Sorry, this is an outpouring. I'm not suicidal, but I am struggling to deal with my life at the moment.
On the surface, I guess I have it better than most of you. I live alone, so I can dress when I like, even get out occasionally. Although I'm not well off, financially, I have enough to get by and treat myself once in a while. I live in a nice flat in a nice block in a nice location.
But I am male; when I look in the mirror, what I see is just an ugly, old man. But it's as though my eyes are lying to me. I shouldn't look like that, I should be a woman. Last night I dreamt that I looked in a mirror and saw the real me, my feminine self. It was the first time I've ever seen myself as I should be; it wasn't my everyday face made up to try to look feminine, which I'm used to seeing, it was the face of the woman that lives inside me. Not an outstanding face, but I knew it was how I should look.
Today, after work, I looked in the mirror as I dressed and put on my wig; I wanted to cry; honestly, my eyes are hurting now as I hold it back. Who is that person? Where has the woman gone? What cruel trick of the gods is this that revealed this part of me now, too late in life to do anything much about it? I hate being old, but most of all I hate being a f***ing man!
I know I'm not alone in this. Many of you feel the same, and many have much worse problems to deal with than I do. This is just me feeling sorry for myself and sharing it with my lovely sisters. And I'm not looking for reassurances about looks or anything. I'm just adding my little perspective to the great CD debate, trying to explain how things look through one pair of eyes.