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Thread: Is there an end?

  1. #1
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    Is there an end?

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    ya that's what I thought !
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    just another cr*ppy night
    Last edited by *Vanessa*; 10-08-2011 at 11:17 PM.

  2. #2
    Non-Binary / Two-Spirit
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    Vanessa...

    Yes... You're being heard... and I hear you Vanessa. And strangely enough... there are crickets singing outside my door as I write this. But you are not alone.

    I've been spending some time reading the new... SOCv7, Standards of Care version 7. Also I've done some more research into... Two-Sprited people... and another term which may apply to me... Bi-gendered. However I do prefer to dress and remain more feminine which is a bit different. I may have started as a cross-dresser but I have moved beyond that. I dress full time.

    Is there an end?
    That can mean many things. But for me... Only when I leave my body at the end of this existence. I'm certainly not ready to leave this world. But I believe there is more to do, explore, in other places beyond this life. But that's another subject.

    I prefer to think of it as a new chapter in my life when I have life changing moments. What new path do I now take?
    Don't suppress who you are inside your heart. Let the world know how special you really are. Don't forget to smile as you share. It will come through in your beautiful words.

    Your Sister/Brother,
    Debbie/Steve

  3. #3
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by *Vanessa* View Post
    I want to scream out loud "I am Vanessa and I am a Transgender"!
    It's your party, you can scream if you want to ;-)

    I used to read and comment on a fair number of postings in the main forums here, but as time passed and I shifted more in to TG mode, the main forums started seeming less relevant. I took my turn at helping in the "how do I tell my wife?" threads, and took more than my turn in the clothing forums attempting to catalog and review various commonly-requested garments, and read about the best ways to pierce ears... but those things are receding in to the past for me. Part of the difference might have been my starting HRT: I am not "busting out" to express myself nearly as much anymore: I am more just living my life of which the dressing and the earrings and the being obvious in public has become a fairly normal part of my life.

    I used to "keep an eye on" the TS forum just to get a flavor of what life was like for these people I didn't identify with; I still don't identify myself as TS, but this TS forum is where I spend the most time these days. Not that I don't roll my eyes and skip over some of the topics.

    Is there an end? That is a topic that gets discussed here fairly often. There are members who "fade away" here, as some eventually find that they are "no longer transsexual" and are now "just a woman" (in the MTF case).

    I personally find it fairly difficult to picture living my life as a woman. I wouldn't really know how, and of course that leads to anxiety and that leads to internal barriers to moving in that direction. And I don't want to have to change "me" (my personality and values) to get there, but I don't even have a good idea of where "there" is. Sorry, but those high fashion magazines are boring and irrelevant to me; if I have to "put on" the mantle of reading and absorbing them "to be a woman", then that wouldn't be very true to me, whereas I am trying hard in my journey to be true to me.

    About all I know is to be myself, just going ahead and doing everyday activities presenting a way I am comfortable, not "disguised", not "anonymous", not "sneaking around".

    Is there an end? There is going ahead and living as who you are.

    Losing friends... it happens. But it also happens anyhow, because people keep changing. My high-school / university gang is now spread over most of North America, and although I have their email addresses, I've lost touch with most of them, especially the ones who also "moved away". And the friends who no one really understood then... well, still no-one really understands them 30 years later; one of them grew in to being more and more inscrutable and less inclined to talk, and another just sort of got frozen in time and thus less and less comprehensible to those of us whose lives evolved. Another friend I have been losing for well over a decade, as I am apparently not "interesting enough" for him.

    Gaining new friends... that is getting easier for me now. I am finding friendly and supportive people in places I would not have considered "before". Being more open to yourself allows you to be more open to others.

  4. #4
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    Thanks Debbie & Sandra
    I get these emotional roller-coaster thingies and I can't seem to control them. The line between fantasy and reality blurs on me lately. I know why it is happening and trying my darnedest to do something about it, it takes time I guess. Here, in this form and site, Vanessa feels relatively safe so she gets to speak out. She and I are socially inept, guess their are lots in that boat here.

    I wrote a long letter of re-introduction to a psychiatrist today, boy was that tough to do. Truly there are times I just feel like looking for a fight so I can feel physical pain for awhile instead of the mental cr*p.

    I would much rather be light and fluffy in my conversations so I don't drive more people away. I don't cry as much as I was a few days ago, that's gotta be a good thing.

    Greg Lemond said "It doesn't get easier you only get faster" referring to bike racing and riding harder training runs. I really don't want to get any place in particular I just want have Vanessa settle down and live some of this life I have going.
    Last edited by *Vanessa*; 10-09-2011 at 01:21 AM.

  5. #5
    Non-Binary / Two-Spirit
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    That's OK Vanessa. I do totally sympathize. What a price to pay!

    I'm assuming it all those hormones in your system giving you an emotional roller coaster ride. I guessing this is what a teenage girl goes through during puberty. But I would not know. How could I? I've never been through what you're going through.

    My only advise for this situation is... this is only temporary... and will pass. Times will get better... they must. But for now... try not to think of the negative issues but concentrate on what's positive. I know that's a tall order today... when it's much harder to survive and things look so uncertain. But the little things in life can be so great. Like that cricket that was singing on my door step... or my long red tiered skirt I'm wearing from Forever 21. I loved that shopping trip.

    Friends for me come and go for all kinds of reasons. But I set my own course through life. The projects and accomplishments I have done and are still in progress I do because I want to. When I complete something... or have some great idea I do for myself. No one sets my self worth. I am valuable no mater what anyone else says. I forgive my mistakes and move on feeling better for the experience.

    But it's nice to know I'm not alone with my feelings... my desires... my struggles... and my joys. Everything we go through is for a reason... everything. One friend I have doesn't see me the same because I refuse to continue just dressing in male clothing. I want to wear skirts. He does not like it and wants me to wear pants.

    I wish he would make the leap... accept me for a person. And in some ways he does which is nice. But in other ways he does not and that hurts. His wife says he feels like he lost his male friend. Why not just wear pants... she asks? I told her I'm denying my feminine self by doing so and I'm just can't continue that. it's not me. And so I make my stand to change... which means sacrifice.

    But life does not stay the same and neither do we. We must grow and sometimes that means we have to leave things and people behind. People move on to other things... other interests. As I move on a whole new world... a new path of possibilities and friends emerges that was not available to me before.

    It's hard to make new friends sometimes but it can sometimes be easier than old friendships. They get to be with the new you... the new and improved version... with out all the old baggage. And for a time you'll have new opportunities along this path you choose. That's exciting... because of all the possibilities that you could pursue.

    So loosing the old can be hard and it is a sacrifice... and can be painful. But a birth is a new beginning... a new start. What will you do with your new life? What new creation will come from the ashes of the old you?
    Don't suppress who you are inside your heart. Let the world know how special you really are. Don't forget to smile as you share. It will come through in your beautiful words.

    Your Sister/Brother,
    Debbie/Steve

  6. #6
    New Member Miss Marshall's Avatar
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    Vanessa.

    Though I'm not transitioning yet I can empathise with you from aspects of events in my own life. I'm guessing that a big part of the roller coaster is to do with the hormones and as such akin to the things that a genetic female has to go through. But it's not the same, there's the society thing that's a part of the dynamic and are different for a transitioning ts to that of a girl becoming a woman i.e. the way girls as children are treated by societal and family systems. Then there's the the way other people like 'friends' colleagues and wider society view us as transsexuals and the way that peoples individual scripts and schemas work for them in respect of us.

    I know what it's like to be in a crowded room and feel like the loneliest person on the planet. I've suppressed all the hurt that being discriminated against, being oppressed and marginalised has caused and I'm still standing.

    Because I work in the adult mental health field (as a care coordinator), I can contrast the way some of my clients self harm as a release from mental pain and your feelings of a need to find a release for your pain. The journey through transition is a journey through purgatory but if your persevere you will be so much stringer when this journey in your life is finished.

    Light and fluffy conversation has its place but you need to be able to talk with people about all the stuff that you would normally suppress and not speak about. As you seen to have discovered, you can't do this with most people - they just can't take it and in many cases don't want to accept it. They are just not there for you. I'd say you need one or two people who you can really trust, and I mean really trust. They may be on this site or they may be in the physical world, perhaps workers in the mental health arena (in my mind these are the best resource, but then I would say that wouldn't I) or true friends who will be with you through thick and thin and who will be a rock for you or finally (and least preffered) close family members. You then need to enter into deep discourse with them. This process isn't quick or easy but it works and it's so worth the effort.

    Whilst sites like this one can be a great help, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that you need to exercise a great level of care here as all will not be as it seems just as in the physical world. The difference is that there are less clues in the virtual world.

    Like Debbie I started out (many years ago) thinking I was a cross dresser but for me, dressing never really filled all my needs and I always felt that inside I was female and should have been born a girl.

    These days I spend most of my time dressed femme but have to dress in drab and act out more of the male role during some of my working hours. I'm kinda lucky in that when writing case notes or reports and admin type things, I can work from home which means dressed femme and I have skirt suits to help me focus in on being femme but needing to be productive. Its a script I have developed for myself to help with some of my conflicts.

    Is there and end? Yes and more than one. There is the ultimate end of this earth life though I guess that this is not what you are asking. There is an end to a period of transition as you develop and become more accepted in your new gender and gender role in a similar way to how a young girl becomes a young woman and then a mature woman (it's a process). There will also be and end to your current level of distress and again this will be a process. In the mental health arena (for people with psychotic disorders etc) we talk about recovery. There is recovery as the professional sees it meaning euthymic mood, being free of hallucinations etc. There is also the clients recovery. These types of recovery can be the same, similar or very different. The crux is that in personal recovery the client (sorry for being clinical) will plan with guidance, what recovery means to them and it can mean a great many things including just being able to have some social contact, enough money to live on and a home. In a similar way, the end for you may mean coming through the very difficult roller coaster ride where you currently are, to eventual acceptance or maybe just tolerance of you buy others in whatever way you present. With some people tolerance is the best you are going to get.

    I do hope that this is useful to you and that your mental pain eases and diminishes soon.

    Take good care Vanessa

    Anne-Marie

  7. #7
    Gold Member Kaitlyn Michele's Avatar
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    Vanessa I hear you..

    How sublime to feel the way I'm sure you do...wondering who and what you are..wondering "why me?"... feeling anxiety over all the uncertainty, or perhaps worried about sacrifices that right now you can't see yourself making (but wondering how you are going to deal with life if you DONT make those sacrifices)..

    so pls understand there are lots of people just like you going through things..

    and it's ok to vent, its ok to keep it hard and heavy if thats where you are... you need to work through things in your way

    If possible, you can use the bad nights as motivation...i used my weight at first...i had the feeling i was transitioning, i knew what i was...but i hated it, and i was overwhelmed, and so i lost alot of weight...that made me feel better about myself

    Anne-Marie's post shows how you can come up with your own ideas, that fit your own needs to cope with things...

  8. #8
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    You ask, is there an end? That depends on what you feel needs to end. Is there an end to the night? Sure there is. It's called dawn. Is there an end to the journey you are on? Yes, There is. IMHO, it depends on how well you accept and understand yourself. This does not only pertain to whether or not you may or may not be a woman. It is everything in our lives that causes this turmoil. The longer you deny and fight to accept a truth, the longer the journey seems to last. Yes, we all go through this. Whether it is deciding to take a loan or deciding to become a woman.

    As Vanessa said above, "you need one or two people who you can really trust, and I mean really trust. They may be on this site or they may be in the physical world, perhaps workers in the mental health arena". To start I would suggest you see a gender therapist to help you work it out.

    I can only speak for myself, yes there was an end to it all. It came shortly after having my SRS. I realized that I had finally achieved that which I had fought so hard for, for so many years. I was now complete and it was time to move on. Life has been "normal" since then (whatever normal is).

  9. #9
    Woman on the outside Jennie1975's Avatar
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    I dont post often enough, with that being said I have noticed a distrubing trend not only in my life but also on this forum. Already in two post in this thread the fact that the OP is having some very "normal" ups and downs, questioning their life choices, and feeling frustrated. Just like I have and almost every person in this world has dealt with two replys have attemped to minimize and dismiss those very valid and wide spread feelings of self doubt by claiming "Its just the hormones". That just is so wrong for so many reasons! I have had as well as every other human has hormones surging through their body from before birth. These feeling of second guessing, self doubt, frustration, and not seeing an end are all life induced human issues. To chaulk them up to just hormones is simplistic and very patriarcial way to view and address them.

    Thats my rant for now.

    Jennifer
    Facebook.com/JenniferMorris1975

  10. #10
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    Rant if you need to Jennie1975.

    However, I'm pretty sure most 'normal' people don't want their outsie to be an insie. I know because a year ago I could control what was happening in and to me. Now all that has turned upside down and inside out.

    Yet as some have stated here, and I agree, if ya need to scream then standup and scream cause I will listen to you.

    If we where 'normal' this site and form would not exist at least in the same context.

    When I have read a post that someone sound like they maybe in serious trouble I try help. I don't back my truck over them. To help is normal.

    But hey, don't let me stop you from starting your on post and rating on about people like me, b*tch!

    sincerely
    Vanessa's bodyguard
    Last edited by *Vanessa*; 10-09-2011 at 12:52 PM.

  11. #11
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    Apparently there is and this is it
    Good night john boi

  12. #12
    Silver Member Starling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele View Post
    ...wondering "why me?"...worried about sacrifices that right now you can't see yourself making (but wondering how you are going to deal with life if you DONT make those sacrifices)...
    That's the crux of the matter, Kaitlyn. Right now I'm sitting here wondering what all that uproar inside of me yesterday was about, and thinking how silly it would be to turn my life upside-down on a whim. And then I remind myself that dysphoria is only taking a nap, and that my guts will start churning again before I know it.

    How much longer can I stand the cycles? It's like a one-person game of chicken. God, we need all the luck we can get.

    Sleep well, everybody. Vanessa, thanks for starting this thread.

    Lallie
    Time for a change.

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