A little thinking about a friend

[NaomiHikaru]

I want to put out my thanks to everyone out there. I have been mostly a reader on these forums and I appreciate the good advice that has been put on these forums, but it seems that I have come to a bypass in my life and sharing it with those here seems to be a good starting point for my little conundrum here.

The past few days have been quite interesting for me. I say this because a good friend of mine just came out to me to say that he is bi-sexual.(to a degree) He knows of my cross-dressing habits and have been supportive as much as a friend can be. The thing is he said that I look attractive in what I wear, i.e. women's jeans, tops, etc. and that he is attracted to me physically, but not sexually.

The thing here is, I am a straight male who does not find men physically or sexually attractive, at least that is what I believe. And my friend knows this, but he keeps pushing to see me in more revealing clothes. I am afraid that he might become sexually attracted to me or in the worse case already is, since we were roommates back in the day.

He really is a good friend, but I sometimes feel that he is too clingy or just obsessive about me. It sometimes scares me, and even though I have mentioned it to him a few times he keeps coming back to the subject of seeing me in more revealing clothes. I don't want to just leave him in the dust as he has given a lot out of his time to help me. I fear the worst.

Sorry about the long post, my mind has just been reeling about this.

-Naomi

[CatAttack]

Naomi, I can totally relate to this. I had a friend a few years ago who was really cool and just an all around good friend. Anyways, one day when we were having lunch, I told him that I was trans, just because I felt like he wouldn't think it was a big deal. He didn't, and then he told me that he was bi. I told him that it was fine with me since I am too anyways, and we were just glad that we understood one another.

Then he kept asking me to show him pictures of myself dressed, and when I showed him, he was all like super excited or something and would keep pushing me to dress for him. Eventually I did, and he told me that he thought I was really attractive and started getting all touchy and it made me really uncomfortable. I mean, he was a great friend, but I am just not attracted to him like that. I told him that he was making me feel weird and that I didn't like him like that, so we vouched to never talk about it again, but he would always look at me in that way after that and it kind of really creeped me out. He would also still bring it up every now and then, which I didn't like.

We had already signed a lease to be roommates for the next year [along with two other friends] and I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything, so we ended up being roommates. But for obvious reasons our friendship soured, and I'd feel creeped out all the time whenever we were alone, because he'd start talking to me all softly and it was clear that the dynamics of our relationship had changed. Half way through the year, he suddenly moved back home because he withdrew from school due to poor grades [and probably the obvious reasons]. Now he'll periodically facebook me creepy things like "hey I really miss you". I mean, I do like him as a friend, but not anything more. I do miss my friend though, but things will always be weird between us now...

Soooo yeah in my experience it was not good. I hope that you can salvage your friendship without messing things up! I guess the only advice I can give here would be to tread carefully.

[ReineD]

What does being attracted to someone physically, but not sexually mean? I always thought they were both the same thing.

Naomi, I'm sorry your friend is putting you in this position. But, no matter how good a friend he is, you mustn't compromise yourself or do anything that makes you feel comfortable. He is crossing your boundaries in a major way and this is NOT OK. Your body is yours, and yours alone to do with as you please and you are NOT required to put yourself on display sexually for anyone.

Sorry for the rant, but your friend is way out of line.

You need to be firm with him. If he has been kind to you in the past, you can return the kindness now by also being kind to him: talking to him, listening to him when he as issues, doing him favors like watering his plants and walking his dog when he is out of town, driving him to a doctor's appointment if he needs you to .... stuff like that. But under no circumstances is he required to be paid back by you violating your own physical boundaries.

Please be firm with him and spell out the rules clearly. It's the only way he'll stop. If he doesn't, it will be time to end the friendship.

I'm sorry.

[GaleWarning]

Been there, done that ... and the sad thing is that, having tried the sex thing and hated it, I could no longer be friends with the person.
A shame, really.

My advice, therefore, is "Don't go there."

[AnnaCalliope]

Funny, I've never found a guy who was really into me as Anna, and I've done a lot of looking. I dated a few girls who would only hang out with me if I was dressed. If I wasn't Anna that day, they wanted nothing to do with me. Our relationships didn't last long because at the time I was still on the fence about transition.

I know how you feel about the weirdness factor. My first boyfriend ever, whom I dated for a couple months after turning 18, obsessed over me for almost 5 years, until I finally moved out of state. He initially left me for a younger guy, which was especially creepy considering I was only 18, and he was 26. But he tended to hang out at the same GBLT-friendly hang-outs as me, so I was still running into him 2-3 times a week. I always tried to remain civil with him, but he just couldn't keep his hands off of me, unless I was dressed as Anna, then he wanted nothing to do with me. The last time I saw him, I went to a friend's for a party that my ex just happened to be invited to as well. I had a great time, got really drunk and passed out on one of the futon in the living room. I awoke the next morning to my ex with his hand on my crotch and trying to take off my belt. I clocked him right in the jaw, grabbed by bag and left. Never spoke to him or any of his friends since.

[DonnaT]

II don't want to just leave him in the dust as he has given a lot out of his time to help me.

Yes, but the things he did he did as a friend, now he's not being a true friend by asking you to do something you've already told him you are uncomfortable with.

Just tell him you value his friendship, as a friend only, but that that friendship will evaporate if he continues to try an coerce you to do something you don't want to do.

[NaomiHikaru]

Thanks for the replies!

It seems the consensus here is to tread carefully and be firm about my position on the matter.

I don't want to loose him as a friend and it seems that if I do let him push me beyond what I am comfortable with things will just get worse and worse until we may never talk to each other again.

Again thanks for all the advice, has given me some peace of mind

[Oilpainter35]

Let me add that he may be wanting to try some of your lingerie. He may not know how to go about , or shy about asking you to help him. Thus his wanting to see more skimpier things...Oh an maybe he would like to try make-up wig....come out and ask him if he would, and you might be suprised.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Just be firm and direct. Ask him this, "I am a straight man, regardless of what I wear, would you ever ask for/treat another straight man like this?"