BF doesn't want to share crossdressing with me

[Eryn]

You've received some wonderful advice. All I can say is that the more that he knows about CDing the more comfortable he will be with himself and you. It's very strange to think that the CDer can be ignorant about CDing, but that is often the case. I consider myself fairly well-educated, but I left myself ignorant of CDing for decades! Guilt can do that.

Learn all that you can, share your knowledge with your BF, and encourage him to research it himself. When ready there a lot of friends here waiting to welcome your BF!

Oh, and your BF has one heck of a GF!

[Sandra]

I believe that for you to join FAB your BF must also be a member of the public forums.

No he doesn't........

[Vickie_CDTV]

I agree with docrobsherry, there are a number of red flags. In addition to the fantasizing about being with men, there is the "I wish I was born a woman" thing. I greatly commend you for your understanding of your boyfriend, but remember you need to look out for yourself too. Go get therapy for him or whatever is necessary so you two can straighten out whether or not he is gay, bi and/or a TS before you get married (and please do so before having children together.) You have a right to know before you commit of where he is and what he plans to do; remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO.)

[Sandra]

remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO

Really this marriage has lasted for 24 years this year, and there is more couples on this forum who are happily married. I don't believe in sugar coating things but saying this to a new GG who is trying to understand her SO, sounds like you are dooming them to fail before they even start.

[ReineD]

remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO.)

I agree with Sandra. We do get threads started by CDers whose wives want to hear nothing of this, and it makes sense these CDers are here seeking support and also these are the threads that people remember.

But we also have many, quieter threads, pages long when the question has been asked, of CDers whose wives are supportive and it is such a non-issue in their lives that the wives don't feel the need to join here for support.

The CDing is just a normal part of my relationship with my SO and it is not at all an issue for either of us.

[sara_s26]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ. I am really hopeful that as long as he can remain honest and forth coming about his needs, wants and desires that we can work it out. I love him and he says I am stuck with him for life...lol..

We talked last night some more and I let him know for a second time now how much I love all of who he is, that it doesn't make him less of a person, less of a man, that I think it could be something we work into our life together instead of it being something he hides and is ashamed of. I think it makes him feel good to hear those things but it doesn't seem to damper his fears in sharing this part of his life with me. He also said that he feels like this is a small part of his life and that it will never be a bigger part of who he is. I said that I thought that could change, that you never know what the future holds and yet he seems to be dead set on the idea that it will never be bigger than it is now. I also let him know that the cyber stuff was not something I felt like I could deal with for life. He said he will respect that and come up with something else as an outlet. He refused to entertain ideas of something that includes me. I suggested dressing and masterbating alone..don't know if that is something he will go for. I could live with that option and just hope he won't be keeping the cyber thing a secret in the future. This is something I really wanna work on in therapy.

I am really hoping that going to the therapy togther will be a way to break down some walls or at least start to..or that maybe she will be able to help us negotiate some boundaries or activites in which he can include me in the future.

Loving the support, words of wisdom and things to consider from all of you. Many thanks!

[kimdl93]

Sara, I think you've opened every door possible for him - short of therapy. Don't be surprised if he shys away from therapy too. When I was a young adult, my first wife suggested couples therapy and I declined because I knew my cross dressing would come up. Thats how powerful this fear is. It wasn't until my first marriage had collapsed (CDing had little if anything to do with it) that I finally was forced into therapy and forced to acknowledge this part of me.

Perhaps he can keep CDing a small part of his life. If its a choice based on his real needs...fine. But if he is limiting himself out of denial or repression, then it could come back to haunt him and you.

regarding the outcomes of "most TS-GG marriages" I hesitate to generalize. Based on what I've seen here, it seems a significant number of TS-GG marriages that do indeed succeed long term. and among those that succeed there CDing may kept in a DA/DT basis, modest accomodation and tolerance, to enthusiastic suppport and participation.

[ReineD]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ.

Thanks for the update Sara, but I just want to clarify something. You say that your bf is a full time drag queen (DQ), meaning he dresses fully in stage femme outfits and performs?

Sometimes new comers use the term "DQ" as meaning someone who just crossdresses, but I wanted to make sure, since you did say "full time".

[sara_s26]

He's a full on drag queen. Does it for a job, has a stage name and performs for a living. He's awesome.

When we were younger it was just an on and off crossdressing thing and as he got older, came out to his family and friends, then he went into being a DQ. He was always in theater growing up it is the perfect fit for him I think.

[ReineD]

Just to make sure I understand this fully, your SO keeps his stage persona completely separate from his personal life, he looks at it as a job, and otherwise identifies as a straight male. But, at the same time he admits to having some gender ID issues which he is ashamed of and he does not wish to share his more private femme persona with you or anyone else, other than in the past having gone online anonymously pretending to be a girl with other men?

Sorry to be so picky with the definitions, but there are just so many ways that someone can be transgender, I think it's important for us to get as complete a picture as possible, in order to share any meaningful advice.

[sara_s26]

Oh wait, I mean my best friend is a drag queen..not my S.O..lol..

My best friend is a gay drag queen and I think having him in my life makes it easier for me to accept my S.O. needing and wanting to cross dress...hope that clears it up.

[ReineD]

Oh OK. LOL

I got confused for a moment.


... have you ever thought of bringing your SO to see your best friend perform?

[sara_s26]

We've talked about it..my boyfriend says he'll go. It would be a great time.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Really this marriage has lasted for 24 years this year, and there is more couples on this forum who are happily married. I don't believe in sugar coating things but saying this to a new GG who is trying to understand her SO, sounds like you are dooming them to fail before they even start.

There are always exceptions of course, but in most cases I have known over the years it doesn't work out in the end. I should clarify that I meant a TS who opts to go on HRT, goes fulltime, and has SRS etc.

I don't mean to sound like I am dooming them to failure, I am just urging caution on her part. She has a right to know exactly what she is getting herself into since, after all, her happiness is just as important as his.

[busker]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ. I am really hopeful that as long as he can remain honest and forth coming about his needs, wants and desires that we can work it out. I love him and he says I am stuck with him for life...lol..

We talked last night some more and I let him know for a second time now how much I love all of who he is, that it doesn't make him less of a person, less of a man, that I think it could be something we work into our life together instead of it being something he hides and is ashamed of. I think it makes him feel good to hear those things but it doesn't seem to damper his fears in sharing this part of his life with me. He also said that he feels like this is a small part of his life and that it will never be a bigger part of who he is. I said that I thought that could change, that you never know what the future holds and yet he seems to be dead set on the idea that it will never be bigger than it is now. I also let him know that the cyber stuff was not something I felt like I could deal with for life. He said he will respect that and come up with something else as an outlet. He refused to entertain ideas of something that includes me. I suggested dressing and masterbating alone..don't know if that is something he will go for. I could live with that option and just hope he won't be keeping the cyber thing a secret in the future. This is something I really wanna work on in therapy.

I am really hoping that going to the therapy togther will be a way to break down some walls or at least start to..or that maybe she will be able to help us negotiate some boundaries or activites in which he can include me in the future.

Loving the support, words of wisdom and things to consider from all of you. Many thanks!

That means that you are always out of the loop. That truly is a red flag, I think.

[Maddie22]

Hi Sara,

I think you two are already making some great progress. While I have yet to be in the situation where I've told a SO (although that could be changing in the not too distant future, in which case I'll be here looking for advice) I would have to agree that seeking counseling together, taking the situation slow, and having open communication will help out getting to point where he is comfortable around you, and perhaps dress with you.

In the case of the online chatting he does, I'm going to be the first person on here that takes a bit of an opposite opinion on this matter. I don't see it as a red flag per-se. Just because he was chatting with another man taking the female role doesn't mean he wants to be female and start being with men. He maybe taking this role because he is acting out in fantasy online what he would like the female to be with him in real life. Perhaps why he doesn't want to involve you at this time with this side of things could be similar to why he is a little shy to open up and dress in front of you as well.

In addition, just because he thought he should be born female doesn't mean he is going to transition. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born in Europe, doesn't mean I want to move there.

I'm not trying to dismiss anything anyone has said so far to you, but rather trying to shed a different light on the subject.

More than likely he is scared to open up because he is scared of losing you, just give him some time and eventually it'll all come together.

Keep having your open mind, and I hope things work out for the best!

One last thing, taking him to your best friend's drag show, in my opinion, would be a great way to venture out with him dressed for both you. I love going to a good drag show, they are so much fun, and no one is judging anyone.

[Iskandra]

Perhaps he would consider chatting to you online when enfemme? I'm not talking cyber, but general girl talk..
The fact that it is less confrontational might make it easier for him..

But there is of course the possibility that it's more about the sexual kink to him than wanting to do and talk about general girly stuff! That the fantasy doesn't involve other women, like he doesn't want you involved, perhaps female involvement ruins the 'kink' for him, but he can't openly say that without feelings being hurt..
"another fine mess you've gotten us into Stan".. (to quote Laurel and Hardy)
Good luck with it Sara... Truely hope it works out for you..

[Shelly67]

Hmmmm . Could be miles off target here but perhaps some crossdressers prefer to stay out of sight and mind due to one factor . Being laughed at , passable or not .
Some issues with people no matter how trivial or important , well , the more we try to approach theyre ways of life or concious beliefs , the more we drive them into silence .


May I ask , have you tried a very understanding letter to ease your questions and worry ?

[Raychel]

Here is my take on this.

We are all taught that this is wrong from the moment that we first try on any item of the womens wardrobe. Shunned by family members, society, friends. Divorces have be directly related to crossdressing. Crossdressers have been totally pushed out of families, and some have even gone so far as to commit suicide, from the depression and outcasting.

So with all this in mind, it is very difficult for some of us to be totally open and dress in front of anyone. For the fear of the rath of the world.

When I first told my wife oof my crossdressing, she was very troubled by all of this. It certainly was not a good time in our marriage. But we managed to get thru it. She is a wonderful woman and is just starting to help me buy some outfits. She has said in the past that she would rather not ever see me dressed. Fair enough,

You SO may be fearful of some or all of these things, He may also be fearful that you may see him as less of a man, because he like to dress in womens clothes. It will take alot of reassurance and comforting from you to over come this. It no doubt will be a very slow process and may take years. Remember this has been drilled into his head as being wrong for alot of years. It may take a while to de-program him, But with time and enough re-enforcement from you it can happen. If you are truely commited to this man and he to you, You can overcome this and life a long happy life together.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think that the first three things a woman would want to know when she discovers that her SO is a crossdresser are:

1. Is it crossdressing or are you gay, i.e., are you sexually attracted to men or women?
2. Are tou a transexual, i.e., do you feel like you are a woman in a man's body)?
3. Do tou want to transition, i.e., do you want to be a woman?

I get the feeling that your BF is not in a position to answer any of those questions. Or maybe worse, he does know and is not confiding in you. That's where a therapist might be able to help.

From your point of view, you need to decide if the answers to any of those questions are deal breakers.

It's also possible that his online excursions are ways of achieving his fantasies.

I have a lot of fantasies, but I know in my heart that they are just that: fantasies, I would not actually carry them on IRL.

I think most women would consider an online relationship, of whatever form, cheating. I'm not saying that it is or isn't, but you need to determine for yourself whether it is or isn't.

[Leelou]

I strongly agree with Steffi and Maddie. I don't think that we need to assume that the online stuff is a "Red Flag" as many have suggested. We have had countless threads here discussing sexuality as it relates to crossdressing. There are many, many straight crossdressers that fantasize about being with a guy when dressed as a woman--me included. But I have never, and will never, act it out in real life--because I'm straight! I think it's very likely that may be where your BF is, because he's told you he's only attracted to women.

Anyway, you sound wonderful and thanks for the updates. Your BF is very lucky to have you. Best of luck to you both.

[ReineD]

I also agree that having had past cybersex experiences doesn't mean you are doomed to be kept out of the loop. If he was single when he did this, then it was fair game. The question isn't so much how he expressed his sexuality when he was single, but whether or not he sees you as his primary sexual partner and if he is interested in remaining faithful to you now. He did say he would respect your feelings about not having cybersex.

This is no different in my mind than someone who has had several past casual sexual relationships with women, but who is no longer interested in playing the field now that he is in a committed relationship.

If your SO was planning on hiding anything, I don't think he would have shared his past with you. The importance now is for both of you to keep the channels of communication open with regard to sex, and for him to know that you do want to be the one he goes to, should he experience the urge to explore femininity through sex.

[suchacutie]

I've tried to read all of this very carefully and what comes through to me is that your bf is having trouble working through what it is to be in a truly honest, trusting, faithful, and committed relationship. Every couple has issues to work through and understandings to be made clear. I find it remarkably healthy that the two of you are working on this seriously from the start.

One of the positive aspects of discovering my transgenderedness at a later stage in life was the incredible set of conversations I have had, and continue to have, with my wife about the differences in the socialization of boys and girls as they grow up. We've been amazed at the revelations that had never seemed to rise to the surface before the discussions about what it is like to be a girl growing up. Sometimes I've wondered how any relationship can survive in the face of these massive differences in expectations and experiences, and yet they do! Have faith that these discussions will help you grow together if you really are committed to each other!

Bese regards,
Tina

[Chickhe]

I think I've figured out some of this for myself from experience. The wanting to do it privately is simply a way to enjoy doing it and learning at your own pace. It is not about lying or hiding... and its a lot to do with stress release and not wanting to make the activity 'add' more stress.

[sara_s26]

I think a big part of not wanting to share the crossdressing with me is that it would take away from the relaxing part of it for him. It would stress him out so much to have me there that the whole point of doing it would be taken away. Maybe over time and with the therapy he will be able to let me in on this, a little at a time. I am hopeful.

As far as the chat, it is something that he has done in our relationship. He says he did it at the beginning when we first started dating and it has slowly went away the longer we have been together. Now that he knows it bothers me, he says he is going to find some other outlet. I'm hoping he doesn't just start doing it in secret..to me that would be worse than just doing it. I gotta trust that he is going to do what he said he would.

He also says that as he has gotten older his need to crossdress and the fantasies have gotten less and less. Its almost like he is trying to push it out of his life because it bothers him so much. He was abondoned by his mother at a young age and his Dad, although a great father, is a hard ass and very hard to please. I can't help but think that crossdressing is a way of giving him that soft female role he needed and needs in his life. I think I am more realistic about crossdressing being a part of his life forever than he is. He seems to think it might go away or something. I'm pretty damn sure it won't. Or maybe he says that so I won't worry or something..I'm not sure.

I know because of his mom he has a lot of worries of abandonment and women have always left him in life. I wanna be that woman that stays by him and doesn't let him down. All this to say..gosh I love him..lol..and I sure hope we can find balance and happiness together.