I am not one to put a lot of stock into some of the old school “Head shrinkers” out there, so I want to approach something from a different angle. Pavlov and his dogs show to me some very interesting things that also apply to human nature. I will not go into all that his experiments described, I will leave you to look into that later.
I this tender age of 59, I have been dressing in lingerie too many years to count. As I have gotten older most of the reasons for dressing are still there. My start was different from many, but it is the end result that I wish to discuss. As a young teen I would dress in my mother’s clothes and” prance” around the house when no one was home. As I was the youngest, with both of my sisters being married by the time that I was 11, I had a lot of empty house time. It was during one of these dress up times that I had my first ejaculation, then later the second and so on. Hence the bell rang and I got pleasure. So, the imprinting on my brain started with women’s clothes, particularly lingerie, being something that brought pleasure. Even when I would have a nocturnal emission, the dreams were almost always about wearing bras and panties. Over the years these behaviour’s have toned down some, but the drive is still there.
I have read and some say that, "I was too young to get any sexual pleasure out of wearing the clothes”. I do not necessarily agree with those comments. I have observed children and have watched my own grow up. I have seen boys play with themselves and girls rub themselves also. Whether this was for sexual pleasure, or if it was just a feel good moment, they are getting something out of it, or they would not have been doing it. I do not claim to know what goes on in the mind of a child and I do not remember some of the why's and wherefores of my youth. I operate on the premise that there is a reason why we do the things that we do. We just have to get to the root of it all. There was an expression that was used years ago, "if it feels good, do it".
When I first got married, I thought that this would go away, as I now had a better option for release (a selfish motive). In reality, 2 things happened, I had a wife with different drives and cycles, and I had a dresser full of lingerie to try on, in my free time. The first 8 years of our marriage, I worked shifts, and she worked steady days. Now I had the "empty house" again to “prance” around in as I pleased. The behaviour of women’s clothing and masturbation was getting very well entrenched. The activities and clothing that lead to that fateful conclusion would get stretched out to maximize the whole event. I could go most of the day dressed, but the end was always the same.
The coward that I was stopped me from ever saying anything, and left my wife with the moods that would come from my abstaining from the dressing, or the last purge. I wanted to ring the bell and get that release. Then I finally told her she was relieved that I was not having an affair on her. In examining the why's of telling, I saw the telling as being selfish, in that I could stop hiding and remove the fear of being caught. The new openness brought me into a whole new realm, one of being able to dress at will and buy what I wanted without fear. Yet, I was always looking for reassurance, and still hid much of my behaviour in the early days.
Jump ahead to now, I underdress 24/7, but I still like to "get off" especially when certain articles of clothing are worn. Dressing for me is a very sexual thing. Just like Pavlov's dogs, the bell rings, and the dogs salivate, when I wear certain clothes I want to "get it off". If anything has changed, it has changed because I worked at it, by example panties do not to it for me the same way anymore, but I wear them all of the time. For the most part, this has made me happy, but, has it then lead me deeper into dressing? It is difficult to get out of the deeply grooved "wagon rut" that I have traversed over the years, and yet I am not really wanting to get out of the rut. My wife knows what I am doing, and as long as she "gets it" when she wants it, she doesn't seem to mind, and she doesn’t want it as often as I would want it. This is something that we have talked about. My drives have slowed down, but the desire to dress has not.
Now this may not be your story, but I wonder how much of this is the same, in the behaviour category. We get pleasure out of wearing women’s clothes, for whatever reason that we may have, and it has been so deeply ingrained in us that it would be difficult to get out of it. This is assuming that we would want to get out of it. By example, a smoker does not quit, until they want to. With them there are health reasons to quit, but what would be our reasons, if we had to? Is crossdressing an acquired taste, like the way that we would drink our coffee? Are we looking for some excuse to blame, for our behaviour? Well that was the way I was born, sister, and I can’t change it! Should we be trying to change the things that we can, accepting the things that we can’t, and using the wisdom to know the difference. When it comes to the changing department, I would not agree to any form of negative re-enforcement to bring about the change. If anything, I would be prone to say that another type of pleasure would be needed to replace the one that is currently being used. Replace something, with something better. Then, that would cause me to ask, do we go deeper into dressing to get a greater pleasure?
I desire to accept myself for who I am. I have made more strides in this area in the last year due to being a part of this forum. I have to be true to myself and honest enough to admit the why's and wherefore's as to why I do what I do. I do not need some "head shrinker" to tell me that I get pleasure out of dressing in lingerie and women’s clothing, that is obvious to me already. Is the feeling releasing endorphins into my body? Are my serotonin levels going up as I put the clothes on? I just know that it makes me feel good and at peace with myself, and the world. So people, leave me to do my own thing, I am not hurting you, and I do not see where I am hurting myself, if I am keeping it to myself. If there has been any problems arise from this behaviour, it is from a society that does not seem to like anything that is not conforming to their standards. So why am I still trying to play by their rules? I know that I can’t win by playing by their rules, unless I change. I do not want to change, I am finally coming to accept me and like me for who I am. Yet, I am still trying to play by their rules!
Originally Posted by BLUE ORCHID
