New shoes and Therapists

[Barbra P]

Most of today was an utter bore and I really wanted to dress something fierce, but I had dressed on Monday and I knew my Wife would be somewhat upset if I dressed again. But the real reason was that it hit 105 today and we don’t have air-conditioning, and to think that a week ago the high barely broke 60. The heat was just oppressive and I knew that a bra and breast forms, waist cinch, makeup, and wig would be just about intolerable.

Around four this afternoon my Daughter and I went to Payless Shoes and I found a nice pair of black, open toed, sling backs, with 4” heels that were on clearance and after an additional discount at the register the price was only $10. I think they’ll look great Saturday night at my support group meeting.

I met with my therapist on Monday and after discussing how I was feeling about the recent death of my Mother and a few other things we got around to my cross dressing. She wanted to know how often I dressed and I told her about once a week. She didn’t think that was often enough and suggested that I dress twice a week. I said that would cause too much friction with my wife, she barely tolerates once a week, and her reply was that my Wife would adapt. She also inquired if I had approached my Doctor to see if my health would allow me to start with female hormones. One of the last things she said to me before the hour was up was that she was looking forward to seeing me enfemme for our next session. I told her that I didn’t know if I was up to walking through the crowded lobby to the elevator and then approaching the check-in desk on the third floor and eventually sitting with the other patients in the waiting room – she said “you’ll do just fine and I’m looking forward to meeting Barbra.” Guess my new black sling-back shoes will come in handy on that day too.

[Cynthia Anne]

Interesting little story Barbra! I feel you should talk things over with your wife! The therapist saying ''she will adapt'' concerns me! Perhaps you can get your wife to go with you on the next session! Best to you! Hugs!

[Sara Jessica]

Barbra, I am planning on being at the group on Saturday so remind me, I have some ideas that might work for you, and keep your wife happy as well .

[Kathi Lake]

Barbra,

I'm with Cynthia. Your therapist sounds like they think you're ready to throw your wife by the wayside. Is that truly what you want? With that attitude, the only thing your wife will be adapting to is adapting to being without you.

Listen to Sara. She is currently walking that tightrope along with you, and has some good suggestions, I'm sure.

Kathi

[LeaP]

Does your wife ever visit the therapist with you?

Lea

[Barbra P]

Hi Cynthia Anne and Kathi

That was pretty much my concern. I have told my Therapist that we have been married for 40 years and I still love my Wife very much, but I can’t give up crossdressing. We (my Therapist) have talked about whether I want to transition, including SRS, or begin HRT to some degree or other and I have told her that I don’t want to upset or hurt my Wife any more than my crossdressing has already. She asked if at some point I had to choose between my wife and cross dressing what would I do. I don’t think any of us can answer a question like that, not until we are actually faced with making such a choice. I do know that I just came off an eight year purge and I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, go through that again. My Wife and I are both retired living on fixed incomes, we have a reverse mortgage and we can live in our house as long as one of us is alive. Neither of us alone makes enough to pay off the mortgage and assume a new mortgage, and in today’s market we couldn’t sell the house for enough to pay off the mortgage much less acquire some money to subsist on.

Circumstances are such that a divorce probably isn’t in the realm of possibilities even if one of us wanted one, which currently we do not. I have a half-brother as my only living blood relative, but my Wife does have a brother and an aunt living in San Diego and lots of nieces and cousins. While our combined income is sufficient, neither income would support living in San Diego without some sort of government welfare such as Section-eight. There is also one of our daughters and two grandchildren living with us to consider.

There are some other issues involved that I don’t wish to discuss on the Internet but that my Therapist is aware of.

[Kathi Lake]

Understood, Barbra. My heart does go out to you. It sounds that you already know what your choice is, but circumstances have trapped you in a place that you don't necessarily want to be. If your marriage is more important, then by all means, let your therapist know that, and see if you can work towards a solution - and it does exist - that you both can live with.

Kathi

[Barbra P]

Hi Lea

No. My Therapist works in the Psychiatric Department and is not a marriage counselor and I was told that seeing my Wife would a conflict of interest unless seeing my Wife was considered instrumental in maintaining my mental health. She has alluded to seeing us together at some point in the future. It is my understanding that if my Wife were to seek therapy she would have to see another Therapist.

[Barbra P]

Hi Kathi

The key to your last post is “that you both can live with”. For many I’m sure they would say that the solution is straightforward, but that solution is not one I would care to live with.

[LeaP]

Hi Lea

No. My Therapist works in the Psychiatric Department and is not a marriage counselor and I was told that seeing my Wife would a conflict of interest unless seeing my Wife was considered instrumental in maintaining my mental health. She has alluded to seeing us together at some point in the future. It is my understanding that if my Wife were to seek therapy she would have to see another Therapist.

Got it. While I understand The responses you've received, some of them put you in the position of choosing conflict with your wife or with your therapist. That can't be left unaddressed.

Lea

[Barbra P]

Got it. While I understand The responses you've received, some of them put you in the position of choosing conflict with your wife or with your therapist. That can't be left unaddressed.

Lea

Or with myself. My thoughts currently are that I keep everything pretty much the same as far as how often I dress until I can meet again in early November with my Therapist. At that time I can discuss further the problem I have with forcing my Wife to accept my dressing twice as often as I currently do. My Wife tolerates my dressing around the house provided it doesn't get out of hand. The week my Mother died I dressed three days in a row as a means of relieving some of the stress I felt and a means to take my mind off my Moms death, and on the third day my Wife said that was enough. The other side of the coin is that while my Mother died September eighth I haven't one word of sympathy or condolences from her; I know that my Mother and my Wife were not on the best of terms, no one was with my Mother, but I didn't thinl it was unreasonable to expect a "Gee, I'm terribly sorry about your Mother, is there anything I can do to help you."

[Kathi Lake]

I dressed three days in a row as a means of relieving some of the stress I felt . . .

Barbra, to your wife, this says, "I don't need you." I'm sure she believes (or believed) that she should be the one relieving your stress, but when you need something, you don't go running off to her, but to yourself, instead. That's . . . kinda selfish. Yes, that was not very nice that she did not seem to remember or care about your mother's death. If this marital friction has been going on a long time, she probably feels very disconnected.

I see a relationship that looks broken from the outside. That is sad. It seems that you need to have a little couples counseling, while you still can, but my main hope is that you both somehow will get what you want out of life.

Kathi

[SamanthaS]

Hello Barbra. I hope you go through with meeting your therapist en fem. I don't know what you look like, so you'll have to shoot me a pic babe.

[J'lyn GG]

Or with myself. My thoughts currently are that I keep everything pretty much the same as far as how often I dress until I can meet again in early November with my Therapist. At that time I can discuss further the problem I have with forcing my Wife to accept my dressing twice as often as I currently do. My Wife tolerates my dressing around the house provided it doesn't get out of hand. The week my Mother died I dressed three days in a row as a means of relieving some of the stress I felt and a means to take my mind off my Moms death, and on the third day my Wife said that was enough. The other side of the coin is that while my Mother died September eighth I haven't one word of sympathy or condolences from her; I know that my Mother and my Wife were not on the best of terms, no one was with my Mother, but I didn't thinl it was unreasonable to expect a "Gee, I'm terribly sorry about your Mother, is there anything I can do to help you."

You can't FORCE your wife to be okay with anything. And its not fair of you to even try to force her. Yes, your wife should have been there for you, regardless what her feelings for your mother were. DId you try to discuss your mom's death with your wife? SOme people don't know what to say about a death. Whether it is a best friend's child or a mother in law you didn't like. It sounds easy to just say 'is there anything I can do to help you', but for some, its not. Did you dress up soon after the death? DId you give your wife a chance to be your shoulder to cry on, before you put her into a situation where she may have felt like an outsider, not needed or wanted?

As far as your therapist. Wow. If you told your counselor that you love your wife and not being married to her isn't an option (for love's sake, not money), I wouldn't think they would say something so one-sided. Therapists like that give therapists a bad name, IMO.

[LeaP]

I see a relationship that looks broken from the outside. That is sad. It seems that you need to have a little couples counseling, while you still can, but my main hope is that you both somehow will get what you want out of life.

Kathi

Based solely on the limited information and responses here, I tend to agree. This started with marital conflict over crossdressing. The thread quickly moved into more fundamental relationship issues.

Barbra, it sounds like your riding the powder keg. You have my sympathies - I've been there and it will twist your head and heart apart before it's done.

Lea