I need a break. I am floundering around, losing my focus and direction, confused and depressed. This year, I have experienced too many highs, and too many lows. The higher I seem to go, the farther and harder I fall shortly thereafter. I am riding the so-called "emotional rollercoaster," and I do not know how to get off.
I have written on this forum about the battles both my father and sister are fighting against cancer. I have witnessed too much pain, heartache, and misery this year. I have taken more than two months total time off from work to be with my sister through her surgeries and treatment. I have been there for my brother-in-law to help raise his and my sister’s beautiful baby girl through all of this. I have been there for him while he was laid off from work in the middle of my sister’s treatments earlier this year.
I am there for both of them now as they struggle through her recovery, and serious marital issues born from terrible luck, bad timing, and just plain bad circumstances as a result of the hardships from the cancer and lost job. I am there for my mother as she is struggling with my father’s illness and his treatments. Likewise, of course, I am here for my father as he is going through his own battle. I travel regularly, and communicate with everyone constantly via telephone, facetime, email, text, telegram, pigeon carrier, morse code, and smoke signals. I have become both my sister's and mother’s crutch, but of course, there is not a thing in the world I would not do for either of them.
My wife, however, has an extremely demanding job, which requires long hours of work, and makes me the primary care taker of our six year old daughter in the extreme. I also have my own demanding, full-time job to worry about.
I have had to be strong for too long for too many people this year, at the expense of myself, and it has finally caught up to me. My focus at work is completely shattered. I am easily distracted, consistently irritable, and constantly exhausted from not sleeping. I am living off of “energy” drinks just to make it through the day, every day. I am withdrawing from those around me and losing myself. I am neglecting my own family and myself. My wife sees it, my daughter sees it, even I can see it, yet I seem helpless to do anything about it.
Over the past couple of months, I have spent a fair amount of time on this forum. I have learned much, and contributed in whatever small way I have been able to. I have been fortunate enough to make some very good friends here. And I have extended my closet in ways I never thought previously possible. I am very much grateful for all of this, and have felt much joy over the course of my membership here since March.
But, I have let myself become obsessed with this forum, my place here, and all that it has to offer, at the expense of other things within my life that are currently spiraling quickly out of control. Certainly, I have needed my time here, and I shall continue to need it in the future.
I think, however, that I need a break from the forum. The highs that I have experienced here have been too high. Coming down from them has left me more vulnerable to all of the negative aspects of what is going on around me. I need to get my head straight, regain my focus, regain my depleted strength, and regain control of the things I have let go. The feeling that I am slipping away, withdrawing into complete, total, abject apathy, and becoming numb to myself and others is simply too much. I have experienced too much emotion lately, and am now at serious risk of feeling no emotion at all. I am quite clearly in the midst of depression. For the sake of those around me, and myself, I simply cannot afford to lose myself further. Yet, lost I am, and that scares the hell out of me.
I have cried much this year, and I know I will continue to cry for some time. But I also have faith and hope that a better day will come soon. In this, I am confident better days lay ahead. I know it will be so, and I very much look forward to it. But until it does, I must keep myself composed, and I am anything but composed right now.
I do not know how long I will be away. Perhaps only a couple of weeks, a month, or maybe longer. I am not sure. You all have been fantastic, and I look forward to returning soon. I apologize if this seems dramatic, unnecessary, or over the top, but at least this post is much shorter than my typical posts, so there’s at least that . . . .
I thank you all for being so great, kind, and wonderful to me these past months! See you soon!
Anne
Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help. It's a tough place you're in but it's only a temporary thing. Best of luck girl!
If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:
