being a liarer vs not telling

[Roxann]

friday night my wife and myself went to the therapist for second time one of the topic was me being a liarer and not telling her she says its the same, she is still don't trust me i'm trying to tell her everything, how can get her to trust me, thanks for all info every body is so nice

hugs to all
Roxann

[eluuzion]

hiya R,

There are two primary ways to lie: to conceal and to falsify. Concealing is withholding information without really saying anything untrue. Falsifying adds the additional step of presenting false information as the truth.

Concealing is the preferred choice because it has many advantages. It does require making anything up and it is easier to cover up if you get caught. You can claim it was ignorance, a mistake, insignificant, bad decision, unforeseen circumstances, difference in perceptions, misinterpretation, misunderstanding, intent to reveal it later, etc. etc. Plus if the truth comes out later you have the option of saying you never really lied about anything, you just "forgot to mention it", lol.

That is where you start using the word "technically it was not..." as you proceed to redefine the meaning of lying, which of course excludes and excuses the unacceptable behavior,

Just a summary of the definitions by Paul Ekman, an expert on the topic. I happen to agree.

good luck

[mercterr]

What your wife is feeling is pretty common. Mine is not by any means doing cartwheels about finding out I am a cross-dresser, but she has told me the 20 years of deceit are what hurt the most. I am currently in the process of "gaining her trust back". It's a sensitive thing for me because while I did lie to her by omission, I have never lied to her or cheated on her in our relationship beyond this and as you know, this lie wasn't based in malice, but severe self guilt and shame. Still a lie. Still hurt her.

[JamieG]

Roxann, I know how you feel. I went through the same thing with my wife when I came out to her. The only advice I can give you is to be 100% honest from this day forward. Some days it may be tough. We get so set in our way of concealing our CDing, it's difficult to open up about it. Over time, this should help you to regain her trust. Make sure to set boundaries with her and stay within them. Good luck to both of you!

[Tina B.]

You might try explaining, we lie, or omit the truth because of society's treatment of us, and having done it your life it is hard to find the words, to share this most delicate part of ourselves, but that it was out of fear of the loss of her love that lead you to this behavior, it might soften her a little. But the only real solution it time and Patience, and being very honest going forward, she will have doubts for long time, it's earned. I hate to say it, but it seems so never get over it, but I think most do, if there is no other under lying problems, I hope yours does forgive, and forget (or at least forgive), good luck!
Tina B.

[Stephanie47]

My wife participated in my cross-dressing 'fetish' when it was strictly bedroom play. When we had a child, she asked me to not wear nightgowns to bed because our child may walk in the room. Ok, no problem. Later, cross-dressing became a big issue, which appeared to attack her perception of herself. I think many wives feel cross-dressing is plain outright wrong! Whether the marriage survives depends on mutual understanding and respect. I would not put my cross-dressing at a level of "in your face." My wife does not want to participate in cross-dressing, so there is absolutely no vestige of my cross-dressing evident in my daily life. It's like I'm hiding my cross-dressing with her acquiescence. Hopefully, she has comes to accept cross-dressing is a part of who I am. I think both of us have reached a mutual understanding and a comfortable set of boundaries.

I do not believe the issue is lying by commission or omission. I feel many wives do not like cross-dressing or any other issues that deviate from totally straight one male/one woman sexual roles.

Additionally, even if there is acceptance and participation in the beginning, there is no guarantee it will not change. Knowledge from day one is no guarantee of acceptance one, five, ten or thirty years later.

[Aprilrain]

I lied by omission mostly and by commission on occasion as well. My soon to be EXwife (yay!) tried to be supportive when I did finally tell her about my "CDing" but in the end she really couldn't accept that it wasn't a problem probably because i couldn't! In our case the marriage had fatal flaws beyond my deceit and I finally moved out about 10 months ago and started my transition. As fate would have it I am kinda seeing this guy who CDs LOL. At first I thought I didn't want anything to do with him because of this. Not because I really care but because it does nothing for me but after awhile I just thought he really seems like a nice guy and I really don't care about the dressing. Now if he wanted to transition I would try to be supportive and loving but I would lose interest in a romantic relationship with him. The problem with traditional marriages is they come with so much societal baggage. Most people can accept the "expectations" out of hand because they identify with those "rules" to begin with but if you're TG in anyway those expectations will eventually get in the way. Thats my take anyway.

[SweetIonis]

Most people can accept the "expectations" out of hand because they identify with those "rules" to begin with but if you're TG in anyway those expectations will eventually get in the way.

Well being in a serious relationship is a matter of give and take. There's just no way around that. That implies that something is "in the way". And that isn't exclusive to cross dressing. There are a number of things that can cause problems. I posted a thread called "When do you say enough is enough" or something like that a while back. It deals with how do you know when to draw the line over how much you can give and take. At a certain point I think that although you may have genuine feelings for someone, it just becomes too difficult for you to function as a normal person if you have to give or take too much to maintain a relationship. When it comes to that point, I have concluded that it is best for two people to part ways, rather than to destroy each other in the name maintaining a secondary principle. In summary, when maintenance of a secondary principle destroys the primary principle, then IMHO the secondary principle can be abandoned.

[sissystephanie]

As SweetIonis says, being a serious relationship is a matter of give and take. Marriage is probably the most serious relationship you can have. If you are a CD when you marry, you should have already told the lady who became your bride!! Not telling her means you married her under false pretenses!! Especially if you prefer to be a woman!! She thought she married a man, so you have to decide which you are.

I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her, and she accepted me on the condition that I would always be her man!! Since I have never really wanted to be a woman that was no problem for me! We had almost 50 happy years together, because I never let her forget that I was her MAN!! I believe that too many married CD's forget that point!! And whether you believe or not, it is not all about sex! That can enter into it, but there are many other things that you can do to let her know that you are still her man!! If your love is serious, show her! If it is not, than it is probably time to dissolve the relationship!! Only you, the CD, can make that decision!! Are you a man, or a female wanna-be?

[SweetIonis]

As SweetIonis says, being a serious relationship is a matter of give and take. Marriage is probably the most serious relationship you can have.

Being in any serious relationship is a matter of give and take because two people are NOT exactly alike. There will be some times when one person finds one thing attractive while the other person will find it to be repulsive. At that point there will be some give and take. That's true even of a friendship.