Some thoughts on being feminine.

[desa ray]

I started a new job around six months ago, I was warned before I began that my supervisor was a rough guy to get along with. I foolishly said I can handle it. I was wrong. He is A raving maniac. takes credit for your good work and blames his mistakes on others. goes berserk over the slightest thing and makes work a terrible place to be. I have started to have some unsettling emotions come over me and it got me thinking about my feminine side. To my own surprise I believe I am on the verge of a revelation.
As a c/d I had always thought that I was a more sensitive person, more in touch with my emotions. so when these very negative emotions began to manifest through arguing and saying things that I would never say to another person, I had to stop and begin to regroup. Sure I wear a skirt and makeup, paint my nails and shave my legs but those thing do not make me feminine. no amount of paint or cloth can ever really do that. I don't want to be a rag doll, where the only difference between Ann and Andy is a hairstyle. thanks to this horrible man I am realizing that I need to change some things about me.
feminine (to me) means compassion, kindness, loving, caring more about the welfare of others than my own. being a boo boo kisser (LOL) and thats the "girl" I want to be.
SO...... if you made it this far thanks for reading my little rant.
Desa.

[NathalieX66]

i think you are normal person.

Gender is a spectrum.
besides the balance btween estrogen and testosterone, and wherever you fall between, some folks are just neurotic.

Enjoy life, and be you!.....we are all snowflakes. everyone of us is different..

[GaleWarning]

I know many males who are caring, compasssionate, great bosses.
Don't think these attributes are exclusively feminine at all!

You are simply a more humane human being.

[DebbieL]

There are many different type of managers and executives, and many of them have very different perceptions of power. Those who gained rank in the military, especially Sargeants with command authority, are very accustomed to "Command and Control". They see their job as trying to keep as many people alive as possible, even if it means sending a few to their deaths. When, as a platoon leader, you have to order 10-20 men to their deaths so that the other 80-90 can live to fight the next battle, where 10-20 of THEM will be killed, it's a burdon that makes these types of leaders very unsympathetic to people who get upset because their feelings have been hurt. This kind of "Command and Control" is has often been called "The Law of Order" or simply "The Order". This type of command goes back to the first Pharoes and probably even 10,000-15,000 years earlier. The strongest order the weaker who must obey or face horrible consequences.

Another model for power is "Consent of the governed", where the power is granted to the leaders by the followers, and it's the job of the leaders to act in the best interest of the followers. This may take the form of a pure democracy where leaders are voted in and get consensus or a vote on important issues, or a republic where representatives are elected and they make decisions on behalf of their constituents, knowing that if they let their constituents down, they will be out of office very quickly. As a result, the followers or voters need to be informed and need to understand why decisions are made, rather than just blindly following orders. This is often referred to as the "Power of Illumination" or more simply the "illuminati" and again, may go back to the very beginnings of civilization. The wizards, religious leaders, and wise men and wise women. The judges of Moses, the Greek Democracy, and even the Roman Republic, as well as the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence, and the U.S. constitution are all products of the "Illuminati".

Strange as it may seem, both have their place, and both have legitimate roles in a society. You don't want soldiers to stop in the middle of the battle to get consensus on whether they should continue the attack or retreat. The same is true when the police are apprehending violent felons, or the fire department is trying to put out a flaming building. In the emergency room, you don't want the doctor constantly being second guessed and criticized by nurses and orderlies as he his trying to repair the damage caused by a bullet, knife, or explosive.

In other organizations, like marketing, insurance, Information Technology, and human services, everything is focused on service, serving the customer. The managers need to be focused on giving those who serve the costomers what they need to be able to serve those customers as well as possible. The executives are constantly focused on listening and trying to discover new and more effective ways to serve existing customers and new customers.

Traditionally, men have been used in "The Order", because they are the most expendable. If you kill of 80% of the men, but you still have lots of women, the surviving men can replenish the population. In ancient cultures, when the male population was significantly reduced, the communities encouraged polygamy. After WW-II, the Korean War, and Viet Nam, we practiced serial polygamy, with couples getting divorced and more children being produced in second and third marriages. In fact, as China has demonstrated, the ONLY way to effectively control population growth, is to reduce the number and percentage of Women in the population. When there are fewer women, they are more valued, and women who get married have much more power and can be far more selective, while women who can't or won't marry, can make a lucrative living doing traditionally female roles, ranging from sex to cooking and cleaning.

On the flip side, women have traditionally been the ones supporting the troops from home, whether that meant making saltpeter during the revolutionary war, or being nurses in the civil war, or Rosie the Riviter during World War II. Women didn't have to compete for jobs, so they could be more cooperative and supportive of each other, and often cooperated in volunteer efforts as well. Traditionally, men would work in the mines and the fields and factories, and the women would contribute through volunteer efforts, often engaging in barter and just sharing cooperatively. The result was that women were more cooperative and collaborative, more "Illuminated" and workin very hard to discover where there was need. Often, "gossip" wasn't about tearing down other people, but rather, getting information to the right people who could actually make a difference.

The manager you are working for now, is a "command and control" type, and you need to look carefully to determine whether this is actually needed. If this is the appropriate model for the work you are doing, then it's very likely that he will thrive and if you are not comfortable with this approach, you should start looking for a role that is more focused toward being supportive and cooperative. Until you have that new job, you want to make it your job to make your boss, and your team, look as good as possible, and make sure that when things go well, that you affirm your leadership and your team, and when things are NOT going well, be willing to take responsibility, even if it isn't your fault. If you want real power, the next time the sh** hits the fan, you can look for the opportunity to say "I may need to do a better job, and I could I get some help getting the mess cleaned up?". This is being responsible and accounable, even though it's not your "fault", it's your responsibility. If you are someone who can produce results by getting the cooperation of your team, you will soon be the kind of leader you wish your boss was.

[Marissa333]

First I think the attitude of your boss is inexcusable. Second I just recently came out to my wife, and I have dressed every day since. I never felt silly in front of her until I got mad at something I saw on the news and started raising my voice. I guess what I am saying is that I understand how you feel and wish I understood why I am feeling that way.

[Wendy_Marie]

I had a Manager (Wayne) who was also my Friend outside the work environment and had been for over 10 years at the time of this event.......I trusted him and he trusted me exclusively as such I got away with Murder on the job for 10 years which may have led to my blindness to what was transpiring around me....Since I had so much faith in him and he in I...I often would leave my employment and future in his hands trusting that he was also looking out for my best interests as well as his own...but then began realizing that while he was always receiving accolades and pats on the back from upper management...My job was stagnating.
One day I received a call from our new Corporate Logistics Officer and asked to speak to me because he believed me to be the Manager of the Branch Office....When I informed him I wasn't he began going over all the reports that I was filling out, all the hats that I wore and told me that the majority of my work load in the office (I also completed outside office deliveries) was supposed to be completed not by me, but by the Branch Manager...Wayne.....

this set in motion a long and arduous process of research and documentation where I began putting the pieces together and it quickly became apparent that my so called friend was attempting to ride on my back to push himself up the corporate ladder...
Prior to this revelation if you would have asked me what kind of manager he was I would have told you. "Wayne leads by example...if we had a job shoveling waste out of a cesspool, Wayne would be in the deepest end using the shortest handled shovel."<----I actually used this analogy to describe him to my Corporate manager trying to defend Wayne at first.

A few days later I got another call from this same Logistics Officer who had questions about our Fleet Vehicles....after some research on my part I discovered that my Friend had been stealing from the company by using Gas cards out of our Delivery Vehicles...Using our FedEx and UPS accounts for his side buisness and out right reporting false charges on his expenses where he reported taking me and the other drivers under me out for lunches etc....To an amount which totaled several thousands of dollars.

In the end, he got fired and while I am not happy to have been instrumental in gathering this evidence....I did my job....and was then summarily let go from my position a few months later on trumped up allegations by an Area Manager who wasn't happy with the fact that I worked with the Corporate Office without his direct knowledge and or involvement....basically, he got his a$$ handed to him on a plate too for not being on top of this situation as he wasn't doing his job either.

The Moral of this story...Do your job, do it well and don't allow others to walk all over you and take credit for your hard work....

[kimdl93]

Desa,

The fact that you are allowing yourself this moment of introspection speaks well of your emotional intelligence - one of those things that women seem to possess to a greater degree than men.

Feminine does not mean that you have to surrender feelings of frustration or anger. And its normal for pent up emotions to express themselves in outbursts.

You certainly can be kind, compassionate, loving and caring, but these are not uniquely female virtues and they can be sorely tested by inconsiderate, bullying jerks in the workplace.

there's a great book on the workplace called "The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace". The book deals with the negative impact of people, like your supervisor, and strategies for creating a more humane work environment. I highly recommend it.

[Sara Jessica]

I think you have received some really good advice so far, particularly from Kim. I love the part about feminine not meaning that you have to surrender feelings of frustration or anger. I truly believe that having a tilted feminine perspective contributes to a unique balance in the workplace that can serve is very well and even be of tremendous benefit in leadership positions. Interestingly, what others recognize as being outstanding qualities suited for leadership (particularly empathy and the ability to motivate with honey rather than vinegar) are rooted in place they would least suspect.

Sure I wear a skirt and makeup, paint my nails and shave my legs but those thing do not make me feminine. no amount of paint or cloth can ever really do that.

...and I love this little quote of yours. It's one of the most enlightened things I've read in these pages in a very long time. I applaud you in your wisdom and commitment to explore the what truly makes one feminine. It has little to do with presentation, it's more about what is in our hearts and the way we carry ourselves each and every day no matter how we might present to the world.

[sterling12]

Do you believe that by assuming perceived feminine "traits," it's a Survival Technique for this very bad situation? If you do, consider how a lot of Males and Management Types USE Females who are "yielding," and "Boo-boo Kissers." They Work Them to Death! They constantly change The Rules, and they convince Them that: "If you just do this one more thing for me, everyone will love you!" I have seen it time and time again, these "traits" are often used against some women to exploit and demean them.

However, in The Nursing Trade I have had The Pleasure to work around a lot of very tough-minded women. They can be compassionate, and nurturing. But, they would handle A Boss like this in a very different way. They would yield, and smile, and eat a lot of S**t for as long as it took. But all The Time they were smiling and glad-handing This Boss, they would be planning, and scheming, and working to destroy him. It might take years, but they never seem to forget! In The End, they find satisfaction in Victory, no matter what it takes, nor how long.

Those "Traits" your talking about, are probably not The Norm for most Women. Most Real Women aren't cut out for Sainthood! They fight their Battles just like all The Males. They just do it in a different way.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Michaela42]

The definitions of femininity and masculinity are always subject to interpretation and ones own point of view. I have met women that could be absolutely ruthless and still walked, talked, dressed, and acted completely feminine. I have also met men who cried at sad movies, cared for sick animals/children, and who were always willing to lend a shoulder or ear to your problems, but they were also completely masculine. I guess what I am trying to say Desa is that your boss sounds like an immature a$$ who needs to grow up; and I applaud you for seeing that behavior and not wanting to be part of it.

[prettytoes]

Sounds like you work for my old boss! No matter what I did, it was never fast enough, or good enough. I had heard him say "a pissed off employee works better than a happy employee". Great attitude, huh? Needless to say, we went head to head one too many times and I was laid off after 13 years of loyal service. I now have my own business (which, I was told, he said would never survive) and it is thriving. I have doubled my sales every year for the past 3 years. I have 2 guys working for me and they are very happy there (I learned a lot about how not to treat employees!). One of my employees was my supervisor when I started at the other company and he used to do shows as a female impersonator. He knows about my dressing and we have fun talking about it and kidding each other...."busy week next week...better wear your big girl panties and steel toe pumps!" The boss that is a jerk used to call him a fag all the time, and I hated that. Life has been so much better since that stress was eliminated from my life.

[suchacutie]

One of the advantage of being bigendered (in my working life, anyway) is that if I need my male self to be "bent out of shape", then "he" can do that. If I want to use the feminine approach I let Tina handle that. Very tidy, really

[CynthiaD]

I've had my share of bad bosses, and when something makes me so angry that I just can't stand it, I come home, get out of my male clothes, and put on a dress. The anger drains out of me and I'm able to deal wit things clearly and sensibly. This is partly because I consider myself female. My male persona is just a charade to help me deal with the world as a male. I just can't maintain the charade and deal with extreme conflict at the same time. If I give myself time to just be me, I can handle things much better.

Oh, and the best way to deal with a bad boss is to get yourself a new boss. But don't quit until you've got something else lined up. Any boss is better than no job.

CK

[Sophie86]

caring more about the welfare of others than my own.

I suppose that is part of the stereotype of femininity, but I can tell you from having watched how it plays out in the real world that it is not a good thing for the women who try to live up to it. Not surprisingly, they end up getting walked all over.

[SabrinaDanielle]

Through all the years I was hiding from myself, there were a couple of hints that kept goading me that I hadn't yet found who I really am.

One was a sense of color and style -- my wife will consult with me about clothing and I'll tell her what i think and why. She stop and look at me funny and say, "You know, you ARE a woman." Why yes, honey, yes I am!!

The other thing was that I have never been a guy. Rough jokes, swilling beer, yard work, tinkering with cars and machines -- so completely not me. I've always been a caring, nurturing person, and when I am doing caring nurturing things, I always found I was the most grounded, the most happy with myself and what I was doing.

My femininty isn't just about dress -- though I'm looking forward to a shoe-shopping expedition soon! -- it's about being ME. Not effeminate as a guy. But very deeply feminine.

The wonderful poet Rumi had this to say about masculinity:

Masculinity has a core of clarity, which does not act
from anger or greed or
sensuality, and a husk, which does. The virile center
that listens within takes
pleasure in obeying that truth. Nobility of spirit,
the true spontaneous energy
of your life, comes as you abandon other motives and move
only when you feel the majesty
that commands and is the delight of the self.

I can't say it as well, but the same is true of femininity. Femininity has a core of nurturing and caring which does not act from style or appearance or sensuality and a husk that does. As I embrace and celebrate that wonderful core that is part of me, I want to express it by that lovely husk.

My .02 cents and I do so hope you find a place within yourself or perhaps at another job where you can be happy knowing and being who you are.

Sabrina who is still working on a sig, profile and picture.....

[Karren H]

I've had a few of those over the last 35 years and have had to just hunker down and put up with it. Eventually they got what was coming to them... They are gone, I'm still here. My good work and willingness to help others speaks louder that their self promoting any day... And I don't tell people what they want to hear.... I tell them the truth... I'm lucky to have a great boss now... A bunch of them... All the way up the chain.. Told my current boss that if he is going to retire to let me know... I'm going to be right behind him! Hang in there.

[Paula Siemen]

I've had to deal some clients of similar disposition.
It came to me one day thay THEY must truely be miserable in their lives. Something is missing for them to consistently act this way to others. They have been hurt, dimenished, abandoned, deceieved or some other bad experience that they react to without even realizing. It actually only shows how insecure they are. They wake up each day looking at the negatives and then generate most of them throughout the day to justify their expectations. I realised that there is nothing I can do to change these persons and it is really not against me that they are reacting, but in reality themselves, because they are insecure and untrusting of others. Just know down in your heart that you don't have to do anything to retaliate against their bad attitudes and emotions....they generate them themselves...everyday. Just know what a truely miserable life that person must have always being upset and disappointed. Could you wish a worse situation on your worst enemy?

But if he crosses the line.............................report him!!!!!

Sincerly,
Paula

[Sarasometimes]

i think you are normal person.

Gender is a spectrum.
besides the balance btween estrogen and testosterone, and wherever you fall between, some folks are just neurotic.

Enjoy life, and be you!.....we are all snowflakes. everyone of us is different..

Well putabout Gender Spectrum. Gender is not the deciding factor for how much good charactor we develop, that is nuture not nature! A child cannot act like a bully unless his or her support staff allows or encourages it! Personality development is the most important job of parents and caregivers. Children learn most from what they see others do! The rotten boss had poor role models! IMHO

[cassandra54]

that's a common problem these days Desa and it's called bullying in the workplace. it only makes matters worse when some of us are not alpha males and are easily intimidated. i've been a supervisor with the company i work for, which made it even harder. all i can say is be assertive and establish your boundaries. if you can document anything and everything you can. best of all, if you come up with an idea that is implemented and it increases production or raises morale or anything good like that, don't be afraid to let your bosses boss know. might seem like brown nosing, but what the hell, you need to get credit where credit is due. and don't be afraid to think outside the box. just remember that all of who you are makes you a very special and talented individual. show them you can take the high road and be successful despite everything. if all else fails, just haul off and hit him with your purse.

[Tina B.]

Real women don't take crap anymore than a real man, my wife works as a bookkeeper, and if a boss goes off with out good cause, she stands her ground and tells them whats up, like it or not. No one should have to put up with a jerk, and being nice to one does not make you more feminine, it makes you someone they can be abused.
Tina B.

[*Vanessa*]

i think you are normal person.

Gender is a spectrum.
besides the balance btween estrogen and testosterone, and wherever you fall between, some folks are just neurotic.

Enjoy life, and be you!.....we are all snowflakes. everyone of us is different..

I totally agree - during the Jurassic period when computers first came in the world everything became black and white. Today there are logic switches that can be partly on and partly off at the same time. These switches are extreme powerful, far more then the old off/on ones.

Resource - there will be a home for the spork now as well. The Fork and Spoon drawer will have another mate and there will be room for their new cousin right beside them.
v.

[donnalee]

Real women don't take crap anymore than a real man, my wife works as a bookkeeper, and if a boss goes off with out good cause, she stands her ground and tells them whats up, like it or not. No one should have to put up with a jerk, and being nice to one does not make you more feminine, it makes you someone they can be abused.
Tina B.

Just make very sure they need you more than you need them and everyone knows it before you try this (usually, if they know it, the problem will never come up). Do not attempt this with anyone else around as this will force him to oppose what you have to say; i.e. more "discipline", maybe firing if you piss him off enough. As his behavior is known to the company and he's still there, he must have support from higher up.
If the company is large enough, go to the HR department. If there are fewer than 3 HR employees this may not be useful unless you know they will be impartial. Document every incident, date & time, people involved and what transpired. You will need this for evidence. Ask to speak to someone at HR in confidence; don't present your evidence until confidentiality has been assured (you need witnesses). There are a lot of surreptitious alliances at any workplace; it's easy to get blindsided (hence at least 3 HR people). Again, be sure and document these meetings as well.
I'm sorry to be so negative, but my experience with working for others warrants it.

[StarrOfDelite]

Don't want to generalize, but my most recent previous job experience involved a woman who supervised a team of lawyers and Ph. D.'s on a project. There were about 20 professionals and another 15-18 paralegals, researchers, secretaries, so it was a high profile job. She was probably supervising a payroll of about $3-4 million/annum, plus the budget for hardware and independent contractors whom we hired. She was ambitious, manipulative, two-faced, and very involved in corporate politics. It was not a pleasant experience, and I was very happy to leave that job.

She had no idea about my other life as Ingrid, and I'm damn happy she didn't because I'm sure she would have used it against me in some manner. I was one of three senior team leaders, so was directly in the line of her management technique.

So, don't assume that women make better bosses. People are people, and some are miserable human beings irrespective of gender.

[Debutante]

Oh Desa..... yes, you mad the right point. I think feminine is just what you said.... and you are beautiful being thatw ay... I want to be
that way as well