best. Be safe. Leelou

[5150 Girl]

Ya know waht, I was out of sorts when my (unsuportive) ex left me (mainly over money though)
However, less than a year later, I found my very supportive Polar Bear. I know it seems devistating right now, but hopfully you'll find somone suportrive. They're out there.

[Lee51964]

first i have to say thank you for my freedom and doing your job and plaese come home safe

I am totaly sorry that she can't live with your secret but I am glad that she is being sivel about everything she could have waited to tell you in person but most people can't call it quits when they are face to face its too hard to tell someone you love I can't be with you
be strong and stay beautiful

Love
Sarah

[Bootsiegalore]

I think she may have found a "greener pasture" and is using this as a scape-goat. Go through cell records when you get home. Everyone I know has been caught by cell phone records. I do not know if NY has at fault or no fault divorce. But if what I mention is true it may help to keep payments at a minimum for spousal support in the event of a divorce - unless you can work it out. My brother-in-law got married and deployed and she cleaned him out and split and filed for divorce all within 6 months.

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

CDing is not the reason for the marriage breakup. There is a deep seated problem that is really causing this conflict. The CDing is just an excuse for her. You both need couples counseling because the CDing was not brought up before now. The ability of families holding together during combat assignments overseas is hard enough and unless you are with that very special person who can roll with the puches, you can look forward to troubles. Different viewpoints because of your's and her experiences and how we interact with the world lead to the need for couples counseling so that communication of what has been going on inside your head and hers. Don't give up. Get to the root of the problem and you may find that the CDing excuse fades away. Just the opinion of another CDer who is being treated for Lupus Profundis and PTSD.
As always;
Phylis (Dr. Phil - the one with the hair)

[Autumndawn]

Thank you for thr sacrifice of time and service. Divorce, and having to deal with all its facets is definitely something a soldier in harms way should not have to face. Personally, it was callous and selfish on her part to do so with her reason.
I pray you stay focused on your duty while your still there, that will keep you alive, and your comrades as well too. Get legal assistance. Being nice, and thinking she'll be nice after dropping that bomb on you, doesn't make sense. Divorce = Law suit. Treat it as such. My two bits. Take care, and God speed to get you back home safe.

[NicoleScott]

There seems to be a lot of denial here that crossdressing can cause a marriage breakup. A lot of experts here say it has to be something else, although they have no way of knowing that. The sad fact is that some wives cannot tolerate a crossdressing husband.

Also, I agree that protecting your interests is a good idea, but cutting off support is starting a battle that doesn't have to happen. Divorces don't have to be a fight and grab for all you can get. Been there, done it right.

[Bobbie Bee]

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. It never ceases to amaze me; Some people just don't have any courage to meet problems or adversity head-on. Be strong and don't let the situation get you down. Time heals all. Oh, and thank you for your service, you are a courageous person in my book.

[tammie]

Dear Dennisa:

My sincere condolances , sounds like a death in the family , perhaps it is, but don't let it be yours or "Dennisa's" .
The truth is hard to find always , in this instance its almost impossible to know it if U see it, and ultimately its irrelevant .

I applaud your desire to "remain friends" , as its almost impossible to tell how U will feel 10 yrs form now , although we as humans R so sure of the future sometimes.

U have achieved the first part , the desire to be friends, desire is the engine that pulls the plan (to remain friends).
My friends said "why would U want to remain friends with that bitch". The truth is I Liked her and admired her and that is why I married with her,

the fact that she threw away our marriage was something that I was unhappy about , but we as humans can disect action from person and hate the action and not the person, as I said U don't know how U will feel 10 yrs from now .

The biggest mine to avoid is between now and when U get this thing done, there will be many times U want to come back and "share" the pain U R feeling.So bite yhour tongue and remember she will be influenced by GG girlfriends who will be telling her "bla bla bla" and "U should do bla bla bla"

so things may change and she may become less "reasonable", don't fall into this trap of discussing or blaming her friends (she will protect them)

Also some nite (the worst time to discuss things or make decisions) , also when tired or distracted (like being in a combat zone) if she says something hurtful or feels like she is trying to start an argument, she is and U should say goodnight.

I am not saying it will be easy or fair or "feel right" at the time but know in your haert sir U R allowed to be who U R despite her judgement of U .

Perhaps its not because of your CDing or maybe it is. The most accurate assessment is that it is for many diverse reasons and CDing is of course one of the top picks by all observers.

If U were not a CDer, if U had not been deployed for more than 2 weeks , if U were not too tall, too short ,too fat ,too skinny , too dumb, too smart, too caring or too distant , or whatever reason she has to justify leaving your marriage,

It may have failed anyways so whatever U do , don't beat hyourself up over this .

Do however realize that U R at a higher risk now of , some dangerous outcomes, from being distracted by a gnawing doubt and deep pain that seemingly will just not let up .

The only fix is to trust in a higher entity, to watch and guide U (if U so desire and request) U know the drill , and the application of what my fav professor used to call "the tincture of time".

At least U know there R others who can understand what is happening to U , and that U R not alone in this.
Good Luck to U troop