Stop the lies

[Katrina Black]

Hi All , My name is Tina . I could use your thoughts. Like most everyone else ive dressed off and on my whole life ,with long periods of time in between. Been married 20 years to a very good wife ,for pretty much the last 18 years i never dressed at all ..( kids all grown up now) in the last two years ive been dressing and practicing my look every chance i could ,( in secret). Then it finally happened and my wife found my make up , a wig, a bra , some jewlery, . She did not find any clothes. Well i thought this was the end of my life...as i knew it.. But she surprized me by saying she understood that its kinda normal for some guys ,and that if im one of them she knows i have to be who i am and she can't change it. she dosent like it ,and doesnt want to see it. and divorce has been mentioned . This hurt her alot because i lied and was not honest . At the time i told her that i only put on make up and did not dress or go outside.(more lies) I would have loved to tell her before we got married but i had no idea i would ever feel the way i do now . I offered to show her some of my best pictures to show her im pretty good at it, but she did not want to see them . the desire to dress is way up , I feel fantastic as Tina. I go out when i can (still in secret). So question is how to approach her to tell her that i want to go out as Tina with her knowledge. ? ( i dont want to keep hiding) . I think shes understanding enough but this could also put her over the edge . I dont want to push it to far what do you suggest? I want to be honest from now on, but How to tell her? does she really want to know? (no more lies)

[Alice B]

Of course Honesty if the Best Policy. What I did was to research the net and find articles about cross dressing. Then I printed them out and highlighted all aprts that applied to me. I then gave them to my wife to digest and then we sat down and had a serious talk. I answered all questions with total honesty. We had several talks and arrived at a working agreement. I could dress when she was not home, etc. Over time I gain ed more and more trust and more and more freedom. She now understands, accepts but does not want to participate or see me dressed. But, once in a while I can dress when she is home and I can go out dressed. You have to have the talk and assure her of your love for her and that you do not want to become a woman and are not gay. You have to be able to give in a little and not push the envelope too hard. Good luck.

[david]

listen katrina if this is really how you feel inside then try to explain to her that althoughe you will alwas love her she must come to the conclusion that this is how you feel and make a informed decision as to how to carry on with what you had in the beggining that is love.Be her best friend and explain that she is the only one in your life and coud she life with you as you were and if not coud she life with you as you are .Life is to short so try to life as you are happy. davinax

[Katrina Black]

Yes Alice i know your right need to have the talk . And i feel that with her allowing me to go out i;ll love her even more for being so supportive. im just affraid it could blow up in my face.. but ive deceided it has to be done , and it must be done the proper way,,

[Eryn]

My take on it is that the past is past. You and your spouse need to acknowledge that and look to the future. I think that she has a good understanding that this is a part of you and that it doesn't go away. I don't think that a DADT arrangement is particularly desirable because insisting upon such an arrangement means that the spouse views CDing (and her husband) in a very negative light.

It's unrealistic to expect a spouse to embrace her husband's CDing immediately. It's a big change in attitude and might require considerably shedding of old prejudices. This takes time and, very importantly, communication. Lots of communication.

I'm extremely lucky that my wife realized how important this journey of self-discovery was to me, and went out of her way to learn about CDing on her own. this forum was very helpful to her in this regard. Our relationship is now stronger than ever and I think that we are both happier. I have more freedom to be myself and my spouse has a more stable and level-headed husband with less anger and frustration than I experienced before she knew.

[sarac]

I totally understand how you feel. I am sure 99 percent of the girls here will tell you honesty is best. Only you know your wife, we here do not. You said she mentioned divorce, so for you I think you know best. You need to decide if at this time you should risk it or if it's something you may want. I feel if you continue without telling and she finds out it is more likely it may happen. Here's where everyone will disagree, I think maybe wait a bit and see how it is going with her. Keeping in mind if she learns it may or will be worse. I am so sure the girls here will say I am all wrong and maybe they are right. I think before you risk divorce if it's on the plate, you need to decide if it's Ok and see how she's doing then tell her. There is no doubt you will need to I just think you need to decide the time. It's only my opinion and half the time i don't always agree. My marriage went from bad to ok to not good after going out, but each of us are different and our wives are as well. It's I feel you need to decide about Tina. ..........good luck Sara

[Katrina Black]

I am slowing things down for awhile(dressing) trying to understand who i am and what this will do to us .. but i will have that talk soon with the proper wisdom from all of you ..if im honest and i love her it will work out one way or the other but the lieing is no good.. I will be honest with this ...Sara you are not wrong .this needs to be handled slowly ,with lots of serious sit downs ..

[Brynna M]

Best of luck. I doubt the process of understanding will go easily but after a difficult process I believe it can turn out well.

[docrobbysherry]

"Honest is the best policy. The truth never hurt anyone." I heard those nice old parables back in Cubscouts. However, here's some for the REAL ADULT WORLD:

There r such things as white lies.
The truth hurts! The whole truth REALLY hurts!
"U can't handle the truth!"- Jack Nicholson
If u tell the truth ALL THE TIME, u will live and die alone!
"The ONLY people that don't tell lies live in Forest Lawn!"- RSherry

That's my 2 cents, Katrina. My marriage failed, so I can't give u advise on that, except this;
if you're still together, you're doing some things RITE!

[Mikaela]

Also, it's not a matter of how good you are at it. That's not what's going to be going through your wife's mind. She's going to be worried about the trust issues, the lying, the fact that you've lived some sort of facade with her for years. You've challenged her perception of you. You need to resolve those things before you try to get her to see your feminine side.

[Diana Bain]

Hi Tina, I know this is a tough time for both of you...you've lost the "trust in each other that you once shared"....this part of us that we all share here is complicated at best. Your wife probally has many thoughts and questions. Take your time...talk with her and give her time to digest what has been said there are GG on this site she could talk to...may'be they could help. Keep talking to each other...I wish the best to you both... Diana

[DebbieL]

You've invested 20 years in your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you are not quite ready to give that up.

There are a number of different reactions women can have to discovering that you are transgendered. Much of which has more to do with the deception and dishonesty, as well as the natural fear of the unknown.

Let's start with the most optimistic and work down, shall we?

1 - I'm so glad you finally got honest with me. I've suspected it for years, but I didn't want to upset you if you weren't interested. I was afraid you would feel emasculated if I offered to feminize you. I think you'd make a pretty girl and I'd like to help you out. - JACKPOT!!

2 - That's why you like to go shopping with me! Want to go shopping? We can pick up something for you too.

3 - I'm having a hard time imagining you as a girl. Let's try it for the Halloween party and see how you look.

4 - I love you as a man, but I hope you don't want me to have sex with you, I'm not a lesbian. But we could go shopping together.

5 - Thank God that's all it was, I thought you were having an affair. It's some of your softer gentler qualities I love about you, I don't want to lose you.

6 - I've often wondered what the deal was, but I'm really not sure I want to go out with your femme self.

7 - You've always been a bit more effeminate than most men, I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm not sure I want to know any more.

8 - I understand your need to dress up, and be more like a woman, but I have some needs too. If I let you dress up, would you do xxx for me? xxx could range from sexual things to doing the laundry to cleaning the house to more traditional chores you've resisted in the past. Your admission of what's so important to you, what's worth risking your marriage, what's so important that you kept it a secret for all these years, may give her the freedom to share something that's equally important to her.

9 - I have a million questions! How long have you been this way? How did you get started? Have you seen a shrink? Are you gay? Are you having an affair? Are you going to prostitutes? Are you planning on getting a sex change? Are you going to shave your legs? Are you going to shave off that beard? Do you want to have sex with me as a girl? Do you want to have sex with a man as a girl? Do you want to have a 3-some? Can you still make love as a man? Can you make love to me like a woman would? Would you be willing to take on some of the responsibilities and chores of a woman? (Laundry, cleaning, cooking, sewing).

10 - After all these years of parading around, proving your manhood, and being Mr Macho, NOW you want to wear a dress? I'm gonna have fun with this!!

11 - Don't do it at home, don't tell me about it, I don't want to know any more, and if you have sex with anyone else, don't expect sex from me.

12 - I'll go call the preacher, he can do an exorcism. If that doesn't work we can send you to one of those camps where they can streighten you out.


I'm sure there are dozens more.

How your wife or loved ones will respond to you as a woman has a lot to do with who you have been as a man.

If you have been trying to put up a false front, acting more macho, more masculine, and more rigidly gender conformant to hide your femminine identity and make sure that nobody discovers your feminine self, things will probably not go well with you. If your wife wants to feminize you, it might be that she wants to humiliate you in private and/or in public. Sometimes this can work out well, but you may find yourself being pushed farther and faster than you had hoped. On the flip side, she may be afraid of what would happen if your secret came out. Would you lose your job? Would her family be upset? Would your family disown and disinherit you? Would your friends at the fundamentalist Christian church be burning crosses in your front yard? Until she is comfortable with how you express it, where and when you express it, and the actual consequences, she may be very afraid that even telling others about your little secret - that you've successfully kept for 20 years - that it could you and her everything the two of you have worked for for the last 20 years.

In my worst case scenario, I lost my job, my wife, my kids, ended up living in a no-tell motel for 6 months, and had to pay half my after-tax income to my ex-wife and her husband for 15 years. In this case, I had told my ex 6 months after we moved in together, but before we got married. She hoped it would just "go away", that I would outgrow it or something. I finished paying child support about 7 years ago.

In my best case scenario, I had come out to a number of people and when I saw them, they told me there was someone I HAD to meet. She told me that she knew about Debbie and really wanted to get to know me AND Debbie. She not only supported my feminine identity, but actually PREFERRED it, and encouraged me to "Get Dressed" as soon as I got home.

My current wife likes Debbie, but wants me to dress a bit more conservatively and age-appropriately. It's not as much fun as stopping traffic, but it's much easier to pass.

Probably the most important thing a wife needs to know when this realization is made is how much your fear paralyzed you, how much you wanted to tell her, how you didn't tell others, what life was like for you "in the closet". She also needs to know that some of the things she likes most about you came from your feminine side and that she already knows your femminine persona. You might even go so far as pointing out all the things you do that you know irritate the crap out of her - and tell her that's your boy. Then remind her of all the things she loves most about you, and tell her that's your girl.

More than anything, she wants to know that this "Other Woman" won't try and kidnap the husband she loves and take him places she doesn't want him to go (HIV, AIDS, Affairs, Jail, Psych wards, excommunication...). If that were the case, you wouldn't have stayed married for 20 years.

One thing that may help. One of the reasons that the Benjemen protocol requires SRS candidates to live as a woman for a year or two before making irreversible changes, is because many of those who go through the daily process of having to do all of the things needed to be presentable as a woman - find that they would rather just do it occaisionally and do the easy route of going to work and most other functions as a man, then just saving the girl for the parties or special social events.

[SheriM]

Let's get down to Reality. I agree with docrobbysherry. If you believe that it will hurt your wife too much or that she will not understand or that she will leave an otherwise stable marriage, then you should keep this part of your life to yourself.
My wife does not understand and has said she does not like it that I like womens clothes. She does allow me to wear panties and occasionally pantyhose and a girdle. She does not understand why I would like to wear a bra or anything else so the rest of the clothes are hidden and only come out when I am alone. If she suspects, she doesn't ask and I don't bring it up.
You have to make the choice of what or how much to tell and that choice can be a tough one. Good luck to you.

[Tina B.]

Sorry, but from one Tina to another, it's all a gamble. You are damned if you don't tell, and can be damned if you do! You have just got to know the person you are talking to, so women handle it well, but there are many story's where it didn't go so go. If her opinions on it are to negative, then you may o more harm than good by pushing for more. next to honesty, the best thing is Patience, give her time to adjust to this information, and when you try to bring it up, if she balks at talking about it, back off and wait a while, pick your time and battles very carefully, you have a lot at risk.
Tina B.

[Karren H]

My wife was almost the same way.... Was really hard on her. And I really didn't blame her if she did leave. She didn't sign up for this. Even after 4 years there is an uneasiness. Trying to rebuild the trust she had in me is slow and probably will never get back to that day she found out. Personally if she doesn't want to see it then let it drop!! You keep sticking it in her face she will leave! You need to decide what's more important. Doubt very much you can have both... For very long. From reading a ton of these situations. I've never heard of a wife who was unaccepting or marginally accepting doing the flop to fully accepting. Usually it goes down hill from where you are. My wife knows I still dress, she just doesn't want to know or see. So as long as i keep it out of her face she's happish... Maybe you can come to some kind of agreement. But push this on her and she will leave you... Imho

[*Vanessa*]

I feel your pain and confusion Katrina.
My 2 cents;
- From what you have written you haven't lied, you just didn't include her with all of your life and I'm not trying to beat around the bush on this one).
- Don't show her your photos, what they will represents is your past exclusions and you will not be seen in them.
- Let her start the conversations, then bit your lip and answer as honest as possible.
- I don't think telling her about all the times you lied is being honest. The past is the past, draw a line and move forward.
Later - hope this helps
v.
PS you are very pretty by the way, love your smile

[Maria2004]

Truth and trust, honesty and integrity, words one can use to beat another or yourself over the head, old Doc Sherry got it. My deal is what happens when you are faced with a truly no win situation. Do you have the courage to loose.

[kimdl93]

Personally, I like Alice's approach. Provide information, communicate honestly and frequently, and be patient. But beyond that, know your best alternative in the event that the two of you can't reach some sort of understanding and accomodation.

[Kathy4ever]

I second Karrens advice. My situation has only been 2 and half years. It is hard not to be yourself. Family comes first. You need to find out the ground rules. I would be very carefull about sneaking around. She catches again then her threat could be realized. I wish you good luck on your situation.

My wife was almost the same way.... Was really hard on her. And I really didn't blame her if she did leave. She didn't sign up for this. Even after 4 years there is an uneasiness. Trying to rebuild the trust she had in me is slow and probably will never get back to that day she found out. Personally if she doesn't want to see it then let it drop!! You keep sticking it in her face she will leave! You need to decide what's more important. Doubt very much you can have both... For very long. From reading a ton of these situations. I've never heard of a wife who was unaccepting or marginally accepting doing the flop to fully accepting. Usually it goes down hill from where you are. My wife knows I still dress, she just doesn't want to know or see. So as long as i keep it out of her face she's happish... Maybe you can come to some kind of agreement. But push this on her and she will leave you... Imho

[ReineD]

I agree with Alice B. You've got to find a way to tell her the truth, and then the two of you can work on a solution even if it is "Don't Ask Don't Tell" when she is out. Whatever you do, please do not go out dressed behind her back until you've talked to her. This will only spell disaster down the line.

Karren Hutton also has a point .. you do not want to ram the dressing down your wife's throat. But talking about this is not dressing and your wife does deserve to know where you're at with all of this. You could tell her that you will not dress for a period of say, 3 months while the two of you sort this out.

Good luck!

Have you read these links?

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...It-Now-I-Don-t

[Katrina Black]

I want to thank everyone ,,,i will digest all this info and procede with caution

[prene]

Yes i do agree "Honest is the best policy".

You may want to see a therapist they may be able to help.

I see one and it has helped me.

Good luck, I know what you mean it is great to dress

[Allsteamedup]

What worries me most is your approach, but that could be your style of writing.

Reading the threads that Reine has given you, and having a good think about the parts that you don't like to read will help you in the long run.

Going out dressed is a big issue for most SOs. You have not said how you will get past your neighbours, where you are going, how you will be dressed etc. These are big issues for your wife. Are you meeting other men, are you clubbing or are you just plain up to no good. You see, once you've aroused suspicions, this could go anywhere.

What worries women is how cding escalates. You sort out one situation (my husband wears ladies clothes) and then you are into another (he's out of the door dressed. Why?)

If you've got passed the first hurdle, and can rebuild trust in your relationship (do not underestimate this one) the next likely step would be to get some support for your wife, through a local support group or on this site.
Good luck!

[Katrina Black]

I would like to thank everyone who helped me last week with advice on how to tell my wife about my dressing like a women ...I read and digested all the advice . So i was going to go real slow ..(She allready had found some things and we had a your busted kinda talk ), but this was a yes i love to dress as a women ,feel like a women talk .. I started it by going upstairs and asking her if i could paint her toenails , thats all i planned on doing remember i was going to go slow ...she loved me spending that kind of time with her and one thing lead to another ,.. I was 100% honest to all her Questions and we talked about both of us getting professional help which i look forward to ..We talked for at least five hours and i felt closer to her than at any other point in our marriage ..I trully held nothing back ..shes a very tolerant women . Its not all roses and champain yet..and theres a lot of sharing and trust to work out but it is on a better path now . I think were bonding agian and it really feels great... Thanks from Tina

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like a nice beginning, Kat. Just remember, "baby steps". It's kind of like moving to a new country for her! It may take awhile for her to figure out how to speak the language and where the bus stops r!