Found Out Yesterday, Please Help Me Understand.

[HayleyGG]

I know this is long, I apologize...but please read to the end. I really need advice and I truly want to understand this.


I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 months now. The first week we were together, I found out he lied about something to protect me and not hurt me, and I've been trying my hardest to trust him since then. I've always been relatively insecure in relationships as far as wondering if they're seeing/talking to other women, but I'd say since the first "incident," I've been able to trust him 90% and he hasn't proven to be untrustworthy since then.

Yesterday, on a surprise picnic I planned for him, I borrowed his phone to go to a website I needed while he was napping, and I found what looked like a fetish website inbox in his recent history. I was compelled to see what it was, and I came across a bunch of messages to women saying how beautiful and sexy they are. My heart sank and I thought he was cheating on me or talking to other women sexually. Then it wasn't quite making sense because the messages seemed to be both to and from a woman. It briefly crossed my mind that my boyfriend might be hiding a complete other life from me, but I was so confused and didn't think it was possible. So I clicked the picture from the sender of these emails, and up came a picture of my boyfriend in makeup, a corset, mini skirt, and thigh highs.

I immediately started shaking, I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to vomit. However, I kept my composure and suggested we immediately pack up and go back to his place because I respect him enough to not have "the conversation" in a park.

As soon as we got back to his place, I sat him down and asked him to tell me if there's anything he's been hiding from me that he might be embarrassed about or he might think is weird that he hasn't told me about. He told me that about 4 years back, his ex had asked him to dress like a girl, and he really enjoyed it and that it became part of their sexual regime. He said they were very into bdsm and that they both created a profile on a website. (The one I had found on his phone.)

He said the profile is old and that he hardly goes on it. When I asked why he had been on it just that morning, he said it was because someone had just messaged him. When I had looked at his inbox previously, there had been pretty frequent activity within the last month. I felt so incredibly betrayed and heartbroken that he hadn't told me about this rather important part of his life. He said he thought about telling me a few times but felt that I would have reacted negatively and I felt like he was blaming me for not telling me instead of taking the responsibility of taking the more difficult path of having full disclosure with me and being completely honest with me to create a truthful, honest base to our relationship.

He admitted that he took the easy way out because it was easier to hide it from me than to face the potential issue and regrets that I found out the way I did. I also immediately felt insecure because he did all sorts of kinky things with his ex, and I feel boring compared to that...but he said he's happy with our sex life. I honestly don't know how he can be if he's used to all that, but I have to believe him. I've asked him in the past what he's into and if there's anything he'd like to do differently in bed because I'm very sexually open minded, but he's never suggested anything. His philosophy is that if we don't both enjoy something, it shouldn't be done because there are plenty of things we can do that we both like. My philosophy is that even if I'm not really into something, I'm willing to compromise or do it anyway just to make him happy, as long as I'm comfortable with it.

My point (I swear I'm getting to one) is that this whole revelation is really screwing with my head. I'm very angry about the way I had to find out. I wish it came from him directly, because it wouldn't have been as big a deal as it now is because I feel betrayed, broken hearted, and lied to. While I completely understand his unwillingness to tell me because of the guilt and shame he feels about it, I'm having a hard time differentiating between that understanding and feeling compassion for him, and my feeling hurt and betrayed.

I honestly feel traumatized right now because of how I found out. I think it's similar to your partner telling you they cheated on you as opposed to you actually walking in on them sleeping with someone else and seeing it for yourself. I can't get the image of my boyfriend in a mini skirt out of my head, and every time it pops up, I'm sick to my stomach. This is where I need help.

Do you actually know why you cross dress? Is there a specific reason? What feelings or satisfaction do you get out of it? Is it always a lifelong thing? I truly want to understand why he gets the urge and what he accomplishes by doing it so that I can change my mind about it. He said it's mostly a narcissistic thing and that he loves the compliments on his pictures and attention he gets on the website when someone says he's beautiful. I'll be honest, and please don't be offended because I'm currently ignorant to the whole thing, but as of right now, I hate it. Trust me, I LOVE drag queens, I go to gay clubs and dance with them, put dollars in their garters, tell them they're beautiful...but it's not what I imagined my dream boyfriend to be. I am so open minded about most things, and I think people should be who they want to be...but I'm strangely disgusted because it's my boyfriend...and I hate that I feel this way because this is exactly why you guys hide it for so long. However, please don't get me wrong...I NEVER reacted negatively when I found out, and I would never attack him or ridicule him. *

I am completely in shock right now, it's 7am and I haven't gone to sleep yet because I'm scouring the Internet for answers and information, and I feel like I'm in a dream I can't wake up from. It sounds really stupid, but I guess what I need is for you guys to change my mind. Right now, I feel that it's wrong, that I don't know who my boyfriend is anymore, and that I can't trust him.

He told me he feels like a freak about it and that he's been trying to suppress that side of him. He hasn't dressed since June, and he's never left his apartment dressed. He said all he does when he dresses is sit around watching TV or hangs around his place. I asked how often he gets the urge, and he said about once a month. He said he sold or got rid of most of his clothing because he's really trying to force it out of his life and his mind. As much as I wish this was not a part of him, I also don't want him to be ashamed of something he is. I ESPECIALLY don't want him to stop doing it just for me. I'm trying to be as open minded as possible, and I'm hoping once the initial shock dies off that I'll have a eureka! moment and just embrace it. Though he's made it clear that he's not interested in continuing it, (and I'm afraid it's not because he's no longer into it, but that he feels so ashamed about it to live with himself as he's mentioned he hasn't had any self-esteem for a long time because of his "dirty little secret") and he especially doesn't want to continue if I'm not interested in it.

So can someone please snap me out of this dream and explain to me why some men just enjoy doing this? I really appreciate it and thank you for taking the time to help me.


-Hayley

[Sophie86]

I can't address everything you've written about, but I wanted to point out that it's entirely possible that he at some point became disillusioned with the BDSM thing, and would really rather not have that in his relationship with you. There are a number of potential downsides to it that could actually spoil a relationship.

As for the crossdressing thing, you're entitled to feel the way you feel about it. It's a chocolate vs vanilla thing, and some women just don't have a taste for it.

Different people crossdress for different reasons, and have different goals. Telling you my life story wouldn't help you understand your bf. It might help you understand that crossdressers are not freaks, but you should be able to figure that out just from hanging out here for a few months.

Or not.

[Persephone]

Hi Hayley!

Wow! I completely understand your feelings about the way you discovered this! I hope that you will try to understand that it is really hard for your boyfriend to share his feelings and the truth. He likely feels miserable about his need to crossdress, something he's kept hidden and felt lousy about probably for his entire lifetime. And now he feels even worse about not telling you and about how you feel. I'm really sure that right now all he is doing is hoping and praying that you will care for him enough to rescue him from what he probably sees as the worst error and worst moment of his life.

Not knowing your BF it is hard to know much about him, his desires, etc. But the odds are that he is neither a drag queen nor is he likely to be gay. If you read between the lines of most of the posts here you will find that the "average" crossdresser is likely to be a loving husband and a good father, a pretty ordinary member of society. We've got truck drivers, law enforcement folks, college professors, doctors, lawyers, and probably an Indian Chief or two*.

I know 'cause I'm a lifelong crossdresser married to a woman that I've loved and treasured for the past 46 years. I told her, stumbling and haltingly, before we were married, so she didn't have the pain of finding out in quite the aweful way that you did, but given that we grew up back in the dark ages it wasn't easy for her to decide to stay with me and, while I'm sure that there have been any number of moments in which she has doubted her decision, the highs have more than made up for the lows for both of us.

Your BF is probably horribly conflicted by who he is and what he does. He probably has no idea why he is wired that way, and, frankly, after a lifetime of being me I have no idea either. I finally decided that I just am who I am and that the best deal in life is to get past wondering about it and get on with living the best that I know how to live. He probably hasn't already reached that conclusion and may need your help in getting there.

Is there a "cure"? Does it go away? First of all, while it can drive a crossdresser batty to be a crossdresser, in the sum total of life it usually isn't so bad. As a matter of fact, there can be aspects of it that can be a great deal of pleasure for the crossdresser and for his SO. But you have to decide if you are up for it, because, frankly, most crossdressers find that while it ebbs and flows and can sometimes be gone for long periods of time it generally is a lifelong part of their lives.

I don't know if my response has been of help to you. I certainly hope that it has been. But I do know that I understand and that I'm sorry you found out the way that you did.

Hugs,
Persephone.

* - I chose to use the words from the song "Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief" rather than "Native American Chief."

[Chickhe]

Its generally not a big deal... the hardest part is understanding that many average people dress up and it can be a lot of fun... just check out the halloween threads or the before and after images. For me, crossdressing was always something I needed to try, when I felt like I was restricteed, the thought, could I do it always seemed to resurface... basically, a few years ago I decided the heck with it, I'm going to do it and learn what this all means to me, I dress on halloween with my wife and otherwise lead a normal existance. I have experienced going out dressed in daylight...it is a great experience and for me I don't need to do that much now (been there done that). Mostly we are our own worst enemies...we are often so scared about being ridiculed for something that is harmless. You will do well to embrace the activity in some way...I mean, have you ever watched a movie with a crossdresser in it...mrs doubtfire for exmaple...did you enjoy it? There are a lot of negative misconceptions out there...basically there is nothing to fear.

[Eryn]

Hayley, You're in shock and the best thing you can do for yourself is give yourself and your boyfriend some time to assimilate the information. Your boyfriend is the same person he was a few days ago, you just know a bit more about him. He's likely scared to death that he has ruined your relationship. Give it a few days, talk to him, browse the forum, and compile more information. There's no deadline on this!

As you can tell from looking over this site, CDers are hardly monsters. We're generally nice people who happen to have a rather unusual interest. As to why we CD, that's a question that most of would love to understand. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer.

You're obviously worried about what this will mean to your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship will certainly change, but all relationships change because the people within them change. One thing that is likely to occur is that you and your boyfriend will find communication between you to be much easier, since you have discussed some very deep dark secrets. Where you take that is up to you.

My experience is that my relationship with my wife is much closer than it was before she know about Eryn. She also has a much calmer husband now that the stress of keeping it from her is gone. Life isn't perfect, but I don't think that either of us would go back to the way it was before "the talk."

Once you get 10 posts in you will be eligible to apply for access to the FAB (Female at Birth) forum, a special private forum for genetic females. There you will be able to discuss your private issues with other GGs (our term for genetic females) My wife found this to be a very valuable resource when she first joined the forum.

Hang in there, and don't do anything rash. We're here to help you.

Hugs, Eryn

[paulaloha]

Hayley, I will repeat what Sophie said about every crossdresser doing it for different reasons.

I myself do not really know why I like it so much, but I started doing it when I was 5 years old.

I also want to repeat that crossdressers are not freaks! So many people associate this with being gay or bi or into lots of kinky things. That is so far from accurate %99 percent of the time!

My ex girlfriend was one of two people that I have ever told about my dressing. She hated it and couldn't accept it at all. I still don't know why, but she said that she wasn't a lesbian and could never accept something like that.
Now I would say that she missed the point there, most of us are just guys that enjoy dressing up. I would never want to be anything other than a man in a relationship. But I would still like to dress up like a girl from time to time.

The other person I told was a good friend of mine in college and he freaked out on me and started asking if I had a crush on him and if I thought his butt looked cute or something. He immediately thought I was a gay freak.

So many people react this way! I do not really know why people react this way, I guess it is just being closed minded. But if you look beneath the clothes, we are for the most part just regular joes with a weird hobby.

As for why many men crossdress... As I'm sure you will hear a lot, it is different for everyone. Here are a few that ring true for me.

1. Womens clothes just feel really good. They typically are made of softer silkier materials that just feel incredible on the skin.

2. Skirts are a ton of fun, as a guy that is easily entertained I have literally put on a skirt and twirled around in circles for long periods of time just for the fun of it. They also breathe really well in the lower regions and guys have a little more down there so the extra air flow feels pretty dang good compared to keeping them all cooped up in tight jeans like most guys wear.
And to speak in your boyfriends defense, mini skirts are great!

3. I actually like learning about womens fashions and the things that women have to go through. I think it is usually helpful to have a broad understanding of things no matter what you do. So in regards to having a relationship with girls, I find it helpful. I loved the fact that when my last girlfriend would talk about shaving her legs daily, I could actually relate and know what she is talking about.

4. In relation to the last point above, shaving your legs feels so good! I have shaved my legs on many occasions, sometimes for sports such as swimming, triathlons and biking. I also do it simply because it feels great!
That is one thing my ex was not freaked out by, was me shaving my legs. So I did that once or twice while dating her and the feeling of 4 smooth legs intertwined is something that both of us immensely enjoyed!
So I recommend that you and your boyfriend try that out after you work through some of these issues. He doesn't need to be dressed like a girl or anything. Just throw on some shorts and enjoy the smooth legs.

I could come up with all manor of small reasons I enjoy crossdressing but I think the main one is this.

5. It is just plain FUN! As the song goes, "girls just wanna have fun". Who says that guys don't just want to have fun in a girly way sometimes. After all, we are only separated in our genders by one chromosome in our DNA. So really all guys are half girls anyways if you think about it. Girls have XX chromosomes while guys have XY, so perhaps it is just our X chromosomes wanting to express themselves a little bit.


I just want to comfort you and remind you once again that this doesn't make your boyfriend a freak. You would be surprised to see how many perfectly normal guys are closet crossdressers. From what I hear 1 in every 10 guys is a crossdresser to some degree. And who knows how many more want to try it, but are too afraid of people thinking they are freaks.
I am a 21 year old crossdresser and I am far from being a freak.

Feel free to keep asking us questions here and good luck working all this out!
Just take your time and the answers will come.

If you want to ask anymore specific questions on things I wrote or anything at all you can also PM me and I'd be happy to expound on things.

Good luck to you Hayley!

[DebbieL]

Right off the top. He love YOU!! Not his ex, and not the girls he was complimenting. In fact, the girls might have been boys in cute outfits. The good news, for you, is that when he sees a woman in a beautiful dress, he's checking out the DRESS, not the girl.

He also wanted to minimize the shock for you as much as he could, trying to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear. This indicates that he is willing to give up something that may be very important to him, for you. You didn't react negatively, but unless you told him "Oh boy, that's great, can we go shopping together?", he knows that you are going through your own process. Finding out that your boyfriend or husband is a cross-dresser is often a shock, much like the death of a loved one, or like he had had an affair. It's not the activity that upset you, it's that he wasn't more up-front earlier. Very likely, he tried telling women he was transgendered or a cross-dresser and got rejected, or worse. He wanted to make sure you were worth the risk, and hoped you would love him enough to accept it. He may have tried to give you "clues" and hoped that you were attracted to his more feminine personality (more patient, cooperative, supportive rather than aggressive, competitive, and sexist).

As for his ex, he wanted to filfill HER fantasies and desires, and did so. Now, he wants to fulfill YOUR fantasies and desires, both sexual and romantic. If you can't accept him, he will probably start to lose interest. On the other hand, if you can really, honestly, and fully support him, maybe even encourage him, and let him know that you love him, AND his feminine side, then he will do just about anything you want to make you happy.

You might want to explore his dressing with him. Help him to dress well enough to pass, and help him to learn how to move, sit, walk, and talk well enough to be accepted in public. If you love drag queens, you could have your own boy-toy and really have fun with him as a girl. And then you can have him put on his suit, go to church, and have dinner with the family.

This web-site has hundreds of posts of the feelings of different cross-dressers and transsexuals. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't want a sex change, but he would probably love it more than you could imagine if you would pick out an outfit for him, put it out on the bed, and tell him, even order him, to put it on, and get a sense of what he would look like. Figure out what you would like that would make him more attractive. Have him shave his legs, get his ears pierced, or get him a cashmere sweater. And help him do his make-up. You might even want to buy him a really nice wig (not a halloween wig), and help him style it. If he has longer hair, you might even take him to your stylist.

Right now, he is trying to fight it. But the fact that he is doing it on his own, would mean he is probably going through that "If I had a real woman I wouldn't need to dress" stage.

Why would he like to dress? Why would YOU like to wear clothes that make you look beautiful, sexy, elegant, and pretty? Why would you want to wear clothes that are soft and silky and feel nice to your touch, and feel good when they are being touched? Think of the times when you've been on a date, wearing stockings or hose, heels, and a skirt that brushes against them.

Now, consider that for a male, who spends nearly all of his life in clothes that are thick, course, abrasive, and baggy, the experience of all those sensations along with seeing their body looking beautiful, sexy, and sensual, but only on very special occasions, and almost always alone. Those wonderful feelings may also come with shame, guilt, remorse, regret, lonliness (you're not there when he's dressed).

The combination of fear and sensuality can be incredibly erotic. That may have been one of the reasons he enjoyed the bondage. Dressing combines incredibly wonderful sensations, with the fear of being caught, outed, or force feminized.

I can tell you one thing. You are the one person he cares about more than anyone right now. If you accept him, and her, he/she will love you for the rest of your lives. If you reject him, it could drive him deeper into depression, deeper into deceit, and deeper into the closet.

The good news is that you can have the BEST of BOTH the boy and the girl. He can be a good provider and supporter, and she can be an incredibly sensual and exciting lover. And then he can please you as a man when you want that.

Rather than trying to set up boundaries around the dressing, consider what you want from the relationship. What do you want sexually, socially, spiritually, economically. Do you want do be in charge of it, or let him/her take charge? Do you want to be the boy to his girl? Or do you want to have "Girls Night" once in a while, and "Boys Night" once in a while?

Write that "Safe and sane sex/love Ideal" down. Make it a nice story, starting from you going to work friday afternoon, and ending with you going to work monday morning. You can do anything you want on that piece of paper. Write it down. Show it to him. Then have him do the same. Then find out what you can do for each other. He might love doing everything on your list. You might have to wait a few years for the really expensive stuff, but you might be able to do a lot more than you thought, a lot sooner than you thought, once you both know what you want.

You are at the verge of an incredibly wonderful relationship, if you are willing to give up your fears of what others will think, whether you might be weird, or that he might not love you. If you agree to explore and dance together, you can begin to find the lifestyle that works for you.

[ReineD]

Hi InShock, welcome! You couldn't have found a better place to get all your questions answered. I'm a GG (genetic girl) like you, and I've been here for about 4 years now. I am supportive of my SO's CDing. Doesn't mean that we didn't have our ups and downs, but like you, I would hate to see him repress an innate part of his psyche.

Why do CDs crossdress? A prevailing thought is the hormone wash theory. A mother releases a hormone wash that causes the fetus to differentiate sexually and also causes the fetus' brain to have either masculine or feminine traits. Transgenders end up having a brain gender identity that is different than their biological sex. There are degrees of this, from someone who identifies easily with the opposite sex and has urges to crossdress occasionally or more frequently, to someone who identifies solely as the opposite sex and wants to transition.

I believe the scientific community is beginning to identify genes that cause transness and homosexuality, but I haven't spent the time reading the research to give you any additional info.

Some people believe it is more a matter of nurture. But, we've had countless informal polls in this forum and our members report a wide variety of backgrounds and life circumstances.

There is a wide variety of CDers. Some dress solely for sexual reasons. Others just enjoy the clothes and still others say that crossdressing relaxes them. Most will say they not only want express a degree of femininity, they want to feel beautiful. Some are satisfied with dressing occasionally, although it seems as if the frequency increases with age. Some CDs dress only at home, while others like my SO enjoy going out in the mainstream dressed.

The crossdressing most definitely is not a pit stop on the way to transsexuality. But, almost everyone in this forum believes the CDing to be innate and it does not go away, no matter how many attempts there are to purge. That said, we don't hear from people who do manage to stop or for whom it was a phase, so no one can say that it is impossible to stop. But, since there seems to be a universal, immense pleasure associated with the CDing, I believe it is unlikely anyone will be motivated to stop, unless the CDing has a serious negative impact in a CD's life.

Most CDers grow up feeling guilty and ashamed, since male socialization is intensely homophobic. This causes a degree of denial, a belief there is something wrong with them, a hope it will go away, all mixed in with a desire that seems compulsive at times. It is hard for a cDer to open up to people because he's had to build such a thick wall to prevent the world from seeing his internal feminine longings. This is why your bf did not tell you. Also, the CDing is sexual for most CDs in the beginning and it can take a while to not think of it as just their own personal form of autoeroticism. Most men don't share their most intimate masturbating fantasies with their families or even their gfs.

Sexual preference is as varied among CDers as it is among the male population as a whole: opposite, same, both, or none.

That's pretty well it, in a nutshell.

And now, my advice to you. Try to empty your mind of what you think you know about the CDing. The media has not been accurate in portraying CDs, and most people outside the TG community are severely uninformed. So please, for now, try to keep an open mind while you take the time to learn, and also explore this with your bf. He, BTW, will be your best source for answers, if the two of you can embark on a journey of discovery together. Give it a year of exploration, and then make up your mind as to whether or not living with a CDer is for you. Many GGs, if they have an open mind, eventually become accustomed to seeing their SO dressed and I promise you if you give it a chance, you will discover a side of your bf that you will not want to go away ... providing he is honest with you (now that you know), and he doesn't do things behind your back. But remember, you will need time to learn about this, and so will your boyfriend. He likely doesn't have a lot of answers right now, and it will also take time for him to open up. Remember that thick protective wall they build? It takes some CDs a while to chip away at it enough to trust that their wives/girlfriends will accept them. In the meantime, many CDers feel reluctant to disclose all their thoughts and desires which is a shame, because doing this does nothing to help the SO's trust.

Do get to know the members here, both the CDs and the GGs. We have a private support forum just for GGs, and you can apply to join after you've posted 10 times. The link for this is under my signature.

There's a lot more I want to tell you (I kept hitting the Edit button and adding more), but I'm afraid of going into overload so I'll stop for now.

[brassieres]

I understand your shock. I do have to ask, why do you like drag queens, but repulsed by his crossdressing? Is it how you found out?

I've had the desire to crossdress since I was a kid. I still and always have liked women. Does that help at all?

[Kaitlyn26]

Goodness gracious, first of all. It sounds like rather than try to explain to you why we do this (the reasons vary and he's the best one to ask honestly), we need to organize your thoughts and get down to the issues here. Number one, why do you feel negative about his crossdressing? Is it because he lied about it, or is it because you really just don't like it? Where are these people located that he's talking to online? Is this "ex-gf" a girl he's met, or is this a girl that he's known online? Why, if you've only been dating 3.5 months, is he perfect? Could it be that you're starting to get to know him better, and found out something that's not so perfect?

Something I want you to think about, if you feel boring by comparison, maybe you shouldn't be too hasty. He may be very un-bored with you, and doesn't feel that BDSM at this point is really something that's worth doing. If you meet the girl of your dreams, do you really ask her to do BDSM with you? I wouldn't. I'd be more likely to want to do that with someone that might otherwise bore me. Maybe his position of only doing something if both people like it, comes from a lesson that he was taught, by having to do things that he did not like.

I know it's difficult to not focus on the lies, but try to think about where the lies are coming from. I would suggest that you continue to cautiously get to know this guy better. After all you did say he's your "dream bf".

You may also want to consider that he didn't hide this from you very well. He may not have been trying to keep it a secret, but was too scared to tell you about it.

[Shelly67]

You poor people .
Both of you .
Your post seems full of intensity.
I wish to give you some support , I hope what you'll read may help . Perhaps you could read it together ?
Here goes .....

We all have something , minor or not hidden away in our past we wish to remain hidden , and lets be honest - if it were to be brought out into the open we'd all recoil in the same manner - SHOCK .
Right now , youre both so in turmoil , unsettled , worry , stress and disbelief .
Think of one solitary thing right now - at least your boyfriend has come clean . He could have continued being secretive . I know you feel he's lied all along , decieved you , cheated you in truth , and theres only one thing I can say on that .
You are right .
Both of you .
For different reasons.
There is only one answear at this point , something you both in my mind can work on ..... DEAL WITH THE SHOCK FIRST .

Shock , emotional or physical is unhealthy and dangerous - its a medical fact .

Once you both you can understand and the deal with that , calm down , then the frustration of questions and worries can be dealt with .

None of us can see clearly whilst so upset , and I mean both of you . Any of us - can we ?
If you can try to think back , understand one issue - youve stayed together for a reason of the heart , you consider him dearly and in return his honesty ( although now pushed into reality ) is positive . Painful it may have been , but at least he opened up to you , he must be feeling so timid too - he's cleared out his clothing , his personel safety blanket .

I truely think if you can both support each other in this turbulent time of shock ( tell him - I bet he feels the same ) then thats a foundation to build on .

Now as for finding the reason for crossdressing . From a crossdressers point of view .
NOT some celebrity Doc on the telly or health style webpage full of knowledge. THIS site has the most informative collcetive you can ask , crossdressers , partners , the whole colourful array of people . In time who knows , perhaps a visit in persons to a proffessional councel may be of help - but thats a MAYBE - and a possibility in the future .

We all have different paths , reasons for doing so - the wearing of female clothes . The idea of a man dressed in finery , make up ect causes so much disgust to so many females . There are others who adore transvestites , partners who see thru it all , love theyre man for being a sensative open individual . You'll find tons of reasons , in books , on the net , on the television - all have a particular reason . But the best most relative way to really find out why is to ask a crossdresser himself . I applaud you for asking on this site - it took strength to ask , but the reason you have asked is because you obviously feel for the man . You wish to understand . That is positively brilliant .
He obviously feels the same in a likewise manner . its obvious - remember he's even thrown his clothing away in a moment of sincerety , hoping to find an understanding ..............
On the back of that , being on this site you will engage in an honesty that will confuse ( obviously being smitten by a person and never have experienced such behavioural traits ) in these early days , then slowly enlightened and give a wider perspective . I hope no matter what the supportive returns may be that they will give you a greater insight to mens certain behaviour .

We all have our reasons , but I consider this the basis on why a man crossdresses :

As men we live in a totally masculine driven world . We are consumed by it . A man in such an enviroment is still supposed to bring home the beef , be strong . However there are those who have a sensative side that crosses over once in awhile . It may start with sexual release alone ( most certainly followed with disgust and self denial ) but returns with a vengence as the moment was an enjoyable relief. It then transpires and developes ..eventually to wearing the entire female form .It becomes a realised stress relief - with or without sexual connections . Wearing female clothes FEELS so different , it takes a man to a different reality . He can centre to his own sensativeness . However , in those moments of placidness , his reality is challenged by his own specific gender , society even, resulting in one thing - GUILT. After sometime denial sets in ...really sets in , the person concerned hides away simply in fear. It becomes habitual . Then there is an outlet - an aswear - the net .
Now , back to youre boyfriends previous lifestyle . Sounds like he was involved in a very adult relationship . No matter what went on , please try to realise this - its in the past . Please please don't think of his past in a way that questions your own relationship . His ex obviously engaged in areas you have not .
Just like mine did .
When it comes to moments of pure emotion and the heart , that all dissapears . its replaced with questions and worry , all fed by stress and shock ...

Right now the past is pretty irrelevant . What matters right now is once again , youre partner has been honest . Although he sought communications with others like him ,horrible and unbelievable his secret may seem ,he was simply seeking an outlet .
Perhaps he knew and was fearful of coming to terms with telling you ( took me 7 years ! ) frightened of losing you . needed some understanding . I can relate to that so well .

But now the gates are open ...... but there isnt any flood - only shock .

So right now , all i can offer as a message of support is try to relax a little . Breathe out , stop that mind speeding away into a frantic state . If you feel so pent up with angst , take a walk , bath , whatever .... reduce that adrenalin .
If you can do that ( even tell the man how this has effected you ) then together one way or another in an amicable manner of support , perhaps together you can gain a ground of understanding .
Wouldnt that be nice - to grow together in communication ?
None of us know how we'll turn out in life , none of us can alter the past , but we do have a little control over the future .Sometimes we just need a helping hand to steer us in the right direction . And I feel right now the best sat nav we all have in life , no matter the outcome is honesty .
Try to rest , don't read too much on the subject ( self medication on the net is dangerous ) if you can take time , talk and then I'll wager this : although youre partner may dress like a woman for kicks or whatever , in time his honesty and support will show you just how much of a man he really is .
Once youve discovered that , then its up to you both to either grow together or ( hate to say this but not everyone wants this is in life ) perhaps even part .....
Most importantly ......
be kind to each other .

I'll follow like many others on this forum closely . We all have additional input that can help , even further along the line ....

I hope in reading my response , you will have at least gained a little of calmness . I hate to see / read of people so worn down by worry and stress .
I've had more than my fair share believe me . So has my wife .


I wish you well , clarity , peace of mind , and believe me - you are not alone .
x

[elusivebeauty]

I think a lot of people have made some great posts here. I thought I would also share my thoughts on the subject, because I myself can relate like many here.

I want to get down to the very base of why it's hard for people to accept a man dressed as a woman. The first thing you have to understand is that we're not born with the idea of gender identity, it's imparted to us. It's a societal tradition that's passed down from father to son and mother to daughter. Our roles are assigned to us, we don't choose them. As we get older, most people adopt those roles and accept them. For those who don't meet up to the expectation; bullying, abuse, peer pressure and other reinforcement creates a high level of fear that keeps the rest inline for the most part. This helps to maintain a fine line between what a man is and what a woman is. Anyone who doesn't fall into one of the two categories is labelled a freak, pervert or whatever term pops into a persons head. No one wants to be the outcast.

Women have made much greater strides than men in the past 50 years. There was a time if a woman were caught wearing pants and a tee shirt, they would be mocked and bullied. Today, most women can wear what ever they want, because of womens lib and massive progressive steps made through very brave and courageous people. Men on the other hand are still way behind. Here is the thing that most men and women don't understand about being a man; we also adhere to a very strict and brutal code of unspoken rules. To deviate from the rules means very terrifying and difficult consequences. The worst part about the whole thing is the fear. For a lot of people I've talked too, this type of fear is almost up there with death.

So to go back to crossdressing, while there are many reasons why we do it, the simplest explanation is that it is a form of self expression that we're denied to from society. It's not illegal, but there are people who would treat us like we are a sub-species. Also, a majority of crossdressers are straight. As you stated in your initial reaction, you were disgusted when you saw his photos. You should ask yourself why though. Perhaps you really do find it unattractive. However, I look at it from this view. Take a popular dress style from 20 years ago that is out of style today. It's not pretty and no one would wear it anymore. There was a time though where everyone had this look and thought it was the best thing they had ever seen. So what's happened since then? People have stumbled on to different looks made popular by stylists, celebrities and designers. Peoples tastes have evolved and changed. At the same time, we are strongly influenced by the current of the stream. It's a hive mind mentality.

Just like you average guy has an idea of what is beautiful, so do women. Again though, those ideas are strongly influenced by our culture. So if one day a designer came along and made skirts for men that became wildly popular to the point where celebrities started wearing them, the view point would shift. If that trend continued to build into mens makeup, shoes and more, it wouldn't be a man in drag anymore, just your typical man. Trust me, while it's very slow, that change is already happening. Who knows, in 50 years or less our kids might completely tear down those barriers. People just able to finally be free and express themselves whatever damn way they want to. To put it simply, it's just clothes. It's the person underneath that's most valuable and clothing is just a form of self expression.

We are still in the present though, and we are far off from that possibility at the moment. So our only choices are to try and suppress it (which fails most of the time), Overcome the fear and be open and free about it (with a fair share of backlash) or express ourselves in private. Most choose the last option. Also, you would be utterly shocked by how many men crossdress. It's a very hefty percentage.

As much as I sympathize with you and understand your perspective, I also really sympathize with him. I have an idea of what's going on through his head right now. Imagine your worst nightmare if it were real and multiply that by 10. That's probably how he is feeling right now. It's not just embarrassing, it's bone chilling. That's why he kept it a secret. He wants to be accepted in a world where that's not accepted. He feels abnormal for having this need and he didn't choose it. It's just something that naturally evolves from our identity. He also has very strong feelings for you and now that weight is bearing down on him too. If he could have been honest, I'm sure he would have. It can take a very long time for man to come out about this. Trust me though, it is something that we all want to share with the people that we love, but many times just can't. I am truly sorry that this was the way that you came to learn of it though.

[Alberta_Pat]

Hi Hayley;

Welcome to this very enlightened forum.

You tell us that you have had this person as a boyfriend for 3.5 months. How long have you known him previously? How did you two meet?

3.5 months is a very short time in the life you have ahead of you. I truly doubt that you have told everything about yourself to him. He surely has not told you everything about himself.

Life with another person should always contain surprises. Some will be a bit distasteful, some will bring extreme joy, and some will just let you know a bit more about your partner or your partner know a bit more about you. This is totally NORMAL. Expect the unexpected!

As a relationship grows, it changes. Look at the trees outside. Every year they change their shape and appearance. That does not diminish their beauty.

There are very few people who can give you the "right" information for your situation. You will have to tweeze that out of the fabric of your life. Only you can know if this discovery is a deal breaker. If it is, please respect your boyfriends privacy. Allow him to share this information with those he wishes to share.

In return, he will respect your privacy and not share the embarrassing things you have shared with him.

I know that this is a difficult time for you. It is for each and every one of us who finds themselves in an awkward situation.

You are both the same people you were yesterday. You have more knowledge than you did. It will take time to assimilate it.

[Karren H]

Yeah... What they said!! Most of us lie or don't tell for fear of loosing people we love and being labeled a pervert... He should have told you from the beginning.. We all should have but we don't. From your "vomit" response I'd say it would be easier if you just kicked him to the curb and moved on with your life. Usually people who are repulsed don't make a 180 degree turn around. And you will never in your minds eye be able to fully trust him so I'd pull the plug... But that's just me....

[eluuzion]

Hi H,

Welcome! This place is a bit like Disneyland. Only we just have the characters...but no rides...

First, I will try to snap you out of your "dream".

Ok... close your eyes and relax.
Now, while clicking your heels together, repeat this phrase over and over...
"There's no place like Home".

Now slowly open your eyes...
Did it work?

Sorry about that...it was worth a shot...
I tried that technique myself after I realized I had just married a gold-digger that got pregnant so I would marry her, then started having affairs so I would divorce her...(her version of "financial planning")
It did not work for me either (and I was even wearing 5" pumps when I was clicking my heels, lol)

Of course another option is to consider you have only invested a few months in this relationship. I have milk in my refrigerator older than that, lol. This is just a sample of what you will be dealing with during your entire relationship with him. If you are not up for that...you could cut your losses and move on.

It looks like you are going to have to do what I had to do. Fall back and select the other option. The one that we all procrastinate about too long...hoping that a miracle or the Crisis Fairy will magically make "disappear". You have to face reality, and where is the fun on that trip, right?

Please do not misinterpret this as an attempt to "discount" your feelings or reactions to your situation. I certainly feel your reaction is commensurate with the issue at hand. Any issue that either partner views as a potential "deal-breaker" in the relationship is a crisis. It is like going to a dentist...it hurts, just like you expected it would.

I spent many years as a “turn-around/start-up” consultant, orchestrating strategies to help companies either start-up new operations, or save failing ones that could not find solutions. In the majority of cases, my initial analysis/feedback to the ringleaders was...

“It is not that you cannot see the Solutions. It is that you cannot see the Problems.”

In other words, I was suggesting that they made the all too common initial mistake of incorrectly targeting the most visible issue as the “problem”. That is rarely the case. It is typically the processes and actions that surround(ed) the elephant, not the elephant.

Based upon what you have shared with us so far...your elephant will be named “CD“.
“Saving” the relationship will probably be an exercise of beating every facet of crossdressing into mental exhaustion ...trying to determine if it is possible for you to successfully accept and/or integrate the CD behavior into your relationship or not. yacky yak yak, etc etc...

Now, here is my personal opinion, which I am confident will not be a popular one on this forum.lol
The Crossdressing has certainly put an elephant in your room, but training it properly will not save your relationship. Because it is not the problem. The issues surrounding the CD are what created this crisis. Your boyfriend has confirmed by his actions that his character, loyalty, integrity and honesty traits are different than he has allowed you to believe. These traits orchestrated the decisions & actions that ultimately created your crisis. These are the problems that need to be addressed, not justified and excused. They will just resurface later as the motivator of some different,, but similar threatening crisis...

I believe people make bad decisions, exercise poor judgment and make other human errors in the course of trying to do the “right thing.” But those instances do not betray the limits of our acceptable behavior, that we formed from caregiver's influence, our bias and personal experiences in life.

I believe I am very proficient in “reading” people and the uniquely individual moral compass that governs what we are capable/willing to do and what we are incapable of doing/justifying for any reason. I firmly believe that it rarely, if ever changes on a fundamental level.

So,that is my opinion. But hey what do I know...I’m just a CD...and you know how wacko those weirdoes are....

As for the 2nd part of your question..."explanation for why some men just enjoy doing this"...

It is just one of those mysteries of "Mankind". Maybe in order to understand CD, we have to understand mankind. To understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself; "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words..."mank" and "ind". What do these words mean?

It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind (and CDing)

I hope that helps...

Good Luck...

[TGMarla]

Hi there, InShock. I'll bet you are. And who can really blame you? You have a lot of really long posts to digest here, and I don't want to give you another copy of "War and Peace" to read. Our dear friend ReineD already told you a lot, and said it very well.

I don't really buy into the "hormone wash" theory myself, since I'm a twin, and I can guarantee my brother doesn't crossdress. I think the bottom line on a lot of it is that many men dabble with women's clothing out of curiosity and sexual arousal at a young age, and many of us found out that we really like it. And we just don't quit; in fact, we elevate it to the point that we eventually completely emulate women.

Some of us get to the point that we believe we are transexual, but it's rare. Most of us are normal, heterosexual males who just have a quirk about crossdressing. It's very hard to explain just why we do it, but I can tell you that despite the fact that I crossdress, I'm completely and totally devoted to my wife, and I'll never change that. Even when dressed from head to toe as a woman, I have no interest in ever having a relationship with a man. I've seen that many, if not most, women who deal with this problem have the same questions: Is he gay, is he going to have a sex change, does he do this because something is missing in me? The answers are most often no, no, and no.

Get your ten posts in, and join the GG forum with Reine, and all you ladies can discuss this among yourselves. It may be a bit of a rocky road for you. I think it's very likely that your guy has not come completely clean with you yet, since he's in "damage control" mode. I will not sit here and accuse him of things, and I may be totally wrong here. But he probably dresses more often than he's told you. He probably is more active on this internet account than he's let on. He's probably feeling diminished in your eyes, and is trying to minimize the impact that his crossdressing has on you. I'd sit down with him again after you digest all of this, and tell him to come completely clean with you. I just get the feeling he has not yet.

From the sound of it, he's a fetish crossdresser, one who takes sexual pleasure in kinky feminine clothing. He's got the mini skirt, the thigh highs, etc. These are things that most women don't opt to wear unless they are trying to please a man. They don't wear this stuff to run out to the store. I'm guessing it's unlikely he dresses and goes out anywhere, especially if these are his choices in women's attire.

I'll close with this: crossdressing is a lousy reason to destroy an otherwise perfectly good relationship. You two have not been together long. He only hid this from you because he felt that it was likely that you'd leave him if you found out. The fact that instead of packing up and leaving, you came here to learn and try to understand, says that you're a woman of greater depth than many. I applaud you for doing so. If you accept this part of him, he'll try to find his boundaries with you. You may find that you don't want to be around it, or you may find that it increases and enhances your sex life. You need to find what level you are comfortable with, and he needs to abide by it. I wish you both well. Good luck!

[Dawn cd]

Hayley, let me add, there are really two different issues here: your boyfriend's crossdressing and BDSM. The first issue—as many here have explained to you—can really be a sweet experience for a couple. Crossdressing is more connected to gender identity than to sex. The BDSM, however, is clearly a sexual/fetish activity. So you (and he) need to find out how much the two are linked and whether he could crossdress without getting involved in BDSM.

One thing more: Trust is an issue for you, and you really need to trust him by giving him some space. Every person has hidden places in his or her life that would embarrass us if people poked into them. So my advice is to inquire, but don't poke. Maybe you innocently found those pictures on his cellphone, and maybe you were looking for stuff. We don't know. But you must resist the temptation to spy on him, which is an expression of your own dark side. Trust must be a big part of this ongoing dialogue with your bf.

[Marlana]

Hayley, try to understand that you weren't supposed to see that picture until he was ready to show you. That being said, I'd be willing to bet right now, he's scared that you're gonna leave him. Don't do that. Try to understand that there is a certain feeling to dressing up that really can't be explained to someone who doesn't understand it. My wife has made it clear that she is the woman and doesn't want another woman in the marriage. I understand this..but I still need to do it. So when she travels, I get to bring out my fem side. It's a release and when she returns, everything gets put away and goes into hiding until the next time. What I'm trying to say is, it's ok to talk about it, but do it when he's ready and be open to what he's saying whether you agree or disagree. Sometimes just talking about it helps.

[NicoleScott]

Hayley,

There are a lot of cd's here who have found themselves in the "when to tell" trap. Crossdressing desires often (but not always) start early, and through the teen years become intensified. All along, especially for the older ones of us before the age of greater tolerance and the internet, we kept our desire to crossdress secret, picking up both direct and subtle messages that it's against the grain of normal behavior. Suddenly we found ourselves in a serious relationship, and many of us married without revealing to our partners that we crossdress. After marriage, we reasoned (and not knowing better at the time), the desires to crossdress would stop and be replaced by all the different attractions to our partners. We were wrong, but didn't know it then. So here we are, well into a serious relationship with a secret that should be shared, but with no easy way to do it. Either caught or unable to live with the secret any longer, it's out.
This happened to me. My wife, even through individual and joint counseling, simply could not tolerate a crossdressing husband, and we divorced.
My current wife accepts my crossdressing, and I think there are some important reasons why: she knows that I am straight, have no desire to transition, and do not cheat. I can dress in her presence, and have many times although I prefer to dress alone (it's a private, personal thing). Also, I have no feminine characteristics when not en femme - I'm a regular guy, husband and father, with normal male attributes, activites, and responsibilities. Sometimes, however, I like to dress up.
Now that you know, it's time for him to be fully honest with you. I don't believe that it's just his narcissism. I like compliments, too, but it's certainly not any reason I've ever heard of to crossdress. And time for you to be honest with him. You said you don't like his crossdressing but you don't want to deny something that he needs to do. You can find balance. Not setting his boundaries, but both of you agreeing on terms you both can live with. There are couples here that the woman does not like the crossdressing but tolerates it if kept out of her sight. Other couples use crossdressing to enhance bedroom activities. Some women cannot tolerate that thought that her husband is a crossdresser (so it gets driven into the closet or they must split). Talk. Good luck with it.

ps You've been together 3-1/2 months. I wouldn't consider that a complete betrayal of trust. Give him the benefit of the doubt on that. Maybe he would have told you in time.

[docrobbysherry]

Hi Hayley. Many of us wish we had answers for OURSELVES! I think guessing what motivates your BF is futile. U must ASK HIM if u really want to know. Just wait awhile first and see if he volunteers anything. Plus, u need time to get over your shock and gag responses!

For me, dressing is very excited and there's DEFINITELY a sexual component. However, I'm content to dress twice a month, and have NO DESIRE to meet other males or females sexually while dressed. Or, even go out in vanilla public as Sherry. It IS a compulsion, tho. There r times I would like to be able to stop my "secret" life. But, find I cannot!

[kimdl93]

So many good responses here. My only advice is to give yourself time to let your anger, confusion, and emotional turmoil subside. Its great to seek information, but at this point its gotta be difficult to process all that you've heard or read. It might even be worthwhile to take a break from the bf for a couple of days - just to let things calm down.

Sometimes people try to hard to resolve a situation before they're really emotionally or cognitively ready to do so. If you force yourself, and him, you each may find yourself making statements and making choices that you'll regret later.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Hi Hayley, I read a few of the replies, but decided all I can do was talk about if from my point of view, which might be different from some.

First, I'm middle aged, and still pretty much "in the closet" and anyway I just underdress, never tried dressing completely and trying to pass. I've more or less made my mind up that if caught out in the locker room or doctors or whatever, the response will go something like, "Yeah? They're women's panties, so?" Of course, hasn't happened yet, so we'll see...

When I was younger though...The idea of being caught!.....Your BF obviously is closer to that reaction, so him being secretive is understandable, so is your reaction.

Why do I do it? It started pretty much as a fetish, and it came about because of very early sexual feelings, that I had absolutely NO understanding of, and when persuaded to swap clothes with my Sister, found the feeling worked well with my fantasies. These days, a strong part of the reason I continue is I'm so used to the feel, that men's underwear feels awful in comparison. That said, I do feel that everyone has a Male and Female side, and the strengths of those facets are independent, it's not a scale. I have strong Female side, but the Male is also strong. My orientation is definitely towards Women, but I am more affectionate than most guys, and I prefer women who express perhaps some more masculine traits than the average.

If I get a GF, I'll be bringing this up at the earliest point I feel comfortable with trusting her with such potentially damaging info.

As to why your BF does it? Don't know, but can identify with the narcissistic thing, I like the idea of my GF thinking of me as a sex object, but oddly enough, as a man.

I think you have to drill it through your BF's head that he HAS to be honest, and that needs to start with himself. Tell him to forget about the relationship for now, and just spend some time exploring his deepest , most honest feelings, then come back and tell you everything, then see if you can both make it work..
Good Luck!

[Katie Moore]

First of all, I might repeat what has already been said, so bear with me. There is no one answer as people are so complex that just when you think you've figured someone out then bam, wrong about that. Here's what I would feel if I were in his shoes (been there done that).

He can't help being who he is. He likes being in women's clothing as do I. Society has labeled that something "terribly unnormal". He wants everyone to think he's "normal" with no cracks in his armor. So he's afraid to tell anyone outside of his world. Afraid of all the nasty social stigmas that go with it. Afraid of all the reactions to it. And then the embarassment, guilt, lack of self esteem if he's found out. Then the shame that he'll feel if he's found out along with the "I've let you down" feeling he'll surely get. Then if you understand that, throw in a dose of "I'm a guy and we don't talk about how we feel, especially how girly we feel sometimes".

That's why I think he didn't tell you. He only told you after you confronted him. If you need to run away from him do it quickly and please don't embarass him anymore by telling others.

However if you think there's a chance to stay together, give him some room to be who he is. You don't have to embrace that aspect of him unless you want to. Just read some of the great posts on this site about couples who enjoy this aspect of their partners lives, shopping, makeup etc. Combine that with a good man and you've got a guy many many women would fight for. This is a good time for some real in depth thinking and rationaling on your part.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.



Katie

[JamieG]

You have a lot to read through here, so I'll try to keep my response brief. First, you have only been dating for three months, so the fact he did not tell you yet is not as bad as it sounds. The general advice is to reveal when things are getting really serious, but some people define "serious" as six months, some as prior to being engaged, etc. Even so, there are many CDers who do not come out to their spouses until very late in a marriage. This is often because the CDer has to finally admit that this is truly who they are, and that they cannot change it. I was not able to do this until after being married for a year, and then, after an internal struggle, finally broke down and told her. My wife was a lot like you: very open-minded, had gay friends, admired gender-bending musicians; but when I told her that I crossdressed, it was very difficult for her. She said, "If you were just a friend, I could accept this, but not from my husband." It took a long time, but she eventually learned that it didn't actually change who I was or the way she felt about me, and we have grown closer ever since. Hopefully, if this is a relationship that both of you care about, you will be able to work together to overcome this hurdle.

[HayleyGG]

I understand your shock. I do have to ask, why do you like drag queens, but repulsed by his crossdressing? Is it how you found out?

I've had the desire to crossdress since I was a kid. I still and always have liked women. Does that help at all?

Thank you so much for your response. I'm ashamed to say that the difference between loving and supporting drag queens and not wanting my boyfriend to dress is that I want my man to be a man...all man. I don't feel like the man I'm with should have "feminine times." I don't think it's me being closed-minded, it's just my current preference. Again, I'm still in shock about this and my opinion may change once I become more informed and it sinks in a bit. Everyone here is saying that when they're a man, they're all man...but I'm currently horrified and haunted by the image I saw of my boyfriend in a skirt. I know he's still the same person as a few days ago...but everything just feels upside down now. The way I found out was incredibly traumatic, too.