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Thread: Blindsided by my wife!

  1. #26
    Senior Member Debglam's Avatar
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    Deployments stress the best of marriages. I know, I've been there. This may work itself out but if it doesn't it may be for the best. Try your best to not stress out over this (yeah, easier said then done!) and take care of yourself. You have a lot of friends here and for what it is worth, when one door closes, another opens.

    Deb
    Last edited by Debglam; 07-28-2011 at 07:36 PM.

  2. #27
    Senior Member 5150 Girl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    CDing isn't the issue. It's been months since CDing has affected her at all! It's a convenient thing to hang over your head to make sure that you don't cause her any problems.

    My cynical side says that she will likely "find" a new love interest remarkably soon after the ink is dry on the divorce. When the cat's away...
    This was my first thoughts as well. CDing makes a good excuse to keep you quiet in a divorve, as you're in the military, I'm guessing you want to keep this CD thing quiet. But at the end of the day, if she's a vindictive person, she'll likely out you anyway.
    Whereas you're wawy alot, I'm guessing she's cut a pony from the herd, and while she may not be riding him yet, she's likely taken the saddle out of the barn.

  3. #28
    The 100th sheep GaleWarning's Avatar
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    There is nothing you can do about it until you get back home, so concentrate on getting back safely.
    If you do split up, know that life goes on and you will meet someone better down the line.

    Meanwhile, try to find out from friends and family what REALLY is going on.
    Knowledge is strength.

    My heart goes out to you.

  4. #29
    Junior Member michelle2020cd's Avatar
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    I am so sorry, thanks so much for your service

  5. #30
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    DennisGTS, I am so sorry to read this but, if you are still friends, I am sure you can get her to join you with a counselor. Once she hears that cross dressing is just a place on the sexual spectrum and not terribly unique, she may open her mind. Talking is the only option.

  6. #31
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    Hi Dennis, sorry to hear your sad news. Though it comes at a bad time, at least you have time to prepare. If the military is your career, you have likely been gone away from her a lot of that time--your deployments equal how many years==4? A military wife needs something most women don't have and perhaps yours does not have it either. It is stressful on both sides. Try not to get too occupied with this , your safety is more important now, and you can address a bit at a time until you get home. If TG is going toward TS, it may be a blessing in disguise. It will also give you a chance to start in hopefully a new way when you get home. Wishing you the best, stay safe

  7. #32
    Senior Citizen Mary Morgan's Avatar
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    This is a very sad and difficult situation. As others have said watch out for yourself over there and deal with this when you get back. Sounds like there are a number of possible issues including the long periods of your absence. God bless you and thank you for your service. This points out clearly that there are many costs of serving ones country.

  8. #33
    Member adrienner99's Avatar
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    How awful for her to throw this at you now. Even if deployment is hard on the families at home--and of course it is--this is just not fair. She could have waited....

    But it also the risk we all take when we Tell Someone. My wife has never left me--because I have never told her of my CDing...and the secrecy and hiding are awful. So I don't know which way is better... I pray for your safe return and I thank you for your service. Please just stay safe and focus on your survival over there. You can work on this when you get home.

  9. #34
    Member Charona's Avatar
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    I would also suggest a trip to the base Legal Officer for advice. Don't wait till you get home.
    "But what is Truth? Is Truth unchanging law?
    We both have truths - are mine the same as yours?"

  10. #35
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    Dennis, let me start by saying that I am terribly sorry to hear that your wife has dropped this bomb on you. I also want to express my sincerest thanks to you for your service to this country. I have followed your adventures and exploits for many years now. I was Joe_Panties over at PantiesEtc., one of the first 100 members there, and also an early member at MWWP several years before that. I have read every one of your posts over the years mainly because your adventures and life mirrored mine in so many ways. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling right now, but I can guess that it is beyond words. My ex-wife was very much against my CD'ing as well. In time our relationship hit a very similar end, and there was the words of lets continue to be friends, but it was not to be. Ultimately she went and found someone else. She then raked me across the coals by using me and my secret as fodder for her character assassination of me to her friends. I know she did it to garner the pity of them and make herself look good. That hurt. In time though, the hurt faded. Her memory faded. I eventually met someone who was very accepting of my desire to CD on the side. I have never been happier. You too, in time, will find a true happiness. A balance will finally come into your life and all will be right. Back in the days of MWWP and PantiesEtc I did not post much at all, but I was there reading every day. Your post today brought me out of the shadows. I hope that my words, and the words of the others here, help bring even a tiny bit of comfort in this trying time. Take care my friend, be safe, the sun will rise again.

  11. #36
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    From one old Vet (Viet-Nam) to another; If you do not have children, cut off the spouse allowance as
    soon as you can. She can not get a divorce while you are deployed. The old Deer John Rule.
    Ask for a lawyer in your unit, maybe some one in the JAG unit.
    You do not have to tell him about your CDing, but he can advise you on your legal rites, as
    well as protecting you from her taking you to the cleaners. I have seen it done before, no matter
    How Nice she seams, Money is still Money.
    Rader

  12. #37
    Aspiring Member Danni Renee's Avatar
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    First and I know it is hard to do but keep your eye on what you are doing over there. I fully understand relationship difficulties during a deployment and I know how stressful they can be - I lost my marriage to deployments to Iraq. You are not the first this has happened too. I do have better news than most as my ex-wife and I still maintain a friendship and made an amicable split. She did not know about my dressing until after the divorce so it did not impact anything but yours might. I do recommend you talk to your leadership about what you have to provide her versus what she may want you to provide - you still have legal rights. You also have to protect yourself and your future and I am sure there are people in your unit that can give you better advice. Treating her nice now may keep you friends but don't so so at the risk of coming home broke and no place to live.

    Danielle
    I'M FREE, I'M FREE! I GET TO BE ME!

  13. #38
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    Its sad to hear about this, you're a long way from home in a far away place, not the time to hear this. You are not in much of a position to do any thing about this except to get some legal counsel, and if this is a career you've got to tread lightly. It's amazing she tells you this considering where you are, but it is what it is. Danni has some good advice, cant say anything else except best of luck from a SE Asian vet, and not far from H2O.

  14. #39
    Aspiring Member Nadia-Maria's Avatar
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    I'm convinced you will find a new wife, better than this one, more proud and accepting of you as you are : a brave soldier, a loving husband, etc.
    Most probably she didn't deserve you.
    Hugs

  15. #40
    One Perky Goth Gurl Pythos's Avatar
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    You are deployed....IN A WAR ZONE. You are serving your country in "defense of freedom" (at least that is the meme), and your wife pulls this? What an absolute load of crap!!!

    Talk to her...calmly. There is something else in the mix. Another man, a nosey neighbor, and so on. Or perhaps she is using your CDing as the "obvious" excuse to get out of a military marriage. Or if you are not in the military, a marriage where their SO is continuously in foriegn lands.

    Don't just let this happen like this. You two need to talk, and the two of you need to attend counselling.
    "I am not altogether on anyone's side as no one is all together on my side"
    Tree beard. Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers.

  16. #41
    Member Fractured's Avatar
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    Everyone has chimed in with what I may have been able to contribute. I wish you the best.

  17. #42
    Truth, Love, Freedom Angiemead12's Avatar
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    I do hope you find the strength to carry on in your redeployment.

  18. #43
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Separation during military service is stressful as you say. It has been that way for as long as time. First I want to say that I am very sorry you have been treated this way. It is through no fault or your own that you have to be half a world away at this time. Hopefully soon you can come home and stay home. Giving your time and service is a great sacrifice. One that she shared I am sure but now finds too great a burden.

    I don't think I would put too much credibility in her using the CDing as the real reason though. Having been in the Army, I saw this a lot when someone was deployed and it had nothing to do with anything more than having time on their hands and finding a new outlet.

    I wish you luck and I hope you come home soon
    The earth is the mother of all people and all people should have equal rights upon it.
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    “Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” - Fred Rogers,

  19. #44
    Member Ria's Avatar
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    That sucks... You know, you seem like a strong person and your post indicates your positive mental attitude shining through. Better to find out her feelings now while you're still young right? Goes to show that we all run a risk of this kind of thing happening.

    My wife seems somewhat supportive but I'm careful not to over expose her to it. I wan't her to have the man she married and not give her reasons to reassess her choice but you never know what may be going on deep down?

  20. #45
    Diamond Member Persephone's Avatar
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    Oh damn, Dennis! My heart goes out to you. What a crappy situation.

    So many thoughts are running through my mind. Thoughts about trying to express how high I hold you in regard for being a real hero, for doing what you do, for enduring miserable conditions, and for protecting all of us. And then there are thoughts about how you've been blindsided.

    There really is no good way to type "Dennis, I care," and to let you know that it is heartfelt. All I can say is that I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers and that I believe that you will make it through this difficult time and that life will get better.

    Hugs and Prayers,
    Persephone.
    "If you are living the life you want to live you've successfully transitioned to being the person you want to be." - Eryn.

    "If you truly care about me you should damn well want for me what I want for myself" - Michael Westen (Burn Notice)

    -.-. --.-/-.-. --.-/-.-. -../ Persephone™ and Persephone™ are trademarks of Persephone herself, accept no substitutes. The terms "en femme" and "en drab" originated with Marcia Sampson/Staylace (OBM).

  21. #46
    amy wanagione's Avatar
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    I'm sorry about your marrage, and thank you so very much for your service to us all. As for your wife, I think there may be more to it than the CDing. It very well may be an excuse for other things. We, both know how hard it is to live with this and keeping it hidden, sometimes there is just to much to loose ot let it out. It may be even harder for her because she can't even talk about it with her friends. When you return try to work it out, see if there is anything else that is really the cause of this breakup. My prayers and with you.

  22. #47
    Silver Member Inna's Avatar
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    Dennis, I am so sorry about your ordeal especially adding to already extreme stress situation. My love goes out to you as well to your wife. No words will calm your sorrow, I know, I have been there but truth is such that sometimes it hurts so bad before it feels sooooo good. I know you will be fine and whats more I believe you will be able to embrace fully who you really are.

    Love Inna.

  23. #48
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did she say why she wants to start the process now, rather than wait the 2 1/2 months until you get back?

    As others have suggested, I wonder if there are other issues than the CDing that are spurring her on. Would she agree to not do anything until you do get back?
    Reine

  24. #49
    Aspiring Member SamanthaS's Avatar
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    I hope things work out for you either way, but I really feel your pain. Ten years is a long time. Why she couldn't wait until you get back is beyond me. A distracted soldier, is a dead soldier. Please try to keep your head in the game while your over there

  25. #50
    Member anonymousinmaryland's Avatar
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    What a kick in the arse. Great. A hand grenade from home. Stay safe.

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