Painful bitting my tounge

[L0vleyme]

I just felt the need to share. This weekend I was visiting my futur in-laws. My (supportive) gf went shopping with her mom, so Her brother in law and I where helping farm. In the truck with her dad and brother in law.. We passes by a house that happened to belong to a TG. So began the "he-she" and "it"comments. I felt horrible and was on the verge of crying, but managed to fake a smile on my face with the occasional chuckle. Any coming out of any extent or attempts to defend the neighbor would have been worthless. I haven't felt this horrible about having to remain quiet in a long time. They had no idea that they where making fun of me at the same time they where making fun of this individual.

[Eryn]

This is your potential FIL, not your father. You're an adult. You don't need to conform to his bigoted opinion. In fact, you could simply ask him "What did this person do to you to inspire your hatred? Make him justify what he spews.

[larry]

Ouch--Not good to hear from your future in-laws. Best of luck..

[DanaR]

Hopefully after you get married, you won't have to deal or be around your in-laws very much. Sometimes there can be a real problems with families. It's sad that this happened to you. Best of luck.

[SheriM]

Good luck with your future inlaws. I would say that it is best not to come out to them.

[LeaP]

You don't choose your in-laws, they come with wlth the package. Moreover, it's probable that you and your SO will disagree with them on any number of things over the years. While a mild comment like "really? I have no problem with that" might be justified, there isn't much point in taking it further for the time being. You can't convince them against their will, and coming out now is more likely to result in viewing you as a mistake for your GF's future.

Have some fun with it - "I dunno, man, you might stay a lot cooler in the field with short-shorts, a midi top, and a sun hat"!

Let it go and look for a more receptive time, preferably one-on-one.

I understand biting the tongue - there was an office conversation about "tranny hookers" the other day (which also harks back to a recent thread on the word's popular usage). But what's the use of bringing up an educational point when the leverage starts with such a negative? Again, best to look for a better opening - one that doesn't start with a correction.

Lea

[kimdl93]

I know it was difficult. The odd thing is that people just assume its ok to be bigoted and to express that bigotry. Obviously, it never occurred to your fiance's brother in law that anyone might have a loved one who is TG, or conceivably be TG themselves. Of course, we don't know what might also be lurking in this guy's closet.

[linda allen]

I know it was difficult. The odd thing is that people just assume its ok to be bigoted and to express that bigotry. Obviously, it never occurred to your fiance's brother in law that anyone might have a loved one who is TG, or conceivably be TG themselves. Of course, we don't know what might also be lurking in this guy's closet.

Bigots don't think about others. And they often either don't realize they are bigots, or they are proud to be bigots, just like some folks are proud to be ignorant.

I run into this on other forums on other subjects where people are complaining that all cops are corrupt or that black or Hispanic people are stupid. They are too ignorant (or proud of that ignorance) to realize that they cannot see who is reading their posts.

There's no way I would come out to my FIL. I can't talk to him about anything without it turning into an argument. He is 100% right about everything and will be until the day he dies.

[Toni Citara]

Good advice, Eryn. I've actually done this very thing to some people, and after they stumble for words, they eventually say it is a "sin" and "against Nature", blah blah blah. The bible also says it is a sin for a woman to not have her hair covered, etc. Picking and choosing which verses in a book written by men, and edited by men, does not make it any more accurate than a hollywood script. I'm not saying there wasn't some divine inspiration, but I also believe people that "see the Virgin Mary" etc., are mentally unstable and need psychotropic meds to balance their life.

This is your potential FIL, not your father. You're an adult. You don't need to conform to his bigoted opinion. In fact, you could simply ask him "What did this person do to you to inspire your hatred? Make him justify what he spews.

[Stephanie47]

If the neighbor was African-American would you not call your future in-laws on their bigotry? You do not have to sit silent. You do not have to reveal your personal lifestyle. It is surprising how many friends I have, who I have known for many years, who erroneously assume my wife and I share their bigotry and revulsion of anybody who is not like themselves. There are many flavors of ice cream than just vanilla.

[*Vanessa*]

To the OP:
You didn't mention, but I assume you didn't offer a reply. This in itself is your 'reaction' to their comments. I have used that approach often on a few different topic and it works every time (face-to-face conversations). If there is no reaction, they stop talking cause there is no soapbox for them.

By the sounds of it you are going to have a very sore tongue for awhile. Apply what I say, don't try move them to like the person at first, start with not talking about them, then to involvement (i.e. what do they do, where do they work, etc.). You will ok.

[Cynthia Anne]

This is your potential FIL, not your father. You're an adult. You don't need to conform to his bigoted opinion. In fact, you could simply ask him "What did this person do to you to inspire your hatred? Make him justify what he spews.

I think this is the way I would choose to handle the situation! Everyone is intitled to there opinion but some should keep their's to themselves! There is no room in my life for hatred! Hugs!

[Stephenie S]

RANT:

Alright guys. This is NOT OK.

Just a couple of points. There is NOTHING to indicate your being a crossdresser just because you object to bigotry. I hear this excuse ALL THE TIME and it really ticks me off. I couldn't say a word for fear of "outing " myself. What a PITIFUL excuse for ignoring hatred and bigotry.

There is ABSOLUTELY no reason to expect that because you call someone on their bigotry that they would AUTOMATICALLY assume that "You must be one too".

If your family member called a American soldier a "lazy nig*er", would they assume YOU were black because you protested such bigotry? I think not. Were someone to describe your wife as a s**t and you defended her, would they assume you were a s**t too? I think not. Were someone to call your friend a fag*t, and you defended your friend, would they assume that YOU were a fag*t too?

If you answered YES to those questions I am sorry. I think you are far too fearful of your own imagination.

Your future FIL? Whew. Remember Archie and Meathead? Meathead never quit objecting to Archie's bigoted behavior. Even when he lost the argument (all the time), he could hold his head up and stand tall.

End of RANT.

So sorry you future FIL feels that way. You have my sympathy.

Stephie

Oh, and Gloria loved him all the more for being true to his values.

[Maria 60]

I know how you feel, my inlaws have a lady across the street who's son is gay. They say he's gay because the father left when he was young and he may have a mental problem. I try to explain that he is born with it, but they are like the rest, and believe either your the same as everyone else or your screwed up. The strange thing is when we go to a wedding or a party together my mother inlaw will always come to me and ask me if she's dressed ok. I sometimes think she knows something about me.

[SabrinaEmily]

Hopefully after you get married, you won't have to deal or be around your in-laws very much. Sometimes there can be a real problems with families. It's sad that this happened to you. Best of luck.

Won't have to be around your in-laws? Well, that's wishful thinking if I ever heard it. When you marry someone, you're joining their family, and that means everyone else in it too.

Don't acquiesce to, or worse, go along with bigotry and prejudice just because you're afraid of them somehow inferring that you should be targeted with it too -- i.e., of your own shadow.

You don't have to do any damn thing you don't want to, and that includes swallowing your tongue.

If I sound angry, you're damned right I am. Stephenie is right. This is a pitiful excuse, and from someone who has no right to be making excuses. Grow a spine next time. (I don't mean out yourself; I mean speak up.) Even if they wouldn't have listened (and believe me, I've tried with little success to talk sense into transphobic people who thought it was fine and dandy to out others) you'll be happy to have acted with integrity, and at least they'll learn that not everyone in their lives thinks that sort of hateful prejudice is funny, or agrees with it.

[Eryn]

Won't have to be around your in-laws? Well, that's wishful thinking if I ever heard it. When you marry someone, you're joining their family, and that means everyone else in it too.

Nothing that a few hundred miles of distance won't cure!

[Sophie86]

If I sound angry, you're damned right I am. Stephenie is right. This is a pitiful excuse, and from someone who has no right to be making excuses. Grow a spine next time.

Here it is again. People angrily and self-righteously telling other folks on the forum what they ought to be doing in their lives. Why? Why not try this instead...

It's possible to speak up in situation like this without actually outing oneself, and it would feel much better than allowing them to get away with what they were saying.

See? That's not angry or judgmental, and it makes the exact same point. We could even throw in a little humor, like this:

I would ask the FIL: "Is this person stealing your chickens? Has he run over your mailbox? Does he play loud music late at night? No? Sounds like a good neighbor to me, then."

It's not that hard to be nice.

[Stephenie S]

Hmm. Sophie has a point.

I went off just because I have heard this excuse SOOO many times.

Sorry.

[Sophie86]

Hmm. Sophie has a point.

I went off just because I have heard this excuse SOOO many times.

Sorry.

Thanks for not taking the suggestion badly.

[SabrinaEmily]

Could I have been nicer? Yeah. Should I have been? Quite likely.

But giggling along with bigotry, even more so bigotry against oneself out of fear of basically nothing, is something I hate with a passion. I'm willing to be seen as self-righteous and judgmental about that.

[L0vleyme]

Thanks for all the replies. I agree I should have said something.. But I guess I was intimidated. I did remain silent and looked out my window so as to not feed the fire. I have been with my gf for 7 years and get along with her family great otherwise. Maybe next time I will be more prepared and not taken by surprise if a similar conversation arrises, and can call them out on their childish taunts.

[Eryn]

Take our advice with a grain of salt. You're marrying your SO, not her daddy. It's unlikely that you will change his mind so any challenging you might do will be for your own gratification only. It might be fun, but beware of its effect on your relationship with your SO. Sometimes it's best to let let sleeping dogs lie.

Get married, then move 1000 miles away. Problem solved.

[ChanDelle]

This is a tough one. Reminds me of the old saw about teaching a pig to dance. The pig gets mad and you get muddy. There's really no good answer to this one. I think it's a no win situation no matter what. Hugs.

ChanDelle

[Kittyagain]

I have never known a person that was not a bigot. Not me, not anybody. Never! I am just as guilty as the next person. The real difference in people is how they deal with the dislike for other people's characteristic.

A firm I worked with had a man transition to a woman. A person I never met. It was the talk at every meeting or get together for a few days. Jokes ran through their office like a stomach virus. I am sure I laughed at one of the jokes as bad as that sounds but I inside I chided myself for the snicker. I could and should have said somethng but it was easier just to wait it out. Interesting though, after the jokes ran their course, the person got high marks for being a good asset to the company.

It can be as simple as "Until the fat lady sings." one that has hurt many people. Who hasn't laughed at a joke about other people. Even in this discussion, there is intolerance towards these people. They are probably good people for the most part that just need a bit of understanding about something they really know nothing about.

From Webster's:

Bigot: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance.

I am a bigot. I must try not to be.

Kitty

[Karren H]

Yeah!! I'd have done the same thing. Your not going to change their attitude toward their neighbors... And you going to stir up a fire storm... So don't let those judgmental "holier than though" people get to you... I'm sure they aren't as perfect in their lives as what they think I'm sure not perfect. Far from it.