Yep, just like Earl Hickey says in the sitcom (My name is Earl.) I am riding the Kharma train...or so it seems.
I have had so many wonderful things happen for me in the last week..the first week in a very long time that I have been free to spend as much time as I desired to dress and express myself. I have been living full time except for the times when I couldn't because i was on the job...but even then I have began to incorporating a lot more feminine items into my everyday male stuff to form a pseudo-androgynous look.
Well, I had a little dilema arise recently which had me questioning other aspects of myself and I felt like I was at a crossroads and I ended up taking drastic measures to answer these questions...and determine which fork I was going to continue my journey on.
I say I took drastic measures because I did something which actually goes against my very nature and the self imposed principals I try to live my life by.
Perhaps this self imposed Guilt Trip is what caused my kharma train to temporarily jump its tracks ...because I almost immediatley began suffering from attacks of guilt, heart burn, insomnia, Headaches and a restless mind which wouldn't stop racing....and no there is no underlying medical problems...at least according to the Physicians I have seen in the past.
On top of all this, I had some issues also arise with a family member...not related to my dressing but it seemed that all of a sudden all the joy and happiness, peace and contentment and progress I felt I was making began crumbling around me.
Yep...I felt as if I was indeed riding the Kharma Train....Acting on one bad decision, regardless of how well intended for me, had negative connotations and my life was sliding back into turmoil.
As it happened I had a little ray of sunshine come into my life yesterday and her name is Erica....I was chatting on a beauty/fashion forum and mentioned my situation and started up a chat with this very sweet young lady.
Afte awhile she said that she would like to meet with me if i wasn't afraid to come out into a public location as she had some clothing and accesory items she would like me to have. She had cleaned out her closet recently and was preparing to donat them anyway, so I agreed and went to meet her at a local Thrift Store.
She was just as warm, firendly, Kind and considerate as I had been given to believe she would be from our chats...and well...she sort of restored my faith in human kindness and understanding. I took the items she wanted to give me...several very lovely tops, a few accesories..Earrings, New Make Up Brushes etc...and we chatted and departed with the promise to stay in touch.
On the way back home I could see the outline of an envelope in the bag and pulled it out...opened it and found a very pretty and most feminine card inside.
It reads: Wendy- Good Luck on your Journey. You are so brave to live the life you have imagined & be yourself.
I felt it was such a herat felt sentiment..simple and to the point that I teared up in the car and as we all know...a middle aged transgender crying in her car in mid day traffic with mascara running down her face isn't a pretty sight.
I have come to realize that as protective as some of us are of our privacy, and being fearful of what the rest of the world may think of us, or say about us. (I am one of them.)
If we don't take the chance, and put ourselves out there....we never really will know that there are people out there who are genuinely kind, considerate and understanding to our views.
I have always liked the concept behind the "Pay it Forward." movement and I believe this is something that I am going to try and incorporate more into my everyday life....Erica touched my heart yesterday and moved me with such a simple jesture, she has me wanting to be a better person regardless of what gender I am viewed as....Hopefully, if i can live up to this.... it might someday earn me an upgraded ticket on the Kharma Train.
If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:
