So, I am at a loss ...!

[Kathy_G]

So, here I am. Feeling a bit sorry for myself, drinking glass after glass of whisky as I wonder where I go from here. Yea, okay, I am Scottish (but I don’t wear a kilt!). I am not sorry for who I am, but sorry that none of my family or friends would accept me for what I am. Like most other folks here, I am a cross-dresser. And have been for most of my adult life. I never go ‘all the way’. I have never really used makeup, although I do admit to having used lipstick on occasion, and I did once have a try with eye shadow. I loved it! I could almost see myself going all the way at that point. And a wig, yes. I bought myself a blonde wig because blondes are supposed to have more fun. But it was only a mirror reflection, although I certainly did look different. But I have never dared step outside. Nor do I want to.

I have been a member of this site for a number of years and have never really taken part in any of the discussions, I know I am not alone when I admit to being an ‘elderly citizen’. I am seventy-three years old (in my 74th-year as some would say) and I enjoy wearing a skirt. I am frustrated that I can’t wear one as a matter of course. As I sit here at my PC I am wearing a navy calf-length pencil skirt over a black waist slip and black nylon panties. Above the waist I am wearing a white shirt, cos I am ‘still a man!’

My beloved wife of fifty years died two and a half years ago, but she really hated any thought that I might be into cross-dressing. She knew I did it, because she found my stash on more than one occasion, and clipped everything into little pieces so it couldn’t ever be worn again. All sexual relationships were cut off twenty-five years ago. With hindsight and 20-20 vision as they say, I am sure I could have latterly broached the subject, as she was bedridden for her final two years. But that might have really upset her and brought on her earlier demise. Oh God, or Goddess, I wish she was still here to share my life. In her latter days any thought of ’you’ and ’me’ went out the window. We were an ’us’ and I really would have loved to care for her in a skirt and heels.

So what am I rambling on about? I really don’t know. I love ‘prancing around’ in a skirt and heels. But heaven help me if my daughter or son were ever to discover their father’s abnormalities. When I die, and at seventy-three that day cannot be that far off, what is my family going to think when they find skirts and dresses (which would never have fitted their mother in her latter years) in my closet?

I really am a mess.

[kellylynn_31]

What they think at that point will not matter. Put the bottle down and call someone to talk with. Stay safe

[Alberta_Pat]

Kathy;

You are among friends here.

Many of us have experienced the loss you have. YOU are NOT ALONE!

How do you know that your friends and family would not accept your eccentricity? This sounds like an assumption on your part. Or is it an excuse to hide?

You are who you are. Whether that be a mean old codger who chases all and sundry with a cane, or a sweet loving person who is lost.

Deny yourself and be sad, or embrace yourself and be happy. Your choice. If people around you refuse to accept you for who you are, that is their loss.

Remember that the difference between weird and eccentric is money. That is the only difference.

Be true to yourself. Come out, or not. But, be the best you you can be.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Kathy, yours is a heavy cross to bear and the wiskey only makes it a lot heavier to carry.
Please think about talking to a priest or minister to help.
At almost 69 years old I often think about my things what will happen after I am gone
my wife could say the clothes are hers but not the shoes and forms.
My wife knows but not my daughters .

Orchid

[giuseppina]

Hi Kathy

What your family thinks of your crossdressing need not be of importance to you. The intolerance is their problem, not yours. Yes, it hurts, and deeply, but you will get past it and rise above them.

Please put the alcohol away and make an appointment with a licensed mental health professional. Unfortuneately, members of the clergy are almost never qualified to deal with mental health issues. As well, some are judgmental and may do more harm than good.

Get going and good luck.

[juno]

I am sure that there are some serious mixed feelings about being able to express yourself because your wife is gone.

If you don't want to tell your family while you are still alive, leave them a letter to explain yourself. Society is starting to realize that this is not so strange. Try to think of in terms of helping educate future generations that cross dressing doesn't make you a bad person.

[Alison Bellis]

Hi Kathy. You need to look after yourself, so take care. I'm also getting on somewhat and live alone and have noticed my need to cross dress has increased since I retired and have so much more time on my own. I suppose, that although I see my children fairly often and I do have a few good friends - I am basically very lonely. I suspect you are lonely too. Especially now you do not have the companionsip of your wife and no "role" in life,- looking after her.
Don't know what the answer is, though I do know it's not to be found in a bottle!
So many understanding fellow travellers on this forum, and others, so use them to share your thoughts and make friends. We know how you feel.

[Kathy_G]

It is some five weeks since I started this rant, and I have only logged on to the site a couple of times since. I was surprised that seven of you actually added comments, condolences, and guidance.

But ... I am not using alcohol to drown my sorrows. Please don’t think that. It is simply the fact of a couple of drinks probably gives me the courage (‘Dutch’ or otherwise) to come out, albeit anonymously, on this forum. Where does the term ’Dutch courage’ come from anyway? There must be some historical reason for that. Why would it ever have been suggested that our seafaring neighbours from the Netherlands are only courageous under the influence of alcohol? That does seem a bit unfair to me. But I digress.

No, I am not ‘hitting the bottle’. I remain active in my senior years through internet trading and corresponding with cyber friends worldwide. And once the day’s ‘work’ is done I do the necessary household chores, then relax with a glass of whisky following an evening meal. Tonight I am sitting here at my keyboard wearing trousers (pants) and a shirt. No femme clothing at all, apart from nylon panties; which I have worn on a daily basis for fifteen years or more. And I do change them daily before anyone thinks they must be really smelly after fifteen years.

I live in what we over here term a ‘bungalow’, all on one floor with large windows that anybody can see through if they walk down the garden path or enter the back yard towards the kitchen window. My late wife did away with net curtains many years ago and we fitted slatted blinds (it was the ‘in’ thing at the time), and when the blinds are open anybody nearing the windows can presumably look straight into the rooms. Perhaps I should re-hang net curtains!?! Alternatively, I need a house with an upstairs. In this small but staid community, nobody apart from family would come close enough to the windows to actually look in; but the fear is always there. I cannot go around in a skirt except in the early morning or after nightfall when the blinds are closed. And that’s what upsets me. I truly would love to do the vacuum cleaning in a skirt and heels, but daren’t. I feel sure some nosey person would see me and life would then be unbearable.

I am rambling on again, but that is the cross we closeted CDers must bear. So what am I saying? I am not an ‘alcofrolic’! If statistics are to be believed, there will be a dozen or more guys in this small community who CD; but I have never met any of them, and have no idea who any of them might be. I don’t really want to know anyway. They must surely be weirdos. And I don’t consider myself to be a weirdo. I just like the feel of all things feminine. So I’ll keep the doors locked and bolted; and stay on the inside. Just to be safe. Yeah, I’ll stick with the lonely life.

Many of us are in the same boat, and I thank you for your support.

[Piora]

The most fantastic thing about being a member of a site like this, is that at any given time....day or night....you will find people that you can talk to (er...well, type to) There are some pretty wonderfully insightful people on here, and can offer you so much as far as guidance and advice. Simply being able to put your thoughts down in words is a great stress-reliever and is therapeutic simply for that reason alone.

You mention that you are from Scotland. Me too. Born there, and emigrated to Canada at a young age.

Do something with your place so that you can have absolute privacy. Whatever it takes. Then, get into your skirt & heels and vacuum those dust bunnies!!