I couldn't do it

[Katie83]

So this evening was supposed to be my first time out as Katie. I had it all planned, the outfit, where i was going to go, what i was going to do etc.
I got myself ready, make up all done, clothes all on, i was ready to go i didn't want to walk to the car in my heels so i wore flat ballet pumps, and i didn't wear my wig, just in case a neighbour was looking out their window, i had my boots, wig, hairbrush etc in a bag with me.
I jumped in my car and drove off after a few miles i stopped to put on the wig and my boots, then continued my journey as Katie she was out of the house!
My plan was to go to a small shopping centre about 20miles from home, when i got there i was going to walk through and then back to my car.
I got to the shopping centre, parked up checked my hair and make up, got out of the car and then i couldn't move!! I could not make myself walk to the shopping centre, i have no idea why, i really really wanted to. So i got back in the car and came home.
I'm so upset and cross with myself for not doing it. Opportunities to go out are very rare for me. I don't know why I couldn't do it, maybe i'd have been able to if i'd been further from home? or a different time of day? or if i'd had someone with me?
Just wanted to share this with you all. Has it happened to anyone else? Any ideas tho help me next time please.
Thank you
Katie

[TxKimberly]

Oh yeah! I tried a LOT of time before I finally got the courage to go through with it. All kidding aside, I probably chickened out more than a dozen times. You have a lot of years of "programming" to over come my friend - a life time of having it shoved down your throat that "this" isn't acceptable, and that what your doing is "wrong". If you really want to, you WILL get over that hurdle though, and you will look back and say "Damn it! What took me so long?!"

[Cynthia Anne]

I call that cold feet! Been there a few times myself! Take a few baby steps first! Like driving to a quiet lot and get out a walk around a lil' bit then go back home! Gradulate into the larger steps! Befor you know it, you will be an ole pro! Hugs!

[juno]

I suspect that most people's first time planning to go out ends with chickening out at the front door. Having someone with you definitely helps. Just remember that the fear you feel will be replaced with happiness once you succeed. The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.

[Rebecca W.]

Hi Katie,
You made one major step towards your goal to be out in a public place as a woman, you drove about forty miles fully dressed! I am not sure of your time zone but if it was in the daylight, give yourself a lot of credit to do that much! I have only driven at night dressed and I am not even close to being out in public as a woman. You have several things going for you, first your appearance is very pretty,you know how to do makeup quite well, and you were smart to start out with an understated attire. Take it one step at a time and you will do great when you make your firat public appearance.

I look forward to hearing how your next attempt went. Try one store towards the end of the day to ease into it slowly.

Take Care and Good Luck

Rebecca

[Intertwined]

What I would do at the mall, before stepping out of my truck, sit there, watch the women going in and out of the mall, taking note of what they were wearing, in many cases I was nicer dressed than they were, AND ! say to myself, "I have just as much right to be in that mall as they do", guess what I am saying, I get a chip on my shoulder, when courage fails ya, anger rarely does....

[Wendy_Marie]

I keep saying this when I hear things like this...just remember..It's a marathon and not a Sprint. You'll go when and if you find you are ready to go.
We get enough crap and pressure from other without putting stress upon ourselves....give yourself a break and maybe next time work up to the mall/shopping center by taking a walk in the park and smelling the flowers.

[JustWendy]

I think you are being too hard on yourself. Like Rebecca said, you took a very big step today. Feel good about yourself. No, feel great about yourself. It'll give you confidence when the next opportunity presents. If you have a friend that can go with you, that can definitely help, but it sounds like you're already doing great! This isn't a race, so relax and enjoy each moment wherever it takes you.

Wendy

[Kaz]

Katie, you have made the first step in going out... well done! Congratulate yourself. You got out dressed (albeit with some subterfuge), drove in the car fully dressed, and got out out at the other side! Then you came home. It might sound crap, but this is significant and you have broken a barrier! You will be thinking that there are now more barriers, but that is how life goes in general.

Start small... grow big! But most importantly feel good about what you achieved tonight. First step on what may be a rollercoaster... when you are ready for it, and if not.. it will be what you want it to be...

[MarcyRex]

I second all the above comments. I still freeze up more often than I go out. Years of conditioning/suppression in play. It does get better. Its easier with a friend(s) too. I don't pass in the least but I remember holding a door (for a wheelchair person) and suddenly a 2nd group of people who were so involved with each other materialized with thier own wheelchair person. My gender wasn't given a second thought until I spoke, handing control of door to them. Then double takes all around, but by then I was already walking away. No bad comments, no snickers, just a sudden shocked realization that all was not as it seemed. I just rolled with it, didn't shy away. I am who I am. Made me realize while I don't pass, a lot of folks are very involved in thier own life to really care what is happening in mine. I still freeze up.[eye-roll] Crazy huh?

On a side note: The universe sure can be funny coordinating a situation that puts me on the spot, forcing an interaction.

[Rikidee]

Just keep trying I have been going out for 20 years and it took quite a few tries to get that first time under my belt. It would help greatly if you could get out of town to a motel and request a down and out room where you can park right outside the room (lessens the chances of running into someone up close). Having to stop down the road to finish dressing puts a lot more pressure on you, this way you could dress completely in the room before going out. I know it will work out for you. One more thing though, even though I have gone out dressed many times I still follow my instincts and even now I will get somewhere and when I survey the situation or the people around if I feel uncomfortable I will pass it up and go somewhere else.

[Diana Bain]

Katie, my heart goes out to you. You stepped beyond your door! I'm doing the same soon (at 58 years). Though it may not be what you wanted...be proud of what you did!!!

[Katie83]

Thank you for all your support. I guess it is a small acheivement i have made. It was getting dark when i went out, i think i will try during the day next time as there would be more people about to make me feel safer. I also may go for flat shoes instead of heels(even though i love heels and hate flats) so i don't feel too tall and i can concentrate on the rest of my image more. I'm not sure when i'll next get the opportunity to go out, but i do hope it won't be too far away.
Katie

[Inna]

Katie, first time is always the most trying, inability to feel relaxed creates nervous atmosphere and people sense that and passability dwindles . I would suggest you do just the same, get all dolled up and pretty, feeling confident but as a venue plan something different. Find a LGBT friendly club or bar where you shall find like-minded, nonjudgmental, and perhaps other trans folks. Relax, grab a drink and perhaps unwind and meet others like you.
I know this scenario did work wonders for me, and that is how I did my first appearance in this world out in the open, although I had help from my lovely girlfriends at the time

[Kathy4ever]

I would say you made an accomplishment by going as far as you did. It is scary at the begiinning so you will have to keep trying. All you need to do is work up the courage. Just remember all you have to do is 'put one foot in front of the other and soon you will be walking through that door"'. I'm proud of your accomplishment. That was me over two years ago. You have to start some where.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Katie

You have taken the first step getting out dressed. I know from experience getting to the shops from the car can be mighty difficult. Going out in daytime can be easier as people are usually to busy to notice you ( well apart from the guys that always notice a pretty lady ) go to some of the larger towns around you and you will realise no one really cares.

The other solution it to go to a TG friendly place which means they will be less pressure as you will be in an accepting place.

[Raychel]

That is a huige step, I have had this happen to me sometimes when I am not dressed. There has been places that I wanted to go, but could not muster up the confidence of courage to make those steps.

You did good.

[TGMarla]

Don't beat yourself up too bad, dear. It's tough, and like Kimberly said, you have years of programming you need to overcome. I go out every once in a while, and I still have to force my feet to move. Once I'm out, though, it feels quite normal and natura. You'll get there if you really want to. And if you don't, then don't sweat it too much. It doesn't make you less of a person to enjoy yourself in the safety and familiar surroundings of your own home.

[Brenda Freeman]

Katie,
I agree with what many said, Your first trip out was a big step and just the beginning. I am sure there will be many to come and with each more experience and cofidence. Have fun I know my first trips out I trembled from the fear and maybe the excitement trying something I had always dreamed of! I still get exited every time I walk out the door and am alittle nervous until I am out of the neighborhood, but I am having fun and wonder why I waited so long.

[*Vanessa*]

You'll be fine, take your time heading out. It's a process and will take a little practice 'tis all.

As stated many times, start small with a few steps and build a little history for yourself. Each time you go out take a few more steps in the park, to the mall doors, then return to your car as if you forgot something. It will happen for you Katie
v.

[PetiteDuality]

I'm planning my first time in a couple of weeks. My windows of opportunity is very tight, so I hope I don't get cold feet. This post helped a lot because I haven't thought a lot about getting remorse, and I need to plan ahead. Thanks!

[Kara in CT]

Katie,
I have been out many times and I still chicken out all the time. I make a plan to do something a little more daring like a restaurant or movie and make it to the door and then back to my car. You are doing great. You gotta make it out the door first and you did that. Remember Bill Murray kept saying "baby steps, baby steps."

Kara

Ps. I wouldn't be caught dead in flats

[sara.s]

when courage fails ya, anger rarely does....

Yeah, this works. I do it a bit differently though. i usually taunt myself as being weakling and then i retort by pumping myself saying i am not scared and i can do this..

[Katie83]

Ps. I wouldn't be caught dead in flats

I don't really want to wear flats, i hate them, but i really feel i need to get out, so it may be a sacrifice i have to make!
Katie

[sara.s]

I don't really want to wear flats, i hate them, but i really feel i need to get out, so it may be a sacrifice i have to make!
Katie

You could just plant the pair of heels in the car before you go to the car.

Edit: I do it the other way round.. i keep mens clothes, and makeup remover in the car before getting dressed and going to the car.