I don't think that we are critical enough of each other.

[sandra-leigh]

I have a photo of me looking quite hideous. In it, I am wearing garish colors and obnoxious clothes. I love it, and it is one of the few photos of me that I have posted. It was taken at one of our club annual "What Not To Wear" nights a few years ago. I was unusually creative in my bad dressing -- and I don't mind sharing a good laugh at myself.

I go out in obvious mixed gender a fair bit. No wig (my hair is shoulder length), little or no makeup -- just me going about my business dressed as I like. Do I look like "A man in a dress"? Could be -- people almost always call me "Sir" even when I have full wig and makeup and forms, so it would be unrealistic for me to expect people to think that I am a GG when I am more casual.

I do not take many photos at all, as I am busy living -- busy thinking about what to make for supper, or how to solve a problem for my work, or trying to "wake up" after a hard night's sleep, or just enjoying the sunshine, or cursing my broken nail, or about whether I want to transfer to a different bus route, and so on -- just everyday life.

Should I refrain from posting pictures of myself being myself out in the world on the basis that I didn't spend enough time dithering about what to select from my wardrobe, and didn't spend enough time carefully sculpting my makeup? I know that my wife seldom spends more about 5 minutes picking what to wear for the day, and only puts on lipstick and some blush -- is she "not putting any effort in to it" too?

And who wants to see pictures of me in a skirt and blouse picking out breakfast cereal in a grocery store? That couldn't possibly be of interest to anyone, right?

Except... well, there are people on the site who long to be able to wear what they want in every-day life and just be accepted as a person. People to whom "passing" is not about looking 100% GG or about obsessing about voice or give-away gestures or about watching the "right" TV shows so they will have the right cultural background and knowledge of designers and trends "because women are supposed to know these things". People who would be happy to walk out the door in a skirt, exchange hellos with the neighbor, take public transit over to shop at a deli, stop in a coffee shop for a while, and head back again -- without being hassled and with people who "read" them not considering the situation to be "strange" or "wrong".

To such people, seeing me "out and about" could well be encouraging. I take the long list of "I could never do that because..." and I stuff it in my purse, and just go out. I don't pretend to perfection or even "pretty good": I just go out with my flaws. And it works. Even if I am not much than an example of how imperfect one can be and still be accepted, that too is valuable.

[linda allen]

I haven't seen any of your photos, if I recall correctly.

Well, I posted some and then a few hours later, I read your post. I thought it might have been about me.

Here's mine:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...53#post2612053

[Kristy_K]

I will have agree with Sandra. I myself just experience something interesting. I am started transition about 3 weeks ago. Even so no one wears nail polish at work because of the chemicals we work with at times. I decided to wear a bright red to work. I have work there for over 25 years so there was a lot of looks and even the owner kept his distance from me. But about half way though the day the most prettiest and out going girl there came up to me and ask me to be girlfriend. Then she ask my girlfriend and I to go out with her and her boyfriend. My whole point is that since I have dare to be me I have gain more friends in the last few weeks because of it. The friends I have lost wasn't worth keeping anyway. I found the more you can be yourself the happier you are and because of that people seem to like you for it.

[Badtranny]

I found the more you can be yourself the happier you are and because of that people seem to like you for it.

Truer words have never been spoken.

...I mean written.

[Sophie_C]

Everyone's too nice.
It's not realistic.
Constructive criticism is part of acceptance and support.
It just makes me a little mad when someone posts something (where it's obvious they weren't really trying for a passable image), and get nothing but niceties back.
I thought that the whole point of being a crossdresser was to avoid looking like a man in a dress, that's all.
When somebody posts a picture, where it's obvious that they barely even tried, and people comment on how beautiful and feminine they look, I die a little inside.
It just seems so fake when something like that happens.

/end rant.

I agree completely, but I'm more about positivity than negativity so I only complement when I truly believe it and exactly what I do believe it in. Just check my posts.

If someone asks for gloves-off, no holds barred criticism, I'll let them have it.

Since you seem to like it, based on your photo, I think you need a wig with a more natural hair color. It doesn't match your brows all that well and you need a slimmer, better arc to them, while I'm at it. You can do that with some tricks, even if you can't pluck them that strongly for drab life. And, keep up the gym time, if you're doing it. Have a great day!

[AmandaJ]

I am not afraid of honest criticism. That's why I post my pictures. I want to hear the good and the bad. If I put up a pic where I've got unsightly body hair for instance, it's not like I'm oblivious to the fact. Maybe I'm just looking for some insight as to what I can improve or compliments on the areas that I have improved since previous pictures.

The original poster has a point that should not be ignored. But at the same time though, nobody wants to hurt anybody's feelings. We are all sensitive about this in one shape or form. Some can take harsher criticisms than others, but there is no way to know who's who unless you ask for it I guess.

So like I said, fire away. I can take it.

[Piora]

I am not afraid of honest criticism. That's why I post my pictures. I want to hear the good and the bad. If I put up a pic where I've got unsightly body hair for instance, it's not like I'm oblivious to the fact. Maybe I'm just looking for some insight as to what I can improve or compliments on the areas that I have improved since previous pictures.

Exactly my feeling on this. There's nothing wrong with making other members feel good about themselves, by telling them what you thought was great about their pictures, but if you didn't like what they were wearing, or thought that something could be changed with regard to their ensemble or choice of colour - then say so.....kindly and constructively. If most GGs can be honest about telling each other what they like or don't like about what the other is wearing....why can't we?

[sometimes_miss]

Critical and reality isn't really embraced here. This is a place where crossdressers can come to feel comfortable with themselves, and imagine that everything will be fine. It's an escape from reality. If you want reality, it's easy; just dress up the way you want, and go out. Simple as that. And if you want critical, simply go out dressed as a woman and ask what people think of you. It's that easy.
Instead, what we have here is a fantasy world, where people call each other girl (when we aren't) and tell each other how good we look and that we could definitely 'pass'.
It's a place to feel good. Not be criticized.

[MissMarcie]

Critical and reality isn't really embraced here. This is a place where crossdressers can come to feel comfortable with themselves, and imagine that everything will be fine. It's an escape from reality. If you want reality, it's easy; just dress up the way you want, and go out. Simple as that. And if you want critical, simply go out dressed as a woman and ask what people think of you. It's that easy.
Instead, what we have here is a fantasy world, where people call each other girl (when we aren't) and tell each other how good we look and that we could definitely 'pass'.
It's a place to feel good. Not be criticized.

And the majority of people here think that this whole "fantasy" world is a good and positive thing?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

And the majority of people here think that this whole "fantasy" world is a good and positive thing?

actually generally speaking yes...you don't??

if people are clear and saying...hey i am wearing this outfit to the yankees game tonight...and its gonna get them beat up...then somebody should say it..
otherwise its not a big deal...we all know 90% of the "you pass" comments are baloney..hopefully people are doing their best to be happy...

btw...i found in my early days here that i began using this forum as a kind of crossdressing...i was beginning to actually communicate as a female..perhaps as a ts i was more interested in this..but i found great people and comfort being myself right here on the forum as michele..even if i just got home from work in my blue suit and red tie..

when i meet another woman and i think.."ugh..that hair.."..."yikes her boobs are crooked"..."ewww..that top is like a dead animal", and her jeans look nice...i say .."i like those jeans, where did you get them?"...

[Monique Myers]

I have seen more than my share of big fights develop from some honest constructive criticism. Everyone takes things differently and everyone says things differently, without the nuances of hearing HOW something is said a lot of times it can come off as harsh in type. I think the majority of crossdressers based on my experience are their own worst critics, I know I am. I know the first time I ventured out I looked BRUTAL, caterpillers for eyebrows, uneven lips, blush pasted on too thick, wig not styled right, fortunately I met some really sweet people that gave me some tips and practicing at home in front of the mirror/camera made a world of difference.

I have no goal to pass but I do understand a lot of gurls find this a very important aspect of their presentation. I think for those girls that are trying so hard some kind tips said in the right way will be accepted graciously, but it's important to put yourself in that persons shoes (figuratively of course) and ask "how would I interpret that".

P.S. If you are trying to pass, you either shave or wear tights/pants that doesn't show hair, there is no excuse for that.

[sandra-leigh]

P.S. If you are trying to pass, you either shave or wear tights/pants that doesn't show hair, there is no excuse for that.

How's that again??

Half of my genetic heritage is from a group pretty well known in modern times for the women being hairy (as in visible moustaches and more.) Another quarter is from a group that went down in classical history (roman times) with the adjective "hairy" given to much of their peoples.

Somehow I came out of it all with sparse arm and leg hair (though longer than average for where I live.) There are a lot of women in the world whose legs and arms are more hairy than mine.

[VioletJourney]

I agree. The obvious lack of sincerity in this forum makes me worry what people really think of my pictures.

I like to post on a twist to an old saying: If you don't have anything honest to say, don't say anything at all!

[Babeba]

when i meet another woman and i think.."ugh..that hair.."..."yikes her boobs are crooked"..."ewww..that top is like a dead animal", and her jeans look nice...i say .."i like those jeans, where did you get them?"...

EXACTLY. This is pretty much my philosophy on the picture threads.

I also try to point out mannerisms, stances and little nuances I think the poster might have missed or give creative tips on different things to try that they might like. I hope I've never been taken as mean by someone, I try never to be snarky or anything.

Not to encourage the people trying to decide how to critique little Billy, but for crying out loud, he's a kid. Why shut down his willingness to play in the kitchen? So not cool. If he switched baking soda for baking powder or misread the little t for a big T on the salt measurement, I'd give him a big hug and say, 'I love it that you tried so hard. It's really the thought that counts going into these things. Thank you.' The kid's probably beating himself up enough as it is. So what if they're not textbook perfect? That's just boring. Variation is totally cool and good.

[Shelly67]

Perhaps something needs to be recognised here .
Any of us can post something with all good intention , but a reader can misunderstand it all with any comment posted resulting in offence and angst .
Ok , praps some will see picutres / read threads , feel that perhaps some of the comments may hold a smattering of a patronising content .
I'd go further ( there maybe some on here who even view my input like this ) praps some of us view certain folks as a little self obsessiveness and all consumed by theyre own reality - no matter how they look either.
BUT the simple truth is this . Most of us are men , engaging in trying to be gentle and understood . We are in reality individuals behind a keyboard , no one really knows our personalities in full .
Its almost like that book we've all read - the cover wasn't all that attractive , the content fairly predictable , until that very last chapter - the moment when it all made sense . And caused contemplation .
Surely , in light of this we have a choice on how to behave .
Act like a sensative adult , trying to understand and help our kind , or become exactly what none of us wish to be . Spiteful , aggressive , blunt - just like the male part of us we dislike .

It has to be accepted - we are different after all .

Thats why this site is so popular.

Mind you , the our opposite gender , our partners , relatives already know this better than we do . And some of us are disliked for such differences .

Thats why we need to show kind consideration towards each other , its blatantly obvious in the fact , or if that wasn't the situation then websites of this nature wouldnt require moderators would they ?

The site would just turn out to be a public slanging match .

[Intertwined]

I thought that the whole point of being a crossdresser was to avoid looking like a man in a dress.

And you wonder why I dissapear from this Forum for extended periods of time..!

Not all CDs are trying to not be a "man in a dress".

Thank You Dear... it's people like you why I come back...

giad.jpg

[Loretta]

And you wonder why I dissapear from this Forum for extended periods of time..!

To be honest, not really.
Come to think of it, I don't really wonder that about anyone unless I actually know them.

[Crystal Alberta]

Not to encourage the people trying to decide how to critique little Billy, but for crying out loud, he's a kid. Why shut down his willingness to play in the kitchen? So not cool. If he switched baking soda for baking powder or misread the little t for a big T on the salt measurement, I'd give him a big hug and say, 'I love it that you tried so hard. It's really the thought that counts going into these things. Thank you.' The kid's probably beating himself up enough as it is.

Absolutely! One thing I've learned in my years of working with children is that encouragement goes a long way. I think the same thing applies to all people.

I wonder if we're seeing typically (or maybe stereotypically) "masculine" and "feminine" responses to this issue. That is, if it's a question of the "masculine" response of intellectual, rational critique versus the "feminine" response of supportive, emotive nurturing. (I'm putting "masculine" and "feminine" in quotes here because I don't think that either of these are necessarily limited to men or women, although it is how they have come to be perceived.)

Personally, I think that both responses can have their place, but a good dose of encouragement has to come first. Self-esteem has become an often-mocked concept these days, but the fact is that criticism, even when intended constructively, can be pretty disheartening to somebody who isn't too sure of themselves to begin with. A certain amount of confidence is needed if it is to have any constructive effect.

A lot of crossdressers don't have many places where they can go for encouragement, or even reassurance. This site helps to fill that void. Let's not drive each other away.

Crystal

[Trish]

What you said, is so true!

Everyone's too nice.
It's not realistic.
Constructive criticism is part of acceptance and support.
It just makes me a little mad when someone posts something (where it's obvious they weren't really trying for a passable image), and get nothing but niceties back.
I thought that the whole point of being a crossdresser was to avoid looking like a man in a dress, that's all.
When somebody posts a picture, where it's obvious that they barely even tried, and people comment on how beautiful and feminine they look, I die a little inside.
It just seems so fake when something like that happens.

/end rant.

[Kaitlyn26]

I think raising a child properly requires a delicate balance of codling, and being more honest. There's a time for all aspects of leadership skills to be displayed while raising a child. If it just so happens that Dad's are more the tough parent, and Mom's more the nurturing one, that's just natures balance at work. Some households are the opposite, sometimes both parents are pretty tough. It seems like the kids that had rigid parents that refused to show more than one side of themselves, turn into adults that are also on one end of the extremes. Raising a child is a lot like being a leader, only more difficult. Finding the right answers in life, is usually a balancing act, and very rarely does one answer fit all.

[sandra-leigh]

What you said, is so true!

Have you done a google search with the term define:crossdresser

When you did, what portion of the responses said or implied that "the whole point of being a crossdresser was to avoid looking like a man in a dress" ? Can you provide even one (credible) reference source that indicates this?

Without that foundation, a foundation that I have not found evidence for but have found substantial evidence against, Loretta's posting unravels considerably.