Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 28

Thread: relationship

  1. #1
    Member bianncats's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    267

    relationship

    this is a long story. my wife cheated on me several years ago and i believe she has has other physical relationships. i hadn't thought about it too much lately, but she is getting texts from a guy and sexting with him. monday night she suggested they meet at a local restaurant for drinks. I"M scared. I have used the crossdressing as a way to cope with it and have pushed the limit wearing bras to bed and moving some of my panties and bras up stairs into an extra bedroom as my wife and i are recent empty nesters.

    i don't really want to quit, but today at work i told a co worker that i was going to quit and now i am here and on ebay looking at what i bid on a few days ago and the itch is starting again...

    I know I don't want to quit...i don't know why i don't WANT to, but i sure the hell don't want to grow old alone. I know i was a jerk by pushing the limit by wearing the bra to bed, but i did it because she hurt me by cheating and sexting and at one point this summer i would rather crossdress than be married to her. maybe that would be a good thing, but i don't want to lose her.

    she has ms and she is fatigued often and that presents it's own resentment as i feel like a maid as she doesn't often lift a finger. since i feel like a maid, you can guess what my crossdressing imagination has run with that scenario, as well as the scenario that she has been cheating. Which feeds the need to crossdress as i must not be fulfilling her needs.

    I am at a loss...
    lovin to dress...

  2. #2
    Member Sophie_C's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Posts
    487
    I hate to say this, but both of you are already checked out of the relationship. It's truly time to move on, both of you have to accept it.

  3. #3
    "Cindarella Man" Jessica86's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    TX
    Posts
    668
    There are many types of crossdressers. You sound like me. My ex-wife cheated on me......three days before getting married. I didn't know about it until we got married. She was a virgin, as was I, due to the saving each other for each other thing. We grew up together. Then, after being married, I found out, was very upset, but let it slide believe it or not. Then, she did it again. That was it. Dressing made me feel so much better, and I thought she was the reason those "urges" came back as strong as they did. Then, I started looking at my job. I'd have a bad day.....I'd dress. Then, after seeing my attorney and meeting my current wife....I dressed. It helped with stress. It still does to this day. Sorry to say, if someone cheats....that's the ultimate betrayal. It's the only thing my wife and I agree on that will cause instant divorce. The relationship can not be fixed if she is already sexting another guy. Let her go. There are plenty out there, and I'm forever thankful I found my wife. She accepts who I am, and loves me. She loves Jessica as well. There's no feeling in the world like someone loving you for who you are. If you don't have that, then you don't have a relationship.
    "If you think you can or can't, you're right" -Henry Ford

  4. #4
    Junior Member SmileS12's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Brownsville, TX
    Posts
    98
    Wow, Jessica and Sophie I think smacked that one right on the head. It's probably over, and you won't live forever alone, you seem to be bright, just from what you said here, sounds like it is time to find someone that appreciates you for you. Sorry if I was to blunt. I've been married 23 years, and I know for a fact my wife has never cheated or sexted anyone. We don't always agree on everything, but she puts up with me. You shouldn't have to quit being you for anyone.

    Toodles
    Eve
    Trudy Evonne Monroe

    I can promise you this: beauty - comes from the inside not the exterior surface. Beauty is not something you put-on...it's something you bring out. Many sisters get so caught up in trying to improve their appearance that they fail to enjoy the pleasure of becoming beautiful. ¨Renee Reyes¨

  5. #5
    Silver Member Jonianne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Tidewater, Virginia USA
    Posts
    2,102
    Quote Originally Posted by bianncats View Post
    .....but i sure the hell don't want to grow old alone.....I am at a loss...
    Since you are empty nesters, I'm guessing you have been together a long time. If you want to stay with her, rather than doing the tit for tat thing, you are going to have to approach her with the heart of saying "I want to repair our relationship and how can we work this out?". Suggest to her you would be willing to go to a marriage counselor.

    If it's too late for that and you don't want to grow old alone, go to a good counselor yourself and spend a lot of time re-examining your own life and working on how you can change your own behaviour that works both for you and your partner.

    I went over 7 years to a counselor. Still, my first marriage didn't work out, but it changed my life and prepared me for a wonderful relationship with my second wife.
    Joni

    "Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan

  6. #6
    "Grandma Susan" SusanLCD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    435
    I wish managing emotions were as easy for me as they seem to be for the other responders.

    During our multi-decade marriage, my wife cheated on me (I believe only one affair.) But, I love my wife and, when she confessed it to me and said the affair was over, we agreed we could put it behind us. The truth is that I felt it would be more painful for me to live without the person I love than to forgive and go on. (Yes, my motives were selfish.)

    Now, many years later, my marriage has ended (she left me for greener pastures) and I'm alone, anyway. The stresses of that are partially offset by the joy that I no longer must suppress my CDing desires. CDing has a definite de-stressing affect for me and, from what I read on this forum, many others. Is it because we're able to be the inner person? I don't know and I don't think it matters.

    Your post shows a lot of stress and you place a great deal of it on yourself. You'll have to decide for yourself where to draw the line on your relationship and your CDing. But, you must find a way to come to grips with the resentment or it will eat up your ability to enjoy your marriage, your CDing, your life. If you and your wife can't discuss these issues, you must find someone with whom you can or it will destructively erupt at an unexpected time. If not professional counseling, possibly someone in the clergy who is trained in counseling (choose, carefully; not all are.)
    Susan

    "Not sure who I am, yet. But, I'll let you know..."

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    1,944
    You only have two choice from which to choose; confront her with EVERYTHING and see if you can both be honest and trusting and make the relationship work provided you BOTH want it to, or it's time to part ways and get on with your lives. There is no guilt on either side to be felt; that's life in the human kingdom and yes, there are matches for everyone out there that will fill each others lives with true joy and happiness until we move on. Don't waste anymore time in limbo; take the next step and see where it takes you and remember, the untimate goal here is to be totally happy and content with who you are and who you are with. Both are equally important.

  8. #8
    Member Marlana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    CNY
    Posts
    316
    I can sympathize with you. At this time in our marriage, my wife has expressed interest in finding someone else who makes her feel appreciated and beautiful. I apparently am not doing a good enough job at this. She just confronted me about my crossdressing. She said she wants me to be happy and i am. She doesn't believe me when I tell her i'm attracted to her. I am seeing a psyciatrist for this and depression. I don't want things to change either but I guess it's up to the next move. Good luck!

  9. #9
    Silver Member linda allen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    4,925
    Quote Originally Posted by Sophie_C View Post
    I hate to say this, but both of you are already checked out of the relationship. It's truly time to move on, both of you have to accept it.
    Short and sweet, but I agree. It takes two committed people to make a marriage.
    [SIGPIC]http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=82706&dateline=137762 0356[/SIGPIC]Linda

  10. #10
    Platinum Member kimdl93's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Almost the Great White North...
    Posts
    20,488
    honestly, this relationship sounds like its pretty much on the rocks - and the worst reason for staying in a relationship is fear of being alone. It would be a favor to your wife and to yourself to either resolve the conflicts or end the relationship.

    Also, I'd separate your desire to CD from the issues in of your marriage. Its ok to dress, and while not something a person might choose, its part of who we are. Perhaps you can move on in your life and find a partner who can embrace this part of who you are.

  11. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    1,944
    Quote Originally Posted by Marlana View Post
    I can sympathize with you. At this time in our marriage, my wife has expressed interest in finding someone else who makes her feel appreciated and beautiful. I apparently am not doing a good enough job at this. She just confronted me about my crossdressing. She said she wants me to be happy and i am. She doesn't believe me when I tell her i'm attracted to her. I am seeing a psyciatrist for this and depression. I don't want things to change either but I guess it's up to the next move. Good luck!
    I do hope you are BOTH attending therapy. If you do love her and you do honestly try to make her feel appreciated and beautiful, and she does not see that, someone is lying and it's not you. Decide what you really want and go for it.

  12. #12
    Gold Member Cynthia Anne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Mo. Ozarks
    Posts
    6,744
    Cheaters cheat! Crossdressers dress!
    Bottem line! There is no fix to either!
    Hugs!
    If you don't like the way I'm livin', you just leave this long haired country girl alone:

  13. #13
    Aspiring Member SarahLynn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    815
    Myself, i'd find what restaurant they are going to meet in and invite myself to their table. Then when i've eaten an expensive, meal, had reasonably good conversation and drunk some but not all of a very expensive wine, i'd get up, taking my wife with me, and leave him with the bill. It's a fair bet he knows she is married (i'm sure she does) and he knows he shouldn't be doing this. I would take my wife home then i'd tell her which side of the bread her butter is on. Then i'd give her the option of stopping this nonsense or heading out the door taking nothing but the clothes on her back.

    Admittedly she may see your behaviour as "cheating" (and i'm assuming you have never actually done so) but that is no excuse for her to actually do it.

    Yes i am a vindictive bast'd.

    SarahLynn
    Last edited by SarahLynn; 10-21-2011 at 08:40 AM.
    Great leaders are not great because of their words or deeds but because of the greatness they inspire from others."
    (Legends of the StarDancer)

  14. #14
    Silver Member Tina B.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    North Coast of California
    Posts
    4,230
    Sorry to hear such a sad tale, but unfortunately I just can't think of a positive word to say to you. But I will say, you don't have to live alone, to be alone, I would have never of recovered from the first time you knew she cheated, much less still be there for round two. Your cross dressing, is no excuse for a cheating spouse.
    Tina B.
    Last edited by Tina B.; 10-21-2011 at 07:26 PM.
    Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.

  15. #15
    Member Joanna41's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    426
    Wow...from what you have said I would have to agree with others here that she isn't interested in making things better. You may want to seek legal advice and start preparing yourself for what seems inevitable. You won't be alone. There are millions of people in this country so finding one just right for you may take some time but enjoy the search and be honest and open with who you choose to be with about your hobby. Good luck.

    Joanna
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Be who you are...not who you think I want you to be

  16. #16
    Just getting my feet wet Marie-Elise's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Atlanta, GA
    Posts
    465
    Quote Originally Posted by SarahLynn View Post
    Myself, i'd find what restaurant they are going to meet in and invite myself to their table. Then when i've eaten an expensive, meal, had reasonably good conversation and drunk some but not all of a very expensive wine, i'd get up, taking my wife with me, and leave him with the bill. It's a fair bet he knows she is married (i'm sure she does) and he knows he shouldn't be doing this. I would take my wife home then i'd tell her which side of the bread her butter is on. Then i'd give her the option of stopping this nonsense or heading out the door taking nothing but the clothes on her back.
    Well played. My feeling is that, if anyone is making you or trying to make you lose your dignity, you get rid of them. The greatest hold slave owners had over their slaves was the loss of dignity. The slaves did not feel they deserved any better and that it was just the way of the world.

    It sounds to me like she has succeeded in making you feel you don't deserve better. Saying "I sure the hell don't want to grow old alone" indicates your belief that no one, especially no one better than her, will have you if she leaves.

    A relative's husband used to psychologically abuse her by constantly telling her that nobody would want her and that she should be glad he's with her.

    Dump the biatch. There are ~150 million females in the US and probably 50 million in your age group, most of which are single (~25 million). The odds are with you, my friend.

  17. #17
    Aspiring Member Alberta_Pat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Alberta
    Posts
    992
    This is definitely a tough situation to be in.

    MS is a very unpleasant disorder, and besides causing fatigue, it can also generate some mental aberrations.

    That said, A Wise Person once said "To thine own self be true". To me, this means That no matter what I do, I must think of myself first. (oh no, here come the flames)

    Only by doing what is right for ME can I do what is right for others. I need to be me, and if by being me it means accepting certain actions of others, then that is what I must do. If I find another persons actions objectionable, I must determine the best way for me to deal with them.

    If your Wifes actions are not acceptable to you, then you must find your way to deal with them. If this means a parting of the ways, then you can do so without GUILT because it is your standard that is important.

    This also applies to your dressing for bed. If this is something that you find the need to do, then you are setting the standard. If your Wife is not willing to adjust her standards, then she is making the decision.

    This situation will take a lot of soul searching on both parts. If you can find a satisfying compromise, then that is all the better. That will take some very intimate discussions. Perhaps you two have not yet reached that depth in your relationship. Very few do.

    So, the choice is yours. Do what you need to do.
    Inside every good man, there is a good woman.

  18. #18
    Silver Member Marcia Blue's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    Western Iowa
    Posts
    2,186
    I am sorry to hear that your wife has been looking outside your marriage. My first wife was a cheater and bi-polar. The bi-polar thing I was willing to work with. The cheating was a deal breaker. She knew about my dressing but flip flopped on approval. Once I decided to get out of the marriage, she said she would change. I knew that what, she said, and what she did, were two different things. Every relationship is different. You need to confront her and be honest, get her side if possible, and see if it can be worked out. Be prepared if she wants out, or is unwilling to really work things out. You may need to think of yourself, she is being very selfish in cheating. The relationship is not healthy at this point.

    Being alone and happy may result in a new out look. That new out look can result in others, being more attracted to you. What I am trying to say is, you may not end up alone. Life has no guarantees. Be honest with her, and see what you need to do.
    Marcia (LOVES) Blue

  19. #19
    Banned Read only
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    South Carolina
    Posts
    1,303
    Well Bianncats, I really feel for you. I've been in that situation several times. Two of my ex wives cheated and one lady I lived with for five years before that also cheated with other men at our home while I was out working. To me, once a cheater, always a cheater. Now there are some men that know their wives are cheating and are ok to tolerate it. And of the times that you have found out, is usually just a scratch on the surface of the extent of what all really is going on.
    For it's the times she has made some mistakes in trying to cover her tracks, think about all the times she covered her tracks so well that you never found out? I'm sure that she has cheated more times than you'll know. She did it years ago and is doing it now. To me that means she has been cheating for years.Is it that your wife uses your dressing as a reason or excuse to do what she is doing? Well from my experiences, one excuse is just like another one.
    I don't know how much you feel for yourself, and of your own honor and dignity and selfworth, but she has already left the marriage in her mind, her body is there but her thoughts and emotions belongs to another,, now you're just being used. Like another poster said of all the millions of women in this country, there is one just right for you. The major part of this marriage is already gone, her emotions, her soul, her heart, her love yearns for others now.
    Just like Cynthia Anne said, "Cheaters cheat, and crossdressers dress", not a good recipe for a happy marriage. If it was me, I'd rather be lonley than to be used and so greatly disrespected by a wife as you are living in now. it's like you get the bad of her, while her lovers get the good of her. A divorce is long over due. Keep us informed, I'd love to know how this will all come out. I wish nothing but the best for you.
    L&R...............Tara

  20. #20
    always girly and love it Linda St. John's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    191
    I so totally understand your feelings. While her MS may make you feel sorry and even guilty ---I'm afraid Sophie and Linda are right ---this relationship is done !
    twitter : @ lindaesj

  21. #21
    GG ReineD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Samsara
    Posts
    21,116
    Quote Originally Posted by bianncats View Post
    I have used the crossdressing as a way to cope with it and have pushed the limit wearing bras to bed and moving some of my panties and bras up stairs into an extra bedroom as my wife and i are recent empty nesters.
    Quote Originally Posted by bianncats View Post
    I am at a loss...
    You're assuming the CDing is pushing your wife away and if you could just stop, then all would be well again. The CDing, I think, is only a symptom and not the cause. There are many things that need to be addressed in your marriage but it doesn't sound as if you or your wife are doing this. She has affairs, and you CD as a coping mechanism.

    You both need to face what's going on together and try to get to the bottom of it. Are there other things that are bothering her, other than you wearing a bra to bed? Having affairs to cope with her issues is obviously not a good way to handle them. Is she, in fact, running away from the CDing or has she fallen out of love with you for other reasons and would she be having affairs even if you didn't CD? Or, is she trying to squeeze in as much living as possible given that she has MS, as misguided as this seems?

    I'm sorry you are going through this. But I don't think forcing yourself to stop the CDing will accomplish anything. The two of you need to talk if you want to save your marriage, and maybe you'll need to see a marital counselor if you feel you can't tackle these issues alone.
    Reine

  22. #22
    Silver Member Amy Hepker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    St. Petersburg, FL
    Posts
    3,230
    I have been there and I will tell you that it is pretty much over for you, I am sorry, she will not want you back as she has found a so-called man to be with. My wife who is long since my X-Wife wanted me and her boy friend, I was bigger and better in bed and he would party with her all the time, Crystal, Meth, Booze, and other drugs. It got to a point that we ended up in a big fight and she ended up going to jail, that was the begining of the end of our marriage. I was with her for 16 years and found out that she had been cheating on me for 15 of those 16 years. Oh by the way, she knew I crossdressed before we married and even had me wear her wedding dress at the motel on our Honeymoon.
    Ladies have a GREAT time!
    Smile GOD LOVES you!!!
    GOD BLESS US ALL!!!
    AMY Hepker

    ROSES ARE RED
    VIOLETS ARE BLUE
    I'LL BE ME
    AND YOU BE YOU

  23. #23
    Member bridgetta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    478
    yes.. the good people here give great advice... i think the first thing is you must accept yourself.. .. ending a relationship is sad.. but theres a song i listen too.. that says.. " if you dont get along with someone. move on... "

  24. #24
    . Aprilrain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Washington
    Posts
    2,747
    Quote Originally Posted by bianncats View Post
    this is a long story. my wife cheated on me several years ago and i believe she has has other physical relationships. i hadn't thought about it too much lately, but she is getting texts from a guy and sexting with him.
    Oh my............
    stuff like this makes me so sad

    First of all cheaters CHEAT . There is no excuse for it. I mean if she is done with the relationship she should have the courage to TELL you to your face!

    Secondly, what ever "line" you crossed with wearing bras to bed PALES in comparison to her CHEATING on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    She has no respect for you dump her.

  25. #25
    Member bianncats's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    267
    THANK YOU! to everyone who replied...lots of food for thought...Wow...i truly appreciate your words and the caring.

    B.
    lovin to dress...

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  


Check out these other hot web properties:
Catholic Personals | Jewish Personals | Millionaire Personals | Unsigned Artists | Crossdressing Relationship
BBW Personals | Latino Personals | Black Personals | Crossdresser Chat | Crossdressing QA
Biker Personals | CD Relationship | Crossdressing Dating | FTM Relationship | Dating | TG Relationship


The crossdressing community is one that needs to stick together and continue to be there for each other for whatever one needs.
We are always trying to improve the forum to better serve the crossdresser in all of us.

Browse Crossdressers By State