It is clear to me my SO will not support my CDing and gender issues or is it.
Do I try live around this situation and not lie so I don't upset the statuesque? This thread: in "What IS a supportive SO?" entry #58; made me think of my issues from a reverse perspective and that is “So what is a supportive CDer?” I've not mentioned this before in any threads, but feel a little background to set the stage so to speak is in order:
1. Wife one left right after our honey moon. Her reason was not being ready for marriage. We have a 40yr daughter and three grandkids. I don't know any of these people. My daughter and I tried to work out a relationship roughly 8 years ago but failed I think. We don’t talk.
2. Second wife, who I dated prior to my first wife. We have two kids 35 and 37. One of them has two children, my grandkids. I’ve never meet these children, they live thousands of kilometres away. I came-out to this wife as a CDer. She was appalled at the thought and told me that she didn't want anything to do with CDing but was ok with me being active in the closet, pun intended. I left that marriage 7 years in because I could not take all the arguing and fighting. Turns out I still love this woman. She came from a very aggressive family.
3. Third wife, married for 27 years. Told her when we were dating that I was a CDer. She gladly accepted me and for the most part we had a good life. You can't review 27 years in half a dozen sentences. She was/is bi-polar, and when she was on meds for the most part was not emotionally available. She left the marriage in January of 2009. She is an adult survivor of savior child abuse. Let me clearly state that I am only stating that she was bi-polar and not offering this as some excuse. If you are not informed by the condition please education yourself.
What was the ‘tell’ something was up with her? I hacked into her email after she bought herself a new pair of panties (and none for me) and I found them hanging to dry in the bathroom the night after coming home late from work, that she never ever done prior.
4. Fourth wife kind of, my friend and current SO. She came into the picture 10 years ago and overlapped my last marriage. She moved herself and her three kids literally across the country for a better life (ending a bad marriage) and to be closer to me. She is for the most part my now my provider. She has been alone most of her life, Ex-military and trained sniper. She doesn’t share anything except what she thinks need to. She is not stingy, but self absorbed in life planning to a fault. She gave me a poem that she wrote just after we move in together. It is beautiful, like marriage vows. She is a wonderful provider just like a man should be, but she is NOT a man. We don't have any adult relations period. She supports me when I go out chasing Grizzle bears and other animals in the mountains with my camera gear. The military changes people, how can they not. They are out there being shot at protecting people’s right back home. You don't drop that kind of training (mind f*ck) on the way home from war.
Again how does a person lay down enough information that you don't stir up someone else’s pet peeves? I apologies if I am it is not my intent.
How do I get to a point and say "I believe I should tell her I might have a little transgender issue happening? I cook, clean, provide support the best I can. But where is me, Vanessa in all this? She is non-existent that's where. If I cannot be honest with ME then why live? There would be no reason to exist if everything in life is based on lies. Sure word play come into the picture, we all do it. We want to communicate and be nice with people. We don't want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so we say "oh I love those shoes" or "that Poppa J's pizza was good". Is this any different then getting up in the morning and pulling up your panties well getting dressed? I think not. Is it different than getting into full girl mode and going out shopping without your SO being aware of your life? You bet, very much so. That to me is a lie.
So there it is.
How do I build a supportive relationship with my SO? Do I run the risk of losing her as a very close friend by opening the doors to who I am? Remember I cannot support myself in any way. Or do I lie and know it will only be a matter of time before I or the relationship implodes? Is there another way? Let me reiterate her training as a sniper. Her life depended on knowing her surroundings at every given moment. Maybe not so subtle but she and her two girls both noticed my rather long nails at our Thanksgiving supper. No one said anything, so maybe there is hope for little old girlie me.
A side note in ending: She just came home from work; she had a story about one of her co-workers and ended with this thought, strangely enough. There is a big difference between a bullsh*ter and a liar. A bullsh*ter knows they are bullsh*ting and everyone around knows that. A liar is dishonest.