Blindsided by my wife!

[dennisGTS]

10 years of marriage as of May - I'm currently deployed to Afghanistan - and just a few days ago, my wife tells me that our marriage is over cause of my CDing. Not only is this deployment stressful enough, she drops this bombshell on me 2 1/2 months before I redeploy back to the US.

I have no other outlet but this forum cause nobody else knows that I CD except her. She tells me that this deployment (our 4th together) has given her some time to think and realize that she cannot live with a CDer. This was devistating news to me since I had no idea she truly felt this way and that I never knew that this divorce was coming.

She says that she still wants to be friends cause she still loves and adores me but cannot live with my secret for the rest of her life. Until my anger and emotions calm down, I don't know if I can still be friends with her...although, she has been (IS) my bestfriend. The good thing though, is that she is not going to "clean me out" since our parting is not on an anger filled sour note.

I guess, when I get back, I'll have all the time in the world to CD since I don't have to hold back when she's home...but the thought of not being with her for the rest of my life is still so depressing...

[Adriennegrl]

Oh no... I hate to hear that, I can only imagine how this must feel. We're here for you and good luck w/ your deployment too.

[celeste26]

Did you ever consider it important to tell the one you loved about your CDing? You wrote that you never knew her attitude about CDing so I'm guessing that you never did it in front of her either. Sounds to me like so many other cases of the CD "lack of communication" and sadly so many of them end up in divorce. So you're not the only one and while that is poor consolation, it does mean that you're not alone in this.

I hope that next time you honor your G/F and tell her as the relationship gets serious. Then she can make that decision prior to spending 10 years, with all the proper information she can choose to enter a relationship or not freely. Enough said?

Stay safe DennisGTS and make it back all in one piece.

[Iskandra]

Did you ever consider it important to tell the one you loved about your CDing? You wrote that you never knew her attitude about CDing so I'm guessing that you never did it in front of her either. Sounds to me like so many other cases of the CD "lack of communication" and sadly so many of them end up in divorce. So you're not the only one and while that is poor consolation, it does mean that you're not alone in this.

I hope that next time you honor your G/F and tell her as the relationship gets serious. Then she can make that decision prior to spending 10 years, with all the proper information she can choose to enter a relationship or not freely. Enough said?

Stay safe DennisGTS and make it back all in one piece.

Uhm, I think she knows.. It's the excuse given, so she must know..
Sure you're replying to the right thread?!
As for honour! How about not giving someone a bullsht excuse for a divorce..
How about not doing it long distance, but face to face..
How about not adding stress to a combatants life when stress or distraction in a combat zone can lead to death(s)..

Good luck DennisGTS.. I hope it is something you can discuss when back home, coz frankly it sounds like bigger issues than CDing..
When that happens, be open, be honest and communicate.. Some of the real issues she has might hurt like a motherbitch when you hear them, but suck it up princess warrior! If she means that much to you, you will know what to do to keep her in your life!

I guess, when I get back, I'll have all the time in the world to CD since I don't have to hold back when she's home...

Depends on which you want more.. her or a frilly dress?!

[kimdl93]

CDing may be getting the blame, but its rather a convenient scapegoat. The fact is that you've been away for 4 deployments, something that has been destructive of many marriages. Of course, CDing may be too much for her to handle, but my guess is that the repeated separations were the real issue.

As for the future, no one can tell. I think you're wise to play the divorce low key and avoid recriminations. Whether you can be best friends - not likely - but who can say. But don't let it make you feel you've failed. The marriage failed because we have asked so much of you as soldier. I salute your service and wish you the best in the difficult days ahead.

[JustWendy]

The marriage failed because we have asked so much of you as soldier. I salute your service and wish you the best in the difficult days ahead.

Marriage takes a lot of work and focus. And, perhaps, a reassuring look or touch when doubts creep in. This is difficult under the best of circumstances. It seems like the constant separations that the two of you have had to endure have taken their toll. Perhaps not on the friendship, but certainly on the marriage. I wish I could offer you more than just my thanks for the sacrifices you've made and to hope for you that there are better days ahead.

Wendy

[Suzy Parker]

First of all Thank You for your service.

I truly hope once you return you can reconcile this and stay together. I cannot imagine parting with my wife of 26 years. I plan to have the talk soon but it scares the hell out of me to even think about having this break us up.

Good Luck

[Marie-Elise]

Sorry to read about your marriage. Take comfort in the fact that you will grieve, you will get over it, you will live on to love another woman.

[Kaz]

The title of the thread does it for me... there are somethings you don't expect, and when they hit... they hit hard?

[GG Kathy]

I'm sorry she feels that way. I do agree with waiting to cool down o talk to her. I hope you can find happiness with or without her. It could also just be she's missing you, angry and needs to vent. Either way I want to thank you for your service.

[TGMarla]

Obviously, she's had a lot of time to think about this. Don't etch it in stone just yet. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. But there's an old saying: The soup is never eaten as hot as it's cooked. I'm sure you're just stewing right now, but let's see what a few days or a week brings. Let us know if we can help.

[MargoM]

So sorry that is harsh doing that at this time, but it is much deeper than cross dressing I am sure.

[TxKimberly]

I dont know what to say other than I am so sorry . . .

[Sheren Kelly]

I'm so sorry for you. Try to keep from wrapping yourself in anger. She may have disapointed you, but at least she hasn't attacked nor outted you. Perhaps there is someone out there who is looking for you, just as you are.....

[Eryn]

I am so sorry to hear about this. Repeated deployments have destroyed so many relationships.

CDing isn't the issue. It's been months since CDing has affected her at all! It's a convenient thing to hang over your head to make sure that you don't cause her any problems.

My cynical side says that she will likely "find" a new love interest remarkably soon after the ink is dry on the divorce. When the cat's away...

[sissystephanie]

Dennis, first of all Thank you for your service to our country. I did my time during the Korean War, and married after I was discharged!! For her to pick this time is, to me at least, a sign that she has other things planned!! It will be good if you can remain friends, but I do suspect that there is more to come! We are here for you, and pray that you will stay safe!!

[Tracy Lynn]

Sorry you have to go through this sweetie You`re not alone here.

[NatieBe]

First I would like to say I'm sorry things have gone South for you....as a former senior active duty member (20yrs), I have seen this happen time and time again...for a variety of reason and the closeness to your deployment date really raises my well plucked eye brow. My cynical side like Eryn's is saying something else. You say she's not going to "Clean you out "...I've heard those words before...Ouch! that hurt $$. Truely I'm not being mean or disrespectful...I know the hard road ahead...but PLZ !!! Protect your future and get some Good legal advice. Your wife IS probably a wonderful women...but ....My $.02 Plz be care over there and THX for your service...God Bless... XO's Natie

[Jill Devine]

As several girls said, there's more to this than the dressing. I guess being apart for so long so many times can take a toll on any relationship.

Sorry to hear.

[suchacutie]

Thank you for your service to all of us.

I'm disappointed in your wife that she would drop this on you while you are deployed. On the other hand, now that you know you at least have the forwarning to protect your assets. I agree with others that the CDing is convenient. If it was the CDing she would have told you before you left. It takes tremendous faith and dedication to maintain a marriage with so much separation, and it appears that she just didn't have it.

There are women who do.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it may look like a tremendous loss right now, but time will help with perspective.

Be safe, be careful, and protect yourself in all ways.

Tina

[heatherdress]

What is really important is to take care of yourself. Deal with your depression and pain. GET HELP from assets available downrange. You can get throught this and work out problems you can't control later. Lots of Service members have trouble with spouses and girlfriends when deployed. You are not alone. Talk to someone - the chaplain is a good place to start. You do not have to go into any personal details. They will understand. Deployments are very hard. GET HELP. You can't afford to be depressed where you are. Don't blame yourself. You have had 4 deployments most likely in the past 5 or 6 years. You are separated and in harms way. It is not unusual for a spouse to get tired of worrying, tired of being alone. Who wouldn't be thinking about ending their marriage? You wife says she loves you and adores you. Hang on to that. Many married guys never hear that. You may be able to address her concerns when you get back. Maybe you need a new occupation when you finish your duty. You have my thanks for what you have done, but you have done enough. There are a lot of jobs for Veterans. Maybe that's where you start to rebuild. Maybe living in a private neighborhood instead of a military post would help. Maybe some new boundaries in your relationship. Maybe some compromises. Maybe a lot of other things. She may feel different in 2 1/2 months. Maybe not. But for now, take care of yourself. GET HELP that you can confide in. Thanks for your service to our country.

[5150 Girl]

CDing isn't the issue. It's been months since CDing has affected her at all! It's a convenient thing to hang over your head to make sure that you don't cause her any problems.

My cynical side says that she will likely "find" a new love interest remarkably soon after the ink is dry on the divorce. When the cat's away...

This was my first thoughts as well. CDing makes a good excuse to keep you quiet in a divorve, as you're in the military, I'm guessing you want to keep this CD thing quiet. But at the end of the day, if she's a vindictive person, she'll likely out you anyway.
Whereas you're wawy alot, I'm guessing she's cut a pony from the herd, and while she may not be riding him yet, she's likely taken the saddle out of the barn.

[GaleWarning]

There is nothing you can do about it until you get back home, so concentrate on getting back safely.
If you do split up, know that life goes on and you will meet someone better down the line.

Meanwhile, try to find out from friends and family what REALLY is going on.
Knowledge is strength.

My heart goes out to you.

[kristinacd55]

So sorry to hear of this, but your situation with your wife sounds a like how it was with mine. My wife found out about 4 years ago, and she was the only one who knew also. She felt like I dragged her into the closet with me. I was sympathetic but I wasn't going out myself so we were in there together.
Fast forward to this year and I started going out to support meetings, shopping with a friend, and going to clubs occasionally. Really, this wasn't fair to my wife so she told my sister in law with my approval. And, 3 weeks ago I told our daughters (25 & 20). Now, we both have our closest family members in the loop and things have improved greatly. We've been together 36 years.....will it save our marriage? That remains to be seen.
Good luck to you and God Bless you for your service as well!

[mercterr]

Wow. I don't even know what to say. First, thank you for going into harms way for the rest of us. Please just keep your head up for the next 2 1/2 months and get home safe. There is not a lot you can do about this until then. Maybe you can fix this, maybe not. I suspect she is using the crossdressing as the excuse, but it may be the separation and fear of losing you on a daily basis. I don't know but you can deal with it when you're back home. Good luck. stay safe.