Life can be difficult, confusing, and very much painful at times. Despair and depression can wreak emotional havoc, take an extreme physical toll, and leave a person vacuous, detached, and devoid of joy. Once darkness unequivocally takes root, it relentlessly seeks to further obscure and extinguish the safety, comfort, and warmth of the light through cold, ruthless precision and indifference. The encompassing gloom and melancholy that invariably follows is a cimmerian shade, whispering lies, deceptions, and falsehoods that run counter to and in opposition of the true beauty of life, and all that such beauty represents.
I have struggled much over the past couple of years against the forces of depression, and battled against the ever increasing darkness festering within my psyche and soul. It is a battle that I had been losing for some time, as more and more of myself fell victim to despair, and its insatiable, lurid, and pernicious appetite. I began to shut down and withdraw. I ceased caring about those things that previously held meaning to me. I became lost to myself, and those around me, including my lovely wife and beautiful daughter.
And it did not really matter.
Apathy, after all, may be quite the alluring enchantress and bedfellow. Although only but a fool’s gold illusion born out of deeply rooted desperation, apathy does allow for the dulling of emotions and the cessation of interest, resulting in an evanescent abatement of the pain. Yet apathy is an imperfect elixir. Its walls are fickle, false, and weak. In the end, apathy is unable to withstand the lurid onslaught of self-imposed loneliness, of feeling alone, of being alone, and of simply being.
As such, apathy is not the answer. It never is, despite the sweet taste of the nectar of its false promises and temporary mitigation of pain. Indeed, in truth, the sweet nectar of apathy is but merely a vile poison, and quite devious in its disguise and design. Apathy serves only to strip away the importance and beauty of all that is around and within us, leaving only but a barren, emotionless, and tragic existence behind.
Thankfully, I have no desire to continue down this bleak, self-defeating and deflating road any further. I have travelled down it for much too long as it is. I am tired, ragged, and exhausted, but I am now ready to turn back, reverse course, and re-enter the light. I greatly desire and need to frolic among the flowers and dance with the butterflies.
With regularly scheduled professional therapy sessions supplemented by surprisingly effective anti-depressants, I have spent much time over the past couple of months reevaluating my life, figuring things out, and simply getting to know myself better. I have learned much through the sessions I have had, and have much more to learn and consider. I have been brutally honest about everything, and have held nothing back. In particular, I have discussed my feelings surrounding the illnesses of my father and sister, family issues, work issues, and crossdressing/gender issues.
Although I still have far to go, I have come a long way as it is. Despite some potholes here and there on the new path I now travel, I am filled with hope, and am beginning to see and appreciate beauty again. I am reinventing myself based upon what I have learned, and the needs I have. My vision is far from perfect, but I believe I see more clearly now than perhaps I ever have. The depression is not easy to overcome, and I am far from over it, but the prospect of travelling down this road, potholes and all, fills me with tremendous anticipation, excitement, and motivation.
So does it really matter?
Yes. It does matter. It matters a great deal. It is everything, and everything is it. What we do, who we are, how we live our lives, and those we spend our lives with – it is all that we have, and it is precious, beautiful, irreplaceable, and to be treasured and valued above all else. Beauty is to be enjoyed, experienced, and sought. We can take much from life if we but allow ourselves the opportunity.
And in this, we all have an advantage over those who have not been blessed with our particular and exceptional gift – we are crossdressers! By and through this blessed gift, we are inherently beautiful and magical unto ourselves, if we but merely take the time to truly reflect upon it. It is this beauty and magic, the beauty and magic of Anne, that kept me company down the dark, morose, dreary road I travelled, persistently pleading with me to come back home to myself, and to proactively seek out and acknowledge the beauty of life again. I owe much to Anne for her love, kindness, and companionship, when I otherwise did not love or appreciate the remainder of myself or my circumstances. Of course, I am Anne and she is me. We are one and the same. In this, I would have it no other way. For the kindness, love, and companionship she has gifted me, however, Anne is being rewarded. Although this is a story for another time and another post, it is a story of evolution, progression, and acceptance of the previously unknown and unacknowledged within me. Some of you may even find it a bit surprising. I certainly know I have . . . .
So it does matter. More than I could ever have imagined. And that means everything to me!
I hope it matters to you, too . . . .
And to all of you that sent me PMs and well wishes - again, I really appreciate all of you! I apologize that I have not responded, but I shall . . . .
Originally Posted by Anne2345
along with the wonderment of discovery that you have shared with us. Please stick around, taking it at your own pace, and most importantly find that balance in your life that can enable you to stay happy. I can tell you from experience that it can happen.
