First time out -- I did it but need some comfort...

[Maiko Newhalf]

Dear Sisters,

I did it for the first time -- I went out en femme! But the experience is soooooooooooooo scary......

The trip plan was simple. I go out to a Arby's next to my hotel, get some dinner to go and come back, right? But nothing went as planned. First I get stage fright because I found out that my walk was horrible. I spending the next hour practicing and video recording my walk and almost gave up the idea of going out. However, it is not easy for me to get the chance to dress no mentioning going out en femme. So I really don't want to give up. I finnaly gather enough strength to pull open the door and step out -- I'm officially out!

It starts OK before I step out the totel. A couple of guys shared the elevator with me but didn't show any thing odd. But right after I step out of the hotel there were this guy (with all dirty clothes, homeless or something) walking by and saying "Hey you look sexy where are you gioing?" in a VERY BAD way! I got the so scared and so nervous and so self-concious after it. I managed to ignore him and went on my way. I did remember to stop at the side of the road and check to see if he followed me. This is the first time I felt the helplessness of a girl also I'm still the same guy I felt completely different.

Then I arrived at Arby's. The staffs are really nice. They know I'm a guy in dress but didn't show anything. I placed my order and waited quitely there. And these three collage guy arrived at the restaurant in their big truck. One guy kept looking my way trying to read me. Wow, it feels bad to be read. I guess he must have sensed my nervousness. Before I left I accidentally hit a emply container down and the guy just shouted out loud in a teasing way "Easy!Easy!!". The only good thing is another guy who just came in when I left opened the door for me. I guess I perhaps pass at the first glance or he's just really nice. Anyways, God bless him.

Well, if you think this is the trip, the worst has never happened yet. After returning to the hotel and get on to the elevator by myself. I finally felt relief. My stomache was aching partly because of the hunger parly the nervousness. But I thought I did it and were actually very happy that I made my "maiden" outting safely back. By the time I reach the door, I'm really in the mood to chill out and enjoy my food. THEN, HERE COMES THE WORST: THE DARN KEY DIDN"T WORK!!!!!!! How could this happen. I tried a million times and ran through a million possibilities in my head. I thought about the people I could call for help -- it's not my home but even at home I have not outted to anyone. I felt so helpless at the time. In the end I decided to call the front desk. I was hoping I don't need to come back down but they said I had to. I went pass a family on my way. And I was so panic they read me right away. They stopped chatting when I passed them. The girl at front desk was surprise when I say I need a new key because when I called I used my male voice and when I spoke to her in person I used the female one. But she didn't say anything and just nicely pointed out that I should put my key near a cell phone. The cell phone!!! I haven't get used to put everything I need in the purse!

Anyways when I come back to my room, my stomach were actually spasming and I felt horrible. I have to collapse on the ground for a while before I could recover my strength to remove my wig etc..

Now after more than a hour I finally calmed down. And you know what? I don't regret going out of the door. It's something I have to do. I hope more and more people understands what it feels like to be trans. We didn't choose to be this way. (I have tears in my eye when I wrote this...) I don't want to go back in denial anymore despite the fact that I lost my self confidence and the horrible feeling of being read and outted. I can only think about how to move forward, to be accepted and before that how to accept myself. I guess my nervousness get magnified when I thought about I'm attending a conference with people in my field. The fear of being outted is much more intense -- that's why I chose to not have dinner in the safety of inside the hotel in the first place.

Well, this is my experience of first time out en femme. There will be a second time and it will get better. Thanks for reading this long post!

Rose

[joanne shannon]

Congratulations Rose...You finally did it! The next time will be a little easier . . . you did good girl.

Joanne

[Monique Myers]

Glad you didn't regret it. Don't worry about passing, just be yourself and enjoy your time out. What others think is not remotely as important as how you feel inside.

[sara.s]

Congrats Rose.. you will feel better and better every time you go out.. Try to smile as much as possible. Even if you are read, your smile will still give out a positive vibe.

[Duana]

Rose,

You were very brave and I'm incredibly proud of you. It takes massive courage to do what you did and you did it. That's more than 75% of CDs will ever do. Trust me when I say, it gets easier each time. Keep going and pretty soon you'll be rocking the world en femme. Keep up the good work.

[MJ]

Congratulations Rose, but please just relax. get out there have a good time. hell i don't pass n i'm a full time girl ...well herman munster in a dress.. but just be yourself. good job well done

[sara.s]

Rose,

You were very brave and I'm incredibly proud of you. It takes massive courage to do what you did and you did it. That's more than 75% of CDs will ever do. Trust me when I say, it gets easier each time. Keep going and pretty soon you'll be rocking the world en femme. Keep up the good work.

That means 1 in 4 cd's dare to go out completely dressed, which is not true. it must be something like 95% or more..

[cdtraveler]

Amazing courage! as someone still quite closeted I can assume you as I read your story I could still very much understand how you must have felt and yet you di it! We are here to support you (even if I'm still not quite where you are at present on this wondeful trip of life.)

[Maiko Newhalf]

Thank you girls. You always make me feel better when I'm depressed.

I'm more leaning towards the transgender side so going out is a must for me. I treat it like a mini RLE. I have this deep yearning to be able to interact with people as a woman. That's why I care about passing so much. I'm sure I'll enjoy the experience themselves better and better. I need to build up confidence and self-acceptance.

The experience is not just bad. Sure it's scary but I need to feel the cons of being a women like sometime being helpless and even harrassed as well. It is necessary to my transistion, if there will be one. The thing is I have family responsibilities so transitioning is a very complicated deal. I also can't share these experience with my wife. She knows I'm going out but I'm sure she don't want to know the details...

I'm so glad that I have you gals.

[Maiko Newhalf]

You know, the more I think about it the more I realized that the not passing should be a given. Only the extremely luck trans girls pass in the beginning I guess. Self-acceptance and positive altitude would certainly help. If I smiled at that guy, he might not be reading or teasing me like that anymore.

100% not passing is somewhat dissapointing though. LOL.

[MJ]

if thats your avatar then you should not have any trouble passing you look great

[susangirl]

Rose Rose Rose

You got out the door and most don't get that fare. I can understand your feelings about going out and how other people view you as a woman. Don't give up and keep thinking about the reasons you what to do this. In the end all of your effort will be worth it. It took me over three years to open the door and go. Once you get the confidence to just go it feels great. Sure people read me but who cares, I don't. Talk with you soon.

[Marcia Blue]

[SIZE="3"] Rose you did fine. The first time out is nerve wracking. The room key thing, is a test, I have had to deal with this test also. You passed the test and gained admittance to your room. You did learn that the hotel staff, fast food staff, and the general public, really do not care what you wear. Way to go Girl!! Next time will be easier. [/SIZE]

[sissystephanie]

Rose,

I have been a crossdresser for the better part of 70 years. In that time I have been out in public more times then I can count! But the very worst time occured about 5 1/2 years ago after my wife had died. She had totally supported my CD'ing and always did my makeup and fixed my wig when I went out in public. I was terrible at both so just let her do it. When she died, I wondered how I would ever go out again. I decided to try going out dressed completely enfemme, but with no wig and no makeup. In other words, I go out as a guy dressed as a woman. The amazing thing is, nobody cares!! I have been going out that way for the last 5 1/2 years and have not one single negative remark made to me!!

Most of the fears that you had occurred in your own mind!! You are a good looking girl and should not worry about passing. People really don't pay that much attention to what you are wearing, unless you are dressed to show off!! I am a Natural 40 B, and usually wear uplift bras so as to create nice cleavage!! And I do show it off, even though I certainly look like a man!!

Get dressed up and go out again!! It is fun!!

[Danielle_cder]

you rocked it girl! had challenges overcame every one of them and your still breathing have all of your limbs! life is one step at a time. Think about how much adrenaline you got! people skydive jump off cliffs race cars to get the rush, we just have to wear clothes and go into the world.

put a smile on your face, hold your head up be proud!!!

-d

[AKADonna]

Rose,

You made it, girl! Just rejoice in that fact. To me, the only scary part of your story is the weird, apparently homeless guy and your concern for your safety. MOst eveything else is just people being people. It will get better each time you go out! You have the worst part behind ya now!

[Risque_Christine]

Good for you, Rose! It takes most of us years just to accept that this is something we have to do, and then go do it. Just a few words of encouragement:
1) You will take more care to look your best than most women will, and I bet GGs get the same treatment at times.
2) Someplace, somewhere a kind or less observant person will make you feel like a million bucks by doing something simple like saying "Hello, Miss" or holding the door for you. It will happen and you will be on Cloud 9.
Christine

[Diana Bain]

Rose, you did it...walked in the world. I did the same a couple of weeks ago scared shi.less. But it's a start...a part of us belongs out there...I wish you well!

[Jorja]

Way to go Rose!!!! So brave. You met all the challenges that came your way. Not many can say that on their first time out. As your confidence builds it does get easier.

I would tell about my first time out but I cannot be responsible for so many laughing themselves to death.

[Duana]

That means 1 in 4 cd's dare to go out completely dressed, which is not true. it must be something like 95% or more..

I'm not sure if you mean 95% do or do NOT go out? The number I heard was 70% never go out.

[bridget thronton]

Well done Rose. Quite a long adventure.

[DanaR]

Rose, congratulations on your first time out. Hopefully it will be easier the next time. I think that as long as you try to act and dress normal, most people won't give you a second look. Most of us over dress, even dressed up women get looked at. As far as the room key, I usually get 3 and put one of them in my wallet and the others in different places in my purse. You might check the room keys occasionally, just to make sure they all work. I've gone through the same situation that you did with the key.

[Donna1]

Wow, Rose, I wish I had your courage!!!! I envy you girl, congrats!!!!! hugs!

[jjjjohanne]

Rose, you were brave. I wouldn't have dreamed to go to a store and interact with people on my first outing. I recommend that you be careful going out at night. It feels safer because it is dark, but bad people feel safer in the dark too. I found that going to the mall during school hours is the safest feeling outing I have ever had. Most people don't see you when they are shopping. Anyhow, you are brave! Congratulations! Hold your head up high and people will be more intimidated of you than to make a scene. (Not that people ever seem to make a scene.)

[Rianna Humble]

Well done Rose! Overcoming our fear of what will happen takes immense courage and I'm proud of you for doing that

I'm sorry that your first encounter had to be with the creep on the street but you handled it well. I know that on my first few outings, I was incredibly conscious of how I thought people were reacting to me. Turns out some of them had not even noticed me

Luckily there will always be one or two like the gent who held the door for you.

As you have found, restaurant/hotel staff will not normally discriminate against you but will treat you as the valuable customer that you are.

I can understand why it took you ages to calm down after a scary experience like that, but you have got just the right attitude when you talk about accepting yourself and I promise you that it does get easier bit by bit.