Unbearable (venting; feedback encouraged)

[*Kira*]

This is aimed at the transgendered.

Is anyone else at the point where it's so painful to look in the mirror that it brings tears to your eyes?

I bite my lip and brush off the pain, and use my epilator bi-weekly on male-exclusive hair regrowth areas, in the desperate hope that it will permanently 'fix' those areas by sometime next year.

My emotional saving grace is the group of female friends I have that support and boost me up. I also receive very little 'bashing' from people, and what little there is, I cope with courageously.

Despite the above positive facts, I still can't bear the fact that I'm still in this shell.

I am 21, and in no social or financial position to begin any sort of procedures to remedy this.


Any thoughts or advise will be more than appreciated! <3
~Kira

[Adriennegrl]

Hang in there sweetie, we all have features that we don't like. It's important to embrace & focus on the good ones For example, I love my legs, natural breasts and lips. I don't like my adam's apple, beard/arm hair but I focus on the former.

Don't beat yourself up, we all are faced w/ this, GG's, TG's, CD's, etc...

[*Kira*]

It's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in this struggle
Kinda shallow that misery loves company, but it provides hope nevertheless.

It's a blessing that I look more like my mother than my father; it's not difficult to use makeup to shift my appearance more in the direction that I desire.

Thanks for your input!

[Kaitlyn26]

That's called a big butt day. Just forget about it and you'll feel better in the morning.

[*Kira*]

I don't like my adam's apple, beard/arm hair but I focus on the former.

I have a CD friend on Facebook who uses makeup to make it look like he has uber real cleavage:

Perhaps the same shading techniques could be used on adam's apples?

FOR ARM HAIR, I have a DIY haircut kit at home. I use the (what the hell are they called...) electic trimmer things(?!) to reduce the length of my air hair, without it looking freakish or unnatural. QUICK AND EASY.

Hope this helps

[ReineD]

If it helps, I feel the same way except for me it is signs of aging. I am in my 50s and I know that I am headed towards "old lady" status. You can't get rid of aging skin and sagging facial muscles and you know they will keep getting worse.

The good thing is that eyesight diminishes with aging as well, so I only need to not put on my glasses when I look at myself in the mirror!

Friends tell me that I am beautiful. They don't see all the imperfections that I see. So, I'm telling you the same thing. You are beautiful just the way you are.

You can still get rid of the hair, and I can still use all my creams, and that's OK too.

[Karren H]

Well you have to learn to deal with the cards that are dealt you... We all do.. Or have.. Concentrate on the positive and downplay the negative.. No one ever said that this was easy. If it were. Everyone would be doing it.

[lynn_lynn]

Im beautiful on the inside.. Ive always had a vanity smurf complex, I have dozens of mirrors in my house. Some them I break in rage fits but thats nothing to do with my Cd life..

[Adriennegrl]

I have a CD friend on Facebook who uses makeup to make it look like he has uber real cleavage:

http://a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot..._2689181_n.jpg

Perhaps the same shading techniques could be used on adam's apples?

FOR ARM HAIR, I have a DIY haircut kit at home. I use the (what the hell are they called...) electic trimmer things(?!) to reduce the length of my air hair, without it looking freakish or unnatural. QUICK AND EASY.

Hope this helps

Yes, there are ways around these, they are really trivial in the big picture. I love more things then I don't so I focus on them. You even had a GG reply, 'Reine', so we are all in the same boat for one reason or another

Just embrace those good qualities!

[Sally24]

Things can be very tough. You are very young yet which is to your advantage. You should try to go to work for an employer who covers trans procedures in their medical plan. See this list http://www.hrc.org/issues/workplace/benefits/7644.htm

[kimdl93]

As I read this thread, I recalled part of a verse from an old Cat Stevens song (Father and Son). It goes:

"Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to go through. "

I know that at 21 the challenges of life can seem overwhelming. Believe me, each of us has felt trapped in a shell, felt financially dependent and confined. Thank goodness for your friends support. My hope is that you can look past today's frustrations and celebrate the joys of youth. Believe me, those days slip away all too soon.

[noeleena]

Hi,

One of the hardest things is accepting ...our... selfs after 64 years as of ...now... you learn to work through a life time of .

I did not like the way i looked 54 years ago. i did not like my pic's taken id go & hide & still dont. yet i have, i know you wont like this i'v been in front of many 1000's & talked to many 100 more . i could not do that 15 years ago yet i have , because i had to..

How do i say it , put your fear's behind you. If i had not over come my fear of not being accepted i would not have talked & been seen on T V. nation wide,

I was concerned i would mess it up i would not be able to speak Let alone talk about my life. & to top it off how i looked or in my mind not look , my stumbing block was years of rejection & how i looked.

I have lovely olive skin ,.. sorry Reine,... & hardly any lines & i dont need make up & women comment me on such nice skin .

It took me a while to accept my looks as just being a masculine / woman in my facial looks im accepted for who i am , not on my looks . some times we need to look deeper & find those attrubutes that make us who we are , those nice things about us,

People who are shallow only look at the out side , those who are genuine see the real you. so what's more importaint . ill leave that with you,

...noeleena...

[TGMarla]

There are times when I simply cannot believe that I "lost" on a 50/50 chance to be female instead. It amazes me how someone who loves wearing dresses and feminine clothing as much as I do, who adores all the feminine things, the hair, the nails, "having" breasts, the heels and hosiery, etc, could possibly have been born male. I went through years of somewhat intense gender dysphoria, often wishing to chuck it all and get to Trinidad and correct this situation by any means possible. I'd have hitch-hiked if necessary, to get this done. I viewed my male genetalia as an abomination of sorts. It was only the knowledge of the pain I'd cause myself and my loved ones that held me back. Well, that and money. Over time, my marriage became strong enough to be a better reason to live and remain who I am. Being my wife's husband is a really terrific thing, and I re-committed myself to my life as it is. I learned to accept myself as a crossdresser with transexual tendencies, and learned to avoid the self-loathing in lieu of self-acceptance. It brought much more peace to my mind, and contentment. It released a burden I'd been carrying for most of my life. It stopped most of the inner battle I'd been fighting for so many years. And life is better without all the turmoil.

I wish you well. It's hard, and few people understand. Be strong. And try to learn to not hate yourself.

[Cynthia Anne]

I do beleive it's a simple thing called life! If I focus on my imprefections I would have been dead years ago! Instead I'm a happy and alive country girl! A big hug for you!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Enjoy everyday like it is the last one you have......it could be! Tomorrow you will find another thing you don't like. We all do.



Em

[Alice Torn]

At 21, being the baby of the family, with older brothers and dad who resented everything about me, i had not dressed for years, then joined the service. Started dressing again in my 40's. Now, stuck helping my dad who still resents me, at 57! My times of feeling like ending it all, are countless, but, i have cats, and don't want to leave them homeless. I was homeless, for a few years, in my 50's. Phiosophy: Taking it in the shorts, and trying to be a good sport. Modern life is having to say you are sorry...every five minutes. It aint easy being a guy or a gurl. Life is hard, but, there are little joys. All my trials, someday will be over. My 90 year old father is all conflicted, yet, like a 21 yr old! I cry out to The Maker with all my pain, and ask for mercy.

[Myojine]

This is aimed at the transgendered.

Is anyone else at the point where it's so painful to look in the mirror that it brings tears to your eyes?

every ****inb unbearable day of my life, i can't think of a day that goes by where i dont wanna punch the mirror or hate the way i look

I bite my lip and brush off the pain, and use my epilator bi-weekly on male-exclusive hair regrowth areas, in the desperate hope that it will permanently 'fix' those areas by sometime next year.

I got the short end of the stick here. Fast growing facial hair, olive semi translucient skin so that no matter how much i shave i cant hide that "man hair". Dispite my girlish face, until i get every last folicle removed I will look like a man.

My emotional saving grace is the group of female friends I have that support and boost me up. I also receive very little 'bashing' from people, and what little there is, I cope with courageously.

Despite the above positive facts, I still can't bear the fact that I'm still in this shell.

At least you have one, The one i had I'm qutting because it was an addiction that was destroying my life, as if it wasnt trash already, and just pushing me farther away from reality and humanity.
Not like i care for humanity anyways.

I am 21, and in no social or financial position to begin any sort of procedures to remedy this.


Any thoughts or advise will be more than appreciated! <3
~Kira

Same here, no friends no family no money, and i mean no money.
I hate money, i hate the fact that people hear we are trans and treat us like were filthy animals.
I wish someone would demonize the straight white christian male, but unforutnately thats never going to happen

From
Another depressed lunatic loosing her mind

[SuzanneBender]

Accentuate the positive. Downplay the negative. If you don't like something be patient and then change it when you can. You will figure out as you get older that life is short and you need to celebrate those positives.

I think I read this on a poster somewhere.

[suchacutie]

Welcome! Some of us are blessed with bodies that can pass in either gender. Well, there must be a couple of us anyway, don't you think?

The rest of us have to work to minimize the male "clues" and maximize the "female" clues. Makeup can really help and the notion of contouring and highlighting can work wonders on a face. I'm still terrible at it, but you might start by asking your GG friends about those topics. If they aren't that familiar, it might be good to go with one of them to a makeup counter (MAC or others) and have them ask about those topics, and just listen to the explanation, then try it yourself.

The big thing is to realize that we are all in the same boat as you and are more than willing to talk about it! Note the long list of makeup-related posts on this site!

tina

[Inna]

Hey babe, I am 44 and despite supposed wisdom and developed supposed patience, I can't wait until I finally will glimpse upon an image of woman in my mirrors reflection. Despite others telling, "oh you are doing so great, it just takes time" I want it now, and no wisdom in the world will make me feel otherwise,

You are not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But life has this powerful tool at its disposal................TIME, and within the life's wisdom lie the mechanism of unfolding story, we are within it like droplets of rain falling into a river and flowing down the stream as though without purpose but truly fulfilling the cycle as predicted and directed by no one else but life itself.

Deep down I know I am heading to the point when I shall be her, the girl in dreams become real, but must complete the journey there, so she can be fulfilled in truth and love.

Heads up gorgeous, just let it flow and don't give up your fight to save her, to bring her out into the light of this world.

[christinamonae]

some people are so cruel i wish people could be more understanding

[DonnaT]

It doesn't take money to grow your hair out. I assume you have a fem wardrobe already, as well as makeup. So grow your hair out and just start living as a woman and see how you feel.

[eluuzion]

Is anyone else at the point where it's so painful to look in the mirror that it brings tears to your eyes?
~Kira

Hi Kira,

Yes I get tears in my eyes, but then I realize it is because I have the pressure too high on my homemade vacuum breast pump.

I believe life is either a battle or a game, depending on your perception and perspective. We all have the opportunity to chose how we react to anything. It is amazing how fast you can improve your outlook by simply paying attention to the words you use to describe things. It is a little cognitive trick that sounds stupid, but it is effective. Try it in alone in your room so you don't feel silly in front of others.

Then let your frustration out verbally again, but pay attention to the harsh, negative words. Then do it again and just replace one or two of those negative words with something neutral or positive...like I did with battle>>>to>>>game. Nothing drastic right. It will still sound and feel like a stupid exercise, but your mind registers the difference. The words you carry around in your head change, and your outlook will gradually do the same.

It will not suddenly turn you into Cinderella, that is the frog's job..(it was a frog right?)...anyway...try it...it's free...hehehe.

You might ask yourself this too...How many of your 21 year old friends know exactly what they want to be in life? I would guess you won't find many.

You know exactly what you want to be. That is a powerful gift
in life, that no amount of money can "buy". There are people three times your age that still can not answer that question. Don't discount it and yourself...it will get you what you want.

It just requires some patience. Unfortunately, I can't help you with that one...not one of my strong points...hehehehe.

[donnalee]

There is only one certainty in life - Things change!
However awful life seems at present, do what you can to do break down your problems into the simplest pieces, then figure out what you can do to implement any of those. One of the major difficulties as you get older is the number and severity of the distractions you will encounter; you have the huge advantage of time.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I bite my lip and brush off the pain, and use my epilator bi-weekly on male-exclusive hair regrowth areas, in the desperate hope that it will permanently 'fix' those areas by sometime next year.
~Kira

If you mean you are using an epilator (a rotary epilator that tears the hair out, not an electrolysis epilator) on your beard, it won't make the hair stop growing and odds are it will make your problem worse and permanent hair removal more expensive and painful down the road. Take it from an electrologist and someone who has been there.