Hi Girls,
I'm very confused atm and would like some advice please.
When I read about women that have transitioned and their stories they often talk of knowing all along, that they were born into the wrong body and that gender issues had just always been a constant in their lives for as long as they could remember. I've been wondering a lot lately though if anybody has kinda grown into feeling that they want to be a woman and gone ahead with it?
Tbh, i don't even know how I feel myself but i'll try to explain it, i remember trying on my sisters/mums underwear when I was around 13 and dressing up the odd chance i'd get in my mums clothes and heels etc, I don't know when that stopped but it did at some point, I then joined the army when I was 19 and didnt think much about dressing for the next 7 years, I was def unsure of my sexuality, walking past gay bars in town and not having the guts to actually go in, that kind of thing, but I don't think i thought about dressing much. I then left the army and met my amazing wife, after her and a friend where trying to get me to try on a dress I, quite emotionally, told her that I couldnt have tried it on when her friend was there because it would have been obvious that I enjoyed it too much!
Told her all about trying on clothes when I was a kid and that ever since her and her friend mentioned trying the dress on i'd been dying to do it again and couldnt stop thinking about it, this was about 2 years ago, thankfully she's been amazing throughout and we go out shopping together, she does my makeup, and she's always trying to get me to go out dressed up (something i've never done) as she just knows that i'll love it, she even bought chelsea a satin nightie for christmas last year and she's been trying to get me to book a session at the MAC counter in leicester to give me more confidence with covering my shadow.
Anyways, the confusing part for me is that there was clearly a time (almost 12 years between 13 and 25) where cd'ing wasn't a part of my life at all, and barely thought about, being in the army though could have been a part of this, had I gone to uni and a more open-minded world my life could have been very different I imagine. But since i've started dressing, my desire to dress, be seen as a woman in public, and be treated like one, has grown and grown and grown, i find myself looking at women in the street, firstly admiring their outfits and thinking i might get something similar myself, and then being very envious for no reason but for them being female, i want their shape, I want real breasts, i want to swagger down the street in floaty dresses or leggings and boots, my wife complains about her breasts sagging and I tell her that apart from her being gorgeous i would LOVE to even have saggy boobs and to stop complaining!
I just really don't know whats going on in my head atm, I feel like I want to be a woman, and i sometimes feel that the only thing that stops me is the world I live in, how hard it is because of the world I live in, and the fact that most of the stories I read about women that have transitioned talk about always knowing, whereas I, apart from dressing for a year or so as a teenager, have only recently (a year or so) started feeling this way. I've spoke about this with my wife and she has been supportive as always, whenever I think of a 'but' she has an answer, we've both noticed though that i'm not as happy as I used to be, i've phoned her from working crying in the car, for no apparent reason, i feel like its not me thinking 'oh good i hate this body this isn't me' kind of thoughts but I can't think of a reason why, i just get really low and feel like crying.....
I don't really know if I have any other questions, or if i've asked anything at all, maybe I just wanted to write it down, I suppose my biggest issues are about my identity, i'm not the standard 'felt this way since i can remember' but i'm not sure if these are just regular thoughts for an active cd'er, or if i'm falling further down the rabbit hole and my feelings are something else.
Well that was a bit longer than I thought it would have been, thanks for reading I guess!