Trying to understand

[prettytoes]

I often ponder why I am the way I am.
I love the way women's clothing fits and feels on me. It just feels right and natural to be dressed in feminine clothing. I have very masculine hobbies (hunting, fishing, ATV's, etc), I love looking at beautiful women (especially my wife!) and I am pretty much all man. I will never pass as a woman, and I sometimes wonder "why am I doing this"? Life would be much easier if I was comfortable in boxers instead of satin or cotton bikini panties with "cute" patterns and colors, if I didn't love painting my toenails and looking down and seeing pretty colors and dainty toerings, if skirts didn't feel so damn comfortable, if I prefered baggy sweatpants over tight flare-leg yoga pants, if wearing a bra didn't feel so natural, and if I could sleep as good in pajamas as I do in a satin chemise nightie. My wife is pretty good about everything, because of her deep and eternal love for me. I am quite sure that she would prefer the easy route as well, given the choice.
This has been a part of me ever since I can remember, and I think my father also crossdressed, but kept it very well hidden from his children, as I do. I know this is not something I can change. I have purged in the past and it only left me feeling depressed and eventually replacing all the clothing. I have been much happier, have been sleeping better at night, and have been far less stressed since my wife of 26 years discovered my secret and I have been able to express my feminine side, but I still have trouble understanding why I was wired this way..seems like a few wires got crossed during production.

[Katrina Black]

or maybe they have been spliced together and now the light works

[Jessica Ames]

I've (and many others here I'm sure) thought this way for a long time. It would be so much easier to just be "normal". What I try to remind myself about is that we (our community) more often than not, hides these feelings and this part of who we are, from the rest of the world. I believe that most people have things that they don't share with everyone, because of fear or rejection or whatever. It can plague you at times, but be aware that it is just part of who you are. Don't be ashamed, but learn how you can enjoy being open with yourself and your wife. Try not to turn something that is obviously so enjoyable, into something negative in your life. There is enough negativity around us, and you don't have to let this become another.

[CynthiaD]

No matter how many times this question gets asked, it's still fascinating to me. I don't know why, and it seems that no one else does either. I'm not sure I even want to know the answer. The only thing I do know is I'd rather be like I am than be "normal. " (What ever that is.) Actually I suspect that the real "answer" is to learn how to like being who you are. At least it works for me.

[Daphne]

That is the $64,000 dollar question. If we had the answer, Im sure we all would be multi-millionairs by now.

[Danni Renee]

I hope you reach the point where you no longer wonder why you are the way you are. I have only recently stopped asking myself why I am the way I am and am focused now on accepting that I am this way and integrating it into my life to the point I can finally be happy with myself. I do not think even if I spent more time trying to figure out the "why" that I would ever find an answer. Was it growing up with out a male figure around the house, was there some event that triggered something inside of me, is this just a sexual outlet, or a way to fight the lonliness I feel. I have no answers. What I know is that I am Danielle and it is time I be who I am. I am happiest enfemme and I cannot go back to the way things were before. I am still a work in progress though - darn reality!

Danni

[TGMarla]

All life energy is made up of the good and the evil, the masculine and the feminine. We are all, in our souls, a mixture of these four things. When your soul broke away from God to come here and live your life, a bit more of the feminine than is usual arrived to be born in your body. The masculine in you is pure and healthy. But the feminine in you is strong, and it too, is pure and healthy. It happily manifests itself in its affinity for wearing feminine clothing. And your wearing this clothing nurtures that pure and healthy feminine quality that lives in your soul. It only makes you unique, not damaged.

[SIZE=1]That's my story and I'm sticking to it![/SIZE]

[Lucy_Bella]

I would like to know the answers to these questions... Its a shame we live in a society that treats their own as we get treated by most.. Ever wondered ? That if being yourself , had no Taboo tied to it? What kind of world we would be living in?
Some things in life we are just not in the need to know, like is there really a God and if so why
would such a God curse or bless those of us here?

[Schatten Lupus]

The simple, and probably best answer is that nature is filled diversity, and when a fetus is developing there millions of genetic splices, merges, reproductions, and copying going on with DNA and RNA that you never will find someone who is perfectly "normal" and doesn't have any sort of abnormalities (as society would define abnormal). It just happened, the same way it just happens that someone has red hair, olive-colored skin, will be tall or short, or any other attribute of a person.
And yes it would be so much easier if we weren't this way. But it's the way we are, it's the way nature made us, and since we aren't causing any real harm then there really is nothing to be ashamed of. But the last time I dressed, I remember thinking I wish it didn't feel so good and so right. I wish I could just take the magical pill and never desire to be a woman again. It would make life SO MUCH easier. But it's no different that day dreaming of being our dog or cat, to give up all the hassle and stress of life to have such a simple life where we sleep most the day away and seem to not have a care in the world. The reality it's who we are, and it won't go away, so we may as well learn to accept and love ourselves just as anyone else. My girlfriend even wishes (and I'm sure many supportive SO's also have in the back of their heads) that it could be easier, and she has realized that life for the both of us will be hard, but she would rather have that than see me miserable living as a man.
But what you're thinking is very normal. And not just for people of the transgender spectrum. For any given culture, for any given social setting, there will be those who won't fit in and will have a desire to fit in for an easier existence. You wouldn't be human if at some point in time you don't desire to fit in. But once you get past that point, you will find there is no price too great for the privilege of owning oneself.

[Karren H]

When it comes to why.... I have developed jimmy Crack Corn syndrome... Even if you knew it wouldn't change a thing so its wasted effort. Imo.

[NathalieX66]

I'm still trying to understand why everyone loves eating raw tomatoes, and I don't.

Though many of my friends don't understand my fanatical love of sushi either.

[DebbieL]

The irony is that you are actually normal. If you were a transexual, you would want to hang out with the girls all the time, do the things girls do, and have much less interest in manly things. Fortunately, being transgedered is a much broader spectrum. There are certain parts of the female world you love, like the clothing, and the rest you can do with or without.

As for loving the feel of women's clothes, that's not an accident. Men typically have a pretty limited set of "Uniforms" which are considered socially acceptable. Long pants, shorts that are over the knee, dress shirt, sport shirt, golf/tennis shirt, and tee-shirt. Men's clothes are primarily designed for protection and conformity. Most men's fashions are patterned after military uniforms or athletic uniforms. For men, dressing in the appropriate uniform provides a sense of belonging, equality, and comraderie. You're all in the same club, so you all wear the same uniform for the common activity. Jeans are made of a thicker and courser material because they need to protect the wearer from projectiles. For example, the carpenter has to deal with flying wood-chips, the welder with sparks, the biker from gravel and "road rash", and so on. In professional circles, professionals wear dress shirts, managers add a tie, executives add a suit jacket. Brokers, lawyers, and bankers often add a vest for the 3-piece suit.

Women, have a much wider spectrum of fabrics and styles to choose from. Furthermore, women are more concerned about not letting their clothes damage their skin. Wearing jeans on Friday afternoon might be OK, but if she wants to go Clubbing at night, those jeans better not leave her legs with welts and red spots. Women's fabrics run a wide range from the softness of cashmere, to the shiny smooth satin, to luxurious nylons. There is the gentle and delicate chiffon, and the tight spandex that, when fit properly feels like a big hug. There are also a wider variety of cuts as well. The shorts can have barely any leg at all, barely covering the basics, to mid thigh to capri styles that go over the knee or mid-calf. Pants can be so tight the leggings are almost like a second skin, to pelazo pants that flow and billow like a long flowing skirt. Blouse cuts range from camisoles worn over a bra, or even with the bra built-in, to layers of clothing including a satin camisole, open front shirt, and jacket. The woman can choose to show as much or as little as she wants. And for a nicer fit, she can wear foundation garments which can range from Latex found in girdles to spandex of shapeware, to the delicate acetate of the satin slip or half-slip.

Even when wearing a skirt, a camisole, and a sweater, there are many options for the legs. The simple bare leg is the most challenging, since all hair has to be removed and be smooth. There are also the various tanning options from the real sun tan to tanning booths, to spray-on tans to self-tanning lotions to spray on color. There are a variety of hosiery options including panty hose which range from sheer to the waist and ultra-sheer to firm support with body shaping control "panties". There are stockings that stay up by themselves (or with a bit of adhesive), and stockings with garter belts or corsets or girdles.

Very few women opt for any single style or fabric. Why should they? With all the choices available, they can shop for what looks good and feels good, and mix and match for varous situations. Most men have around 10-12 pairs of pants, including dress and casual. Women might have 10 pairs of pants, 10 skirts, 10 pairs of shorts of various types, and 10 pairs of leggings, jeggings, or similar tighter pants. Men might have 3-4 pair of shoes. Women often have at least 10 pairs of shoes, including flats, slings, pumps, clogs, slippers, and loafers. She may have heels ranging from tennis shoe flat to 3,4, or even 5 inch heels, with or without platforms in the toes to moderate the rise. Shorter women tend to wear heels more often, taller women tend to like flats and lower heels.

If you had to eat at the same restaurant every day, and all they served at that restaurant was beef and potatoes, but this included hamburgers, hot dogs, steaks, and ribs, you might be able to be comfortable with it. You'd get used to it, and you'd probably even enjoy it.

But if, for the first time in your life, you were introduced to a restaurant where they had all kinds of meats, vegetables, fruits, sea foods, fish, and poultry, and you could have your choice of any of these in various combinations every day, it wouldn't take long to reach a point where you really liked all that variety. You might even develop some new favorites. But imagine how upset you would be if this new restaurant, with all it's variety, was shut down by the health department because they were serving things other than beef and potatoes. At that point, going back to your old restaurant would be much more difficult, and would be even more unpleasant, since it wasn't your choice and you no longer have the option of those favorite dishes such as lobster, artichokes, avocados, and wonderful fruits and deserts.

If you think about it carefully, it would be unnatural for you NOT to prefer all of this wonderful variety available in women's clothing. It would be unnatural for you not to have at least a few favorites once you began to sample the spectrum available and were able to experience the feel and look of the different fabrics, cuts, styles, and options.

Ironically, if you suddenly had to switch to ONLY those favorites, it would be like eating Lobster every day. At first it would be wonderful. After a while it would be just normal, and eventually you'd get sick of lobster and want to try something else. You might even want to try a nice steak once in a while.

[Maria 60]

Sounds like my life, but since this site i have excepted and stopped asking why. As far as for my wife i feel as if iam putting alot on her plate. She is really heaven sent. Yesterday we walked into a Nine West shoe store and they were having a clearance sale. My wife picked up a pair of shoes and said, there your size and there only $15.dollars do you want them? I said no. When we got back in the car she said i was crazy to let those shoes go and why i didn't like them. I said are kidding i loved those shoes but i didn't want you to feel uncomfortable buying a pair of shoes three times your shoe size. She said she didn't care about what people think and if she could help me in anyway, she would. What a sweaty.

[sissystephanie]

The answer to your question is really very simple. You are the way you are because YOU WANT TO BE!! There is no other answer! Many people, including a lot of the members here, will say that there physical reasons or maybe some other types of reasons, but the major reason is simply because you want to dress!! Your mind controls you and if you really think about that, you know it is true!!

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe you're just NOT as masculine as u thot u were, Pretty! Maybe you're a LOT more fem than u thot u were!

But, isn't THAT why we're ALL HERE!? And, not watching TV sports, or drinking beer, or planning our weekend camping trip with the guys?

[Cynthia Anne]

I've read all sugestions thus far in this thread and I still come up blank! For instance if I want to be this way then why does my mind tell me I DON'T want to be sometimes! Do I have two minds! If so which is evil and which one is good! And as far as raw tomatoes go I would rather have a raw onion! Now more confused in Missouri! Hugs!

[Veronica 1]

I know how you feel. I could not pass with all the makeup in china. Trouble is that I have lived this way for so long that I thought it was normal. lol

[Karren H]

The answer to your question is really very simple. You are the way you are because YOU WANT TO BE!! !!

So not true!! This is not what I want. This is what I HAVE to do!! Want has nothing to do with. Or very little. If I could do what I wanted I'd pick one team or the other and stick with it. And play ice hockey a lot more. And have a pony! Lol.

[prettytoes]

Wow!, thanks for all the fantastic replies!
I am very happy with the way I am, I just sometimes think life would be easier (and cheaper!) if I wasn't this way. I am also very greatful that I have a wonderful wife that supports me and loves me no matter what. It is really nice to know that I have a closet full of beautiful things to chose from, rather than jeans an a t-shirt all the time (sorry Karren, it's what I wear in male mode!). It's also nice to know that I have so many friends to help out when questions like this arise.

[Angela2me]

Prettytoes, great question. DebbieL, great reply.

My problem is not so much 'trying to understand'. My problem is 'HOW'. Like prettytoes, I am happy being male and doing 'normal' male things. Like prettytoes and DebbieL, I love the feel of womens clothing but I do not want to look or be fully femme. I have no interest in makeup or enhanced breasts.

I can not wear a pretty and comfortable dress or skirt and top with a male face. It just does not work in public. I feel so comfortable and 'normal' in a long casual dress and cardigan or skirt and top and choosing femme colours, patterns and material. I do not want to go to being uncomfortable trying to apply makeup and more to disguise being male. As mentioned in another thread, I went out for dinner in a hotel with a CD/TS social group dressed in femme clothing and only added a wig but no makeup or disguise for my male face and I was told by some of our own people that I will have problems 'standing out' unless I look more passable.

I dont want to never wear the clothing I love. I dont want to apply makeup and disguise my self. I am not allowed to have both.

Angela

[Emily Ann Brown]

Yes, my wires are different that everybody's. So what?

Em

[xcdmargo]

I agree a lot with DebbieL. Women have so many wonderful choices and men have so very few. I love wearing womens clothing and I love the way they feel on me and I love the way I feel in them.
I have often wondered about the whole "normal" thing. Would my life have been better if I was "normal" probably not. The way we are wired (and I do not think it's a choice) I believe it makes us a better well rounded person. It makes us more accepting, kinder, thoughtful, creative, appreciative of other lifestyles, and I think it gives us a unique outlook on life. And it makes us have better fashion sense then a lot of women I know, LOL.
I'm 59 and have had so many thoughts about the way I am but you know I don't think i would change who I am. It would be nice if it was a little more acceptable to society but fortunately we all have each other.

I don't think anyone should worry too much about the whole passing thing either. Lord knows there are genetic men that don't pass for men and there are genetic women who wouldn't pass as women I think we look better than we give ourselves credit for.

margo